Reached out after 2 months?

[barbes]

I'm 29, she's 30. Were together 7 years, friends for 10, no kids, engaged 2 years, with a number of "breakups" (most lasting a day or two, the longest being 2 months, right at the beginning of R). She's always been the one to initiate said breakups, but always came back. Said it was a fear of commitment, etc., it's been suspected she's a "quiet" borderline, and she has pretty deep issues with self-image, commitment, trust, and insecurity, well beyond just me. I learned to roll with it, it's part of who she is, so please do not judge that harshly.

 

We always lived with roommates up till 2 years ago, when we got our own place. I was very stressed, working long hours, drinking too much. She was depressed and unemployed. We hit a big rut. Long story short, there was some cheating, on her part. She initially ran on discovery, then I took her back, genuinely remorseful, but the fighting and pressure was getting bad even with MC, so she moved out, said we're through, blocked me on everything, very cold. Moved in with her sister, who's had it out for me for some 10 years.

 

I begged and thrashed awhile, but went NC for about 30 days, agreeing to the breakup. A week ago, I receive 3 calls from her (one from a 'private' number, she had assumed I blocked her), and a very sweet voicemail, saying she was sending me a letter. In all the other "breakups", she's never done this. I didn't respond, because I'm A) More than a little wary at this point, and B) Don't want to blow a shot at real reconciliation. I'm still blocked from her social media, etc.

 

At this point I'm comfortable in myself again. I don't want her to move back in right away. We had kind of rushed that to begin with (placated with roommates) most of our problems stem from cohabitation (we both need a lot of space, and an NYC 1bdr doesn't allow much of that) and still have a lot to figure out before then. We started dating when we were 22 and in many ways still treated each other like we were 22. That needs to be fixed.

 

What I would like to do is simply start dating her again, re-establishing trust, affection, fun, etc., slowly. She's mentioned this before too, saying should live apart awhile but still date. Her reason for leaving is that I wouldn't get over the cheating, and be an overbearing, joyless tyrant for life, and she would lose all independence. And indeed I was, for about 6 months. But even right up to the end, love was not a problem. It never has been. And 2 months later, after sorting out my feelings on how this happened, finding my peace and seeing my own failures that lead up to this, it's still not. I'm not desperate, and I've been working on myself. But I love her still.

 

So how do I go about this? She has some abandonment issues (as do I), so am wary of holding up NC for much longer. I feel like we're just stale-mating each other, worried the other's still pissed. Her reaching out is atypical. But I don't really know what to say to make her feel "safe" in us again.

Edited February 19, 2017 by barbes

[goldway90]

Said it was a fear of commitment, etc., it's been suspected she's a "quiet" borderline, and she has pretty deep issues with self-image, commitment, trust, and insecurity

 

I see, go on and let's continue.

 

We hit a big rut. Long story short, there was some cheating, on her part

 

She cheated, i didn't see this one coming.

 

What I would like to do is simply start dating her again, re-establishing trust, affection, fun, etc., slowly

 

It won't work.

 

She's mentioned this before too, saying should live apart awhile but still date. Her reason for leaving is that I wouldn't get over the cheating

 

Is she serious?

 

So how do I go about this?

 

RUN and never look back. Too much drama and emotional pain

Edited February 19, 2017 by goldway90
missing word

[Downtown]

It's been suspected she's a "quiet" borderline, and she has pretty deep issues with self-image, commitment, trust, and insecurity, well beyond just me.

Barbes, your GF's ability to sustain a lasting R/S with you depends on how deep those "pretty deep issues" really are. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

What I would like to do is simply start dating her again, re-establishing trust, affection, fun, etc., slowly.

That is a commendable objective if her BPD traits are only at a mild to moderate level. If they are strong, however, you will be trying to do the impossible because strong and persistent BPD traits mean that your GF's emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. If that is indeed the situation, you cannot fix it. It is something that she would have to learn to manage and control -- and it would take at least several years of intensive therapy (e.g., DBT or CBT).

 

So how do I go about this?

If she has strong BPD traits, you don't. As Goldway stated above, "It won't work." The problem is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Given that you are uncertain about the strength of her BPD traits, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Goldway in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Barbes.

Edited February 19, 2017 by Downtown

[jamili]

After reading your posts, Downtown, I'm fairly certain my ex is at the higher end of this Borderline spectrum. It's eery to read some of this stuff, so damn spot on. Sometimes I feel we are all dating the same woman. Curiously I found these "Traits" to be rather attractive in the beginning. I had never felt so overwhelming drawn to a person before. Nuts.

Edited February 19, 2017 by jamili