Meeting ex for first time. Need game plan! [updated]

[Dehg]

Hello all,

 

These things are almost impossible to keep short, but I'll try my best. I had been with my now ex for just barely over a year before I broke up with her. I called it quits over my lingering thoughts of guilt over our religious differences. She is Christian and I am...well..not really anything. I don't not believe, but I don't believe either. It has never really been a priority for me. I did not mind that she was for a long time. She occasionally brought it up, giving joking yet serious reminders how marriage wouldn't ever work unless I became Christian as well.

 

During our first few months I occasionally went to church with her just to keep an open mind and show my tolerance. Honestly the discussion of religion didn't come up very often during our time together just to avoid discussions involving different opinions.

 

Other details about us were that we moved in together for about 3 months after being together for 6 months. Things got heated occasionally. That was the first time I've ever lived with a partner. About 4 months ago she moved a few states away to pursue a new career opportunity and be in a place she has long wanted to go to. The expectation and plan was for me to eventually move there as well when my military obligations soon expire.

 

I visited a few times over that few month period and on the last one I called things off almost as soon as I was picked up from the airport. That wasn't the plan of going out there, but a lot of drama had been happening with her family and I was getting some negative influence from my own close circle. This combination flooded me with thoughts of ending it and I figured being in person was the most decent thing I could do at the time.

 

I explained to her as me feeling guilty about the religious thing because I simply couldn't guarantee when, or if, I'd ever convert. I basically made a decision for her that realistically should've been hers to make. She was mostly calm and honestly it really threw me off. She even brought me to where I was going to stay during my visit. Things ended with a long hug and she said she loved me. Even asked for a kiss which I declined. I walked away with a tear on my face because I already realized I hated the choice I made.

 

After that I did all the things people tell you not to do. I texted long winded messages about how I made a decision that wasn't well thought out, promising change, etc etc. She of course wasn't very responsive and explained how her trust in me was forever damaged. Obviously I can understand that.

 

Fast forward to now. The longest I committed to no contact was for 3 days. It has only been 3 weeks and I cannot get over her properly. I feel like I ruined what was a perfectly fine relationship over something I wasn't even sure of or cared enough about to think it needed an immediate resolution. Her being far away of course limits a lot of what I can do as well. She will be visiting family here soon and wants to keep the dog we adopted together while she is in town, but I don't think that's a very good idea. At the same time me saying no is doing the opposite of winning her trust. I have hinted a few times how I want to make things right, and she hasn't flat out said never, but has basically said she is over it and I should get over it as well.

 

This break up was not over a terrible thing that either of us did. So I don't know if there's a different way to handle it. I want her back and I have never been very good with these things. For whatever it is worth, I am 25 and she is 28. What is best for this situation and best to do after what I have done since?

 

Thanks all!

[Ronni_W]

She is Christian and I am...well..not really anything. I don't not believe, but I don't believe either. <snip> I explained to her as me feeling guilty about the religious thing because I simply couldn't guarantee when, or if, I'd ever convert. I basically made a decision for her that realistically should've been hers to make.

No, you made a decision that WAS yours to make. You followed your 'gut instinct' or 'intuitive sense', and you didn't leave that up to anybody else; doing this is always going to be in your own best/highest interest.

 

If I could offer: if you are interested in perusing or studying religion/spirituality from a non-dogmatic, non-traditional perspective, then this site might hold interest for you: 'Falsified Christian Teachings'.

 

In Love and Light.

Ronni

[Dehg]

So here I am a month after me calling things off with my ex girlfriend. I cried my tears, grieved like I lost a family member, etc etc. I feel calm now. Full of clarity and have a strong faith my life is going to be great with or without her.

 

However, even after this clarity set in and I started to think with reason more than emotion...I still want to make things right and get her back. Wanted to give this disclosure that I am no longer in a panic and not full of desperation to make hasty illogical moves.

 

Now about us...

 

I am 25. She is 28. We were together for just barely over a year. We were together for 6 months before we got an apartment and moved in together. Things were normal. No red flags. She eventually had an opportunity for her career pop up and it was in a place she had been wanting to move to. After living together for 3 months, she was getting packed up and getting ready to go. In the course of a month we were moving her a few states away to be in her new place.

