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Bf constantly jokes, caused break up


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Old 9th January 2018, 1:06 PM   #1
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Bf constantly jokes, caused break up

I dated my bf (now ex) for 3 years during which time, he constantly would "joke" in a negative way towards me. He would take personal things I told him and turn them into "jokes". I talked to him about it several times over the years and he would try to cut back. He has cut back, but still not to a tolerable level. It's pretty much still constant when I see him. Sometimes he says he doesn't even realize he's doing it or doesn't "remember" saying it.

Now I've broken up with him and we didn't talk for 3 weeks. He has now contacted me, says he realizes he has been emotionally abusing me. He says he can stop and wants me back.

I really don't know why he does it in the first place. What is the probablity that he can actually stop doing it? I want to give him another chance but I don't know if my heart can take it.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:20 PM   #2
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I believe in second chances but if your BF couldn't control himself for 3 years, I have no reason to believe he's reformed after 3 weeks.

Give it a shot or you will always regret it but when he makes the next joke, that has to be his last. You need to be well & done by then because he will have burned his last chance.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:40 PM   #3
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The problem you have is there is no explanation as to why he felt he needed to emotionally abuse you?
Unless that is addressed, then he may no longer make those "jokes" but will likely find other ways to put you down and abuse you.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:48 PM   #4
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He couldn't stop in 3 years but can now stop after 3 weeks? There was no self-awareness in all that time but now that he doesn't have you, he's seen the light? I find that hard to believe. Chances are he's feeding you words to rope you back in again.

If someone has it in them to emotionally abuse someone, chances are there is more of where that came from.

You can give him another chance, but observe and stay grounded. The first sign of bad behavior, walk away.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:58 PM   #5
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The problem you have is there is no explanation as to why he felt he needed to emotionally abuse you?
Unless that is addressed, then he may no longer make those "jokes" but will likely find other ways to put you down and abuse you.
He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people?
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:01 PM   #6
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The fact that jokes at his expense don't bother him isn't the point. You have repeatedly told him that his jokes bother you yet he continues to ignore your feelings & makes jokes that upset you.

I like to joke around too. I have been known to tell an insensitive joke or two. However, if somebody tells me that my jokes upset them, I never make another joke like that & immediately apologize.

The on going nature of your BF's insensitivity is the problem here.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:03 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by inmyownworld View Post
He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people?
And let me guess.....he accuses you of being "too sensitive."
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:04 PM   #8
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He said they are just jokes and they don't mean anything. I don't really get why he thinks that way. He said that when people make jokes about him, it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think it should bother other people?
It may not mean anything to him but when you love someone and they tell you that something that they're doing is hurting you, they make a conscious effort to protect your feelings. They don't keep hurting you over a span of 3 years.

I think your boyfriend lacks empathy -- the inability to understand or share the feelings of others.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:09 PM   #9
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How old is your bf?
Are we talking 18 and he is a bit immature and needs to grow up a bit and start to consider other people's feelings or is he 48 and it is just who he is...?
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:13 PM   #10
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How old is your bf?
Are we talking 18 and he is a bit immature and needs to grow up a bit and start to consider other people's feelings or is he 48 and it is just who he is...?
He's 38 . He told me he talked to his friends about it. They told him "that's just you and you don't mean it".
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:16 PM   #11
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At 38 you have to assume the jokes will never stop. It may be "just how he is." That doesn't mean you have to accept it. He's not going to change so you are probably better off walking away. You can't stay & allow him to hurt you over & over & over again.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:22 PM   #12
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It may not mean anything to him but when you love someone and they tell you that something that they're doing is hurting you, they make a conscious effort to protect your feelings. They don't keep hurting you over a span of 3 years.

I think your boyfriend lacks empathy -- the inability to understand or share the feelings of others.
Yes, I have told him this before. He would make jokes when I was sick . When I talked to him about it, he said he could see not liking jokes when I'm sick. He did get better about that.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:26 PM   #13
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Yes, I have told him this before. He would make jokes when I was sick . When I talked to him about it, he said he could see not liking jokes when I'm sick. He did get better about that.
What kind of jokes did he used to make when you were sick?
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:26 PM   #14
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And let me guess.....he accuses you of being "too sensitive."
Oddly, I am actually not that sensitive and he has said that, but unfortunately it has contributed to the problem. I would go months without saying anything, then I would bring it up. I should have said more, more often.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:36 PM   #15
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What kind of jokes did he used to make when you were sick?
If I said I was sick, he would always say "that sucks cause I know somehow it's my fault lol". I don't even know why he said it cause I never blamed him for it ever. I asked why he would say that and he said it was just a joke. He said he know I wasn't blaming him, but that it was funny. Any idea why someone would say that? It still has me stumped.
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