Jump to content

Coping With The Loss of my Marriage


Wheremyheartis

Recommended Posts

Wheremyheartis

My husband and I are currently separated. I've been posting on the Separation and Divorce page but Hoping to Find some support and advice on what to do now.

 

< Moderator note: Link to previous thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/563763-my-husband-got-up-left >

Long story, short:

 

We had been together almost 11 years and married almost 5 when we separated back in February 2016. In the summer of 2015 my husband was laid off from his job. He was forced to take on a lower paying job which he didn't care for. We also put having kids on hold.

 

In the months to follow he became depressed and distant. Then at the end of November, to early December he told me he found a job in a city nine hours away. I told him I didn't want to move. He then asked me for a divorce.

We talked a bit, and he agreed to see a therapist. He said he didn't take the job.

 

Fast forward to shortly after Christmas I find out he did end up taking the job and didn't know how to tell me. Anyway after fruitful talking I agreed to move for this job. We sold our house, I quit my job. We put a deposit on a house.

 

The day before we were suppose to move in, he had me fly down to the city to pick up the keys while he drove with our stuff through the night. When I got there I found out he cancelled the lease last minute and left me hanging dry. I flew back and immediately filed for separation (have to be separated for at least a year to get a divorced) I tried to file under the two exceptions, but judge didn't agree. So I got a legal separation from my husband.

 

_________________________________

 

In the months following our separation my husband had been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I always thought he suffered from low self esteem and depression, but looking back it made sense. All the signs were there.

 

We talk occasionally. On what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary back in March, he sent me a Facebook message telling me he loved me. I blocked him. He is doing work on himself which I had told him I'm proud of. He had asked if we could try again but at this time I told him I didn't want too.

 

He did admit that the job in the city we were suppose to move to, backed out last minute and he didn't know how to tell me. That he got overwhelmed and thought saying nothing would be the best thing.

 

 

Which brings me to my question.

 

I had been told I took the separation fairly well. I got the okay from the courts to buy my own place. I bought a nice two bedroom condo. I started a second job and had started finding an interest in new things: pottery and yoga are two of them. I hang out with friends more and I'm even considering taking a make up class.

 

I have seen a therapist but stopped after a few sessions because it wasn't doing it for me. But some lingering issues are still hanging over my head. I miss my husband and I want to be with him. There I said it. In my head I know that would be a terrible idea. He ****ed me over royally but I miss him. I'd love to get back together with him. I want to start fresh but I'm find it so hard to detach, to let go. I have to force myself not to text him, or call him to rant and rave.

 

I know its only 4 months out, but it's so hard. Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added link to previous thread for context ~6
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Make a plan that include regular met ups. Being cold and telling him you don't want things you do won't be helpful.

 

You say his problem has been identified and he is working on it so why is it a terrible idea?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

snip

I have seen a therapist but stopped after a few sessions because it wasn't doing it for me. But some lingering issues are still hanging over my head. *I miss my husband and I want to be with him. There I said it. In my head I know that would be a terrible idea. He ****ed me over royally but I miss him. *I'd love to get back together with him. I want to start fresh but I'm find it so hard to detach, to let go. I have to force myself not to text him, or call him to rant and rave.

 

I know its only 4 months out, but it's so hard. Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated.

 

*If that is really what you want, you should start the process of making it happen.

 

I suspect that you might be worried about others might think...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

It isn't so much about what other thinks. I know and accept if we were ever a thing again my parents wouldn't be supportive, my sister would think I was stupid. My friends same thing. That is a given.

 

I think my heart hasn't caught up with my head. This man left me in another city, to make a fool of myself. I keep telling myself, that is a big deal. Even if he were to get help would I ever be able to trust him again.

 

I told him I'd be there for him for support, but that we couldn't be together. I feel like I'm giving off false hope for him and for myself. Right now it's taking everything out of me not to go see him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Bottom line is you can't live for others. Had I done that I would have missed the best things in my life right now. My wife had an affair, we divorced, after some years my feelings for her grew stronger, my family and friends all thought it was horrible to let her back in on that lvl.

 

We now have an amazing relationship, better and stronger then ever before. Live life for yourself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis
Bottom line is you can't live for others. Had I done that I would have missed the best things in my life right now. My wife had an affair, we divorced, after some years my feelings for her grew stronger, my family and friends all thought it was horrible to let her back in on that lvl.

 

We now have an amazing relationship, better and stronger then ever before. Live life for yourself.

 

 

Did you remarrying your wife after you guys got back together?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

I just always pictured myself getting married once. I told myself by February 2017, when the one year is up if things aren't different the divorce will go through. I don't know if I could stay with him if we divorced. It just feels like the ultimate end.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to stick to your guns and go down the path you started or turn around and go back.