 

It wasn't too bad. The distance wasn't ideal, but she was where she wanted to go and we had a plan for me to move out there after I am no longer tied to any military obligations. I was visiting on a monthly basis and the distance didn't seem to be causing any problems.

 

A month before I broke things off she went through some real awful family drama. It was ugly and I got involved more than I should have and allowed myself to get a head full of negative thoughts. That then made me think about a couple of other things I was concerned about. One being that she isn't as financially responsible as I would find ideal, and the other being that I am very young in my religious pursuits.

 

To expand on that. She is a very faithful Christian. I am basically one of those open minded people that just never had the time to pursue religion in a way that would develop it into a priority. So with the huge drama she was dealing with, and my other two concerns...I called things off in person the next time I flew out to see her.

 

I put the entire reasoning of breaking up on the religious differences and my not being able to promise I will be the religious guy she wants me to be. I realize now that that was a hasty decision just because I was feeling very stressed about us. She never made it that huge of a deal and I feel like I made a decision that wasn't even as important to me as it was to her. She took it relatively calmly and even drove me to where I was going to stay while I was out there. We hugged one last time and she told me she loved me.

 

Enter the grieving stage. I sit in my hotel for the night and day after wrapping my mind around what I just did. I texted her several long messages asking to meet up and how I would change. I know that was not a good move, but as we all know...emotion leads to some crazy stuff at times. For about a week following, I continued to try to express my regret of my decision. I snapped back into a groove after that week by starting my classes this semester and working out more than usual.

 

Since then I have initiated no contact twice. Both times lasting only a few days when she would text and ask how I am doing and if she could have the dog with her while she visits family this month. I respond back after a few hours and the conversation basically went nowhere each time.

 

Long story short, I destroyed her trust, she lives far, and I do not know how to reconcile and get her back. She is so trustworthy and has such a loving heart. Our humor is a perfect match. Among other things, I want her back, but I want to do it properly.

 

We often regret the chances we never take and I don't want to just give up on getting her back. With my now much calmer state...what do I do? How do I earn this trust back and reconcile with the added challenge of her being so far away?

[d0nnivain]

If you had valid reasons for breaking up & the things that drove you apart haven't been resolved, what are you going back to? Plus now there is the added difficulty of this being an LDR.

 

 

Going backwards doesn't seem like a good plan.

 

 

If you insist on trying, I'd start with apology flowers & then ask if you can go to her state to start showing her that you made a mistake & you're sorry.

[Dehg]

Back for more advice from what seems to be a very realistic community.

 

Because of where my situation is, hopefully I can keep this short.

 

I broke up with my ex girlfriend a bit over a month ago. We had quite a stressful time just prior and it caused me to be a bad person to her and allow negatives to influence how I felt. I flew out across the country on what was supposed to be a good visit, but instead called things off since I was out there in person.

 

Since then, we have both failed to implement full NC. Tons of couple and few day gaps that usually led to her reaching out about her flying out to visit family and wondering if she could have my dog with her during that time because she misses him.

 

Just a few days ago I mailed out a letter to her and was as selfless as I could be. I sympathized and identified the pain I put her through, the trust I broke, and amongst other things, how I took her for granted. I proposed an idea to possibly get on a road to reconciliation by stating we could hopefully call each other, she could make time during her visit home in a few days, and also the idea of seeing her when I fly out to where she is when I look at houses where she is. No I am not moving there to be close to her. I've wanted to move to where she is since long before I met her lol. I also provided some insight into how I was working on things that I know led to some of our stress while together.

 

She texted me to let me know she got my letter and told me she definitely needs to think it all out thoroughly. I agreed and said I understood and left it at that. She hasn't replied since. This was a couple of days ago.

 

I've accepted that the odds of winning her back are slim and I am in a calm state of mind. I know I can maintain composure and work with advice from you all.

