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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?


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Old 22nd December 2017, 11:48 AM   #1
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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?

My fiancée (24) and I (29) recently went through a pretty nasty breakup back in late November. We are engaged and have been together for four years. We had a really fantastic relationship for the longest time but within the last month (so beginning in October), it was almost like a switch had been flipped within her. Suddenly this girl who shared everything with me and who always had the warmest smile turned cold, distant, bitter and very depressed. She became highly critical of nearly everything that I did and each night our conversations would spiral into an argument and then she would either shut herself in our room or storm off and leave. It should be stated that we recently moved to a larger city (she has always lived in a small town and has agoraphobia), she just got her first real salaried job that is very high stress and demanding, her place of work is very dysfunctional, her relationship with her immediate family is not great currently, and she is taking college courses.

The breakup itself was just as nasty as the month that led up to it. I admittedly did not handle it well. I did the whole begging thing that is very unattractive and unbecoming of a partner. One of my first nights away from her I sent some pretty rude messages, too. It was not my best moment, for sure. My name came off of our apartment lease, I moved 75% of my stuff out of our place, we split our funds, I said goodbye to our cat and found a place of my own. For a couple of weeks, we contacted each other minimally. But then she started sending me texts. The texts were nothing profound or anything: she asked if I made it to work safely when our state got hit with heavy snow, she sent me a link to a discounted subscription to a magazine she knew I liked, she asked if I was okay after a pipe bomb went off in NYC as she knew that I was there at the time, etc. Little things, nothing big.

She knows where I stand on wanting to get back together. She knows that this has crushed me. I absolutely love this girl. She is my world. I have tried to sort through all of my emotions and I have tried to look at our relationship objectively. I have been going to counseling, I've tried to occupy my time in healthy ways, I have surrounded myself with a great support system of friends and family, etc. I just cannot get over how the greatest and most fulfilling relationship of my life came to what I think of as an abrupt end. I have my flaws but they very fixable. Did she leave me for someone else? Is she have a life crisis of sorts? Perhaps she has just lost all attraction for me? I have been so confused by this whole thing. All I know is that she has not been sharing any information with any of our mutual friends or with her parents. She has also seemingly not been going out. I do not know who her support system is or how she is occupying her time.

I was initially going to go no-contact but I couldn't. Perhaps breaking NC was a bad decision but it does not sit right with me to simply cut off all contact with someone so important to me when I feel that there is something that needs to be said. I would not apply that logic to any other relationship so why should it be applied here, I reasoned. I did give her space and I am still continuing to do so. But a week ago, I asked her out to coffee. We met up at a place that I took her for her birthday in September (her choice) and we talked for two hours and even went by a store afterwards to do some holiday shopping. Our conversation started off light with us just catching up, it turned to us joking a bit and then came the dreaded, "We need to talk" from her. My heart sank. She told me that she had been unhappy, that I had said hurtful things to her as our relationship started to unravel, and that she knows that I want to reconcile things. She then started to cry in the restaurant and said that she would be open to a reconciliation but that she needed more time.
I did not know what to expect that morning but I was blown away by her stating that she would be open to reconciling after more time as this is not something she has expressed interest in since we broke up. So I decided to write her a letter. It essentially stated my continued feelings for her, that any issues that we have are things that I am committed to fixing, that I am interested in reconciling, but that if she is not, all she needs to do is just tell me and I will let go so I can adjust to the new reality of a life without her and begin the healing process. I said that if she was still open to reconciling, that I would love to take her out to lunch or dinner--that there was no rush in getting back to me. Days later, she messaged me stating that she would be open to dinner some time after Christmas.
So... this is where I am currently. The only person I have ever proposed to, someone that I have given four years to, broke up with me a month ago but now is open to maybe reconciling with me and getting back together. She is either open to reconciling, she is very cruel or she is very confused -- or she is all of the above, maybe. I have honestly never been so devastated, hurt and confused about anything in my life. I know breakups rarely provide happiness and clarity on matters but this one really takes the cake for me, personally. I want to get back with her but perhaps that is also emotions toying with me. Who knows? It takes two to make a relationship work and perhaps only time will tell what she actually wants.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:29 PM   #2
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Reconciliation only works if the two people involved fix whatever problems ripped them apart in the first place.


