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GF came back, then I snooped and everything's resurfaced.


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 7th March 2018, 7:10 PM   #1
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GF came back, then I snooped and everything's resurfaced.

details of the breakup are on another post. after NC 30+, we had a reunion date and we haven't left each other since. its been 6 months of being back together. relationship has been about 3 years now.

summary of the breakup was she went on a trip that sounded sketchy. i breakup with her, and later find pics of her with a guy. when i confronted her about the guy she says it doesn't matter because she's single. lots more detail, but I'll keep it at that.

anyways, 6 months of living together again and back we're back in loving couple mode. things have been terrific. she's away visiting family and i guess out of my loneliness I snoop and I find a couple of greeting cards from the same "platonic" friend. he's sending cards and apologizing, and asking her to check her mail to receive a gift he sent. he mentions their relationship and he's writing saying that he hopes it's not over, and that he hopes she feels the same.

even though the cards are dated back around the time when she moved out and we were in NC it sort of brought back memories of the distance around that time and her vague answers to basic questions you'd share to a SO.

should I ignore it and continue with how things are? since she's been back, she's been doing everything right. a really terrific girlfriend, we're even discussing marriage now. snooping and finding this stuff brought up the pain of the BU.

how do I get past this?
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:08 PM   #2
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I went and looked at the previous thread... so, have you figured out what her trip was all about? Was she trying to sneak off with this other guy and you figured it out, and thus the breakup? Or did this guy come onto the scene after it happened? It's a critical distinction.

If you caught her sneaking off to bang this guy, you've got a legitimate trust issue that's probably never going to go away. The only chance is if she's completely forthcoming, apologetic and willing to do what it takes to rebuild. But it doesn't sound like that's in her nature––you said that she blame shifted, is not forthcoming, not open or communicative and does the cold as ice routine.

If this guy came into the picture after the breakup then you need to see it as forgivable, and she needs to be transparent about the whole thing.

From what I can tell, it seems like you two are not being transparent and doing what it takes to rebuild trust. Without trust it's not going to work. If the facts surrounding how and when this other guy came into the mix remains ambiguous it's going to bother you from now on. If she's still in communication with him, not good at all.

I think you two need to put it all out on the table and deal with it openly. If she lies to you or thinks that you have no right to know what happened, I don't see how you'd ever be able to put it behind you.
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:52 PM   #3
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I went and looked at the previous thread... so, have you figured out what her trip was all about? Was she trying to sneak off with this other guy and you figured it out, and thus the breakup? Or did this guy come onto the scene after it happened? It's a critical distinction.
The guy was someone who I had known about before the trip. She was complaining about a classmate that had a crush on her and had posted pics of them together on his social media account. He then took them down. I was never worried, because the guy didn't seem like her type. He's a short, chubby guy and she's like 5'9", very tall and lean. After the trip, the breakup and we finally got back dating I asked her about it and she seemed repulsed at the idea of them sleeping together.

When I found the notes of him apologizing and being whiny about a "relationship" it changed everything that she told me. I don't think I'll confront her about it because things have been great. Also, I was snooping in an old bag of hers that contains tons of letters and cards from old boyfriends, or business cards of guys that tried dating her. I noticed the notes from the guy and they are all dated around the time of her moving out and our NC.
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:20 PM   #4
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Meh, it’s ok if you want to date her but her suspicious trip where she broke trust was never resolved. It appears like your buried your head in the sand over that. Sounds like she had a fling at your expense and came back after finding the grass wasn’t greener. It doesn’t seem like you achieved NC.

With that said she isn’t some one I’d consider marriage material.

I suspect you only know the “tip of the iceberg”.

Good luck, I think you’ll need it.
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:25 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by TwinFlameGone View Post
The guy was someone who I had known about before the trip. She was complaining about a classmate that had a crush on her and had posted pics of them together on his social media account. He then took them down. I was never worried, because the guy didn't seem like her type. He's a short, chubby guy and she's like 5'9", very tall and lean. After the trip, the breakup and we finally got back dating I asked her about it and she seemed repulsed at the idea of them sleeping together.

they went on a trip together though didn’t they? Why would she tell you the truth? It’s in her best interest not to.

When I found the notes of him apologizing and being whiny about a "relationship" it changed everything that she told me. I don't think I'll confront her about it because things have been great. Also, I was snooping in an old bag of hers that contains tons of letters and cards from old boyfriends, or business cards of guys that tried dating her. I noticed the notes from the guy and they are all dated around the time of her moving out and our NC.
If you can live with it that’s totally up to you.
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:46 PM   #6
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Meh, it’s ok if you want to date her but her suspicious trip where she broke trust was never resolved. It appears like your buried your head in the sand over that. Sounds like she had a fling at your expense and came back after finding the grass wasn’t greener. It doesn’t seem like you achieved NC.

With that said she isn’t some one I’d consider marriage material.

I suspect you only know the “tip of the iceberg”.