 

My question is...I feel like I've developed the groundwork, but what do I do next? Do I attempt to call? Do I stay silent until she does this "thinking"? Do I send her flowers or some other follow up thing to demonstrate more "real" effort?

 

If you must, you can see my other posts for extra detail about us if you'd like.

 

Thanks!

[springy]

Do not send flowers or any other kind of gift. I think writing out and mailing a letter to her is plenty enough effort. I would give her at least a week before making a phone call. Whatever she says, honor her decision and leave it at that. It seems you have expressed to her several times that you want to get back together and she not responded positively. There is nothing else you can or should do if she declines this latest attempt at reconciliation.

 

The nonchalant way in which she handled the breakup makes me wonder if the drama and distance wasn't already causing a rift between the two of you that led her to start detaching even before you broke it off. I'm also not really clear how this was a breakup over religion when it sounds like she wasn't pushing it at all. You say she was deeply devoted to her faith, but she had no issue living with you outside of marriage, and I assume sex was involved as well - so I'd think she was pretty open minded herself.

 

Not sure what the family drama was, but it seems to me you were frustrated and used religion as the excuse for breaking it off. Whatever the case, you had real concerns about this relationship and most likely made the correct decision the first time around. You are just going through the motions of uncertainty that many people experience after a breakup. It will get better in time with a real commitment to no contact.

[Dehg]

Will try to stay short and sweet here. I'm in my mid 20s and she is in her late 20s. We had been together for just over a year before I ended things because I we were both very stressed out over external things. It caused a lot of negative thoughts and I applied it to us and broke things off under the guise of our religious differences to make it seem logical. (Or so I thought).

 

We live a few states away now. She moved for a job opportunity after being together for 9 months, and living together for 4. Flew out to see her knowing I would break things off and thought it was going to be okay. I was very wrong. The split went okay. We both tested up, she said she has been broken before and would be okay. She even drove me to where I was staying and said she loved me. I immediately regretted my decision and sent her a couple of messages. Went unanswered. To no surprise.

 

The first couple of weeks were a half attempt at NC. She initiated here and there. Mostly asking if she could have the dog we got together while she would be in town seeing family. About two weeks after that I mailed a letter expressing my understanding for how I destroyed her trust in me and basically just acknowledged my responsibility. She expressed that being together again needed to be thought long and hard about. I expressed understanding each time and left it at that. Fast forward to me driving the dog to her family's house before she came in to surprise her. After she flew out she sent me a message saying how appreciative she was and said that made her happy. Never saw her in person during her visit.

 

Here's where I lose me composure a bit and break some basically understood "rules" for getting back trust and attraction. I have now realized I genuinely love this girl. I left somebody who honestly loves unconditionally more than anybody I've ever been with. All over some stress veiled by some lame excuse of mine. I told her I was coming out to her city to look at houses. (Ironically this city is one I wanted to move to long before I met her). Thinking of her makes me realize I'm in a spot where I can make this move sooner to follow my dreams, and hopefully show I'm serious about being with her. So I ask if we could meet up when I'm out there (in just a couple of days). She said we could do that.

 

Okay so here's where it gets more ugly. A few days ago I confirmed that the day we will meet up is okay with her still. She said it was. I told her I was surprised (that she wants to meet). She asked "Why?" And I said because I didn't know where her head was at. She hits me with that she's thinking she doesn't really see us together in the future. So, while hurt, I told her thank you for being honest and that I sensed something changed. She said it allchanged when I left her. So she then hits me with the "still wants to be friends" thing and I said I still want to see her because I still want to change what I did. Basically ends with her asking what she is supposed to say. That she doesn't know, and "It's complicated and her heart isn't ready yet" I just said I understand and then nothing the last couple of days.

 

I am not about to get locked in the friend zone. I see her in a couple of days and I consider this my first and last impression to show how much I care and that I have worked on the things I based the break up on (my faith. Just became more active with it) and that I want to be the person I've been afraid to be with her. Because I live far away, I think this might be my last chance to really start turning her mind in the other direction. I plan on moving out the her city in the next few months. Maybe that should be mentioned too? Honestly I need a gameplan. This is going to be my real, genuine effort before I think I have to start trying to move on for the sake of realizing my efforts aren't yielding results. I know it's young in our break up, but time doesn't move slower.