Has she made peace with living in a big city? Has she addressed her agoraphobia? (BTW are you sure she even has that. If it's real she wouldn't be able to leave the house, let alone move or go to work)


Unless you both know what caused the stress & can work to over come that, don't reconcile. You will be right back where you were.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:40 PM   #3
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Okay, so after a long 4 year relationship with you guys tied and ready to marry. She THEN goes cold and ballistic and blows the relationship up in mad fashion.

You DID have a poor choice moment in retaliating and saying hurtful things. But in your defense, you were hurt. It's hard to have a stiff upper lip. I get it.

Now she has seen the grass is NOT greener on the other side( 24 and inexperienced) and wants you back...But needs more time??WTF?

I get it you are in love, but I need to break it to ya....

THERE IS ANOTHER GUY....

She detached from you in the beginning and was hurtful because she had feelings and a relationship with another...

She needs more time, because she is trying to detach from the OM.

-Monkey Branching-
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:49 PM   #4
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Agorophobia

I am not sure if she has been diagnosed with that or not, or if it just an overwhelming sense of anxiety in crowded places. She describes it that way. Regardless, whatever she has is real and rather crippling.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:55 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Okay, so after a long 4 year relationship with you guys tied and ready to marry. She THEN goes cold and ballistic and blows the relationship up in mad fashion.

You DID have a poor choice moment in retaliating and saying hurtful things. But in your defense, you were hurt. It's hard to have a stiff upper lip. I get it.

Now she has seen the grass is NOT greener on the other side( 24 and inexperienced) and wants you back...But needs more time??WTF?

I get it you are in love, but I need to break it to ya....

THERE IS ANOTHER GUY....

She detached from you in the beginning and was hurtful because she had feelings and a relationship with another...

She needs more time, because she is trying to detach from the OM.

-Monkey Branching-



I may be in love but I am not certainly not blind about this. There was a version of me a month ago that was but I see things for what they are. She claims there is no one else...I know, I know.


Could there realistically be any other reasons she would want to wait? She claims that I said very cruel things to her when we broke up. I was angry and regret being that way. Could it maybe be that she just needs more time? Or perhaps more space? These are legit questions from me as I am quite baffled and really am having trouble with how to proceed. Maybe she is rebounding. She is not good at being alone and I am really not sure what her support system is at this point.


I apologized for my outbursts via text but I have never been that way in the past. It was purely situational but I was still out of line.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 2:05 PM   #6
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And to answer your other question, donn, I guess she has made peace with the city in some respects as she kept the apartment. She told me that her work situation is deteriorating, though. She honestly seems more unhappy now than she ever did. Perhaps that is just me or perhaps that is just the front she is putting up. Again, I am confused. The sky could be falling on top of me at this point and I would not know what is happening.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 2:26 PM   #7
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Yes, you apologized and owned your *****. Good job. But I am still at a loss of why after 4 years and ready for walking the alter time, she blows up and makes you enemy #1? THAT hasn't been answered. And for me, the agoraphobia thing doesn't fit. She maybe has it to a degree. But she wouldn't meet you for coffee. Period.

You said in the original post that it was like a light switch. But she never said anything concerning living in NY or big cities in general? She didn't have fights concerning venues for the wedding or other couple issues? She just suddenly started getting angry and verbally combative? I read that it is called "hostile disengagement". And act by a partner to finalize the end of the relationship for the new one...

That is what concerns me....She has a new job in new surroundings in a big place. Full of people with big lives...She is bound to have new experiences with new people. But not understanding where her boundaries are concerning you, she may be bonding with someone else in her life. She IS only 24. Life has not been fully lived yet and decisions made may not be in your best interest.
Now something has changed and she comes back into your life (plan b). But she needs time to do what exactly? Why the space? You already are out of the picture. Her statement is disingenuous at best.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 3:07 PM   #8
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Perhaps 'severe anxiety' should replace 'agoraphobia' in the OP. She definitely has anxiety and living in a city has always been a concern. The big reason we moved was for her new job, though. She really hates that and states that she should have never left the position she had working with me. She resents so much about her life and I seem to be a part of that resentment now. I have only ever tried to be comforting and supportive, though.


