might have missed opportunity

[StarkContrast]

I read an older thread but couldn't respond because it's a year old....

 

From personal experience, what positivemale mentioned has been true and a very excruciating point of my life.

 

The Girl

Really pretty really cute clinical scientist. 31. Somewhat nerdy. Spent a lot of her time trying to get through her education, and finally did. Had only been in one very long term very serious relationship. Was about to get married with him but things went bad.

Zero Drama. Zero headache. Clean past.

Sweet, Kind, soft-spoken. Same culture same religion.

Wanted a normal happy relationship. She was happy with me, and wanted me to be happy with her. I completely hit the relationship lottery....

 

Me

Good career and promising future. 34 at the time. The Big problem was at the time, I was care-taker to my father who is mentally ill. He's schizo and something else doctors can't place their finger on. It's a bit more complicated and there were some serious difficulties and struggles with taking care of my dad. I was constantly angry and frustrated. No matter what she did... I was never happy. I had a bad attitude like "hey if you don't like me, you can leave, I don't really care". Eventually, after a year, she did...

 

The Breakup

This sweet girl broke up with me in a very dignified and considerate manner. She said she is sorry...but I just don't seem to be happy with her, and because of that, she is unhappy. She knows that I'll find someone that I'll be compatible with in the future. She is so sorry to break this up and it makes her extremely sad, but it's worse seeing that we're not connecting.

 

Things I Did Right

I wrote her an email a couple days later saying I'm sorry for all the things I messed up on. Never showing her appreciation...never showing her the affection she wanted from me, never showing her how much she meant. I was sorry and i regretted so much everything I did wrong. She deserved better. I then did the infamous No-Contact. Erased her emails, threw away all gifts, deleted her number. I quit cold turkey and prepared to get through this. Did the normal advice most give. Started focusing on career, getting in shape, therapy, self-improvement, yadda yadda.

 

Things I Did Wrong

This is the huge thing. Three months later, she texted me to ask how I was doing. I was caught off-guard because I was at the time going through some things with my dad's care. I said I was doing fine, and asked how she was doing. She said she was doing good. We did a small amount of small-talk texting. She texted me "nice, hey, keep in touch, ok?"

I said I will. But that was the last we communicated....

 

The Regret

I didn't text her back. I had a really dumb stubborn attitude. She was the one that broke up with me...she should be texting me more and taking initiative and trying to get me back...blah blah blah. (I want to go back in time and slap myself). Months later, I texted her back several times but got no reply. In 20/20 hindsight...that text 3 months after the breakup was her attempt to signal to me that she missed me and wanted to hear more from me. And because of my stupid mindset and own personal issues, I didn't see it. And now I live in regret.

 

I think ultimately, most guys just want a simple, nice, sweet, pretty girl that loves them and is happy with them. This is what I had. And this is what I threw away. And the worst part, the part that is the most excruciating to me to this day, is that there was still a window of opportunity that she signaled three months later, and I didn't take it.

 

Years later now, I am in a new relationship and probably will marry in a few months. She's a nice girl. But to be honest, I just have never been able to feel about any other woman the same way. No matter how many ways my mind spins things, twist things, plays mental gymnastics.... she was the one that got away, the one that I will always have feelings for and regret. The sad trick of life...sometimes you don't know the one...until she's gone....

 

I always feel a bit empty and sad because of this past girl that I still think of to this day. She lingers in my mind and will always have a part of my heart. I've gone through therapy, dated around, done every single thing mentioned by friends, breakup advice columns, etc. I am a bit older, and have gone through a lot of different things in life, good and bad, and I think to my very last years...she will remain one of my two big regrets in life. I miss her and all I want is to hug her, see her smile at me, or hear her voice again. No sex. No trying to spark again and start a romance all over....but just because I miss this angel of a girl that happened to come into my life... I want to call her again, maybe not now, maybe in five years, ten years, twenty years, but I'm afraid to hear her to ask me to please don't contact her anymore as she has a happy life now and she wants the past to be in the past.

 

This is in reference to the older thread below....

