The ex has returned

[whattodo77]

Long story short, i had a nasty break up with the ex in November.

He blocked me out of the blue everywhere and when a friend reached out to him to find out what was going on he said he was engaged to another girl.

 

Just a few days ago he unblocked me everywhere and last night he made contact. He told me he had made a mistake and that I am the one he loves. He said he didn't get engaged to the other woman, he just said that to try to make a break with me and he tried to forget me but he couldn't and wanted us to get back together and get married just like it was before.

I told him i needed time to think and it was hard for me to trust him after what has happened.

 

He was also talking to me about her as if my feelings didn't matter, telling me he liked her a lot but things didn't work out with them as they had to many things working against them (whatever that's meant to mean).

 

When i said i needed time to think he said "well take your time but you might not find me here tomorrow because i am planning on ending my life tonight (i take things like this seriously as he has on multiple occasions before attempted suicide) so we stayed on the phone and talked through the night and i agreed to marry him.

 

Tonight we were again all night talking and he is in such a rush to get me to move to him (half way across the world) and get married. He wants this to happen NOW within weeks.

I have no doubt i love him, but i am worried about trust issues that i have with him and of course him doing this again.

I am also worried he came back as a back up plan because something didnt go right with her.

[Zahara]

1. Yes, you ARE the back up plan. It's so apparent. Things did not work out with the other woman and he came running back to his option.

 

2. People that consistently pull the suicide card usually do it to manipulate and to control the the other person/situation. He is doing that to you because he knows you will fall for it as YOU have shown him in past incidents. He wasn't about to die when he ghosted you and got engaged to another woman but the moment you tell him you need to think about whether you are ready to be his puppet, you then become so important to him that his life depends on it. C'mon OP, get a grip.

 

You are so completely deluded. The man literally threw you out like garbage and you agreed to marry him?

 

It's baffling what some will do just to have someone in their life.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Zahara

[basil67]

Go back and read your previous posts about this guy. He jilted you just before your marriage. You think he's got a personality disorder. He's got double standards. He'll tell you to F off after reading through your phone. Etc Etc.

 

What exactly do you love about him? Serious question.

[Zahara]

Go back and read your previous posts about this guy. He jilted you just before your marriage. You think he's got a personality disorder. He's got double standards. He'll tell you to F off after reading through your phone. Etc Etc.

 

What exactly do you love about him? Serious question.

 

Not forgetting the fact that you believe while in the relationship with him, he was spending time with other women.

 

What are you thinking?

[maybejune]

It doesn't sound right. He left you for another woman, so it is clear he chose her over you. Now he came back, not because he loves you the most, but she -- the other woman-- doesn't want him. and he plays your love to him again, kill himself? If he had heartbroken, it would be the time the other woman left him, but he is still alive to try to get you on hook.

 

If he loves you, he need to prove the 'love' to you, not the other way around, you flying over to him??? No way.

 

The trust is broken, he is the one making the damage. And it is his job to mend it an prove to you he has some potential for you to consider meeting him again -- not date him right away, not marry him right away.

 

It's easy to say, don't take him back, but hard for you to pass it over, because you still love him, but you need confirmation that your love will be valued and will be protected. Otherwise, you will be better off staying away and going through the painful coping period.

[bluecastle]

I am all for second chances, and unlike a lot of people on here I don't think the whole "plan b" thing is a deal breaker. Sometimes we bumble along like idiots before learning what's really precious.

 

That said, this man is unstable and borderline abusive in his behavior. He needs to be the one showing YOU how much he has changed, respecting your feelings and emotions, giving you the space you need, and being heroically patient while you sort through your feelings.

 

Instead, he's doing the opposite: being selfish, manipulative, and showing you that nothing at all has changed. He wants only what he wants—you, her, now you again—and he wants it NOW to fill whatever dark void in himself he's looking to escape. He should be asking only questions; instead he's supplying answers and forcing you to contort to some preexisting mold in his mind.

 

I think in your core, much as you love him, you know you don't want to bend to his shapes and cater only to his needs at the expense of your own. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you as YOU, not as a salve to his angst, and engaging with him now, on this level, will only give him the power he is seeking.

[marky00]

I am all for second chances, and unlike a lot of people on here I don't think the whole "plan b" thing is a deal breaker. Sometimes we bumble along like idiots before learning what's really precious.

 

Yeah I agree. The amount of times I have been in a situation where I'm talking to a couple of girls and even a few months later, still not ready to totally end it with one of them until I'm 100 per cent sure. Yes, eventually I would realise one or even both of the girls wasn't for me but you really just have to go through the awkward situation sometimes. Murphy's law seems to pretty much guarantee that when one good thing comes along, another good thing comes around almost at the same time.

 

I definitely don't enjoy the above situation but I learnt in the past that feeling super guilty about it and then kind of passing that negative emotional energy on the other parties just makes things worse. And in some cases, you even lose both of the choices If you can keep your cool and at least offer a positive energy during the situation, that is best.

 

And of course I have been on the other end where I realised I was a backup plan. It's not cool but there can be a slight rush to it because instinctively you realise that in more normal circumstances, you would have never had a chance with them

 

Being a backup plan is pretty crappy. However, at least the person sees some value in you. It's definitely better than someone who is so totally over you, they wouldn't care if you were dieing in a ditch on the roadside

[Been]

Being a back up plan is NEVER good. That's the thing- you have 0 value to that person that everyone forgets.

What do you think happens down the road when they meet someone who they hold higher then you? Bye bye.

Because in essence they never wanted you- they only got with you by default.

[marky00]

Being a back up plan is NEVER good. That's the thing- you have 0 value to that person that everyone forgets.

What do you think happens down the road when they meet someone who they hold higher then you? Bye bye.

Because in essence they never wanted you- they only got with you by default.

 

nah zero value is when they are totally done with you, while you serve a purpose of some kind, you are valued to some degree, even if its for the wrong reasons.

[Gr8fuln2020]

 

When i said i needed time to think he said "well take your time but you might not find me here tomorrow because i am planning on ending my life tonight (i take things like this seriously as he has on multiple occasions before attempted suicide) so we stayed on the phone and talked through the night and i agreed to marry him.

 

Tonight we were again all night talking and he is in such a rush to get me to move to him (half way across the world) and get married. He wants this to happen NOW within weeks.

I have no doubt i love him, but i am worried about trust issues that i have with him and of course him doing this again.

I am also worried he came back as a back up plan because something didnt go right with her.

 

He is absolutely manipulating your emotions and taking them hostage. He is unstable.

 

Since the break up, what has changed? Has he changed? How?

 

Sounds like very bad news.

[Been]

What purpose do you serve being the SECOND choice? So they can have someone WHILE they shop for number one?

If someone didn't want you and then all the sudden comes to the conclusion that you'll do for now- usually because what they wanted didn't want them- I gurrantee you down the road you will get replaced.

Second place is not meant to be permanent- its meant to tide someone over until they upgrade.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yeah usually I tell guys this same thing...But it apparently it is going the other way for you now. You are the plan B. He thought he could win a pick me dance with this OW. So now that he lost, he is coming back to you...

 

Also, if you already moved on and now wonder how to take him back....Don't. You just proved to yourself that you value yourself better than he did and you don't need to just settle. You are entitled to find true happiness. Not at the expense of some social dating ladder....