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7 Years...now he's back


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 29th December 2017, 6:40 PM   #16
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2nd chances can work depending on the circumstances and the history. Unfortunately I don't think the history or the circumstances surrounding this relationship are very good.

First of all the history is that he originally chose another woman over you. Doesn't matter that she was his ex. He wasn't married to her, he had no obligations to her. He weighed his options and decided that he wanted her more than he wanted you. There should be no second chance after that.

Then the circumstances. He is in the middle of a divorce and he is long distance. People going through divorce are bad relationship material. They will latch onto someone else in a heartbeat and declare it true love. They probably even believe that's love but they are actually in no emotional state to know what it is. They have so many feelings to sort out and often times after they start to feel better they decide that they don't really want another serious relationship. If he's between the ages of about 35-50 and even somewhat good looking and successful he is going to be very desirable to women in his age group. There is going to be a strong possibility that he will want to play the field a bit before he settles down again. Why do you know the details of his divorce and about what his ex is doing? He shouldn't be sharing that with you. A new relationship shouldn't start out by listening to one person's divorce and ex woes. That's not healthy. I fear that he is using you and an emotional crutch. Not maliciously but selfishly.

And the distance. What is the end game? When he's done grieving his marriage (which can take a year or two) he is not going to want to continue a long distance relationship (or then again he might as it will free him up to play around) so how do you bridge that gap. Are you going to move to him? Doesn't sound right for him to move to you because he has a child he has to parent. I say you need to tread very lightly and remain realistic.
Thank you for responding. I know, you're right, he chose her over me, two months into our thing, he chose her. I stuck around like a fool until he actually moved to her. I guess I thought he would change is mind, but when he didn't, I refused to be the other woman. Right now, I feel like I am right back where I was 7 years ago, and right now, it hurts. Our relationship was plagued with highs and lows and barely any middles. I'm too old for this crap. I just want something normal.

I'm sure you're right about the "wanting to play the field" after his divorce is finished. What guy wouldn't? And he is using me as an emotional crutch. I'm foolish enough to believe that it actually means something.
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:46 PM   #17
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Seriously? He has the audacity to tell you that you left him? After he chose another woman over you? and he makes this ridiculous accusation as a way to say he doesn't really trust you? LOLOLOLLOLOL...OH MY, so funny. The nerve of him! And you also seem to agree with this absurdity. Of course you cut him off after he went back to his ex. That's what any normal healthy woman would do. Married or committed men have no business staying in contact with their ex squeezes. It's disgusting and selfish that he was still trying to hold on to you after he chose to go back to his ex. That he is accusing you of leaving him is outrageous and it really gives you a window into his self entitled mind. I'm beginning to see why his marriage failed.

He constantly brings up that you left him? After he chose another? Good grief. HE LEFT YOU!! Make no mistake about that. HE CHOSE another woman over YOU. How dare he accuse you of leaving him. You are blinded by love or neediness or something if you don't see what is seriously wrong with his perception.
I guess in his current emotional state, I do feel bad about cutting it off back then, I don't really know why. I have NEVER felt like this for anyone and I have NEVER gone back to someone with a history like ours. I couldn't tell you why HE is different. I'm blinded by something for sure. My family knows that we are back together after they knew what happened 7 years ago and none of them have said anything like this. Thank you for putting things into a different perspective. I will certainly be re-reading it.
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:55 PM   #18
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Thank you for responding. I know, you're right, he chose her over me, two months into our thing, he chose her. I stuck around like a fool until he actually moved to her. I guess I thought he would change is mind, but when he didn't, I refused to be the other woman. Right now, I feel like I am right back where I was 7 years ago, and right now, it hurts. Our relationship was plagued with highs and lows and barely any middles. I'm too old for this crap. I just want something normal.