 

Very few will EVER contact you out of the blue and say "I MADE A MISTAKE, LETS GET BACK TOGETHER". Sometimes some throw breadcrumbs to open the line of communication and see where your head is at. I don't understand why people dislike breadcrumbs. No one contacts an ex (even breadcrumbs) if they don't want to rekindle something. When an ex is done, they are done. So if you're getting anything from them, there is a part of them that still wants you.

 

The problem is, most dumpees can't get over the hurt, so it hinders reconciliation. Someone doesn't have to say the words "I made a mistake" to show you that they regret their decisions.

 

I remember reading a story where someone's ex asked to hang out a year later. She brought up getting back together and he said it wouldn't work (even though he wanted to), and he thought she was going to chase after that. She didn't. Guess what happened? They both settled for someone they didn't have a deep enough connection. That's sad. His biggest regret was believing all that "Don't ever message an ex until they come running to you". Very very and I mean VERY few will do that. Breadcrumbs are the building blocks to opening the line of communication. I wish people on loveshack would understand this. If I didn't answer Laura's breadcrumbs, she probably would have never came back. You have to have some sort of communication.

Edited January 6, 2018 by StarkContrast

[Marc878]

You can't change the past. You had a lot going on and did the best you could with circumstances and experience you had at the time.

 

We all reflect back and tend to romanticize things.

 

I think you did get your answer when you responded later. She did move on.

 

Better put your full attention to the one you have now or you'll likely have a repeat.

 

She's long gone. Leave that in the past where it belongs if you want a future.

Edited January 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[StarkContrast]

You can't change the past. You had a lot going on and did the best you could with circumstances and experience you had at the time.

 

We all reflect back and tend to romanticize things.

 

I think you did get your answer when you responded later. She did move on.

 

Better put your full attention to the one you have now or you'll likely have a repeat.

 

She's long gone. Leave that in the past where it belongs if you want a future.

 

Yes, obviously that's what I tell myself everyday. But I think you know as well as I do, if we could actually make ourselves think the way we want, life would be easier....

[Marc878]

How long has it been?

[samaraa]

I feel for you, OP. But I suspect you're beating yourself up here and creating something that doesn't exist.

 

This sweet girl broke up with me....she is unhappy....She is so sorry to break this up and it makes her extremely sad...

 

She broke up with you. If she wanted, she could have suggested any number of ways to build a better relationship but she didn't. She broke up with you. I know you feel it was your fault, and if you'd behaved differently things might have been different, but things weren't different and she was done.

 

I doubt a nice girl, or even some mean girls would say something like "I'm so relieved to end this dead-end relationship, I'm looking forward to meeting someone new," or anything like that. Maybe she didn't think that at all, but people aren't always honest when ending a relationship. She said she was sorry, and maybe she was, but it was her decision to end things. Her desire to end the relationship outweighed everything else.

 

Three months later, she texted me to ask how I was doing...We did a small amount of small-talk texting. She texted me "nice, hey, keep in touch, ok?"...that was the last we communicated....

 

She broke up with you, and texted you a few months later. Sometimes people do that out of curiosity, to check on you out of concern, even a sense of responsibility or guilt. Maybe she met a new guy and was happy and excited about her life, and felt like checking on you, since she knew you'd been dealing with difficult things and she dumped you. There are many possibilities.

 

It was a small amount of small-talk texting--not a phone call, or a suggestion to meet. If she wanted, she could have done that. After all, she'd ended your relationship. She didn't do any of those things because that apparently wasn't her interest.

 

She was the one that broke up with me....In 20/20 hindsight...that text 3 months after the breakup was her attempt to signal to me that she missed me and wanted to hear more from me.

 

You know her better than me, but I'm not getting the same takeaway. She didn't ask you back into her life in any substantial or meaningful way. Maybe she didn't even want to hear more from you after that, and was being polite.

 

I hope this isn't hurtful or harsh and I know I'm just theorizing here, but I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. I feel for you, and empathize for your heartache and regret.

 

I hope you can move forward in happiness without second-guessing what could-have or should-have been.

