Health Issues upon Reconciliation..........Not Coping Well

[Tracey123]

I will try to make this as short as possible but I have to fill you in on some history. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and during that time, I have been through major helath issues. I was diagnosed with Chron's disease, had 15 surgeries beginning one year before we started going out, lost my mother to cancer(last immediate family member), but have managed not too bad in spite of it all. My boyfriend hung in pretty well throught but wasn't helpful when it came to medical appointments etc. I relied specifically on friends for things like that and I feel that he should have been more 'on board'. Well, I have done pretty good inspite of all I have been through. I'm working full-time in a decent career, own my own house, am financially solvant, and am independent.

My boyfriend, whose name is Marty, has issues with committment....We have danced around buying a house together, (he mentioned it first) and it has been rocky ever since. We split up in Jan.....and then 5 weeks ago, he says to me, "I love you, I want to work through things, I am miserable." So we talk and I tell him what bothers me in the relationship and that I need more couples time etc. and we carry on. Nothing really got resolved...it felt like the marathon conversation so that we could just get through it and get on with every day. He hates conflict.

Now, to bring you up to date. We still ahven't worked through things, really and I have a new health issue. I have been having seizures since March 7th. One bog one that day out of the blue while at a conferance and lots of little ones since that no one would know unless I told them. So I go to the doctor and they check my heart and it's fine and they check my blood and I have not B12 or folic acid in my system (problem for Chron's patients) so I can resolve that, but there is still the issues with the seizures although they are very small. On Friday, my Doc tells me that he is considering pulling my driver's license and I freak out. His secretary leaves me a message on my home phone after I leave the office and I feel like my whole world is crashing down. I talk the Doc out of it (through his secretary because he won't talk to me on the phone) and ask him to wait becuase it could just be my medication and there is no diagnosis. I have an extremely rough day.

I call my boyfriend that night to tell him the news and he just keeps saying "wow, this is heavy". Not "is there anything I can do for you, or maybe WE should move closer to your work or I'll drive you to work until we can figure this out........" None of that. So I tell him that I am so angry that this is happening to me and his response is"you've been angry for a long time" I say "at you?" And he says yes. And I say, if you didn't do the little things that piss me off when you know they are going to piss me off, then I wouldn't get angry." He responds with "yeah right....oh, I'm not even going to get into it." So I say, why don't you go and eat your supper and call me back.

Second Call: He calls me back and we talk about the seizures and what that means etc. and what it could be etc. and I ask him how he feels about all of this and he says "overwhelmed.........but I'm overwhelmed about the issues in our relationship, anyway." This opens a big discussion about 'the issues' that never get talked about......what we should have done 5 weeks ago. I tell him that 5 weeks ago, he wanted to work on things and I've been waiting for the 'work' to start. The biggest issue is TIME. Other than his job, he rehearses with 1 -2 bands every week or is working on his house etc. When we got back together, I told him that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship where I don't feel important or like a priority and he says that I am and I say that "it's something that you do,,,,,,,,not say." Love is an action word and is something that you do.

So, the conversation carries on and he tells me everything that bothers him about me........he hates conflict and I say that for a man that hates conflict, he sure pursues it........not making time in the relationship creates conflict and if he doesn't wnat the conflict, put in the time. That is all we ever fight about and he could fix that. To be honest, I can't believe that he has picked NOW to talk about this stuff.......Why now?

So, I tell him that if the tables were turned and he was the one who was going through this medical stuff, I would be on his door step in 5 minutes asking him if there was something I could do, how can I help him ettc. He says " Oh, I should just jump in my van......and I say no, I'm telling you how I make you a priority and what I would do." He says, I think he's stupid sometimes and I say, yes.......sometimes you act clueless......like you've never been in a relationship and don't know how to treat someone that you care about..... that is met with silence.........By this time, I am crying saying that I am in a relationship and I feel so alone..........and that I am tired now, and am going to bed and I will talk to you later. I hang up and go to bed.

Yesterday morning at 10:00, he calls from work before the store opens, (he works in a music store) and I don't get to the phone. The message he leaves says that he is calling to say hi before he gets to work and wants to know how I'm feeling and he'll talk to me later. I don't call him back. I don't know what to do.

I spoke with my cousin and aunt last night and my cousin who is Marty's age and never been married either, says, avoid him for a week or two and then say 'you're either in or you're out........no more 1/2 way.' I just feel sick inside and today is the first day I can even think straight after seeing the Doctor. Any feedback?