I'm sure you're right about the "wanting to play the field" after his divorce is finished. What guy wouldn't? And he is using me as an emotional crutch. I'm foolish enough to believe that it actually means something.
It's these highs and lows that got you hooked and that make it hard to walk away. Healthy relationships shouldn't be plagued with constant highs and lows. When this happens it feels like passion. After a low a high comes and it feels soooo good, it's almost euphoric and it's addicting. Your brain actually becomes dependent on those highs. You will stick around for the most hellish lows just to get that hit of happiness and joy when a high comes. It's not new, it's what keeps people hanging onto unhappy dysfunctional relationships. I've experienced and so have millions of others.
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:18 PM   #19
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It's these highs and lows that got you hooked and that make it hard to walk away. Healthy relationships shouldn't be plagued with constant highs and lows. When this happens it feels like passion. After a low a high comes and it feels soooo good, it's almost euphoric and it's addicting. Your brain actually becomes dependent on those highs. You will stick around for the most hellish lows just to get that hit of happiness and joy when a high comes. It's not new, it's what keeps people hanging onto unhappy dysfunctional relationships. I've experienced and so have millions of others.
I'm sure it is the highs and lows that have me hooked. I took a long break from dating after him. I thought I was ready to try again, but I'm right back to where I was. I'm feeling very emotional today and I couldn't tell you what was different. It's been the same thing since we got back in touch in August.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:41 PM   #20
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I have to agree that the long distance and the fact that he isn't divorced are two really big red flags. I've seen way too many threads on this board where those two reasons were why it didn't end well. As a general rule, stay away from people who are separated. They tend to be emotionally unavailable and really wishy washy about that they want.
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Old 6th January 2018, 11:40 AM   #21
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I have to agree that the long distance and the fact that he isn't divorced are two really big red flags. I've seen way too many threads on this board where those two reasons were why it didn't end well. As a general rule, stay away from people who are separated. They tend to be emotionally unavailable and really wishy washy about that they want.
I can see that wishy/washy hot/cold thing in him completely. I can't help it that I want to be with him. I've wanted to be with him for 8 years. I hate that I STILL feel this way. My heart and my head are at odds with each other here and I don't know what to do. If he were to ask me to move to him I would in a heartbeat, that's the sad thing. He doesn't know that how I feel though. I saw him around Christmas but I did not see him New Years. I have not been initiating contact with him since New Years. He has reached out once since New Years. I can't get over the affectionate part before I left him. He's never that affectionate. Was is too much for him? Last Thursday he found out something major in his divorce, something that really upset him. I know he felt betrayed and he reached out to me then and was very upset about it. I haven't really talked to him at length since then, just a few texts here and there. Could this be why he's pulled away yet again? I'm trying to be patient here but I'm not sure how this can continue. I don't know where I stand in his life.
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Old 6th January 2018, 10:29 PM   #22
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I can see that wishy/washy hot/cold thing in him completely. I can't help it that I want to be with him. I've wanted to be with him for 8 years. I hate that I STILL feel this way. My heart and my head are at odds with each other here and I don't know what to do. If he were to ask me to move to him I would in a heartbeat, that's the sad thing. He doesn't know that how I feel though. I saw him around Christmas but I did not see him New Years. I have not been initiating contact with him since New Years. He has reached out once since New Years. I can't get over the affectionate part before I left him. He's never that affectionate. Was is too much for him? Last Thursday he found out something major in his divorce, something that really upset him. I know he felt betrayed and he reached out to me then and was very upset about it. I haven't really talked to him at length since then, just a few texts here and there. Could this be why he's pulled away yet again? I'm trying to be patient here but I'm not sure how this can continue. I don't know where I stand in his life.
He's wishy washy because he's going through a divorce and not in a stable place emotionally. I get the feeling that he's using you as an emotional crutch during his divorce. I don't think it's malicious or plotted out but just the natural outcome in the circumstances. I think you should ask yourself what exactly you're getting from this in relation to what you're giving.
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Old 6th January 2018, 10:37 PM   #23
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He's wishy washy because he's going through a divorce and not in a stable place emotionally. I get the feeling that he's using you as an emotional crutch during his divorce. I don't think it's malicious or plotted out but just the natural outcome in the circumstances. I think you should ask yourself what exactly you're getting from this in relation to what you're giving.
I agree.
He was in a bad place with his divorce and good old Samantha came along at the right time to "save" him.
A drowning man will clutch at any proffered arm.

Why IS he getting a divorce and why is it so "nasty"?
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:32 PM   #24
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He's wishy washy because he's going through a divorce and not in a stable place emotionally. I get the feeling that he's using you as an emotional crutch during his divorce. I don't think it's malicious or plotted out but just the natural outcome in the circumstances. I think you should ask yourself what exactly you're getting from this in relation to what you're giving.
I have been asking myself exactly what I am getting out of this. I know I've given too much. That's always been my nature: being a giver. I think I need to step back and stay away from him for a while. At least until it's finished.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:35 PM   #25
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I agree.
He was in a bad place with his divorce and good old Samantha came along at the right time to "save" him.
A drowning man will clutch at any proffered arm.

Why IS he getting a divorce and why is it so "nasty"?
I would never be there to "save" him. He has to save himself and I know that. That's why I've told him that I don't want to know the details of his divorce.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:49 PM   #26
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I would never be there to "save" him. He has to save himself and I know that. That's why I've told him that I don't want to know the details of his divorce.
But, you have attempted to "save" him, whether it was intended or not. Your very presence has given him a "soft place to fall," to ease the pain and lonliness of his divorce. Let's not pretend any different...

Last edited by BaileyB; 7th January 2018 at 12:58 PM..
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:40 PM   #27
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But, you have attempted to "save" him, whether it was intended or not. Your very presence has given him a "soft place to fall," to ease the pain and lonliness of his divorce. Let's not pretend any different...
Then maybe I need to remove myself as his "soft place to fall." I don't want to do that in a way that makes him think I don't want to be with him anymore though. I still care a lot for this man and I want to do what's best for us both.
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:43 PM   #28
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I would never be there to "save" him. He has to save himself and I know that. That's why I've told him that I don't want to know the details of his divorce.
OK, but you are putting your head in the sand.
You may not need to hear about every single argument and raised word but you surely need to know exactly why they are divorcing if you plan on sticking around.
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:50 PM   #29
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Then maybe I need to remove myself as his "soft place to fall." I don't want to do that in a way that makes him think I don't want to be with him anymore though. I still care a lot for this man and I want to do what's best for us both.
I'm not sure what to say. To each their own... you have every intention of waiting around for this married man, enduring the ups and down of his divorce and his depression, waiting with the hope that he will pick you this time over his wife and children... that is certainly your choice. It wouldn't be mine.

IF, I wanted a relationship with this man which I would not (because of the fact that he chose to be with another woman all those years ago), I would tell him to get his life together and be sure that his kids are settled after the divorce. He could then contact me if he was still interested a year or so after his divorce was final and I would decide then if this relationship was something I would want to pursue. I don't think you are prepared to do that though.

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Old 8th January 2018, 11:31 AM   #30
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I have been asking myself exactly what I am getting out of this. I know I've given too much. That's always been my nature: being a giver. I think I need to step back and stay away from him for a while. At least until it's finished.
I think you're hoping you'll get something in return (a relationship with him). So you are giving more than you're getting as a gamble to see if it pays off. It's a rough landing if it doesn't work.
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