Good luck, I think you’ll need it.
so what do I do now. I took her back and she's been the very best. Things are going well and I had been looking forward to our future. coming across these notes while snooping is what brought in the confusion. i'll bring it up if the conversation is justified, but to come out the blue and start harping on the past would be a set back. we'd be ending things due to my insecurity, which caused me to snoop. i guess i was trying to map the pieces together.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:08 PM   #7
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so what do I do now. I took her back and she's been the very best. Things are going well and I had been looking forward to our future. coming across these notes while snooping is what brought in the confusion. i'll bring it up if the conversation is justified, but to come out the blue and start harping on the past would be a set back. we'd be ending things due to my insecurity, which caused me to snoop. i guess i was trying to map the pieces together.
Your insecurity? Or her untrustworthiness?

Things appeared to be good before her trip too, right?

If you're ok with her behavior then it doesn't matter much but you're here for a reason aren't you?

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.

She's just a gf. You aren't married to her.

However, from what I've seen rug-sweeping leads to long term discontent.

Your life is up to you. You have to make that call.

She does have some control over you. From your past posts you never achieved true NC and took her back without any resolution unless I missed something.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:14 PM   #8
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Your insecurity? Or her untrustworthiness?

Things appeared to be good before her trip too, right?

If you're ok with her behavior then it doesn't matter much but you're here for a reason aren't you?

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.

She's just a gf. You aren't married to her.

However, from what I've seen rug-sweeping leads to long term discontent.

Your life is up to you. You have to make that call.

She does have some control over you. From your past posts you never achieved true NC and took her back without any resolution unless I missed something.
We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:26 PM   #9
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She went on a trip with a guy...

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Originally Posted by TwinFlameGone View Post
We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.
She went on a trip with a guy... and you took her back.

I guess the price of the trip was banging the guy she was with??? I guess that is cool, if you are ok with it.

Why do you think she was VAUGE with her answers. Because she wanted a free vacation and the only thing she had to do was bang the guy.

You know it was the "Girl friend experience", no big deal...

Are you out of your mind, are you that desperate for a GF?

Wow...
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:30 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by TwinFlameGone View Post
We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.
So I take it the notes show she was lying? Or not?
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:44 PM   #11
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hmmm, what's done is done in my opinion.

Its been too long to bring this up now. You will regret it if your bring it up, given that things are going good (according to you).

I can totally understand this makes you question things but this is why snooping or looking at things from the past brings no good with it, especially looking at stuff that happened when you 2 were not even a couple (or at the tail end of your relationship before it ended).

By all means, use this finding to keep your eyes wide open but I just don't see how bringing this up is going to work out well.

Imagine the discussion. You bring up the fact your butt hurt about what you discovered (you say it in a needy and clingy way). She leaves because she doesn't want to deal with it. If that is how you want things to go down, by all means tell her.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:47 PM   #12
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Or bury your head deeper in the sand and take what you're given.
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Old 8th March 2018, 5:34 AM   #13
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anyways, 6 months of living together again and back we're back in loving couple mode. things have been terrific. she's away visiting family and i guess out of my loneliness I snoop and I find a couple of greeting cards from the same "platonic" friend. he's sending cards and apologizing, and asking her to check her mail to receive a gift he sent. he mentions their relationship and he's writing saying that he hopes it's not over, and that he hopes she feels the same.
Yeah, this guy was not just her friend.

You two reconciled on false pretenses. There was more to her "friendship" with him, but you took her back on the understanding that there wasn't. Correct? Now you have evidence that indicates they were much more than friends.

It sounds like she cheated, left you to test-drive him, and came back to you when things didn't work out with him. No, you should not ignore that. You can't have a truly healthy relationship without transparency and trust. You have neither, here.
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Old 8th March 2018, 7:04 AM   #14
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We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them.
Do you believe she's telling the truth? Do the notes support that conclusion? Was she honest and forthcoming when you had the discussion?

She left to go on vacation with a guy she knew had the hots for her, and the justification is that they didn't have sex. But you felt it as a betrayal nonetheless, which I believe it was. If she's not owning it... where does that leave you?

Quote:
She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great.
It's too easy [for us] to simply conclude that she's unworthy when it's not us with the feelings of love, attachment and heartbreak. It seems like you really want this to work, and that she's doing her best now. But it's important that you have real confidence in her, as opposed to rug-sweeping the episode and pretending it's resolved.

Opening your heart and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone is hard enough when everything is congruent. If the facts are ambiguous, or just don't add up, it will be impossible. I think the two of you need to get to a place of honesty and congruity.

I wish there was something we could say to make it all better, but there's not. At the very least she needs to be taking responsibility for her part and assuring you that nothing like that will ever happen again. You need to be honest with yourself as to whether you can believe in her.

I'd suggest that you consider seeing a counselor/therapist. You are in a very difficult place, and deciding whether to move forward with her (marriage) will be the most important decision of your life.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:48 AM   #15
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I'm a little confused on the timing.

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.
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