[boursin_cheese]

Okay, first you've got to take care of you. Figure out what you need and what you need from Marty. What support from him or anyone will help you manage the stress? Stress is not good for anyone. And you know it's not good for the Crohn's.

 

You've got someone there who is listening to you. Marty is hanging in. You've just had the most awful week and you're tired and frustrated BUT that doesn't make it OK to snipe at the guy. Losing your temper a little here or there is understandable but right now is a time for acknowledging that Marty is making an effort. And even though you're both tense and arguing, he is still checking in.

 

Now he admittedly isn't making the effort the way you want him to, but you've got to ask yourself if you're getting the response you want from him by having these angry conversations? If you do accept that he loves you and wants to continue to love you, let him know calmly and straightforwardly what you need. It's OK to be very precise. He may respond better to that. But maybe not a big heaping list to start?

 

Do you know the Shel Silverstein poem My Rules?

My Rules

If you want to marry me, here’s what you’ll have to do:

You must learn how to make a perfect chicken-dumpling stew.

And you must sew my holey socks,

And soothe my troubled mind,

And develop a knack for scratching my back,

And keep my shoes spotlessly shined.

And while I rest you must rake up the leaves,

And when it is hailing and snowing

You must shovel the walk… and be still when I talk,

And—hey—where are you going?

 

 

I'm not sure an ultimatum is the way to go. Cuz I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me -- you know? In between it seemed like you said some very positive things about his wanting to reconcile in your post. Maybe re-read it to yourself? And please keep taking care of yourself! Marty or no Marty you are the most important person Tracey. Your health has got to come first. OK?

 

b.c.

[Tracey123]

Thank you for the response. You are right. I have been very unruly in the last week or so and as of this morning, it turns out the Doc is thinking it is a drug reaction....i'm still hoping. I get frustrated with the 'work' of a relationship. It seems there is 'always something'. My doctor said the same thing to me this morning that you wrote in your repsonse. I need to get my support from other places.....Marty is probly on "burn out" due to my medical problems over the last three years. I don't blame him. Thanks again for your response..it really put things into perspective.

[boursin_cheese]

Hey Tracey, I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news!

 

Hope I wasn't too out of line? You shouldn't go too far in the other direction and start blaming yourself for everything either!

 

b.c.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Tracey123

Thank you for the response. You are right. I have been very unruly in the last week or so and as of this morning, it turns out the Doc is thinking it is a drug reaction....i'm still hoping. I get frustrated with the 'work' of a relationship. It seems there is 'always something'. My doctor said the same thing to me this morning that you wrote in your repsonse. I need to get my support from other places.....Marty is probly on "burn out" due to my medical problems over the last three years. I don't blame him. Thanks again for your response..it really put things into perspective.

 

Tracey, I really feel for you. I have idiopathic epilepsy as well, most likely from a drug reaction! I had a subactue seizure cluster in 2003 and it caused permanent brain damage so now I will be on anticonvulsants for the rest of my life. I really feel for you.

 

I was married at the time that I developed my seizure disorder, and it really took a toll on my marriage and I often wonder if it played a bigger role in the demise of my partnership than I really want to think about. In any case, this is a big deal for people, and if you aren't a caretaker, you just can't deal. I have recently lost friends over this, I had a seizure at a friend's house (granted, mine was probably this time caused by my recreational abuse of cocaine over the winter).

 

For me, I had a lot to deal with. I had to re-learn how to write, and take care of myself, dress myself, walk straight, function on the anticonvulsants....it was hard. And in the end, my ex couldn't be there for me, so I had to do it alone. That's the thing....it is tempting to lean very heavily on your support structures in times like this, but ultimately, the effort and work really does come almost exclusively from you.

 

I hope you are seeing a neurologist and that you are on the appropriate preventative medications. Those can cause a lot of ups and downs in your emotions when you first get on them. I wasn't doing really well until I had been on my depakote for at least 2-3 weeks. So hang in there. I hope things turn out well!!

[Tracey123]

I am hoping I am not epileptic.........boy am I. I went to the Doctor yesterday and I think I have him convnced that I have had an adverse reaction to Wellbutrin as there was a medication change in March to help me quit smoking. I haven't taken any of those meds since Friday and so far, no seizures. I did some research on the net and found that seizures are common with Wellbutrin . I'm hoping that that is what the heck is going on.

As for Marty, he hasn't dealt well with any of it..........can't handle pressure very well.

Today I go for an EEG and tomorrow a Doppler test to check for blood clots. My fingers are double crossed, to say the least.