 

To me going back to the way it was or even close to the way it was wouldn't be enough, my gosh look at what he did to you, inexcusable for a spouse.

 

If you want to go back back make it dependent on REAL work and change on his part, if you don't he will repeat the past bad behavior and you will find yourself in the same spot you are now but only 5 years later on down the road.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
DeeplyMissHer

When you broke up, you were going through numbness. He betrayed you, lied to you and made a fool of you. Separating and breaking up was the logical choice. The choice most would make.

 

 

Now four months out, based on your account of things. Your feelings are coming out. You are lonely, missing your husband and wanting the life you had before. This is all normal.

 

 

When my girlfriend, my daughter's mother, broke up with me, I was sad, but it wasn't until a good month before it really got to me. The disbelief, the reality of things set in. I went into full fledged emotional mode. We even tried to reconcile but couldn't.

 

 

Heck it took almost five years, and a relationship that wasn't healthy for me to get over her. I have since met someone new, and I tell you it gets easier. You are young, and I was young. Don't settle for baggage.

 

 

I took five years to learn that.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

I was probably numbed and driven by anger.

 

Eleven years with someone is a long time, and I can imagine having a child with someone can complicate things further. We have no children so walking away should be a lot harder.

 

I'm living in my own house and he is living with his parents. He is working, going to regular therapy and is addressing his avoidance behavior and depression. I had recently unblocked him so he can text me. He's still blocked on Facebook.

 

We text occasionally, mostly to update me on his progress. I'm suprised at his level of being able to respect my boundaries. A few times he had passed into grey area but he is doing a lot better. He's more open in the last few months then in the last year of our marriage.

 

I think it would've been so much easier if he wasn't trying and to continue being selfish and an *******.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's understandable that you'd want some time apart from him after what he did. But it sounds like he's really trying to work on the things he needs to fix, and from what you've said you miss him and it seems like you'd want to get back together if he's able to work through some of those things. I wouldn't dismiss those feelings if I were you. Like you said, 11 years is a long time! Not to excuse or downplay what he did in the slightest, but it seems like it might be worth it to try to fight for this marriage if you can. You mentioned that you only saw a therapist for a few sessions - do you think you might have better results with a different therapist? Just like any relationships, people click better with some therapists than others. Might be something to consider looking into to help you with everything that's happened over the last few months. What do you think it would need to look like to be able to forgive him and try to work things out and save your marriage? What do you think you would need from him? It can be helpful to think that out and maybe write it down to help you figure out what's going to be best for you. Hang in there, Wheremyheartis. I have hope for you and your future!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some would say that you must make a decision and stick to it, no matter what.

 

I understand the logic behind that, but things and circumstances change...

 

It's OK to not know what you want, or what to do.

 

Don't decide anything right now, if you're unsure.

 

Keep an open mind.

 

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis
You mentioned that you only saw a therapist for a few sessions - do you think you might have better results with a different therapist? Just like any relationships, people click better with some therapists than others. Might be something to consider looking into to help you with everything that's happened over the last few months. What do you think it would need to look like to be able to forgive him and try to work things out and save your marriage? What do you think you would need from him? It can be helpful to think that out and maybe write it down to help you figure out what's going to be best for you. Hang in there, Wheremyheartis. I have hope for you and your future!

 

 

Unfortunately there is only 3 therapist within a 75 kilometer radius to where I live. I live in a semi low-populated area. The only other therapist is the one my husband is using. The other one is just plain no good.

 

What he did to me was something huge. It was selfish but it was also not normal. He had undiagnosed issues that manifested until he got himself, at least in his head in a place he couldn't handle. It sucked I had to be the victim of that madness.

 

It doesn't excuse what he does but after his diagnosis of having avoidance personality disorder it made sense. After him telling me what really went down it made it a little easier.

 

I don't hate him. Not everything about him is bad. He's a great worker, he was a great provider. Overall he was a great boyfriend, fiance and husband up until last summer. But he had his issues such as low self-esteem, depression and conflict avoidant which was a constant thing throughout our entire relationship.

 

I know I need to talk to someone. I've been ranting to my friends, and have a close friend of my family who has been kind of a mentor. She has been great.

 

All I want for him to get his life back on track. I see the progress and I see the remorse and regret of the decisions he has made. I know he loves me and wants our marriage back. But I'm afraid.

 

Art_Critic is correct that I can't just jump back into a relationship with him without some serious change. I also don't want to keep these feelings to myself. I don't know what to do.

 

He made it clear he wants another chance but I turned him down.

Edited by Wheremyheartis
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Should I at least tell him how I feel?

 

OP....I am a 57 year old male so take this with a grain of salt but please give it some thought...

 

You only go around once in a lifetime, no second chances no do-overs. You need to see an IC to help you sort out your feelings, even if it is his IC that is still better than not seeing anyone.

