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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 16th January 2018, 10:58 AM   #46
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It's not clear to me exactly why you broke up or if she left you for someone else. If she broke up with you due to problems with the relationship, she may be in a similar situation as me. I broke up with my ex and I know he wants to reconcile. We are still in contact, but I have given no assurances that we will get back together. I know he still holds out hope, but I need more time to process the break up and what happened with our relationship.

I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but I am in limbo myself. I love him and miss him, but I don't know if our relationship can be repaired, so that's the limbo I am in. If it's a similar situation as mine, I don't think she is stringing you along, or being cruel. She may just need more time to process or figure out what to do. Personally, I keep going along hoping that time will give me an answer to my situation.

It seems some people see this as she has some sort of hold or control of the situation. The problem is, no one knows what she this thinking and feeling on her side. She may be just as lost, devastated, confused etc as you. I know I feel in no way do I have control of my situation even though I know he wants to reconcile. I am completely devastated by my situation, but my ex may be thinking like you, that I am stringing him along. Nothing could be further from the truth.
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Old 16th January 2018, 12:09 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Been View Post
I really hope it goes well for you and I do wish you the best.
Just please go by her actions and not so much of what she says.
And when the time comes for you to speak please don't be concerned about "getting back togeather" and not addressing the past problems that lead to the break up.
I have mentioned our past some in my letters. I am done with those. I actually think that they have helped in a way as she has told her mom of some of the things that I have said within them... in a positive way. The actions vs words battle is really getting to me. On the one hand, she says all of these things but on the other hand, they have yet to materialize. Why say them? I am super anxious about all of the uncertainty but I am trying my best to be patient with her.
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Old 16th January 2018, 12:12 PM   #48
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If you're not going to go non-contact (which you probably should've), you should at least be strategic about it.
Play into her positive memories of you, be the guy she fell in love with originally.
You can address the other guy, the relationship problems ect. ect. later on, but doing anything like that now is just going to make it worse.
You seem smart, and you're making some good moves - but while she knows where she stands over you, and that you'd take her back in an instant: you have no control of the situation.
Take a break from talking to her so that you can come back and take control.
Thank you for the encouragement and the advice. I think you are right in your overall assessment here. And yeah, she is clearly in the position of power here.
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Old 16th January 2018, 12:23 PM   #49
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It's not clear to me exactly why you broke up or if she left you for someone else. If she broke up with you due to problems with the relationship, she may be in a similar situation as me. I broke up with my ex and I know he wants to reconcile. We are still in contact, but I have given no assurances that we will get back together. I know he still holds out hope, but I need more time to process the break up and what happened with our relationship.

I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but I am in limbo myself. I love him and miss him, but I don't know if our relationship can be repaired, so that's the limbo I am in. If it's a similar situation as mine, I don't think she is stringing you along, or being cruel. She may just need more time to process or figure out what to do. Personally, I keep going along hoping that time will give me an answer to my situation.

It seems some people see this as she has some sort of hold or control of the situation. The problem is, no one knows what she this thinking and feeling on her side. She may be just as lost, devastated, confused etc as you. I know I feel in no way do I have control of my situation even though I know he wants to reconcile. I am completely devastated by my situation, but my ex may be thinking like you, that I am stringing him along. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I thank you for your post here. You have a unique perspective and one that I needed to hear. While I do value the time that everyone on this thread has taken, it has seemed like the chorus of people suggesting that she is using me is a bit too strong at times. It seems as if that is where the mind naturally goes for a lot of people but reality is often more complicated and not quite as malicious as one might think.

I am sorry to hear that you are stuck in limboland as well...even as the dumper. It is a terrible place to be with all of the uncertainty and I really feel for you.

She has given me no assurances but she does do things that give me hope. My latest update came to me this morning. She reached out to me to see if I wanted to go out to coffee one morning soon. I accepted. We do not have a firm day yet as she claims she needs to check her schedule. If you have been reading this thread, you will have likely seen where I asked her to lunch or dinner close to a month ago. She accepted dinner and that has yet to happen as her schedule keeps getting in the way.

She has told her mom that she misses me and that she has been miserable and not going out much. I am not really sure what gives. Her mom gets the impression that she wants to go out but is afraid of something. Anyways, I am really at a loss at this point.
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Old 16th January 2018, 1:03 PM   #50
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You keep seeing her as someone you want to see. Not the wolf in sheeps clothing. Sorry. But getting coffee, doesn't require much thought. She is still stringing you along. I hope that you seriously spend some time reading up on positions in relationships. Because you are a beta. And she has lost respect for you.

I still maintain that getting engaged for marriage is no simple task. And it takes real commitment. If she broke that off from the very beginning of this thread, you have your answer. She is not a safe partner. But I'm still hedging my bet that there is another guy/guys. She is young. She has options. And you are like the 4th. or 5th. guy in line.

