LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Second Chances

Should I reach out?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

Like Tree3Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th February 2018, 2:13 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 34
Should I reach out?

My ex texted me that she misses me. Itís been four months since she broke up with me because we had come to resent each other for past mistakes weíve made to each other. She was drained, and so was I, so I stopped trying to get her to make things work. She also told me that she wants things to be normal between us since the last time we saw each other things were kind of uncomfortable due to hurt feelings. I told her we could get together, be ourselves, and see where things go, but she never responded. I realize that a simple text saying I miss you is not as significant as actually going about it, but at the same time during the split I told her I missed her multiple times before we stopped talking, and not once did she say she misses me until now. Iím conflicted as to whether I should reach out again regardless of the no response because she did reach out in the first place saying what she said. A lot has changed in the past for months for myself, and I am not opposed to seeing where things could go. Iíve forgiven myself for my mistakes and hers, but I would be lying if I said I missed her. I didnít tell her that though when she told me she misses me.
Alo2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th February 2018, 2:58 PM   #2
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Reach out to her and see what her exact intentions are first. Just because she misses you doesnít necessarily mean she wants to be in a relationship again. Sometimes exes reach out to say they miss you for their own selfish reasons, not because theyíre interested in reconciling. However, she may want you back and hasnít responded yet because sheís thinking about how she should respond. If I were you Iíd just straight up ask her what she wants moving foward. And if she doesnít reply to that, leave her alone until she texts you again.
Val230 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 12:27 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alo2008 View Post
My ex texted me that she misses me. Itís been four months since she broke up with me because we had come to resent each other for past mistakes weíve made to each other. She was drained, and so was I, so I stopped trying to get her to make things work. She also told me that she wants things to be normal between us since the last time we saw each other things were kind of uncomfortable due to hurt feelings. I told her we could get together, be ourselves, and see where things go, but she never responded. I realize that a simple text saying I miss you is not as significant as actually going about it, but at the same time during the split I told her I missed her multiple times before we stopped talking, and not once did she say she misses me until now. Iím conflicted as to whether I should reach out again regardless of the no response because she did reach out in the first place saying what she said. A lot has changed in the past for months for myself, and I am not opposed to seeing where things could go. Iíve forgiven myself for my mistakes and hers, but I would be lying if I said I missed her. I didnít tell her that though when she told me she misses me.
That's the reason she contacted you.

Best to let this one go. Nothing substantial has come from her end.
marky00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 2:10 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,796
Her message didn't ask a question therefore it does not deserve a reply. If you sent anything there are two possibilities. The most likely, you get no reply. The other, you get a similar breadcrumb. Both of these are a lose lose proposition. Truly, if she wants back, she may not give a very clear message, but she will try a lot harder than a "I miss you". Don't contact unless there is more effort from her.
dumbass2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 2:25 PM   #5
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,612
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alo2008 View Post
A lot has changed in the past for months for myself, and I am not opposed to seeing where things could go. Iíve forgiven myself for my mistakes and hers, but I would be lying if I said I missed her.
What does that tell you about this situation?

I get the sense that you'd be OK with having the relationship go back to when things were good. I also don't get the sense that she's up for doing the work it will take to fully reconcile in a healthy manner.

I interpret her request for "normalcy" as a hope that if you two see each other, everyone can be civil. I see that in your best interest too; nobody needs drama.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 3:10 PM   #6
Established Member
 
KBarletta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Eastern Pa.
Posts: 946
A few words of caution here -

One, saying you miss someone does not necessarily mean you want to get back together with them. I miss my ex on occasion (I never told her that though), but just because I miss her does not mean I want to be with her again. I know that would be a bad idea. But that doesn't stop your heart from missing them.

Two, you don't miss her. At least that's what I thought you said in your post. So if you do try to get together with her and "see where it goes" there's a danger that you could slide back in your recovery from this breakup and end up right back where you were. Is that what you want? Do you see any kind of future here, or is it just the comfort of the known vs. the scary of the unknown? Just asking.

