Jump to content

Am I closer to the end or a begining?


Recommended Posts

Soo I am back here. For a while I was just so tired of overanylzing everything that I just did what I wanted and let it ride ya know? But I just feel so aarrgghh today I am back.

 

So last wed he asked me to come to his house. 20 minutes away and on a school night I said no thanks. So then he had been saying he was comming to visit his dad, 2 blocks from me, this week sometime but after I declined his offer he soon changed it to the next day.

 

So he went to his dads last thurs. He called me to come over. His brother made dinner and they fed us. He wanted to go for a walk, just with me. So we walked in his neigborhood and off to get some frozen yogurt, just like we used to. It was weird. Long walk in the dark. And then we were lying on the floor with his puppy and he kept saying "we are so good to him" meaning us. And "we are gonna train you to be so good, arent we? " meaning us.

I was like yeah sure we are.

 

We sat in his room for a while and he kept telling me how pretty my hair was. And I said I needed to trim it and he said "no please dont, I like it". Then he asked me if I was happy. I said yes and he smiled. When I would turn my head away while talking he would put his finger under my chin and turn my head towards him. We just sat there and looked at eachother a lot.

 

The next night I was out with some friends. He called me at 7:22 then at 7:30 then at 7:45 then at 8:15 and again at 8:45. I answered at the 8:45 I didnt hear my phone ring the other times. He was all "where were you I was trying to call. Come over and watch this tv show with me" I had nothing else to do so I did. We had fun, the show was good and I stayed the night there. In the ,morning his roomate made me coffee and we all hung out until he went to work. And he kept saying "i will see you soon" instead of goodbye or whatever.

 

So then monday night he calls me at 12 midnight. I was sleeping but whatever. So we talked for a bit and the call dropped. He didnt call back so I was pissed. Thats kinda rude but whatever I went to bed.

 

The next night my grandma went to the emergency room. Well I have had it with family in the hospital and I called him. Just to talk . He was at home and asked if I wanted to come over. He had too much jack and coke and couldnt drive. I said nah I just wanted to talk. So we did and then he said I should try and sleep. I couldnt sleep so I went for a drive. I didnt want to be alone so I drove to his house. It was 2am and he let me in and held me. I finally fell asleep. I just needed some warm fuzzies.

 

Anyway I went to work the next day. He told me to call him and let him know how she is doing. Two days later he calls me again. Asks me to come over and hang out. He was gonna take the puppy on a walk and he wanted us to hang out. I said ok.. so I went over.

 

I had the day off so I stayed and helped him get his room ready to paint. We had fun but it was weird. His roomate made me breakfast and coffee again. He didnt offer me lunch of anything, just a beer. I cant have that because I had to leave at 2 to teach ballet. Only for one hour and he said ok then I will see ya. Not oh are you gonna come over afterwards? I mean he kinda thought I was gonna be around all night anyway then I had to teach and suddenly bye see ya later?

 

When I was walking in his backyard he wanted me around to help him seperate laundry. I mean to watch him do it.

I dunno , maybe I was hungry or maybe it was the turpentine, but I just felt kinda like I was expected to be there to help. I just felt very unappreciated, but as I write this I feel like I was being a jerk.

 

He asked if I was ok and I said yes. He could tell I was mad. But I have no real idea why I was mad.

 

I guess I am just worried about feeling too much, or being too afraid to feel. I want to let it ride until he leaves in two weeks. Damn if I could just get through until I go to Mexico next thurs I would be happy.Ugh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hugznkisses21

THis is a prime exaample of why people can not be friends with Ex's. So u want to be around him and him you but dont want to date but feelings are getting attached, confused and hurt. I say....u can not be freinds with a EX unless there is a NO FEELINGS policy cause if one person has feelings it is going to be sooooooooo rough. U either have to tell him this is what i want I want to be with you and date u again and if that cant happen for any reason or anther you have to let this go...as hard as it is ....hanging on a having him in your life so much while u are having feelings and so is he but u cant act on this is going to kill u inside.

