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8 year relationship - complicated cheating situation


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 12th December 2017, 11:36 PM   #16
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Typical cheater. Nothing special here at all.

It's only because it happened to you.

Wake up
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:09 AM   #17
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Thanks everyone...

Update * she told me she has crush on him but isn't attracted to him. Its a fact he's not good looking. She admitted she doesn't see herself with him as in being husband material but isn't sure exactly where he falls. As I mentioned I really think its cuz she sees characterics in him which I lacked. She doesn't hang out with him but lives at home and he does take this into advantage at times by trying to kiss her

Still is with me but has feelings for him which are superficial as I have read from articles. Every person in relationship develops them

Reference https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.red...r_has_a_crush/

Is this gonna be a flopper for sure?

Last edited by baro; 13th December 2017 at 5:12 AM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:40 AM   #18
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Btw is it wrong of me to get her a hotel room till she. Finds a new place or have her stay at my place and I leave?

Like earlier person mentioned her sleeping there slowly kills me especially since he makes subtle moves on her
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Old 13th December 2017, 5:59 AM   #19
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Would you please read what you wrote...

Would you please read what you wrote... Read it out loud and listen to how silly it sounds.

A crush IS ATTRACTION. That statement is just silly.

Dude, you are not married to this woman, why would you put up with this?

She slept with him because she wanted to. She has no respect for you or your relationship. Why would you allow yourself to be number 2?

You need to dump her yesterday, she is not relationship material. Don't be a little beta boy, and don't stand for this behavior.

You really need to end this...
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:49 AM   #20
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Oh, dear.

OP, this is a very typical cheating situation. Your story is really no different from many, many others.

Also, she is talking out both sides of her mouth. She has a crush but isn't attracted? No. She is obviously attracted to him or she would not have had sex with him. His objective physical appearance has little to do with attraction in the end.

You need to understand that your girlfriend bears the most responsibility for this. She is no victim of some manipulative dude. She was an active and willing participant. Sure, he's sketchy for pursuing a taken woman. But she is much, much worse. Times got tough, she felt neglected, and this is the choice she made? That does not bode well for a future together, OP.

It sounds to me like she began checking out of the relationship a while ago. She liked the attention from her roommate and was attracted to him, so she tested the waters. Unfortunately, she also now admits she has some feelings for him. It would be extraordinarily difficult for you two to come back from his, especially because she likely has not told you the whole truth about what exactly happened. I would bet any money there is much more to this than she has let on; there almost always is.
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Old 13th December 2017, 10:21 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baro View Post
Btw is it wrong of me to get her a hotel room till she. Finds a new place or have her stay at my place and I leave?

Like earlier person mentioned her sleeping there slowly kills me especially since he makes subtle moves on her
Baro, if she can't say no to a guy now, moving her won't change anything....is she really the person you want as your rock?
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Old 13th December 2017, 10:46 AM   #22
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You guys are right but I truly believe that our relationship was lacking in certain terms which is why she finally did something because it was never fixed.

Her actions are no way acceptable but just saying this was a problem we had been working on. We fixed it but it creeped back without me realizing. Only difference this time something happened

Now she's having this thought
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:14 AM   #23
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Baro, buddy, please...

Quote:
Originally Posted by baro View Post
You guys are right but I truly believe that our relationship was lacking in certain terms which is why she finally did something because it was never fixed.

Her actions are no way acceptable but just saying this was a problem we had been working on. We fixed it but it creeped back without me realizing. Only difference this time something happened

Now she's having this thought
Baro, buddy, please...

You are still making excuses for her. Did you go out and cheat? No?

Why is that, oh, because you are not a dirt bag of a cheater...

YOU SIMPLY MUST WAKE UP. If you stay with this girl, she will cheat on you again. Did she even use a condom??? How do you know? Did she tell you that?

You think that they had sex one time? Oh, because she told you... So you can trust everything that she says?

This is not a woman to invest 8 days, 8 months and assuredly not 8 years.

Dollars to donuts that this is not the first time that she has cheated, you just did not find out.

Is this the kind of woman that you want to be with for the rest of your life.

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:57 AM   #24
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Thanks everyone...

Update * she told me she has crush on him but isn't attracted to him. Its a fact he's not good looking. She admitted she doesn't see herself with him as in being husband material but isn't sure exactly where he falls. As I mentioned I really think its cuz she sees characterics in him which I lacked. She doesn't hang out with him but lives at home and he does take this into advantage at times by trying to kiss her

Still is with me but has feelings for him which are superficial as I have read from articles. Every person in relationship develops them

Reference https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.red...r_has_a_crush/

Is this gonna be a flopper for sure?
Huh? How is it possible to have a crush on someone but not be attracted to them? Please explain that one. Also you have mentioned more than once that the guy she cheated with isn't good looking or isn't as good looking as you. Doesn't matter. When it comes to chemistry looks don't matter as much as you think, especially not for women. I've dated super good looking guys and had only lukewarm feelings of attraction for them and I've dated really average looking guys whom I've been wild with desire for. If your gf feels a sexual chemistry/attraction to this guy then it doesn't matter one bit that you are more attractive.