 

For what it's worth, we are friends on Facebook, and other than same guys always liking stuff, I don't notice any signs of new relationships.

 

Thank you, all!

[springy]

I think this is a bad idea. Be prepared for her to cancel and/or hold to what she said about not wanting a relationship with you. I sense your frustration with being friend zoned, but you kind of are asking for it - she has been pretty steady with nc from the sounds of it (not in any way leading you on) and you are the one asking to meet up. I think her saying let's be friends is more-so trying to get through to you that she doesn't want a romantic relationship than actually meaning she truly wants a friendship.

 

As for a gameplan - be yourself. Anything else will just look artificial and forced (and perhaps desperate). Again, I think it is too soon. Her heart is not open and you are likely going to be disappointed with the outcome IF she even follows through with meeting up. Sorry. Hopefully someone else will chime in with a less bleak outlook than what I've given you.

 

So she never actually responded to your letter? I think you are wasting time and money on this trip and I hope that if you do end up moving, you truly are moving for yourself, and not as an attempt to get back with her.

[Dehg]

I hear you. Pretty disappointing to hear. I wish I didn't always have to know every stone has been unturned to get the closure I seek. She did respond to my letter. In a text that said "I got your letter today. It is something I really need to think long and hard about." She has said that it requires more thinking a few times now and that she "just doesn't know right now". I'm not so naive that I don't see that me asking is making it any better, but sadly for me I feel like that just isn't definite enough.

 

I do really think the meet up will happen, I'll be myself, but at the same time I will establish what my end goal is and that being a perpetual friend is just not healthy for me. Either way, I plan on leaving either hearing what this "just don't know" really means, or I will hear something bad that drives the closure to a point in my head. Being stubborn and overly analytical definitely doesn't bode well in these types of situations..

[springy]

Do what you need to do (reasonably of course) to get to the point of letting go. Since you did break up with her, the onus is on you to explain the reasons why and how you *know* it won't happen again...but really it sounds like she's not interested in going down that road again, and that is difficult, if not impossible, to change. Don't beg or plead or make your visit all about trying to convince her to get back together. Remember that she didn't break up with you because she didn't like who you were as a person, so no need to behave differently. Be casual, enjoy the visit. Make other plans to fill your visit with, so you aren't focused on her all weekend. Good luck and please update.

[Dehg]

Thanks for the extra insight. Today I reached out to her to see what area of the city she is living in now since she moved recently. She replied back and I said thanks and I'll see her soon. She asked what we were doing and I just offered up grabbing a drink somewhere close. Nothing after that.

 

I guess I plan on keeping it a catch up and friendly thing for a while and when the time seems most preferable, I think I am honestly going to just express my willingness to try again and explain how I've been focusing on what I could do to alleviate my concerns from before. Going to just attempt to do it in the most calm and confident manner I can and go from there. She is the type who wear her heart on her sleeve and is a very heart over mind type thinker. So assuming any feelings exist for me, I feel like I will get a much clearer picture as to what she is thinking. I know chances for success are low. Very low. If it goes badly...well, at least I'll have the closure I seem to do badly want.

 

Should be an interesting time.. I wish I was able to get more opinions. I think it would've helped if my previous threads weren't attached to this most recent one.

[EZNona]

Thanks for the extra insight. Today I reached out to her to see what area of the city she is living in now since she moved recently. She replied back and I said thanks and I'll see her soon. She asked what we were doing and I just offered up grabbing a drink somewhere close. Nothing after that.

 

I guess I plan on keeping it a catch up and friendly thing for a while and when the time seems most preferable, I think I am honestly going to just express my willingness to try again and explain how I've been focusing on what I could do to alleviate my concerns from before. Going to just attempt to do it in the most calm and confident manner I can and go from there. She is the type who wear her heart on her sleeve and is a very heart over mind type thinker. So assuming any feelings exist for me, I feel like I will get a much clearer picture as to what she is thinking. I know chances for success are low. Very low. If it goes badly...well, at least I'll have the closure I seem to do badly want.