 

Is dating an option again....to see how things go....there is a lot of mind games being played here on both of your parts

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

how exactly am I playing mind games? I guess I just dont see that. It turns out the reason I was in such a bad mood was because he got a txt when I was with him and he didnt say who it was. I had no right to be bummed that he didnt say but it was really none of my business.

 

I told him that when he called later and asked why I was upset. He laughed and told me who it was...someone I know, a guy. He said I just shouldve asked. I said I was worried it would be something I didnt want to know about. He said that he already told me he doesnt want to be with anyone else. He is just not in that state of mind right now. Too much on his plate.

 

We have been kissing and I have been staying the night there. We have had sex. His bed isnt quite set up so he sleeps on the couch. So his roomate comes in and sees us cuddling on the couch. He makes us breakfast and hangs out with us.

 

I am not sure what this is.. but I was told before that this undefined thing is ok... dont lable it and let it evolve, see where it goes. He is leaving soon anyway. So its ok for me to enjoy the moments I have now. Especially since I wasted so many of the ones we had when we were together.

 

I dunno I am sure many people think this is wrong. Lots of you think I need to get out before I get hurt even more. I am just enjoying the time I am having. The other day was a small setback, but it took minutes to get over.

 

I am ok with this. I am getting better. Yeah if tomorrow something changes I may be crushed. But thats how it was when he was my bf. I had no idea he would break up with me. Then WHAMO. This way I can anticipate the fall.

 

I am sorry. Right now my life is full and I am happy. I guess I am tired of second guessing. I dont believe in the absolutes of never being friends with your ex, or whatever. Maybe that means I wil get hurt more than most ppl. But ok. I have to accept that about me then.

 

I am happy now. My friends are great, I am going to disneyland next week, my family is healthy, I am happy. I just want to know how I am playing head games? He knows how I feel. I told him and we are here. Slowly doign whatever we do. Getting to know eachother again, reconnecting and remembering how much we enjoy eachothers company.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Smile

 

How are things going with your situation?

You havent posted in a while. It always seemed to me like you could be okay if you hung in over the rocky bits.

 

If you chance read my current post any comments would be helpful.

 

btw did he do anything for valentines day?

hows the comic books? lol

your friend

strange love

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey,

 

I was just wondering how you were doing. I haven't been here for a while so I haven't read up on all my internet pals and their drama's lately.

 

But, I would have to say that as long as you are ok with what's going on right now, then it's alright what is happening. But it seems kinda like the same old song and dance.

 

I mean I remember you're posting from a while ago when you two seemed to be going somewhere and then you had "the talk" and he told you that he thought everything was alright the way it was going and he still didn't want a relationship with you. I don't think, or at least it doesn't sound like, anything has changed as far as that.

 

When you hang out like the way you have been and have sex, he thinks that you are still okay with the way things are and herefor will not change it. I'm not trying to say anything about his feeling towards you though. It obvious that he loves you and really cares about you a lot.

 

I just don't know what's up with him. But honestly, I think he probably is in the state of mind that everything is alright the way it is.

 

I don't know. Hope you have fun on your trip anyways. Try not to think about him too much when you're gone, which I know is easier said than done. When me and my Bf were broken up, I ran away to my friends house in Oregan (I live in Washington), and I still thought about him non-stop. But still try to have fun.

 

Nan

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sitting here reading your story Smile and I keep saying to myself - that is my story. That is the story I was about to tell. And now it is like I am dying to hear how yours works out so maybe it will give me an idea about mine...

 

please see my post called "Why can't I let him go?"

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Well he is gone. For 5 weeks. I dunno things have gotten so umm I dunno I cant explain it.

 

While I was gone he called me everyday. Just to talk, see how my trip was going. Asked me to come over the night I got home but I was too tired. So the next night he asked if he could take me out to dinner. So I said sure. We went out and went back to his place to watch a movie.

 

I have been staying the night with him pretty regularly and he has been staying here as well. Weird stuff has started happening. He has started to be uncredibly nice to me. Not like he was a jerk before or anything but it seems like he is more aware of how he is treating me.

 

He asks if I want anything to eat. He takes me out to dinner. He makes me dinner (twice). Invites me over to watch movies and wants me to help him arrange his bedroom. While he is gone he wants me to watch his puppy for him.

