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what i feel for my ex ex


penelopeanne

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penelopeanne

my most recent 2 year relationship ended 5 months ago.

clearly we weren't a good match and the abandonment has been hard for me and dealing with his immaturity.

before him i was in a 4.5 year relationship with someone i am very compatible with and still love dearly.

we started that relationship slowly and built a beautiful friendship we still have.

even through my last relationship we would occasionally check in, met up a couple times for coffee.

he is a kind and caring person.

we grew apart in the romantic sense and his drinking issue played a big part.

we were the best of friends but towards the end we were mostly living together as such.

it was tough, i wanted it to work, i longed for it to.

i felt a lot of resentment and that was tough.

he got sober while we were together but we still remained stuck.

we mutually decided to live apart and then ended the relationship. with some hesitation, very bittersweet.

since then he has done a lot of self work and is in a healthy place.

sober 4 years, works out a lot.

we have very open and honest conversations.

he was supportive to me when i was going through cancer stuff last year, always reaching out.

he cares about me deeply, i do the same.

we had coffee yesterday and i am left feeling like i want to say some things to him, but dont want to make things weird.

having just gone through some rejection, im scared.

i know i am still healing from this last break up, still a bit raw.

i feel a lot for my ex ex.....

about 2 years ago he talked to me when we ran into eachother, kind of his own atonement, for not being his best when we were together, he was sorry.

he felt a bit resentful i seemed to move on so quickly (i started dating recent ex about 5 months after our breakup, unexpected, wasnt really looking but really wanted some physical connection, which ex ex and i lacked, sexually)

so i wanted to fill that void.

but recent relationship lacked the realness, the deep freindship and being open and honest. it lacked that connection.

now i feel torn, i must keep doing my work.

but i sometimes want to say some things to him, and maybe i want to see if he ever wants to do something besides meet for coffee.

but i am so scared.

any thoughts?

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There's a lot going on here, and you may want to try to unpack it before you talk to him about it. Here are some of the factors that give me pause:

 

1. He is a recovering alcoholic who got sober while you were dating

2. Sexual chemistry isn't high

3. You're still recovering from your last breakup

 

#1 seems like the biggest question mark. You can't go back to your old dynamic, which didn't work, but doubly so because you don't want there to be any triggers for him of the time he wasn't sober. It sounds like he's doing great in his ongoing recovery, and people can change so he may have defeated the bulk of his demons -- plus, it only makes sense to pursue a relationship with him if it was different and better this time around. But it's still a potential challenge to think about and be honest with yourself about. Ask yourself, do you get along better now because he has fully changed in regards to this issue, so maybe it can work again? Or do you get along better now because you are more compatible as friends?

 

The second one could potentially be better for you now that you're in a different place in life, but you don't know how he feels about it. On your end, this could be okay if your priorities have shifted in the time you've been apart. Have you really changed since your last relationship, in regards to you now place more value on the non-physical parts of a relationship? Because you can't assume the sexual chemistry will be improved if you revisit. It will probably be good right at the beginning if you got back together, when everything is kind of new and exciting again. But if it wasn't incredible for four years, you can't assume it will change too much. Maybe you can communicate better about it now and see some improvements, but for now just assume it will be similar to before. Is the non-physical part of a relationship now important enough for you that you won't get resentful over time about the physical chemistry? What if you end up like roommates again? Will that be enough for you?

 

The third thing is easiest to tackle because that is solely about you and totally unrelated to your ex ex. How much of your current feelings are about him versus about being lonely and feeling abandoned?

 

I'm not trying to give an opinion on if it's a good idea or a bad idea, just the pieces you may want to sort through before you talk to him. It is a risk because if anyone goes back to an ex, they should be really sure about the decision and see long-term potential, or else what's the point? I personally have significantly shifted my opinion on where physical compatibility sits in my life priority list in the last year and a half, so I don't think any of the items I listed above are insurmountable. You just need to make sure you're being really honest with yourself about all of them.

 

Lastly, is he single? But I hope you've already considered that one :)

 

If you decide you are sure you want to be all in with him, then you should talk to him. You should be honest, and you should share with him why you want to try again. Maybe how you felt when he was helping you through your illness, that you value his kindness and dedication. Maybe how your experiences the last few years have proven to you over and over that your connection with him is what you want with a partner. Ways in which you've both changed that would make things different this time, that you love him, and what you're looking for now and why you think he's the one to find it with.

 

Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need and that things work out in a positive way if you choose to share your feelings with him!

 

-J

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penelopeanne

@SpecialJ thank you so much for writing such a thoughtful and insightful post.

i think i wasn't clear in my initial post about what i want to talk to him about.....

not necessarily about giving a relationship another go, more about unsaid things regarding the end of our time together as a couple, the place i was in and things that i felt- he opened up to me about it, but i feel like i didnt get to.

i was kind of lost in this new world with a new person.

or do i let let bygones be bygones and see what comes of it, as we continue having each other in our lives.

 

i am not ready to commit to anything yet, and yes, i am still recovering from the last break up. i am not used to being single and need this time for me.

i am lonely sometimes, but i am embracing this time for me.

but i am curious if the former ex and i could be compatible and different after all this time and the work we have done.

did i mention i also got sober during our relationship? (early on)

i know his drinking caused a lot of our issues and he was not in a great place within himself. he has done a bunch of self work but i agree that it is tricky.

we always got along ok, we were pretty stuck when we were living together and he was struggling with new sobriety and being sort of shut off.

i got into resentfulness and so the chemistry was off.

i feel a physical spark when i see him but i wonder if it is the same for him.

if that part of him has changed, i don't know.

he has dated a little since we split but not involved in a committed relationship like i was.

again, i am not fully healed from this last break up so i know i need some time.