 

Should be an interesting time.. I wish I was able to get more opinions. I think it would've helped if my previous threads weren't attached to this most recent one.

 

Well, I hate to say this, but so far it doesn't look good. So, if I were you, I would expect the worst, but hope for the best.

 

It's as if a light switch went off when you broke up with her and it's possible because of the way you did it. It seemed to come out of the blue and for you to fly out there to only break up with her right anyway was low form on your part. And you rejected her goodbye kiss. That is heartbreaking and humiliating for a person to go through. I'm sure that had an effect on her. Also, she has started to build a new life in her new city and that might have made it easier for her to move on.

 

All I can say is, when you meet up with her, make sure you look and smell dam good because you're going to need a lot of help!! Also, depending on how she is acting once you get there, you might want to bump it up to a nice dinner instead of drinks. You want to prove to her that she's special...well act like it when you get there!

 

Just keep in mind that women will generally go back to a man they are in love with...and for a woman to say no to a former lover, that means it's a decision she's thought long and hard about and it's usually a final one. But I'm praying for you that if this relationship is meant to be, it'll work out for you both!

 

Good luck to you!!!

[Dehg]

You all were very right. You cannot change how a person feels. We had normal discussion for a while and it was positive and fun. It switched over to being about us and I put my heart out there in full. Long story short is that she said her heart does not want me and that she just does not feel like the trust is there to try again.

 

I just very thoroughly explained how I planned on being the guy she needs to be happy, but she had no budge. I explained how being friends isn't a healthy option for me. After driving away, I texted her thanking her for her honesty and that I would never want to force her feelings to change. I also said how I was just disappointed that she said we aren't possible.

 

She replied back that she said she knows I'm very caring and that she really wishes there could be friendship. She also said that she only said it wasn't possible as of right now...do I treat this as a breadcrumb? She is somebody who I really think wouldn't say something if she didn't mean it, but of course I'd be naive to not at least consider it to be a breadcrumb.

 

I still think she's the one for me. I've never considered going through anywhere near the effort for anybody else in my past. I know you all will think that I need to completely forget about her, and I get it. I still would like advice on what I can do further assuming she really does mean her feeling could change. Do I be her "friend"? Do I go completely NC? I know I'm not going to do anything drastic..I'm collected and trying to stay calm. However, that doesn't mean I want to give up on the objective of winning her trust and love back.

 

Thanks again all.

[springy]

Yes, treat it as a breadcrumb. Yes - go full NC. No to friendship. I don't know why people say that after breaking up, but you should know it's very common and rarely amounts to anything (both the 'friendship' and 'for now' phrase). My ex said it too; I'm sure about 50 others could chime in and say they were told the same thing. It's like an instinct or something that 'they' throw that out there. He also wasn't the type to just say stuff...or so I thought.

 

Not trying to rain on your parade, but realistically speaking the healthiest thing for you to do is treat this as over and done with, stop hanging on to her, and begin the process of moving on.

[Dehg]

I will commit to NC. All I accomplished by going out to see were was essentially just letting myself get heart broken. She most recently brought up that she is surprised how I think we could work considering how unhealthy we were together. Clearly she is very set in that mindset. I'm becoming aware that my desire to always have a solution is just not practical.

 

She definitely knows how I feel about her from this meetup. That's about all I gained from this. Should her mind change, I'll let her be the one to initiate. I blocked her on Facebook and deleted her number. I don't know what I'll set my respond criteria too, but she would have to really really make it sound like she knows she wants to try again.

 

As the dumper I thought this would've been easy lol. I guess it was a rather unique split since it was done out of stress and minimal thinking. The past is the past and I think it is about time to learn to leave well enough alone.

 

Here's to healing....after 2 months of stringing my own self along.

[Sweetfish]

 

I just very thoroughly explained how I planned on being the guy she needs to be happy, but she had no budge.

 

 

I really doubt you will find any women who will be ok with this statement.

 

So in a nut shell you literally said... here are my strings and if there is something you don't like...tug and I will respond.