 

But more than that.. he has been complimenting me so much lately. We were eating Mexican food the other day and he said he was so interested in the culture and importance of family... maybe thats why he is so attracted to us mexicans. Then he said " yeh and you Mexicans are beautiful too, that helps". then he starts telling me what is so attractive about me, my eyes the shape of my face, my nose . He said he always loved my nose. Weird I know but it was sweet.

 

Then an other time he tells me how I have been nothing but sweet to him since the moment we met and how I am the nicest person he knows. He said that I was so thoughtful and incredibly sweet. I was hanging out with him and the dog and he just kept looking at me and smiling and he said "you are just so cute when you are with my puppy". The other day we were grocery shopping and we stood in two seperate lines, you know to see whose line was faster. Well he came over to my line and said he was lonely in his line. That he missed me while he was standing over there. Then he just kept telling me how pretty I was.

 

 

We sleep together and he just hugs me and smiles. The other morning he just kept kissing me until I had to get up and go to work. And sometimes I catch him smiling at me. This really weird cat who ate the canary grin.

 

He left in friday. And called me three times that night. Once to say he was going. Then to ask if I was watching the puppy (which I already agreed to) , then to ask if I would tape his favorite tv show when he was gone (something I also already agreed to). So I have no idea.

 

I hope this 5 weeks is an opportunity for him to think about what he wants. Thats all I wanted. I wanted to get here and have him leave with us on a good note so he can have this time to ponder it all. And I feel so content with myself right now.

 

I am having fun and I have friends and a life. I adore him of course, but I cant make him love me. Either this is the begining of everything.... or a very sweet end to something wonderful. Whatever it is I am ready to live it and learn from it. I am very content right now.

 

BTW on Valentines day he called me.. at 11:30pm. Almost at the end. He asked what I did. I went to the movies and out for coffee. We talked about the movie I saw and he fished around to see who I went with. I went with my roomate. He said he didnt have a date either. Just hung out with his puppy. He made a point to tell me he called to tell me happy valentines day. I am not sure why.

 

He wants me to go to NYC when his band is playing there... since I was going to see my best friend anyway. I dunno if I want to. I think I want that trip to be about me and her .... but I dunno. He did ask me. That would be after 3 weeks of him being gone.

 

Anyway thats my huge update... hope some of you were in the mood to read it.. sorry it was so long. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
strange love

He seems like he is really into you, from the way he is acting.

 

I think you just have a tendacy to over think and are still very insecure. I think once you realize he isnt going anywhere, you will find other things to worry about.

 

Honestly I only act the way he does when im like totally messed up high as a kite when im really into someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am getting scared because things are happening the same way they did the first time he left on tour.. before the breakdown , before the breakup. He is calling me 2- 3 times a day.

 

He doesnt want to hang out with his bandmates anymore. Says they are different ppl. Then he says that he just wants to be alone and is happiest when he can wander by himself. But that wandering is him on the phone with me.

 

He called me yesterday said he was going to dinner .. alone. Then he called back to tell me he had no silverware at the resturaunt. Let me know what he ordered and then talked to me until he could taste his food and tell me how it was. I had dinner with him via cellphone basically.

 

He even said it was starting to be like it was in the begining of the last tour. Even down to me telling him to calm down and wait it out.. convincing him that he just needs to get used to them and soon it will be more fun.

 

That scares me because of what happened last time he was on tour. Not like we are officially together but what if he decides he doesnt want me again? What if he comes home and decides it wont work ever and to stop even trying.... if thats what we are doing now.

 

I know I shouldnt worry so much. I know I am crazy. Because if he comes home and decides he wants to be with me then am I to suppose that everytime he goes on tour he makes big decisions involving us? And every other time we are ok and the others we arent?

 

I had a severely crapppy day yesterday. In which a mean person told me she had seen him back in Oct with that girl he was dating. This mean person asked if my ex had moved in with what she called "the woman in his life". And then she said that when she saw them together he seemed surprised she even talked to them. She said it doesnt make any difference to me. Why the hell doesnt it make any difference to her? She is my brother's mother in law.. practically family but it makes no difference to her. People are mean.

 

UGH!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...