 

lacking the sexual part of our relationship was tough at the time and i think that is what i was seeking out after we broke up.

it is important to me, and i feel drawn to him.

we were always pretty affectionate and loving, despite not having sex much.

but again, not sure about how he feels.

don't want to push that part right now or make anything weird.

i value him as a friend and am grateful we were able to remain friends all this time.

it's crazy to think we never really had a no contact period.

we both sort of accepted that it was the change we needed.

maybe i didnt mourn the end enough but i was getting pretty used to us more as friends.

and i jumped right into a fling about a month after our breakup, which was sexually charged.

then i got into this last relationship.

but this ex has always been close by, within reach.

somehow a part of my life. checking in (both of us)

remaining supportive. hanging out with similar groups but never together.

parallell lives.

meeting up occasionally and catching up.

always both very inquisitive with each other.

 

i have to try and sort out this: i feel abandoned by recent ex and this has brought up sooooooo many deep feelings, from childhood and on.

i guess i also felt a bit abandoned by ex ex since he sort of accepted the way things were and the change that needed to happen because he was stuck, we both were.

maybe it was our only option at the time.

so am i just overwhelmed by this abandonment and looking for comfort from it?

maybe.

i know the best thing would be to just continue my healing and self work and just let things happen naturally.

but each time i see him (i have about 3 times since late may)- i leave feeling like i want to express myself a bit more.

 

he has a lot of the qualities i want in a partner. he has been so loving to me, open and caring. he cares deeply for my family.

he and i both value clarity so much now. this i find appealing.

we are both artists and connect in that sense.

but we both have our demons and i guess that part is a bit of a question mark.

 

really appreciate being able to discuss this.

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If that's the case, I think you just need to be more sure of where you want the conversation to go before you have it. If you just want to share with him how you felt but in a bygones will be bygones and I really value you as a friend kind of way that is cathartic for you, I see no issue with that as long as it's a really casual conversation and not "we need to talk." If you are thinking of more down the road instead, then the conversation could open a can of worms you'll want to be ready for. Mostly you want to be clear about your intent so you don't confuse him and cause him to deal with feelings on his end that may not end up being relevant for you and could impact your friendship if the wrong message is communicated. Good luck, and congratulations on your sobriety!

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penelopeanne

thank you again. i know that i should be focusing on myself and my healing and embracing this being single thing.

i am terrified of being rejected if i even hinted to my former love that i have thoughts about him still.

i can't handle any sort of rejection while still recovering from abandonment from recent split.

i guess 5 months post break up isnt a long time and its crazy to think i got into this last relationship 5 months after the other break up.

maybe this is my witching time- where i start to crave something.

i can feel myself opening up a bit, not pining for recent ex and starting to feel even a teeny bit excited thinking about having a first kiss with someone at some point.

not there yet. but someday.

i just can't help but feel my heart drawn to the ex ex, and our compatibilty.

and my desire to be with him physically, which i know we lacked for the better half of our time together but so much of that had to do with his drinking.

i don't know if it could be different now with us both sober.

i have to try and stop the crazy thinking and wondering about it and turn the focus on me.

what is meant to happen will.

maybe someday i can make a bold move but probably now isnt the time.

and i fear he wouldnt want me now that i have had this other relationship.

is that crazy to think?

at least i know i can be honest with him and i just might sometime when we next meet, just to say some things for my own atonement.

thanks for listening.

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I wouldn't worry about him not wanting you because you were with someone else. If that's the case, he's not the right person for you anyway because that's a very possessive and immature attitude for someone to have (in my opinion, since you didn't leave him for another guy). But it's unlikely that that would be the only limiting factor here, especially since you two aren't really young. Plus, you'd both have to think of anything more than friendship as a brand new relationship for it to go anywhere, which should make what happened after the ex ex moot.

 

Regardless of all that, I agree that focusing on yourself is the right move. It takes me forever to get past long relationship breakups, and five months isn't too much if you're not feeling ready. It took me about eight months to be open enough to meeting someone else after my last year-long relationship. After five months, I was still wondering why I had no desire to seek out something new, but I was happier to be alone for a little while longer. I took the time I needed, and got myself into a better place before making any decisions. You'll know when you're feeling more stable and the time might be better to have a deep conversation with the ex ex. Don't be hasty, just focus on yourself.

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penelopeanne

such great advice. i know that focusing on myself is so important right now.

i am doing a lot of deep self work too in therapy and some spiritual outlets so i know that this is some precious time i have for myself.

i am trying to be accepting of it and break my ways of falling into some sort of relationship quickly.

there has always been some sort of fling even between the longer relationships.

 

when i feel a bit more grounded and have done some more work, maybe then i can explore some possibilities.

i am just starting to feel over the recent ex, at least in a way where it doesnt sting as much and i am really not drawn to him.

i am mostly just sad that it ended and so poorly (via email) and i am dealing with some self esteem issues and abandonment.

 

my ex ex is a wonderful person and i do believe he will always be a part of my life in some way or another.

who knows what is down the road for us, if anything, time will tell.

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