The biggest problem in this situation is that you are helping her rugsweep and blame others for her choice. It's your fault for being busy. It's the other guy's fault for hitting on her. That's all a load of crap! It's 100% her fault and if she doesn't fully accept responsibility and show true remorse and empathy for the damage she has caused then she will definitely cheat again. And by the way showing remorse doesn't involve blame shifting in any way. Saying " oh I'm so sorry I hurt you, I feel so bad but _________" fill in the blank with blame shifting excuses like "you were never around" "he wouldn't stop hitting on me" and you've got an unremorseful cheater on your hands.

She wasn't a vulnerable damsel in distress. Any adult woman can handle their boyfriend being busy advancing his career without dropping their pants for some other guy. That she felt it acceptable to betray you in the worst way because she was feeling a little neglected is a bad bad sign. Relationships can go through a lot bigger problems and she has shown you how she handles problems. I guess you can sign up for a lifetime of having to jump through her hoops or get cheated on if you want.
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:27 PM   #25
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I think you have shown her that she can do just about anything and you will take her back. You've made enough excuses for her cheating, the reality is, she didn't move out because she like her situation. She's attracted to him, one day she's telling you not to worry next day she's doing the lateral mamba in bed with him. They still live together, she enjoyed the sex or she would have been gone the next morning, sorry pal. An 8 year relationship is like an 8 year marriage, your committed to each other. Your still committed, she's testing other men to replace you.

You can come up with all the excuses you want but she is a grown woman, no one forced themselves on her, she had sex with him because she wanted to. She lied to you to keep you hanging on. Why are you blaming him, he only took what she put out there, put the blame where it belongs. You have no 8 year relationship with him, your girlfriend is the only one in a relationship with you. Sex wouldn't have happened if she didn't want it to happen. If she's cheating and lying to you before you marry her guess what you can expect after you marry her. She's already dealt with her demons, it's a lot easier to cheat again specially if there is no consequence. Your probably going to reward her instead by asking her to move in with you or perhaps even marry her.

If you think your situation is unique guess again. Your girlfriend is acting like every other cheating girlfriend, her behavior proves it. If I understand correctly this is her second "Incident" and proves my point, it's easier to cheat the second time. Stop making excuses for her, if your going to keep taking her back at least talk to a lawyer about a prenuptial agreement. Don't even consider marriage without one. I think your in for a lot more hurt with this relationship. She needs serious independent counselling. If your willing to spend a lifetime with someone that has already proven that if a opportunity arose and she thought she could get away with it she will act on it. I wish you luck friend, nothing you have written would make me feel safe with her. The only thing she has given you is her promise, and we know what that's worth, zero. Your best predictor of your future together is your history with her. Women know how to shut down a situation so there is no misunderstanding if they want to.

Last edited by aliveagain; 13th December 2017 at 12:58 PM..
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Old 15th December 2017, 6:08 PM   #26
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Hey, I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this! I see that you want to give your relationship another shot. You have decided to love and that is brave! I also see that you have been thinking about this thoroughly and looking at everything that angle of you and your behavior as well as your GF. In a situation like this, it is very important to think things carefully, as you are doing, and set the proper responsibilities and consequences for both people in the relationship. Have you had the chance to discuss this with someone you can trust? A friend or a counselor could help you gain some additional perspective and work a plan of action to correct those things that you are responsible for and see more objectively what the other person needs to do! If you want to continue investing in this relationship, it is important to know where the other person stands in their commitment. Maybe a counselor or therapist can help you both figure that out!
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Old 16th December 2017, 1:22 AM   #27
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How did it go from he kept hitting on her relentlessly and she finally gave in to sex because she was vulnerable at the time to NOW she has a crush on him???
She wouldn't have had sex with him if their was no attraction at some level.
The trust is now shattered and it can't fully be restored. Right now you don't think that but trust me you will have times when you will doubt her and it will damage the relationship.
You are basically telling her its OK to cheat. And it shouldn't be. What was the consequences of her cheating on you? NOTHING.
And the next time your relationship runs into a rough patch what will she do?
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Old 16th December 2017, 1:30 PM   #28
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Update* she has moved out to her parents house and talked with him

we are together but when she was there she missed me now i sense she feels sad about what happened

(I can relate somewhat because I have also had a crush in the past but never went through, it took time for it to come back) I told her if she doesn't want to then she didn't need to but told me she chose me

do i keep working on this and build it back up again?

Last edited by baro; 16th December 2017 at 1:33 PM..
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:09 PM   #29
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Quit being a fool for punishment.

You can't fix anything. She'd have to go that but you've shown her how she can treat you.

You'd be much better of fixing yourself
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Old 16th December 2017, 2:33 PM   #30
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Quit being a fool for punishment.

You can't fix anything. She'd have to go that but you've shown her how she can treat you.

You'd be much better of fixing yourself
I am working on myself...

She has shown signs by moving out and telling him that she wants to be with me and has spent time with me. She feels really guilty about what happened and what she did to me.

That guilt is what seems to be eating her up and there is nothing I can do about that. What is the correct action to take?

stating facts for what I have seen

Before she told me this whole situation, we were talking about our relationship and one thing she pointed out was "she wanted me to make her fall in love with me again" so we started on some adventures together and she missed me but after she moved she was sad

Last edited by baro; 16th December 2017 at 2:47 PM..
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