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Need guidance/someone to hear me out


garviellloken

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garviellloken

So long story short: We met maybe 2 years ago. She's older than me (8 years). We started off purely as professional, but quickly evolved to a friendship. The friendship grew during the course of some months and we eventually became very close. She would tell me things that never told anyone before; asked me for advise; looked for solace in me; phoned/texted me randomly; was super sweet; etc. In time, she started giving hints/signs of romantic interest: stares; flirting; touching; nervousness around me; telling that I was charming; loved to be alone with me; introduced me to her family; hijacked most of my posts on FB/social media. We we're both dating other people, but our relationships weren't what we wanted; we seemed to be closer to each other to our partners. We never had sex or cheated on our partners though. My GF at the time broke up with me and I told my friend. Eventually, she broke up with her BF some 2 weeks later. I told her how I felt about her (by email) and she freaked out. Said (by email; sounded nervous) she never liked me more than as a brother, she couldn't reciprocate but hoped not to lose me as a friend. Truth is she started ignoring me completely, although I caught her staring at me with dilated pupils. She reached once before Christmas, because she had a problem with her email. I helped her, I thought things were ok and on Christmas I sent her a text wishing Merry Christmas. She replied coldly 3 days later. I got pissed and texted her asking what kind of friendship we had? She started running from the issue and started complaining about my feeling towards her? I said that was besides the point and told her that I thought she liked me too in a romantic way, but was hiding her true feelings. She got mad and rude. I started ignoring her from that point on. 6~8 months later she carefully texted me asking me to join her and some other people in a gathering. I was still hurt, but got along with it. In the first couple of days, I was cold towards her and she was trying hard to get my attention. Making jokes, smiling, bumping into me, staring, touching, etc. I started opening up more, and started being more talkative, giving her small kisses on the cheek, etc. One day, things were great. I kissed her on the cheek in a very telling way, touched her the waist and lower back and she seemed to like it. Her body language was great too. But from that day forward she became more aloof. More closed. I became closed too, because I thought that I was reading her signs wrong. A month ago, we we're at a party and she was nervous and jittery around me. She would start talking with me, but barely kept eye contact. I was very closed that day and very nervous too. I tried opening up more, but my confidence was low. She didn't see each other for a month. Yesterday, I came together at an event. She opened up talks, by saying that she never heard from me again and asked what I had been up too. We sat not far from each other. I caught her looking at me after the event, and I waited for her to stop talking to some people so that I could say goodbye. We were alone, but she was clearly more preoccupied in getting home. It was late and I offered to accompany her to her car. She declined saying that her car was nearby (and it was). I went to mine which was in another street. She passed by the same street clearly looking for me and said goodbye. Today I sent her an email with a joke, to each she didn't reply.

 

Is she interested or not? The mixed messages and aloofness are getting to me and I don't know how to proceed. I'm afraid of showing too much interest and get her spooked; I'm also afraid of getting rejected again. What to do?

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garviellloken
I see the messages, but they sure are not mixed. This is not going to happen. Sorry, man

 

Can you be more specific? Because sometimes she seems to trying to get my attention; and others she just seems closed.

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I told her how I felt about her (by email) and she freaked out. Said (by email; sounded nervous) she never liked me more than as a brother, she couldn't reciprocate but hoped not to lose me as a friend.

 

She was clear with you. You're reading way too much into tiny, meaningless things she does in hopes that she wants to date you. She keeps backing off because she said she wants to be friends, if anything, but you keep pushing the issue.

 

One day, things were great. I kissed her on the cheek in a very telling way, touched her the waist and lower back and she seemed to like it. Her body language was great too. But from that day forward she became more aloof. More closed.

 

She said she just wanted to be friends but then you touch her waist and lower back after kissing her on the cheek? She keeps backing away from you when you push the dating issue.

 

Like Keenly said, it's not going to happen - you two aren't going to date.

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read up and learn about the "friendzone." you are horribly trapped in it.

 

 

She is using you for nurturing and ego strokes and emotional support and help with things around the house and in her life, but she has no romantic/sexual feelings for you (or if she does, she is suppressing them so deep that they are irrelevant anyway)

 

 

She is basically using you for validation and support and an emotional tampon and she is providing you nothing in return. She is using you. she is causing you more angst in your life than any benefit. That is the definition of toxic.

 

 

I'll give you some credit here, you made your move and put it out on the table. you did what you needed to do and made your offer. Good on you.

 

 

Unfortunately she rejected you. That was her prerogative. Take the rejection as a bona fide rejection and move along and leave her behind.

 

 

You did your job in telling her your feelings and your wishes for the type of relationship you wanted with her. She wasn't on the same page. So just move along and leave her behind and find someone else that does want a full-service relationship with you.

 

 

And my advice going into the future is never let yourself get stuck being an errand-boy and emotional tampon in the friendzone again. take a real relationship or nothing approach. Either you are in a real relationship or nothing. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into the friendzone where you are doing errands, offering support, advice and wisdom, fixing cars, fixing computers etc etc. Those are things men do for their wives and GFs. Wives and GFs have romantic and sexual activities with their husbands and BFs. Never mix up those two things again. If a woman ain't doing you, don't be fixing her stuff, wiping tears out her eyes or being her emotional support system.

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garviellloken
She was clear with you. You're reading way too much into tiny, meaningless things she does in hopes that she wants to date you. She keeps backing off because she said she wants to be friends, if anything, but you keep pushing the issue.

 

 

 

She said she just wanted to be friends but then you touch her waist and lower back after kissing her on the cheek? She keeps backing away from you when you push the dating issue.

 

Like Keenly said, it's not going to happen - you two aren't going to date.

 

She started with the touching. I merely started to reciprocate to keep things going and stop being cold and aloof myself. She liked it.

 

Then why the early signs: flirting, touching, introducing to parents and family?

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She started with the touching. I merely started to reciprocate to keep things going and stop being cold and aloof myself. She liked it.

 

Then why the early signs: flirting, touching, introducing to parents and family?

 

She likes the attention, having you be all about her. It gives her the ego boost and a feeling of power and desirability. Unfortunately, for you she's only doing enough to hold your attention. There's nothing in it for you but disappointment. Even if you managed to get a little closer and take her out, she's just going to drive you crazy with the push-pull routine. She derives pleasure from keeping you tied in knots and that's just who she is. You only good option is to back way off. She may come back around encouraging you to reengage. At that point you take control and make everything on your terms. You probably can't win, but you can preserve your dignity and self-respect.

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She wants you attention but for some reason she doesn't want you in committed relationship. You should be cirm and honest. Tell her that for now you are not ready to be just a friend and need to stay away. Then just ignore her. If she really wants you she would cave in otherwise move on

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SoThatHappened

Dude,

 

She's not doing anything. She's not being manipulative, she's not giving mixed signals. You're just reading WAY too much into this.

 

She's not into you.

 

Tough love coming:

 

You're a pussy. Women don't like pussies. Stop being a pussy.

 

You need to experience and learn SO much, I actually feel sorry for you. However, if you take the time to learn to be strong and not read into every little thing, you have a chance to be a man.

 

You have a long, long way to go. Do what you can to move forward on being independent and strong.

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She started with the touching. I merely started to reciprocate to keep things going and stop being cold and aloof myself. She liked it.

 

Then why the early signs: flirting, touching, introducing to parents and family?

 

 

All of my friends have touched me but that doesn't mean they want to date me. They have introduced me to their families. And on rare occasion, the guys flirt with me. We're friends.

 

Believe what she says. She was plain about it. She wants to be friends.

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