 

NO women will respect this statement... I think you need to ponder this statement.

 

I explained how being friends isn't a healthy option for me.

 

so the next line you express actually compounds the first statement... it literally says.. I have no self control. You have systematically put the weight of the whole relationship on her shoulders and gave her the controls. Its no wonder she rejected this.

 

A women likes a man to take control..have a plan, or take initiative.

 

After driving away, I texted her thanking her for her honesty and that I would never want to force her feelings to change.

 

The first statement you made was a passive or indirect way of forcing her to reconcile with you by giving her complete access to your man hood.

 

The second statement was a passive ultimatum. Its like telling a kid of you don't finish your dinner you can't have desert.

 

 

I also said how I was just disappointed that she said we aren't possible.

 

In a relationship I tend to avoid this word... This is my personal rule..but using the word disappointment is almost close to calling someone a failure without saying they are a failure. Can you imagine if your boss told you he was disappointed in your performance.. Now your telling your ex she was a disappointment...

 

Im not trying to be harsh...im just expressing how I feel you may think you were taking the proper steps to reconcile and they weren't.

 

he knows I'm very caring and that she really wishes there could be friendship. She also said that she only said it wasn't possible as of right now.

 

It means another player is in the mix and it isn't worth her time to fix whats broken. It means she is chasing or playing the field and maybe she might have feelings for you in the future... and keeping you in the wine cellar.

[Dehg]

Definitely don't mind the dose of reality. I guess the way I wrap that up is by saying I felt I had no upper hand to begin with, and her being the type that has a big heart and wants somebody who cares way more than I consider average, I went for broke by spilling myself. Trust me that I felt weak after saying things like that to her too. I'm not sure what I expect out of what I did. With her living far away, I wasn't really sure what to do.

 

Sounds like you're saying I destroyed my chance beyond repair. I didn't honestly know what to do.

[springy]

Definitely don't mind the dose of reality. I guess the way I wrap that up is by saying I felt I had no upper hand to begin with, and her being the type that has a big heart and wants somebody who cares way more than I consider average, I went for broke by spilling myself. Trust me that I felt weak after saying things like that to her too. I'm not sure what I expect out of what I did. With her living far away, I wasn't really sure what to do.

 

Sounds like you're saying I destroyed my chance beyond repair. I didn't honestly know what to do.

 

That wasn't a 'make or break' visit in my opinion. I honestly think this was done when the breakup occurred. No need to feel any worse than you already do, nothing you said would have changed the outcome IMO. Her mind was made up weeks ago. That is why I discouraged the visit. What else did you do while you were there? This was just a one day trip to fly out to see her? You didn't look for places to live?

[Dehg]

That's a good point. I put some additional pressure on myself thinking I could work some sort of magic to make things work. Which is incredibly wrong of course. It was also very right that doing this two months after was not a good idea since there's just no way she was receptive. All I can say is that there was no animosity between us and everything was spoken about in a manner that shows mutual caring, just not mutual feelings of readiness of exploring another chance.

 

I'm sorry if I'm giving off a vibe that says my life is centered on this...I looked at places lol and am still doing that. I also work full time in a great career, go to school full time, and also serve in military in a reserve capacity..so my life isn't all based on this. However, the difference with her is that it feels right to want her back. Compared to other exs, I've put in infinitely more effort wanting this one back. Just feels different I guess. Perhaps because she is special or maybe because I ended it when I still had feelings.

[Sweetfish]

That's a good point. I put some additional pressure on myself thinking I could work some sort of magic to make things work. Which is incredibly wrong of course. It was also very right that doing this two months after was not a good idea since there's just no way she was receptive. All I can say is that there was no animosity between us and everything was spoken about in a manner that shows mutual caring, just not mutual feelings of readiness of exploring another chance.

 

I'm sorry if I'm giving off a vibe that says my life is centered on this...I looked at places lol and am still doing that. I also work full time in a great career, go to school full time, and also serve in military in a reserve capacity..so my life isn't all based on this. However, the difference with her is that it feels right to want her back. Compared to other exs, I've put in infinitely more effort wanting this one back. Just feels different I guess. Perhaps because she is special or maybe because I ended it when I still had feelings.

