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"Are you sure about reconnecting?"


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Hi all,

 

Long story short:

 

Me and ex broke up in Feb 2016.

Reasons: my relational immaturity, pushing her away, LDR for a few months and a severy personality change I experienced due to some medication I was on. We were in a relationship for 2,5 years and despite my issues she absolutely worshipped for me the most time (not taking into account the last months of course).

 

She told me her feelings had changed but hoped we could work things out.

I begged her for a few weeks with a result that a 'break' became a 'breakup. I still continued pestering her and we went from 'it is best for now but let's see what happens' to 'we need to move on'

 

We tried friendship after some weeks of NC but I was not ready for that and tried to force things which again pushed er away. She told me that she did really want to reconnect at some point but that she jus felt forced at the moment. I decided to finally go NC after the summer of 2016. After 2 months of NC she reached out. Ever since, she has been reaching out again almost once a month and we chit chat for a little.

 

We still live in different countries (she: UK, me: Germany) and we almost made plans to meet up but then her dad got a heart attack and my grandmother died (2 months ago).

 

 

She reached out last week and asked me what my holiday plans were. I decided to ask her to meet up this summer. Her response.

 

"About meeting... I have thought about it and maybe it is not a good idea. I will be traveling soon and I feel it would be difficult because it is too early for me. I am sorry I am like this"

 

I have not really replied yet but I really want to ask her if she actually still has the desire to ever meet up again because if not, I feel it is probably best to cut ties completely. Should I tell her something like this?

 

I would really want to reconnect with her because till this day she is still the most amazing woman I have ever met and I hate how I have forced het to end things. She is not the type of person that plays games, manipulates or lies.

 

Thank you all!

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staggerlee71

Do not ask her if she really ever wants to meet up. This is the exact reason she is pushing you away. She will translate that question as pressure, and pressure is what is the problem

 

I realize it is hard to deal with this because you love her. But what she is communicating to you, is she does not feel she will feel be free enough in a relationship with you to come back. She is unsure, confused and knows what's best for her. she wants to stay away for now.

 

you wanting to know"if ever she will want" is a controlling behavior in you. you want a guarantee so you don't waste your time. not going to happen.

 

move on like she's never coming back. if and when she is ready, she will let you know.

 

the struggle is real!

 

good luck

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Do not ask her if she really ever wants to meet up. This is the exact reason she is pushing you away. She will translate that question as pressure, and pressure is what is the problem

 

I realize it is hard to deal with this because you love her. But what she is communicating to you, is she does not feel she will feel be free enough in a relationship with you to come back. She is unsure, confused and knows what's best for her. she wants to stay away for now.

 

you wanting to know"if ever she will want" is a controlling behavior in you. you want a guarantee so you don't waste your time. not going to happen.

 

move on like she's never coming back. if and when she is ready, she will let you know.

 

the struggle is real!

 

good luck

 

Thank you for your reply Staggerlee7 (Nick Cave ftw!)

 

Yes this was the answer I expected and did not want to hear maybe because I know it is the truth.

 

 

The problem is: my ex is not really the one to take initiative. Somewhere in March this year she told me she really wanted to come one day to the city where I currently live. Her asking me if I had plans for the summer, was for me kind of the second sign that she maybe was ready to finally meet up. Guess I was wrong, or maybe I asked her at a wrong moment.

 

Is there absolutely no other way for me to continue this topic with her? Communication has never been a problem for us.

 

I want to express to her that I don't want to preasure her into somethin and that she should do whatever feels good to her. But that if she no longer has the desire to meet up, or just said that for other reasons that I think breaking contact completely is probably best since we both apparantly have not moved on completely for the mess of the break up.

 

Thanks again for the reply.

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PS: I know that you should always love someone in a way they feel free... But should you also not set a boundary for ourselves?

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staggerlee71

you asked her to meet up this summer and she it was too soon. So she knows you are willing to meet.

 

you are translating what your hearing into mixed signals but she has been very clear.

 

So this is what happened. She reached out to about holiday plans. This was a feeler. At that moment, she was thinking, hmm, maybe. lets see what happens.

 

Then you come back and respond with a bullet out of the pressure chamber and ask if she wants to meet up this summer. 0-60 in 1 second. She probably wanted to chat for a bit, see how it made her feel, and then would have disappeared anyway because she is not sure about anything with you.

 

Let it go for now. she will find you if she wants. hell, my first girl from 30 years ago found me.

 

trust me. don't read into this. leave her alone. she will reach out again if she has second thoughts. you don't need to do anything.

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staggerlee71

you should set boundary.

 

Your boundary is if she wants to meet, go meet with her. anything else is just crap. this way you don't have to weed trough signals. The signal is, I want to see you for this reason. this very clear reason I am giving you.