[maxi105]

hi s/c/ hhmmm...i started off thinking i'm with you on this, but the more i read this the less i think it sounds promising for anyone if i'm honest. unless you take action and start to think about things properly, you are going to really hurt someone else and quite possibly yourself again.

 

im wondering whether you should actually be marrying the girl you are with now?; not to reunite with the old girl but I think the girl you are with deserves more than what seems to be on offer at the moment, which uncertainty, rose coloured spectacles, secretly yearning for a feint chance with someone else (even if you say it's not what you want, I think you like this other girl more than you can admit to), nothing wrong in that but I wonder whether part of your feelings are from guilt and regret and that its making you want her even more, so now she's coming in your thoughts a lot.

 

what's the good of calling this other girl in 5 or 10 years is going to be, especially if you say you don't want anything from her? why bother??? that's a long time to wait and isn't practical or realistic in getting communication with her again to only see her smile blah blah...

 

however having said all of that, because this message has more to it that appears in parts; if you want genuine answers and to really find out about whether this is a complete fantasy or actually she does love you despite the way you have treated her!!!, then call her up in a day or two and you will find what the real deal is.

 

i think there is a part of you that is a bit scared of truth, but if you want to sort this then you have to tackle the real truth of your feelings and all those you have or are hurtng by this indecision!!!!!

 

but whatever you do I think you need to stop and have a serious think about toying with people's lives and hearts. whether it is intended or not, it hurts and isn't fair to those that get dragged into your high expectations, arrogance (and you've admitted that that's what you were in your own way) and ideals about what a good relationship is or isn't.

 

neither of these girls has shown you anything except that they understand what being with someone means and I'm not sure you really still are seeing that too clearly yet. it's good that you have had a re-think and review of how you treated the other girl, had a little therapy blah blah...but there is still work you need to do, you still need to grow up a bit...sorry, but that what I'm seeing here: just the no contact thing alone makes me think jeezzz you really do need to sort yourself out.

 

 

it sounds like you had something good and threw it away, and you are back in that situation again not feeling what you have is enough so you question something that you didn't value then ironically when you have something just as good but you don't see it.

 

that is not so say that the girl you are with is not right, but whether she is or not you still need to give her the respect and proper thought because I suspect will be wanting to marry you with her heart and soul and mean every word she says in marrying you! if you are not sure then the best thing you can do is to put that possible wedding back for a considerable time so you can go on and think some more about what it is that you are actually going to try to work on and what that means from your side, not thinking about what you think most other men want in their partners or what the rules of relationships say are appropriate to go no contact to , because for all of that ...you still don't sound happy.

 

if you love the girl you are with (and you are SURE it is love) you can put this back 6 months or a year and it won't change anything unless she gets fed up and leaves, but I suspect she loves you too much for that.

 

but maybe for your own good I actually would say get in touch with this other girl and you will see for yourself what the situation really is, not guessing games no more regret or if only i did this, she never text back when etc..

 

if it isn't real for her anymore or she tells you that you don't mean a thing to her you will feel it and hopefully that will be that,

 

if there is still something strong there and this other girl loves you; IF...then you have a duty to not lead someone good and kind into a marriage that isn't 100% what you want, because there is the very real danger that if you are not happy with the girl you are with , then somewhere down the line another girl who is more your type will come along and if she doesn't knock you back then you may find yourself in the same situation you are in now but only MORE STRONG and really head over heels in love for etc.and you will surely hurt her.

 

it's up to you of course, but happiness is one thing, breaking someone's heart who you are not sure about enough isn't fair either.

 

the real answers you need will be from the other girl and what it is that you want in a partnership.

 

if you are a man that has changed his ways???? then you need to behave in a way that is fitting for your partner (the real partner you want) that is. and you need to start being more honest in communication with them and yourself!!!!

 

but despite my post I think you are serious in your sadness and reflection for what has gone on, and therefore I urge you to take some serious time out to think about what you have and what you've lost, and be prepared to follow your heart, however it feels because if you don't listen to it and are not as prepared to work at things in the future you won't keep getting the chances you have been lucky enough to get!