 

No...the statement I made wasnt intended to make you feel bad or worse.... but to see where you totally submitted your self. No one is going to respect that and women rarely respond well to a man pouring his heart-out. Im not saying it doesnt happen.. What the one percent?

 

You saying you will be the man she needs... puts pressure on her... she will feel like she is a burden on you. Dude your in the military.. travel and enjoy the ladies.

 

You have no idea if your ex will come back... but its best to maintain N.C. as it will take months to clearly see the full picture.

 

You are in the military.

Your in school.

Your working on the career.

Your driven.

Probably, going to work your *** off to support her and future family.

 

 

Yet your willing to submit and devalue your self? You have all the good cards. My question to you is how will she submit to you? What does she bring to the table. There are plenty of women who love a man in uniform...play your cards right and you will find better..

 

And by the way.. thank you for serving.

[Dehg]

It is difficult enough to explain everything about my own life, much less another person's (hers). To touch on how the huge majority of women would not respect the pour out..I actually think she might be the one percent that wants to see it. Maybe not the way I did, but needs it nonetheless in some form.

 

I was pretty insensitive and not a great emotional backbone for her while we were together. Now that is a very broad and not detailed point, but it at least explains the overall reason that I attempted the heart pour idea. Obviously I still did it in huge part because I care about her, but I know that I needed to show that she can trust putting her heart back into me and know I wont be the same, shallow surfaced jerk that I was. I used to be a pretty emotional guy, but a couple of years ago I was pretty betrayed and it led me down a more withdrawn road emotionally. Then this last girl comes in and loves unconditionally and I acted unemotional at many times with her. So that is basically why I felt I had to make sure she knew I care for her beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

So far since I saw her a couple of days ago, she has said that she knows how much I care and knows I am not the unemotional guy I was with her, but she is letting God take the lead on this one in directing her and that she just doesn't know what the future holds. She said she wishes it wasn't this way, but cant help her own feelings for now. She is a very devote Christian, so I don't really think it is an ill willed excuse. Other than that, she has asked a couple of times how my job and home hunting went. I have not responded.

 

She really wants to stay in contact, but I am just not sure what the right thing to do is. I don't know if it helps me or doesn't I will assume you all think it definitely will not help at all.

 

Awesome point in how I have submitted and what does she now bring to the table. She might not have her own life completely on a smooth road, but she is easily the most caring person I have known, and as lame as it may sound..that makes up for a lot of things she might not have or do. To expand on that, I guess I will see to what extent she will submit. It is still early on in the break up. All I know is that I made myself very clear to her that I am willing to put in my side of the effort.

 

I appreciate the thank you for what I do. I like to think because I serve, somebody who doesn't want to won't have to.

[springy]

 

I was pretty insensitive and not a great emotional backbone for her while we were together. Now that is a very broad and not detailed point, but it at least explains the overall reason that I attempted the heart pour idea. Obviously I still did it in huge part because I care about her, but I know that I needed to show that she can trust putting her heart back into me and know I wont be the same, shallow surfaced jerk that I was. I used to be a pretty emotional guy, but a couple of years ago I was pretty betrayed and it led me down a more withdrawn road emotionally. Then this last girl comes in and loves unconditionally and I acted unemotional at many times with her. So that is basically why I felt I had to make sure she knew I care for her beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

 

This is a very important detail you left out of the original post. If you are hanging onto emotional baggage from previous relationships such that you can't be kind and open up your heart, you should stay single for a good stretch of time and deal with that. Future partners should not suffer because of something someone else did to you. I do think you did the right thing in breaking up with her although you are not able to accept it right now. You should stay nc; she's not offering anything other than 'friendship', which you are not ready for at this point in time.

[Dehg]

I agree. It took the break up to realize some of my own mistakes. I think I've done enough analyzing of this whole thing now to just leave well enough alone. I'm exhausting myself by thinking about what I should or shouldn't do. Simply it comes down to her choice, and I'm okay with accepting that I just don't have power over feelings. She knows where I stand and has the avenues to contact me open.