I think it is logical, sane and, perhaps(?), correct to suggest that she was disengaging from me for something else. I think it is also correct to suggest that this might be for another guy but a part of me wonders about that. She was just so negative towards everything. I have wondered if it is stress or depression that has made her push me away. At the same time, I do not know who her support system presently is and she does not do well by herself, especially when she is stressed and depressed.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 1:59 PM   #9
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Greetings from Limboland

The toughest thing for me at the moment is that the frequency of her messages does seem to be increasing. It seems very unfair. She knows how I feel about her. I do not know how she feels about me. I have made it clear that I cannot be just friends with her. I have never wanted to read someone's mind so badly.

Anyways, I am taking my time in responding to her messages. I do not want to give it away to her the hold that she presently has on me. I am keeping it light and fun when I do respond. No relationship-y stuff, no drama, nothing too heavy. The wait and the uncertainty are both painful, though. I could let go and probably heal a hell of a lot faster than being in this limboland that I feel myself currently being in, but this is just too big. The "what if" is too hard to let go. I love and care about her. I would take her back today but not unconditionally.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:44 AM   #10
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Update

Well, she is still messaging me with some frequency. She got the flu last week and missed three days of work so we did not end up going out as she had stated. I messaged her to see how she was doing over the weekend and she said that she is slowly getting better. Anyways, last night I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me some time this week and she stated that she would "check her schedule" when she is back at work and get back to me.

I am very confused by this girl. She broke up with me. The hard part has been done. She knows what I want. Why not just tell me to take a hike? Am I being strung along? Is she playing games? Is this a good sign?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:00 PM   #11
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I agree with the other poster- there was someone else. All the signs point to it-sudden shifting of being distant,starting arguments,etc.
You dont just ruin a relationship that quick for no reason.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:12 PM   #12
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Another guy

We have been together for four years and she completely threw all of that away...and is now alluding to the fact that she may be interested in getting back together... Why? It has barely been over a month. If this is a grass is greener type of situation, wound't she still be looking for that green grass? Surely she didn't throw away four years to be with some guy for a whole month.

I am not trying to make excuses. I am just confused and I am trying to make sense out of all of this. My love for her might be unconditional but my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional. I just want to make sure that I am handling this appropriately.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:38 PM   #13
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Yes there is someone else...

Yes there is someone else...

That is exactly what happened. Even with the anxiety, she would not break up unless she thought that the other guy would date her full time.

So yes she was cheating on you. Don't believe it. The next time you are together, ask to see her phone, and look through it. You will find what you need to know there.

No, do not get back with her.

So the other guy, either is not as great as she thought, or he dumped her.

Could it be something else, yeah. What are the probabilities? About 0%.

You need to move on from this one...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:42 PM   #14
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Yes there is someone else...

That is exactly what happened. Even with the anxiety, she would not break up unless she thought that the other guy would date her full time.

So yes she was cheating on you. Don't believe it. The next time you are together, ask to see her phone, and look through it. You will find what you need to know there.

No, do not get back with her.

So the other guy, either is not as great as she thought, or he dumped her.

Could it be something else, yeah. What are the probabilities? About 0%.

You need to move on from this one...
I certainly do not foresee asking to go through her phone being a wise decision the next time I see her.

I am not 100% convinced there is another guy. There very well could be...but to suggest that there could not be other factors at play here seems a bit off. But what do I know.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:58 PM   #15
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Well that is kind of the point...

Well that is kind of the point...

You are here on the internet, asking questions.

Experienced users are telling you that there is someone else because we have experienced this stuff before.

The way that she acted towards you is classic cheater behavior. They find dissatisfaction with you, out of no where, because they are cheating. They have to justify the guilt.

The guy at work was probably a player and dumped her when she said, "OK, I left my BF so we can be together!" Then he banged her for a while a dumped her.

Could there be another explanation, of course, and the probability is less than 0.01 percent.

You asked the question, we are just answering it...
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