 

I think if you get in touch with the other girl it will either shock you back into seeing what you have, or make you realise this is another chance if she wants you to do the right thing this time, but like I say you need to be honest with yourself here!!!!! because if she says she wants more and you do secretly want more then you need to stop being backwards about this situation and sort things out.

 

If you don't want anymore from this girl...then what do you want???a friendship????

 

and if you get that friendship; then you're gonna have to do your part to put the effort in and listen to her more!!!!!

 

if you dont want a friendship what was the point of your post? just to relieve your guilt some more? again, only you know what the real truth behind your feelings is.

 

what will be will be, but see the first bit of my post again and ask yourself if the girl you are with is enough for what you really want anymore,

 

 

see ya. maxi.

[idoltree]

Stark, what if none of this is about the women themselves?

 

You'll "probably marry" the woman you're with in a few months. (The passive language you choose is a bit concerning, there, btw.) Fantasizing about your perfect ex allows you emotional distance from the relationship that you're in, right?

 

Maybe it is real, as you say, and this ex was perfect and The One, and no one else can compare. The reason I don't quite believe that is because when you were with your ex, you also found ways to create distance from her. Then it was caring for your dad and associated anger.

 

In both relationships, you created distance so that you didn't have to be fully present and the women couldn't get too close to you. It's the common theme.

 

What if you're just someone terribly afraid of actual intimacy and so you sabotage your own happiness by trying to find ways to create artificial distance between you and the woman that you're with?

 

What if this perfect phantom ex-girlfriend of yours isn't/wasn't so perfect, and getting stuck on ruminating over her allows you to not participate fully in the relationship that you're actually in?

 

I don't think your ex-girlfriend is the answer. Even if you got her back, you'd find some new way to create distance from her. And she called you on it back then, so she tolerate it this time, either.

 

If any of this rings true, you need counseling. You likely have an avoidant attachment style, and until you deal with the feelings that created that tendency in you, you will sabotage your own happiness and the happiness of any woman who is attracted to you in order to avoid getting too close.

[StarkContrast]

Stark, what if none of this is about the women themselves?

 

You'll "probably marry" the woman you're with in a few months. (The passive language you choose is a bit concerning, there, btw.) Fantasizing about your perfect ex allows you emotional distance from the relationship that you're in, right?

 

Maybe it is real, as you say, and this ex was perfect and The One, and no one else can compare. The reason I don't quite believe that is because when you were with your ex, you also found ways to create distance from her. Then it was caring for your dad and associated anger.

 

In both relationships, you created distance so that you didn't have to be fully present and the women couldn't get too close to you. It's the common theme.

 

What if you're just someone terribly afraid of actual intimacy and so you sabotage your own happiness by trying to find ways to create artificial distance between you and the woman that you're with?

 

What if this perfect phantom ex-girlfriend of yours isn't/wasn't so perfect, and getting stuck on ruminating over her allows you to not participate fully in the relationship that you're actually in?

 

I don't think your ex-girlfriend is the answer. Even if you got her back, you'd find some new way to create distance from her. And she called you on it back then, so she tolerate it this time, either.

 

If any of this rings true, you need counseling. You likely have an avoidant attachment style, and until you deal with the feelings that created that tendency in you, you will sabotage your own happiness and the happiness of any woman who is attracted to you in order to avoid getting too close.

 

IdolTree, thanks for the post.

That's a really good observation that you made. However, taking care of my mentally ill dad was definitely not just an excuse to be distant. Maintaining my job while juggling my dad's psychotic episodes at home alone took a huge mental toll and I'm sure it at least contributed to my behaviour.

 

It's entirely possible that I've built her up to be this nice angel of a girl in my mind. But I can't really recall anything overtly bad that she ever did. I don't think my mind is blocking any out either. I wish she ended it with me by calling me names and throwing things at me and breaking my stuff. That would have made everything much easier in the long run.