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you asked her to meet up this summer and she it was too soon. So she knows you are willing to meet.

 

you are translating what your hearing into mixed signals but she has been very clear.

 

So this is what happened. She reached out to about holiday plans. This was a feeler. At that moment, she was thinking, hmm, maybe. lets see what happens.

 

Then you come back and respond with a bullet out of the pressure chamber and ask if she wants to meet up this summer. 0-60 in 1 second. She probably wanted to chat for a bit, see how it made her feel, and then would have disappeared anyway because she is not sure about anything with you.

 

Let it go for now. she will find you if she wants. hell, my first girl from 30 years ago found me.

 

trust me. don't read into this. leave her alone. she will reach out again if she has second thoughts. you don't need to do anything.

 

 

By the way, I had sent her a reply already that said: 'OK, you mean it would be emotionally difficult for you?'

 

I hopes this would kind of open her up a bit more about the topic. Maybe I should not have done that... Do you think this hurt my chances?

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you should set boundary.

 

Your boundary is if she wants to meet, go meet with her. anything else is just crap. this way you don't have to weed trough signals. The signal is, I want to see you for this reason. this very clear reason I am giving you.

 

Not sure what you mean here. Sorry.

 

With setting a boundary I just want her to know somehow that if this monthly 'hey how are you' friendship is all it is going to be, that I am not interested in that (anymore)...

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staggerlee71

if your tired of the monthly thing. Tell her to only contact you when she wants to come back. Then never reply to any contact until that happens. She continue with nonsense but you have set a standard for your self that will clear up all other mixed messages.

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your probing. More pressure.

 

Hmm I did not think my question was that pushy, is it?

 

The problem is that I think I could not completely move on, just leaving it like this... Knowing that she might still be interested in reconnecting but that she is on the fence.

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ExpatInItaly
Hmm I did not think my question was that pushy, is it?

 

The problem is that I think I could not completely move on, just leaving it like this... Knowing that she might still be interested in reconnecting but that she is on the fence.

 

I don't think she is on the fence.

 

As a woman, what I interpreted from her response was that she doesn't have a problem being friendly with you but she's not really interested in getting back together. I read her reply as trying to let you down gently.

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I don't think she is on the fence.

 

As a woman, what I interpreted from her response was that she doesn't have a problem being friendly with you but she's not really interested in getting back together. I read her reply as trying to let you down gently.

 

Yes I am aware that at the moment she is not interested in actually getting back together.

 

The only thing that where I wonder about is if she is ok with the situation now (probably) or that she maybe would be interested in reconnecting. Note: for me reconnecting is not the same as getting back together.

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I'm sorry but her reply to you is a clear indicator she does not want to meet up. I think it is best you move on and not hanker after her any more. I know it hurts but you've got to know when to cut your losses. She is a lost cause.

 

There will be a girl, who is probably a lot nearer to you, who would love to be with you. You need to take your focus off this distant one to enable you to find someone new.

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ExpatInItaly
Yes I am aware that at the moment she is not interested in actually getting back together.

 

The only thing that where I wonder about is if she is ok with the situation now (probably) or that she maybe would be interested in reconnecting. Note: for me reconnecting is not the same as getting back together.

 

What is your goal with her, then? To be friends?

 

In the end, the semantics don't matter. She doesn't want to meet up with you; that's all you need to know about her interest in reigniting anything beyond the low contact you're in now.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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What is your goal with her, then? To be friends?

 

In the end, the semantics don't matter. She doesn't want to meet up with you; that's all you need to know about her interest in reigniting anything beyond the low contact you're in now.

 

 

What I want with her is to reconnect. Just to see her once, to talk.

 

What I want to know from her is... Does also some sort of desire but does she just need more time?

 

Or is she ok, with this and does she never want to see me again...

 

The last few days have been very very hard...

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Another vague reply from her: it needs time.

 

 

I will be in her country in 3 months and she knows this (I will actually land in her city). Would it be too much to tell her something along the lines of 'I understand. So if I come to X in 3 months, I don't have to ask you?'

 

Again, I don't want to be be pushy but I still feel like she could be a bit more clear. In the past she has always been very clear in what she does and does not want.

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It's not vague at all. She says she needs time. You can't put a time frame on emotions. If you just stopped contacting her she may realize in 3 months that she misses you and wants to see you again or you never hear from her again. You've really done enough. You are pushing her. She knows how you feel. If SHE wants back she'll be the one now to let you know. I know it's not easy but start to move on with no hope now. If\ when they try to reconnect it is usually months down the road with NC and gives you both a chance to look at things more logically instead of emotion based.

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Everyone here is correct. Don't respond. IF she wants back she will let you know.

 

I know it's hard for you, and very selfish of her, but you just have to move on.