Generally, my philosophy is that breakups happen for a good reason *(usually), and reconciliations are not **(usually) a good idea. There are exceptions. But most of the time, if you've begun to heal and move on, and it sounds like you have, it's best to let things like this go.

Just my $0.02.

KTB
__________________
"Don't believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear." - Lou Reed
KBarletta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 8:00 PM   #7
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
So four months since you guys split... you texted her several times, and just now got a text from her saying she missed you? Did you go NC with her at all? When was the last time she reached out - texting she missed you? And you ignored her text?


IF you went NC after realizing reaching out early on isn't the best way to go, and she's just now reaching out after (how long of NC?) then she's obviously thinking about you. Question is, the motive. She could simply be lonely, or have broken up with someone she was dating (if that was true), she could want to just reconnect and see how you are doing... or, there could be some interest in reconciliation. Of course you won't know the reason until you get some face time.


The other posters here all have solid points. The "normalcy" comment, as mentioned in another reply, could very well be what she's thinking. Sometimes when enough time passes, the dumper misses the connection and reaches out - just to see the dumpee's reaction. Sometimes they're simply looking for some sort of vindication that they're not the bad guy - to ease their guilt, and of course part of that is because they love(d) you and you're not there any longer.


IMHO, I wouldn't focus on what all of this means. Instead, I'd focus on you. Have you spent time reflecting on what went wrong? What caused the drama? Your role in things - and how you would do things different? Have you actively changed (or made ongoing, current) progress on changing these things about you that created issues - on your side of the fence? That is really all you can do. And it's important. It's VITAL you recognize your faults/issues/things to improve on so you can change them for this girl, or for the next. I promise you all of the issues will return after reconciliation or in a new relationship, if unaddressed and unresolved.


While I agree with the other posters... mostly, IMHO, I wouldn't approach her in an ultimatum mind set, nor would I (right away) hit her with the reconciliation talk. Forget expectations and time limits. If she truly still is in love with you and open to reconciliation (which is a marathon - not a race) then you just need to reconnect with her emotionally, staying centered and confident in what you bring to the table, and simply make a "date" where you can get some face time. Without face time, nothing will happen. Texts, emails, even phone calls are very insignificant. The goal is to get the face time with her so you can re-establish the emotional connection, the trust, and the attraction. Again that only happens in person, and over time.


This is all my own personal experience and opinion. But it worked for me. I backed off. WAY off, for three months. And I spent those three months working my a$$ off in the gym, reflecting on the relationship, what my role in our issues were... what I would do differently, and when I was ready (i.e. confident, centered, and strong) I sent her a text saying "I've done a lot of reflecting... there are things I think you should know, and I'd like to get together at your convenience for a cup of coffee and chat". She responded the next morning - "Ok, when and where?". A female-friend of mine gave me this advice when she broke up with her BF. He said this to her, and she told me as pissed (and hurt) as she was, she wanted to know what he had to say - so they met. And, it worked for me.


IF you want to get back together with her... you have to have the patience of Gandhi, you have to be willing to (honestly/fully) understand your part in the issues, you have to have made some progress (something substantial she can SEE and FEEL), you have to OWN your part in things... NOT beg, plead, or bargain - you have to convey these things from a position of strength - not weakness. Because you have changed. You are a better, more understanding man, you recognize your role in the challenges, you've made corrections, and you are making progress moving forward. FOR YOU. Not for her. If you can do this, she will see and feel a new you. And her attraction level will be off the charts. Because... you have sincerely, honestly changed. For yourself.


My unqualified, unsolicited advice? Put some time and space between you (give it a couple weeks) since your last contact with her, work your a$$ off doing what you need to do for you... and then when you're ready shoot her a text like the one I mentioned. Short and sweet. If she's interested, she'll meet you. Then you'll have your face to face which is the first step towards any hope of reconciliation. Don't contact her after that. Set a "date", meet, and be prepared to make your "amends", while keeping your self esteem and centeredness. She probably already knows how you feel. You don't need to go overboard and remind her over and over. Be the prize. Be her prize. Be the man YOU want to be, and then demonstrate that guy to her without being weak, needy, or overly humble. Just be honest, confident, and let her feel who you are now. (assuming you ARE that new guy). And then just have a nice chat. Controversy is off limits. Avoid that talk. Just ask yourself how you can best reconnect with her emotions... how you can best regain her trust... and then be charming, put a smile on her face, and remind her of the guy you were when she was head over heels in love with you. Yes, THAT guy. Believe me - she still remembers to a point. You just need to remind her.