 

I'm definitely not hoping to get back with her. I'm very sure she's completely moved on long ago, and prefer for me to live my life happily separately. But I do miss her, just as a person that was so close to me in my life.

 

There's a lot of things I wanted to tell her but I'm sure she definitely doesn't care and just wants me to move on and forget it all.

[basil67]

For what it's worth, I don't think you did miss an opportunity. She was just checking in to see how you were doing. There was nothing in that bit of contact to give the impression she was remotely open to getting back together.

[StarkContrast]

For what it's worth, I don't think you did miss an opportunity. She was just checking in to see how you were doing. There was nothing in that bit of contact to give the impression she was remotely open to getting back together.

 

I actually hope that's the case. Another thing I didn't mention in my original post was that when I emailed her a couple days after the breakup, she replied that maybe we could try again in a couple months...

 

I don't know ... I actually told my current gf about her a little whiles ago, and she said that she might have wanted me to put some effort into trying to get her back, to prove how much I wanted her. I also hope that's not the case. These thought really mess with my head.

[Morello]

I actually told my current gf about her a little whiles ago, and she said that she might have wanted me to put some effort into trying to get her back, to prove how much I wanted her. I also hope that's not the case. These thought really mess with my head.

 

[bluecastle]

I've been in so many versions of this, my friend, and feel for you.

 

But I do think that idoltree really hit the nail on the head with this being less about the women than about yourself and some intimacy issues you still need to sort through.

 

The fact is that when you were with your ex the relationship wasn't working for either of you. You couldn't balance it with taking care of your father—a trying situation, I understand, but healthy relationships can withstand trying relationships. And she wasn't getting the affection she needed to feel safe and secure. And I think on some deep level you understand all this, and that, more than stubbornness, is why you didn't make any grand overtures in the past. As for the idea that your stubbornness lead you to miss a small window—that's just not true. If the window is there, it's there, but she'd moved on, plain and simple.

 

I think we all have loves we look back on this way, loves that never quite leave us, loves that trigger countless "what ifs" that swirl through our mind. And that's okay. After all, it just means that we loved, and loved big, and losing those loves leaves a wound that never quite heals. The key is to celebrate what we had in the past internally, while applying the lessons learned (those "what ifs") to the present—in this case your current girlfriend, who, if you're not careful, I suspect may start to detach herself and you'll find yourself idealizing HER in a few years.

 

I don't mean this to sound harsh. I've done the same thing more times than I can count—holding onto the dregs of past loves in ways that prevents me from fully giving in to current ones. Those past loves were all wonderful women—how lucky I've been!—but I came to understand that it was more my own fears of being fully vulnerable and letting go of control that were getting in my way. So now I make a point of sharing those fears with new people—they're not insurmountable, but part of who I am, and sharing them (rather than using another person to suppress them) has helped me be much more present and truly let go of the past.

[Jdoublenn]

 

I made that same exact face when I read that he told his gf about missing out on his ex -_-

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't know ... I actually told my current gf about her a little whiles ago, and she said that she might have wanted me to put some effort into trying to get her back, to prove how much I wanted her. I also hope that's not the case. These thought really mess with my head.

 

WHOA. My ex's current bf also said this to her. My ex thought he was either a fool or that confident. My ex even suggested that we meet again. That, my friends would have resulted in a flood of all kinds of confusion and a lot of SEX, I guarantee it.

 

In the end, I pushed her to accept NC.

 

I have to wonder what partners are thinking when they give their partner permission to get back in contact with their exes with whom they obviously still have romantic feelings for.

[StarkContrast]

I actually hope that's the case. Another thing I didn't mention in my original post was that when I emailed her a couple days after the breakup, she replied that maybe we could try again in a couple months...

 

I don't know ... I actually told my current gf about her a little whiles ago, and she said that she might have wanted me to put some effort into trying to get her back, to prove how much I wanted her. I also hope that's not the case. These thought really mess with my head.

 

I wrote that incorrectly. I told my current gf and my current gf said that my exgf might have wanted me to put some effort into trying to get her back, in my current gf's opinion from what she knows about it.