I guess I'm traditional in that I don't believe in playing games like this. But there it is...You are the perfect beta that keeps the games alive and strong. Smarter men will learn from this thread and know to keep away from toxic people such as your ex. And she will always be your ex. You can count on it. Meanwhile at 29 years old, you are wasting your time on her and good girls are being snatched out from under you. Bravo. Only hope you learn to NC soon and move on. Sorry if so brutal, it is not my intention. just hate seeing good guys that expect so much more, to be handed a sh** sandwich and forced to enjoy eating it!
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:50 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by MilesTruelove View Post
I thank you for your post here. You have a unique perspective and one that I needed to hear. While I do value the time that everyone on this thread has taken, it has seemed like the chorus of people suggesting that she is using me is a bit too strong at times. It seems as if that is where the mind naturally goes for a lot of people but reality is often more complicated and not quite as malicious as one might think.

I am sorry to hear that you are stuck in limboland as well...even as the dumper. It is a terrible place to be with all of the uncertainty and I really feel for you.

She has given me no assurances but she does do things that give me hope. My latest update came to me this morning. She reached out to me to see if I wanted to go out to coffee one morning soon. I accepted. We do not have a firm day yet as she claims she needs to check her schedule. If you have been reading this thread, you will have likely seen where I asked her to lunch or dinner close to a month ago. She accepted dinner and that has yet to happen as her schedule keeps getting in the way.

She has told her mom that she misses me and that she has been miserable and not going out much. I am not really sure what gives. Her mom gets the impression that she wants to go out but is afraid of something. Anyways, I am really at a loss at this point.
Thank you. It is a terrible place even though I am the "dumper". For me, I feel it's worse to be the dumper, because the responsibility of the decision rests with me. It's a terrible burden although I am sure many will not see it that way. I don't know if my relationship is repairable and I fear if I try and don't succeed, it will break me.

She sounds a little like me. I haven't gone out either despite repeated invitations from friends to go out. My ex has also asked me to hang out with no pressure (basically as friends) and I'm just not ready to do that. I sympathize with you both. I really do.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:37 AM   #52
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I can imagine that it is not easy being the dumper, either. I really do feel for you and for my fiancee as well.

As the dumper, what do you make of this: She reached out last night and told me that she has a lot to say to me and that I should expect a letter in a day or two. I told her that, if I am being honest, I felt like a door was closing which is sad because we were finally starting to talk again. Her response to that was, "Please wait for my response before you begin to get worried. My response coming slowly shouldn't lead you to believe anything other than I am dealing with sheer chaos in every aspect of my life. I understand how this must seem and I do not mean to leave you hanging." When I said that she did not need to write anything down, that we could meet and talk about it in person, she said, "I want to and we will."

She is sending the letter this week and then we are meeting next week. The confusion lives on.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:50 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
You keep seeing her as someone you want to see. Not the wolf in sheeps clothing. Sorry. But getting coffee, doesn't require much thought. She is still stringing you along. I hope that you seriously spend some time reading up on positions in relationships. Because you are a beta. And she has lost respect for you.

I still maintain that getting engaged for marriage is no simple task. And it takes real commitment. If she broke that off from the very beginning of this thread, you have your answer. She is not a safe partner. But I'm still hedging my bet that there is another guy/guys. She is young. She has options. And you are like the 4th. or 5th. guy in line.

I guess I'm traditional in that I don't believe in playing games like this. But there it is...You are the perfect beta that keeps the games alive and strong. Smarter men will learn from this thread and know to keep away from toxic people such as your ex. And she will always be your ex. You can count on it. Meanwhile at 29 years old, you are wasting your time on her and good girls are being snatched out from under you. Bravo. Only hope you learn to NC soon and move on. Sorry if so brutal, it is not my intention. just hate seeing good guys that expect so much more, to be handed a sh** sandwich and forced to enjoy eating it!
I know that it is popular to use terms like beta and so forth on here to define people who are seen as stubborn or pushovers, etc. Some people move on and are fine to leave the rubble of a relationship in the rear-view. Maybe that is always the right thing to do. Maybe it isn't. Perhaps I have done everything wrong. I really do not know. Define me that way if you must. Who is to say that I am wasting my time here? I agree that breaking an engagement is a big thing but what if something even bigger is happening within her life that she needs to work through? What if this can be salvaged? It has been a rough six weeks and I obviously cannot keep doing this but at the same time, we have been together four years and I still have feelings for her.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:14 AM   #54
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Sooo, your saying that you guys were ready to get married and had life plans. But, the ellusive "something" popped up with her and she doesn't work it out with you? She jumps ship. THAT is the red flag. If you truly meant anything to her, she would've been honest about her feelings and issues in her life. Afterall, it is both of your lives....Together. But in reality, it is not. It is her life and she looks to you for validation and self worth by stringing along your feelings of something that is not even there.