This is a marathon - not a race. Be the guy you want to be, and if you can, she'll know/feel it. Slow and steady wins the race my friend...
sdcajames is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 8:43 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 34
There were three main gaps of NC during the split. Two for one month, and one for three weeks. The times I told her I missed her were early on, about two months ago. Since then I stopped. We hadn’t talked until I reached out late December to get together. I’ve done a lot of self reflecting for a long time now as well as personal improvements emotionally, mentally, and physically. Right now I’m at a place where I’ll be okay no matter what, and I have confidence in that because the worst is behind me. It wasn’t until two weeks ago that she reached out saying she misses me, and I told her everything I put in the post, to which she never responded. I told her that it doesn’t matter if she misses me or not if she doesn’t want to do something about it and get together just to see what happens. So essentially it’s been two weeks since she hasn’t replied after I responded to her about missing me. But she actually texted me yesterday saying that she misses me and hopes I’m doing well. I have not responded because I don’t know if it’s worth responding. I don’t know if I want to even bother because she hadn’t said anything for two weeks until now, and when she finally responded yesterday, all she had to say was the same thing. I don’t have time to run around in circles or play games. I feel like just telling her “we can get together this weekend, and see where things go. If not, I don’t think we should talk again.” I have no doubt that who I am now is better than what I was while together. I’ve adjusted to the problems we had and fixed my end. I don’t know if she has, and based on how she ignored what I said for two weeks only to say again that she misses me, it makes me believe she’s still unsure of what she wants or where she’s at with her healing. So I don’t know how I should approach the situation.

Last edited by Alo2008; 8th February 2018 at 8:46 PM..
Alo2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 8:49 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 18,797
She is just having that thing where you feel bad that someone you used to like a lot, you can't even be civil with each other. She didn't even reply and is not wanting to get back together. She is just trying to find a happy resolve where she doesn't feel weird about you two.

I once made the mistake of agreeing to date a good friend and then it didn't last and my first impulse was hope he'd go back to dating women and us just be friends, but his pride couldn't take that. I would have been fine with it. Relieved, even. But he wanted romance or nothing at that point from me.

I just don't think any half-measures will work and you already know why things went bad. I say just don't try again or agree to "just be friends" and put yourselves through that either.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 10:07 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,796
Quote:
Originally Posted by sdcajames View Post
This is all my own personal experience and opinion. But it worked for me. I backed off. WAY off, for three months. And I spent those three months working my a$$ off in the gym, reflecting on the relationship, what my role in our issues were... what I would do differently, and when I was ready (i.e. confident, centered, and strong) I sent her a text saying "I've done a lot of reflecting... there are things I think you should know, and I'd like to get together at your convenience for a cup of coffee and chat". She responded the next morning - "Ok, when and where?". A female-friend of mine gave me this advice when she broke up with her BF. He said this to her, and she told me as pissed (and hurt) as she was, she wanted to know what he had to say - so they met. And, it worked for me
So how did it work for you? How was the meeting and are you getting back together?
dumbass2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th February 2018, 10:41 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,466
You aren't nc and what have breadcrumbs gotten you?
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my ex keeps trying to reach out Amaury Breaks and Breaking Up 4 1st November 2013 8:17 PM
To reach out or NOT to reach out? That is the question. MissLili Dating 2 2nd February 2013 3:45 PM
My FWB doesn't reach out to me but responds quickly when I reach out to him six18 General Relationship Discussion 3 18th October 2012 1:01 AM
Want to reach out FreeheartLover Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 9 18th January 2011 7:28 PM
To reach out or not to reach out? BobSacamento Dating 20 21st November 2010 11:43 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:25 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.