 

She has messaged me twice now to ask how my home search went. Then followed it up by asking why I'm not even responding and that I sound upset? I did not reply. I will try NC. Only because I know there is no question about where I stand on this.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, Dehg

 

Great job in keeping no contact.

 

Good job in not responding to her last lame texts.

I am jumping up and down and cheering you on.

Open your window, I bet you can hear me! Haha!

 

Just ignore the text, and future texts, look at it like an emotional brain fart from your ex.

 

About being friends, I know it is not for you, and I agree:

 

Staying Friends = Relationship Limbo

Relationship Limbo = Constant Pain and Confusion

 

I have something a break up buddy wrote me in an e-mail about being friends with an ex.

 

Maybe it might give you some motivation to follow NC. Here is what was said.

 

«You're not friends.

You'll never be friends.

You'll be in love till it kills you both.

You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver,

but you'll never be friends.

 

Love isn't brains or children, it's blood.

 

Blood screaming inside you to work its will.

I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.»

 

Dehg, these moments are the defining moments of our lives.

You can either cave in, or get stronger, and push your way through, evolving along the way.

 

We can't do much about the things that happen to us in life, but we have full control over how we handle these situations.

 

Pull yourself through this, and show your family and friends that they too, can handle bad situations (and change their lives) if they really want to.

 

This is battle!

This is SPARTA!

 

You can do this, Dehg!

 

We will support you all the way!

[Dehg]

Hi all. I get frustrated when I see threads I like go dead, so I will do all of those who are similar to me a favor by providing an update.

 

Depending how you want to look at it. I've slipped up...a lot.

 

Since my texts after visiting her I have bee NC for a few days, but then I caved in and texted her an apology for the way I responded emotionally after our meet up and I said how much I respect that she feels she needs time to find out what she really needs and wants in life. She responded that she really appreciated what I said and that she was so happy I said that because it means a lot to her.

 

I respond back with how I promise her that the way I acted during our relationship (a bit reserved, and at times insensitive) would be completely different because that is not who I really am (I swear on everything that is actually true). And that I still care about her very much. She responded back "I will always care about you (my name)" I then ask her if i can call her.

 

Several hours later she tells me she can talk. So I call. This is last night by the way. We begin to talk about regular stuff. She asked how my house hunt went, talked about her job a bit, talked about where we both used to work together a bit, other non personal things. Then I say how I was sorry for the way my emotions got to me after we met up. I tell her about how I've been pursuing my dormant Christianity more lately (this is extremely important to her), and just generally talk about how I am serious about being the kind of person she needs. She tells me about how she is focusing on herself right now. Her heart not being ready for anything, and how she is letting God show her what she needs. She tells me, without me asking, how nobody else is in the picture. She is just doing her right now. She tells me how she eventually needs somebody on the same spiritual level as her and basically that is it.

 

Oh, by the way, somewhere sandwiched in all of that I talk about how my moving situation and how I have gotten a lot of good leads on career opportunities and how I plan on moving to her city in, now...just under two months. I want to move there regardless. I have for a long time. But I would be lying if I said that the move date being so close isn't in part because of her. She asked how it was going to be so hard for me to move with her when we were together, and now how I somehow can so soon. I was honest and open and said how I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it and how I was afraid to do something like that back then.

 

We ended that talk and said good night. I sent a text shortly after and said how I would love to start on a clean slate with her and show her that I am the kind of person that will protect her heart and how the break up was "needed" so I could see where I went so wrong. No answer since. I never double text, so I'm playing it cool.

 

Any advice here is appreciated. I know many of you will think what I am doing is so wrong, but I was the dumper and I have played all my cards on the table. Being extremely transparent and honest with how I feel. I feel moving to her city takes advantage of capitalizing on not allowing too much time for her to completely move on and also show how serious I am about her. I know without a doubt that she will text me again and likely we will have a phone call.

 

Part of me is realistic enough to know she just isn't ready emotionally, but another part knows how people can change and at any time she could miss me, find somebody else...anything.