 

Decide what you want...i.e. are you missing company in general or are you truly missing him? Decide that.

 

From what I have read on your Thread (s) to me, your H had an undiagnosed illness. Just ask if it weren't a mental illness but a physical illness, say MS for example and he could no longer ski with you.....would you hold him to the same accountability as you are now with the mental illness?

 

I get that you were humiliated and embarrassed, I can't imagine how that felt but....only you can make the decision to move forward toward the things in the one life you truly want.

 

If you let anyone or anything hold you back, that is on you.....be brave and engage life and live it, don't sit back indecisive and inactive waiting for it to come to you. Cherish and pursue the life you want.

 

Were this me, I would think about divorce and then begin to date and possibly remarry inside a new marriage with the individual I love, in this case for you, I see true love (all be it you're gravely hurt) in your STBXH. Begin to communicate how your feeling. In fact it might even be a good thing to take up IC with the same Therapist so that if you decide to work things out with him, the IC will have the background and will be able to help you two navigate the minefield.

 

Just my two cents....

 

;)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

 

Decide what you want...i.e. are you missing company in general or are you truly missing him? Decide that.

 

;)

 

I really do believe that I miss him. It's the little things about him I miss the most. His smile, his quirkiness, his hugs and his laugh. His laugh was so distinct, something unique to him. At the same time I miss having someone. At first I thought I missed the idea of him, but over time I realize more and more things remind me of him. Not just about the relationship but about he made me feel. Underneath all the hurt, the lies and the poor choices is someone great.

 

 

Were this me, I would think about divorce and then begin to date and possibly remarry inside a new marriage with the individual I love, in this case for you, I see true love (all be it you're gravely hurt) in your STBXH.

 

I don't want to divorce him only to remarry him. I take my vows really seriously. It's either I'm all in or I'm out. I think divorcing him would destroy any chance we had of one another. I truly do love my husband, hence why I'm not referring to him as my soon to be ex husband. It's either my husband or my ex husband, there is no in between. Were seperated, but still legally married.

 

Begin to communicate how your feeling. In fact it might even be a good thing to take up IC with the same Therapist so that if you decide to work things out with him, the IC will have the background and will be able to help you two navigate the minefield.

Just my two cents....

 

I'm open to seeing the same therapist as him, but this is something I would need to talk to him about. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, or overwhelmed this early in his own recovery.

 

As for communicating my feelings. I don't know where to began. I totally shut him down and I know that hurt him. I feel like I should text him and say I want to talk.

Edited by Wheremyheartis
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Go for what you want....your life will be what you make of it...don't wait for someone else to make it for you.....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Would you be able to live with him knowing that he could relapse at any point?

 

Could you live knowing that any day he could walk away from a perfectly good job?

 

Would you be willing to live always maintaining completely separate finances? Credit cards? Bank accounts?

 

Could you live always being the responsible one and the one that makes the final decisions and generally "wearing the pants" in the marriage.

 

Would you be willing to always work full time and always carry your own benefits so you don't have to rely on him?

 

Could you live knowing that he will probably always need follow up treatment and maybe even ongoing therapy and meds etc, possibly for life?

 

Would you ever be able to have children with him knowing that he may pull this when you have babies to feed?

 

Is this disorder passed on to children? Would you have kids with him if it is?

 

These are the questions you need to be answering for yourself.

 

No mental disorder is ever "cured". They can be managed and somewhat controlled for blocks of time, but all involve relapses periodic therapy and titration of medication, usually for life.

 

Are you willing and able to live with that?

 

Are you willing and able to live with never being able to fully trust him or rely on him?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

Would you be able to live with him knowing that he could relapse at any point?

I can't really answer that. He had these issues undiagnosed for our entire relationship. Eleven years he managed, but you are right it's always a risk.

 

Could you live knowing that any day he could walk away from a perfectly good job?

 

Really he hasn't actually quit any job except the one he is currently at which he did because he thought he had another job lined up. According to him, and until I know otherwise I'll say is the truth, was the job in the other city fell through. He didn't know if he had a job to go back too, and were moving to a city with no forms of employment.

 

Would you be willing to live always maintaining completely separate finances? Credit cards? Bank accounts?

 

Yes... I couldn't handle that. I had my own bank account and credit card before. I would just not have him as a card holder. But he has also never wracked up a bunch of debt either.

 

Could you live always being the responsible one and the one that makes the final decisions and generally "wearing the pants" in the marriage.

 

This one I'm having a bit of trouble answering. Because I'm not sure how I feel.

Would you be willing to always work full time and always carry your own benefits so you don't have to rely on him?

 

I think everyone to a certain degree should rely on themselves. I got benefits through my work which I would have no problem keeping.