 

The hope will delay your healing. If you want to heal, proceed as if she is never coming back.

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Everyone here is correct. Don't respond. IF she wants back she will let you know.

 

I know it's hard for you, and very selfish of her, but you just have to move on.

 

The hope will delay your healing. If you want to heal, proceed as if she is never coming back.

 

I hate it so much ...

This all would not have happened of I had stayed away from that ****ing medication. I never got the chance to tell her this and yet this is the main reason why there now is this emotional wall between us...

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I wrote her a letter (have not sent this), what would you guys think if I would actually send her this. Changed the names.

 

 

Hey Jane,

I wanted to tell you something and I figured it would be a bit too long to write it on facebook.

I really had hoped that, at some point we could maybe reconnect a bit again after we both had moved on, and we both had built our separate lives. I had always thought that you wanted the same as well at some point.

 

If you don´t want that (anymore) then that is fine. I acknowledge that I might have given you reasons in the past to make you feel hesitant. I know I have pushed you away with certain behaviors before and after the break up. Whether it was my relational immaturity that hurt you, me not validating your insecurities when we were still together, or me not listening to you after we broke up and giving you the space you needed.

 

Jane, I know it sounds like a lame excuse but I know that if I would not have gotten the hormonal issues that came with severe effects on my mental and physical health, I would have handled that situation very different……My mind felt hijacked at times and I made some decisions that were very unlike me. Of course moving to a new city where I constantly had to move for the first few months was also not helping… Not saying that things would have been different, but I do think there would not be such an emotional wall between us.

 

If not seeing each other anymore really is how you need things to be, then there is nothing I can do but accept that. But then staying in touch with each other is something that would probably not feel right to me anymore. I have no (and never will) have any hard feelings towards you but for me, it would feel demeaning as it would be indicative of which part of me you have remembered, especially since that is a part that I manage to leave in the past.

 

A lot has changed for me. It is sometimes hard to recognize myself in the same person I was 2 years ago. Whether it is regarding interests or just the general outlook on life… And that brings me to how I want to end this message…The Jack and Jane that lived together in CITY are no longer in each other´s life. I just think it would be a shame of the Jack of now, and the Jane I knew, would never meet.

Edited by Murmillo
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Okay, you saved this on your computer or if you wrote it on paper, just file it away out of site for a good month or so then you can re-read it and see how you feel. You never ever send a letter like this when you're in this emotional state. You will regret it 100% guaranteed. I know....I sent one to mine ( nothing like yours), but regret it more than anything else I did during and after the relationship.

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Okay, you saved this on your computer or if you wrote it on paper, just file it away out of site for a good month or so then you can re-read it and see how you feel. You never ever send a letter like this when you're in this emotional state. You will regret it 100% guaranteed. I know....I sent one to mine ( nothing like yours), but regret it more than anything else I did during and after the relationship.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I wrote the letter a few weeks ago so it is not really coming from an emotional place.

 

What do you guys think of the content?

 

My goal is to:

 

-Show her that I understand her position

- Tell her why I acted like I did around the BU, I never told her about my hormonal issues

- Show her I learned from my mistakes

- Find out if she actually wants to meet at some point but really just needs more time ; or she is just being nice

- Tell her that if she really has no desire to meet anymore that it best to go seperate ways completely

 

PS: what was your letter like?

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frigginlost
Thank you for your reply.

 

I wrote the letter a few weeks ago so it is not really coming from an emotional place.

 

What do you guys think of the content?

 

My goal is to:

 

-Show her that I understand her position

- Tell her why I acted like I did around the BU, I never told her about my hormonal issues

- Show her I learned from my mistakes

- Find out if she actually wants to meet at some point but really just needs more time ; or she is just being nice

- Tell her that if she really has no desire to meet anymore that it best to go seperate ways completely

 

PS: what was your letter like?

 

Do not send that letter. Ever.

 

The content of it, while soothing to you, will do nothing in her thoughts regarding you. I don't mean that to sound rude, but the very first paragraph sends alarm bells ringing. You have not moved on, and she knows that. Everything after the first paragraph means nothing. She will see the entire letter as clingy and you not "getting it".

 

Let her work through her own emotions and if she wants you part of her world, she will let you know. Until then, move on with your life and perhaps someone will walk into it when you least expect it...

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Agreed with frigginlost.

 

It's actually a well-written letter, but unfortunately, you're operating under the impression that there's an arrangement of words capable of changing her mind. There isn't.

 

Just know that while this is obviously a personal situation to you that feels unbelievably unique, many, many, many people have been down this road before. They have delivered monologues or written letters or emails using the same framework of your letter. And honestly, man, it just doesn't make much of a difference. Certainly not in the way the person delivering the message hopes.

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