ah10 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) My boyfriend and I love each other very much. Last year we broke up after seriously dating each other for a few months, because of some strong ideological conflict between us. This is also the time i had moved to another city. It was heart breaking for both; I was broken and lost because he had told me that he wouldn't ever give up on me, but eventually did. I can't blame him really because the conflict was such. We stayed separated for 2 months, during which he found another girl whom he used as a rebound. Even though he wasn't emotionally attached to her (but physically was), that girl was head over heels for him. She was an exchange student French trainee, training under him. They became good friends, chilling buddies. The option was apparently safe for him because it meant no long-term commitment to this girl. During these two months, I was enormously grieved but didn't know that he was seeing another girl. So I called him one day and and we reconciled after acknowledging how much we loved and missed each other. I even told my family that I wanted to marry him. And so did he inform his family. He also came over to my house to meet everyone and further discuss our marriage. But he couldn't muster up enough courage to tell me or the other girl. He kept us both in dark, thinking that she would leave eventually within a few months, and we both would never get to know about each other. But I did find out, while visiting him for a few days. That girl had left by then but they were still in contact over the messages and Skype. She had written how she missed him and how she was so upset to have left. I confronted him, he sincerely apologized and eventually I forgave him because I love him too much and I could see that he was very sincere in his apology. I found out 6 months ago, but the pain and anger still haunt me. I am angry because I think that if I was the one he wanted so dearly, then why could he not break her heart and tell her about me; why did he put our relationship and our marriage on line? He says he didnt anticipate this wreak and he just thought his rebound would finish with that girl leaving the country forever. Sometimes I think whether I should still marry him or not. Will marrying him mean having to live with the pain and betrayal forever? We have talked it out so many times. Every time he gives me assurances and wants to know more about how I feel. But he can't cure the pain. He can't heal me. Will marrying him be a bad decision? Edited March 4, 2016 by ah10 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 He hasn't done anything wrong except use the french girl as a rebound. You two were broken up so he was free to date whomever he please. To answer your question, I think you should marry him if you two love each other but you will have to put this behind you before you take that walk down the aisle. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Well he did do wrong, once reconciled with the OP he kept seeing the "rebound" French girl as he didn't think they would find out about each other and the French girl was leaving anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Well he did do wrong, once reconciled with the OP he kept seeing the "rebound" French girl as he didn't think they would find out about each other and the French girl was leaving anyway... Oh yeah that, he wasn't technically seeing her but still communicating via Skpe, (I think) but he was probably slow about the goodbye because he didn't want to hurt her, but he did. She was probably a sweet girl and didn't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Meatrocket Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I am angry because I think that if I was the one he wanted so dearly, then why could he not break her heart and tell her about me; why did he put our relationship and our marriage on line? As a man, I'll give you the simple answer - He's a f***ing coward who values p**y more than emotional connection. Will marrying him be a bad decision? I can't pretend to know that answer. I do write little sayings to go along with things that have happened to me. I've been cheated on before and I wrote this to remind me of it: A CHEATER makes for a bad travel partner in life's journey. They'll always be at the next destination while you're left carrying all the baggage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Can you clarify whether he broke up with her once he got back with you? If he did.. then I don't see a problem. I can understand him not telling her about you.... if he had broken up with her. If he was still in a romantic relationship with her and got back with you. ..then I see how you feel conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Oh yeah that, he wasn't technically seeing her but still communicating via Skpe, (I think) but he was probably slow about the goodbye because he didn't want to hurt her, but he did. She was probably a sweet girl and didn't deserve this. That is not how I read it, he reconciled with the OP, continued seeing the other girl but by the time the OP found out about the other girl she had left and was communicating by Skype. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ah10 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I would have probably not minded so much had he left that French girl after reconciling with me. But he didn't leave her though be says he had started to avoid her. He says he couldn't break the news to her because she would have felt rejected and dumped and used. To avoid all bitter feelings, he let that rebound affair die its natural death. But then why was he slow in ending the contact with her after she had left? What if I hadn't found out. Would he have still ended contact with her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I would have probably not minded so much had he left that French girl after reconciling with me. But he didn't leave her though be says he had started to avoid her. He says he couldn't break the news to her because she would have felt rejected and dumped and used. To avoid all bitter feelings, he let that rebound affair die its natural death. But then why was he slow in ending the contact with her after she had left? What if I hadn't found out. Would he have still ended contact with her? Getting over a cheating episode is very hard as you are finding out. It needs years of dedicated work from both parties to re-establish the trust and even then... Reconciling is for people with long marriages and kids, people who have huge investments in maintaining the relationship, it is NOT for single people. Single people just need to move on and find someone they CAN trust. I advise that you do this. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Will marrying him be a bad decision? probably! cheating aside; he's super conflict avoidant. and that's the first sign of how he WON'T be able to handle problems in the future. you're too young to settle down with someone this mediocre, aim high and for a man who will worship the ground you walk on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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