 

Could you live knowing that he will probably always need follow up treatment and maybe even ongoing therapy and meds etc, possibly for life?

 

I want to say yes, but can't know for sure unless I decide to give it a chance.

 

 

Would you ever be able to have children with him knowing that he may pull this when you have babies to feed?

 

I'm not sure... Right now children is on backburner. The desire I once had is now missing.

 

Is this disorder passed on to children? Would you have kids with him if it is?

 

I can't answer this one either. I don't know.

 

These are the questions you need to be answering for yourself.

 

No mental disorder is ever "cured". They can be managed and somewhat controlled for blocks of time, but all involve relapses periodic therapy and titration of medication, usually for life.

 

Are you willing and able to live with that? Are you willing and able to live with never being able to fully trust him or rely on him?

 

I really appreciate your questions and they are questions that have darted around in my head. I know that I'm thinking with my heart instead of with my head. But there is this dark cloud following me around. Like if I don't do this or at least try to see if this is something that is salvageable, that it'll be something I regret.

 

Having a mental illness in general isn't a deal breaker, because if he would have been diagnosed with it at any other time, but after what he did I wouldn't have left him. But it is a question of can I trust him again, can I get past the hurt, the humiliation he had put me through. Is love enough? That I can't answer because I really don't know.

 

My first goal is to stop hiding my feelings and be honest. The same principal I'm expecting from him. Doesn't mean we have to get back together but it leaves how we feel out in the open. We can either work towards reconciling or we can both accept our marriage is finished and come february can divorce. But right now I"m on the fence and I'd really like to get off.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

I made the decision to tell my husband how I felt. I texted him saying we needed to talk because I had something I needed to say. So we are meeting in fifteen minutes at a local coffee shop. I'll update on how it went when I get home.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wheremyheartis

I just got home after a relatively decent conversation. I didn't beat around the bush but got right to the point.

 

I told him that I missed him. He said he missed me too. We talked a bit about his progress in therapy. He's been on antidepressant for depression and has been going to weekly therapy.

 

I told him how I was happy of his progress. That is when he told me that I was the only one who noticed the changes. When I asked him about it. At first he didn't want to say anything, but with a little nudging. He told me his mom and dad thought he was wasting money. That since he was on antidepressants that he was fine.

 

I asked him if he thought about quitting therapy and he said it had crossed his mind but hadn't. Which I was happy to hear. I mentioned about possibly seeing the same therapist as his since it was the only other option in the area. He said that would be good. THat he really like the therapist he was seeing because he had helped him a lot in the short time he had been seeing him.

 

Just before I left for the night he asked me if I was reconsidering giving him another chance. I told him straight out that it had crossed my mind but I wasn't making any decisions right there. I told him I was still hurt over what he did to me and that was something I was having a hard time dealing with. But I did say that I wouldn't rule it out right now. But I had to let him know how I felt. He apologized profusely for what he had done and thanked me for not completely giving up on him.

 

We parted on a hug, with the promise to text over the next few days. And that we would meet up after his therapy session on Friday to talk more. So that is where we are at.

 

It's obvious there is still strong feelings between us, but also a lot of resentment on my part.

Edited by Wheremyheartis
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I really do believe that I miss him. It's the little things about him I miss the most. His smile, his quirkiness, his hugs and his laugh. His laugh was so distinct, something unique to him. At the same time I miss having someone. At first I thought I missed the idea of him, but over time I realize more and more things remind me of him. Not just about the relationship but about he made me feel. Underneath all the hurt, the lies and the poor choices is someone great.

.

 

I am not really sure of what to advise but the missing him is part of the process of separation, in my experience.

 

My husband left our marriage in a very blunt, traumatic manner and has basically refused to speak to me since. Despite this emotionally violent behaviour I have still had points over the last year (we separated May 2015) where I missed him and yearned for him to the point it was physically aching.

 

But I missed the person he was a few years ago. All those things above that you wrote I would have written that too. Christmas was particularly harrowing.

 

I am not sure if you want to reconcile but these feelings do pass. It is part of the change from we to me.

 

I really miss my husbands enthusiasm, his support, what I thought was his genuine love for me, how well he dealt with my insane family dynamic, his hugs, his company, his care for me when I was feeling well... sad.

 

But this does pass, and it gets easier and less frequent. I still have all of those fond memories - but I am happier and better off not in that relationship. Because it doesn't change the fact that he did incredibly hurtful things with little remorse, explanation or accountability.

 

Only you can know if this is part of separation or your desire to be in a relationship with him again.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Miss Clavel
I just always pictured myself getting married once. I told myself by February 2017, when the one year is up if things aren't different the divorce will go through. I don't know if I could stay with him if we divorced. It just feels like the ultimate end.

 

 

 

i would let the divorce go through. i would never marry him again.

Edited by Miss Clavel
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...