Put your foot down. And ask yourself, where is the love letter? How was that romantic dinner her mom talks about? Will she be open enough to let you know where she has been this whole time? Can she admit to feelings she may or may not of had during and after the breakup? What is she willing to do to make YOU feel safe and begin healing? Where do you factor in all of this?

Ask her today, and let us know what she says and more importantly does, this could be the answer you need and want.....
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:28 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by MilesTruelove View Post
I can imagine that it is not easy being the dumper, either. I really do feel for you and for my fiancee as well.

As the dumper, what do you make of this: She reached out last night and told me that she has a lot to say to me and that I should expect a letter in a day or two. I told her that, if I am being honest, I felt like a door was closing which is sad because we were finally starting to talk again. Her response to that was, "Please wait for my response before you begin to get worried. My response coming slowly shouldn't lead you to believe anything other than I am dealing with sheer chaos in every aspect of my life. I understand how this must seem and I do not mean to leave you hanging." When I said that she did not need to write anything down, that we could meet and talk about it in person, she said, "I want to and we will."

She is sending the letter this week and then we are meeting next week. The confusion lives on.
Honestly, I think it's a bit unfair that she is referring to a letter and not really telling you up front what she is thinking. In this way, I think she is leaving you hanging only because it seems like she knows what she wants to say, but doesn't want to say it? Perhaps she needs to write it down to really express it or she is scared of your response, but she could tell you something more, in my opinion. With my ex, I told him straight out that I didn't really know where I was and had to think about it more. In this case, it seems like she knows something since she is telling you not to worry. If she's not telling you why she wanted the break up, it's completely unfair. If she has already explained it to you, and feels you aren't getting it, that's something different.
There are a lot of variables I don't know about the story.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:35 AM   #56
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Sooo, your saying that you guys were ready to get married and had life plans. But, the ellusive "something" popped up with her and she doesn't work it out with you? She jumps ship. THAT is the red flag. If you truly meant anything to her, she would've been honest about her feelings and issues in her life. Afterall, it is both of your lives....Together. But in reality, it is not. It is her life and she looks to you for validation and self worth by stringing along your feelings of something that is not even there.

Put your foot down. And ask yourself, where is the love letter? How was that romantic dinner her mom talks about? Will she be open enough to let you know where she has been this whole time? Can she admit to feelings she may or may not of had during and after the breakup? What is she willing to do to make YOU feel safe and begin healing? Where do you factor in all of this?

Ask her today, and let us know what she says and more importantly does, this could be the answer you need and want.....
I hope you know that I am not trying to be obtuse or needlessly argumentative here. I both want and probably need to hear what you are saying. And I do agree with you largely.

I have asked her and she keeps stating that I will get my answer but that she needs time. Before last week, she would not even reference our relationship. She is now speaking to her mother about it (which is big in its own way) and has finally started talking to me about it. Before then, we would talk but that was the elephant in the room. The one exception being when we went out to breakfast a month ago where she began crying as we talked.

I am allowing the "what if..." to get to me. I know that might be a bad thing. Heck, it is probably largely a bad thing. But I have given this person a lot and she has given me a lot. I just feel like I owe it to all of the good that we had to let her respond in her own way...even if that is a longer process than she realizes.

You are absolutely correct in saying that she owes me quite a bit with regards to assurances, information and, at the very least, an explanation. She can only stall for so long and perhaps her letter will, when it finally arrives, will answer some or all of my questions. If it does not, I am sure you will have plenty of advice for me as to what my next move should be.
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:02 PM   #57
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I can imagine that it is not easy being the dumper, either. I really do feel for you and for my fiancee as well.

As the dumper, what do you make of this: She reached out last night and told me that she has a lot to say to me and that I should expect a letter in a day or two. I told her that, if I am being honest, I felt like a door was closing which is sad because we were finally starting to talk again. Her response to that was, "Please wait for my response before you begin to get worried. My response coming slowly shouldn't lead you to believe anything other than I am dealing with sheer chaos in every aspect of my life. I understand how this must seem and I do not mean to leave you hanging." When I said that she did not need to write anything down, that we could meet and talk about it in person, she said, "I want to and we will."

She is sending the letter this week and then we are meeting next week. The confusion lives on.
Okay, give it til the end of next week and if no letter and no meeting, then you really need to work on moving on and you need to tell her that if that happens. Stop the contact and stop doing this to yourself. When two people are supposedly in love and engaged to be married, any problems should be worked through while still together. Bailing out when things get tough, without evening trying, is a huge red flag when thinking about spending your life together with someone.
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Old 24th January 2018, 10:40 AM   #58
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Update

I still have not gotten my letter as promised. At this point, it will have been close to a month of her working on it and putting off sending it to me.

Having said that, we have been talking every day. She always initiates the conversations. And they are going well. We both seem to feel that way. She says that it feels good to talk to me again and that it reminds her of a better time in her life, that being with me was when she was at her happiest. She invited me out to coffee this week and she has also asked me to dinner this weekend. She apologized for not sending the letter and stated that we can talk about what was in the letter in person. She said that she misses me, she misses us at our best and that she wants to talk about reconciliation -- in particular, what the journey forward would look like. The meeting will not be a 'guaranteed precursor' to reconciliation but rather a catalyst for that to occur if both of us are on the same page. We also had a trip to California scheduled next week for ten days. Since I have no interest in going alone and the tickets are in our names, she wants me to see if we can reschedule it for May.

This is where I am at. Still greatly confused but getting closer to a point where we can have a real conversation about our relationship and any issues that may surround it. Thoughts?
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Old 24th January 2018, 12:15 PM   #59
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MilesTrueLove,

I just went through all your posts. So sorry you’re going through this. With regards to leaving you for another guy, I have a couple of questions. How was she behaving with her phone in the months prior to the breakup? Was she on it a lot? Was she getting messages/calls at odd hours? Was she putting her phone face down at all times? Was she very protective of it? My ex did all of the above and, lo and behold, there was another guy who convinced her to end our relationship. If there is another guy, my guess is that he works with her because she’s been working a lot more.

Another explanation as to why she wanted a break could be her age. She’s only 24. Her friends are probably out partying, enjoying the attention of horny guys and playing the field. From what you shared about her, I don’t think she’s that kind of girl but she’s been with you since the age of 20 and she must’ve wanted to experience the single life before getting tied down.

To quote The Rational Male, ”In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least” and right now your fiancée (ex?) has it. She’s definitely stringing you along and you’re enabling her. I don’t doubt that she’s missing you but you’ve put this girl up on a pedestal and she’s taking full advantage of it. Look at the promises she hasn’t kept; the coffee, the dinner, the letter. You’ve been waiting for these things for more than a month. I don’t care how busy she is; if she wanted to see you, she would’ve at least told you to meet her at her place if not meet you at yours.

I had a very similar dynamic with my ex. She started hanging out with this other guy a lot and, like you, I begged her to not see him and be with me. I then got smart and became indifferent to her. That made her rethink everything and now she wants to get back! I haven’t taken her back but I have the option to do so and it’s all due to the power shift. Do you want that letter soon? Do you want that dinner date set? Take her off that pedestal. Make her realise that your life doesn’t revolve around her and that you’ll move on. You don’t have to go no contact but you don’t have to respond to all of her messages and calls. Tell her you’re too busy with life and that if she has something important to talk about then to reach out. Trust me, the thought of you getting over her will straighten her out.

You seem like a great guy Miles. I really enjoyed reading your posts. I recommend you read the book I’ve posted above, or at least going through the preview. I sincerely hope you get better.

On a lighter note, I know we’re still in January but “limboland” has to be an early contender for word of the year

Take care
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Old 24th January 2018, 4:03 PM   #60
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My Ex Fiancee left me in the exact same manner in September. Trust me when i say this, listen to people in this forum. I begged and pleaded with her for a month and yes there was another guy involved. No matter what you think now, she chose to throw away a healthy relationship to start something new. Since she probably hit a roadblock there, she is stringing you on.

These breakups follow a pattern, something that has happened to many people on this forum. Learn from their experiences, don't repeat the mistakes. I know you do not want to believe this now. I was in the same position one month into my break up. Its just denial and trust me even if you do get back to her now, that relationship will fail. Give them what they want, space or freedom, whatever you want to call it and exit. Your ex will leave you the moment she finds something better.

Trust me, you would not believe me how much clarity you will have in another 3 months. Let time do the healing and then you will see things more clearly. But for that you have to go strict NC. Cut her loose, emails, texts, calls, Facebook and everything else. Don't let her cloud your judgement. Everybody starts NC to get back their ex, no matter what they say, but overtime you will understand things with much more clarity.

It is hard but you will thank yourself for this later. Keep your self respect and dignity. To let someone back who do not respect you, who was bold enough to cheat on you and betray you is letting them do that again. Protect yourself and do things to distract your pain. Hit the gym, talk to friends and family, but don't let yourself break NC. Be your own strength and you will be doing much better over the months.

Read the threads on GIGs, it will help you put things into perspective, but don't keep false hope, they made those decisions consciously. If they were the same person you knew, they would not be able to hurt you like this. They have changed, dumped you and let you be their backup. Don't hold on to them. Cut them free and protect yourself in the best way you can.

I hope you consider reading through this forum and listening to people before you put yourself through this anymore.
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