surferchic Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Hello all. I left my ex-fiance almost a year and 1/2 ago,then went back after a week when he asked me to come back. We tried making it work but I felt like we moved too fast ever since we first met and he didn't change his ways that made me want to leave the first time. So this last time I felt it was necessary for us to make a long term break. I felt like he tried punishing me upon my return so that lead up to me really wanting to bail. I think he expected me to come back or not go through with the breakup but I didn't try stopping our separation. We were NC for about 2 months here and there but we'd reach out to one another periodically to keep the other informed about serious matters or to check on one another. Yes I've missed him and he's told me the same. He called one morning to see if I wanted to connect since he was in my area,but I wasn't available. I never rescheduled. He got a bit cold after that, but I eventually reached out and we've maintained contact since. He told me he thought about me while in the store the other day and wanted to let me know. That made me miss him more. On Monday I had an accident and broke my wrist. I texted my girlfriend who's out of town, my mom and him. He immediately asked where I was and came to my aid, put his plans on hold , took me to the hospital and stayed with me all day. I miss him more. Yes he's checked on me since the accident and I don't wanna jump to conclusions and use this as a time to reconcile anything, but I miss him...I miss us. Should I use this time to reach out to him more or no? Should I try being forthright and tell him that he's still heavy on my mind and that I'd like us to talk at some point. Or should I just text and stay cordial without telling him that I miss him/us...? Your feedback is very much needed. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I'd say it's all up to you and depends on what you're willing to deal with from him. Like, had he changed and how will you really know if he has or not? How will you both take it slow while essentially getting to know one another all over again. I'm sure it's exciting idealizing being with him again, just take it slow. I read your older thread... Seems like he's a fast mover. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted November 7, 2015 Author Share Posted November 7, 2015 Thanks for the feedback. Should I be direct in letting him know that I want to see if we can work things out and/or at least make time to discuss whether we both want to try it again or not? Anyone's advice is welcome... Thnx Link to post Share on other sites
foam12 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 I would tread lightly and wouldn't overwhelm him with everything at once. My ex broke up with me about two weeks ago and I asked for her back, and have been moving on pretty good the past few days. The first few days I did want her back, but she did a number on my heart and I realize you can't go back that easily; we would need to almost start all over again and slowly to make sure it is for the right reasons and things have changed from before. I would do the same thing as your ex if she called me because I will always care for her, but unlike before I would now have to think about a second chance whereas before I practically begged for it. I would say a little different if you didn't leave him each time, but being dumped or left does a number on a person... Just some thoughts as each person and couple are different. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Success usually happens in a reconnect if one or both have made changes. There's been enough time, worth pursuing... and you can set some new ground rules on how to succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 Thanks guys. I never went back to him. Things just faded... Even if I did want to try to reconnect on a deeper level, he would've expected me to chase him since I initiated breakup. He's said to me once before that I should be more than eager to initiate reparing things since I initiated the BO... I understand how someone could have that perspective but I refused to chase him or any man especially when I left him for a reason. I do miss him even though I've seen other people since then. It's just a somewhat unfortunate situation. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 You obviously ended things with him for a reason. Has he changed so that those reasons no longer exist? If not, don't go back to him - because you'll only end up dissatisfied again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 You obviously ended things with him for a reason. Has he changed so that those reasons no longer exist? If not, don't go back to him - because you'll only end up dissatisfied again. Yep, I did leave for a reason... There's only one thing that he's changed that I know of and that's drinking. And still,I'm only going off what he told me. Plus, thing is...when we were together he tried hiding his drinking. I didn't even know that he was a drinker until after I told him I wanted to leave him... I noticed the one last time we went out (I had already promised to go to this event with him) he was tipsy then flat out noticeably drunk. And on a prior occasion I noticed how almost careless he was while holding and feeding his daughter . it was really baffling....only because when we first met--->>> he tried telling me that one reason things didn't work out between few other women was their drinking, etc. I have never been a drinker or smoker so that wasn't an issue for me. If he would've been honest then we couldn't dealt with it but all the time we were together he was basically hiding that from me. --->>> and it would gradually manifest itself in his mood swings ,etc. When I called him on some of his b.s. he got real defensive obviously because he always tried acting holier than though rather than just being a balanced individual. So I'm not sure if he was always struggling with substance abuse/use or our breakup made him use ....more... Either way, its insignificant now. It just gives me more of a reason not to initiate anything with him. Even though in his mind ,I should definitely be the one to initiate anything at this point since it was my decision to break up....oh well... Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 You made a good decision OP. I think it's normal though to have these thoughts if him. He was a big part of your life at one time. But try to to keep things into perspective...i.e. He sounds pretty unhealthy for you and himself as well, so it seems. Thing is, relationships are so unpredictable and you never know when or if you'll rekindle an old flame. Just be advised, this may be one that is very toxic. Be safe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JL34 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 "Thanks guys. I never went back to him. Things just faded... Even if I did want to try to reconnect on a deeper level, he would've expected me to chase him since I initiated breakup. He's said to me once before that I should be more than eager to initiate reparing things since I initiated the BO... I understand how someone could have that perspective but I refused to chase him or any man especially when I left him for a reason. I do miss him even though I've seen other people since then. It's just a somewhat unfortunate situation." ___________________ It sounds to me you still have feelings for him. Is sending a text or light message really "chasing" at this point? If anything its a sign to him that he should try a little more on his end - if that is what you want. If I was on the fence with my feelings I would make a move so I never had to wake up wondering - but that's me. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 "Thanks guys. I never went back to him. Things just faded... Even if I did want to try to reconnect on a deeper level, he would've expected me to chase him since I initiated breakup. He's said to me once before that I should be more than eager to initiate reparing things since I initiated the BO... I understand how someone could have that perspective but I refused to chase him or any man especially when I left him for a reason. I do miss him even though I've seen other people since then. It's just a somewhat unfortunate situation." ___________________ It sounds to me you still have feelings for him. Is sending a text or light message really "chasing" at this point? If anything its a sign to him that he should try a little more on his end - if that is what you want. If I was on the fence with my feelings I would make a move so I never had to wake up wondering - but that's me. Best of luck. Thanks. So even with the points I mentioned, do you not think they are deal breakers? Plus , we've both started seeing other people... And he's rather busy and me leaving him. He said once that, no woman would/should ever want to leave him... Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
cornbread103 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I'm in the same position. Broke up with someone and considering reconciliation. I think my gut knows it's the wrong idea though. I really want to do it but i just can't make the step of contact, it's too painful. Reading this i really think that we are probably exes for a reason. There are so many other people out there, it's a shame to keep hurting ourselves with the same person 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JL34 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I don't know the reason for the breakup - if it's something that can be corrected through communication fine. If not, don't waste your time. I've read a lot on this site as well as the getyourex back sites. The one thing I noticed ,imo, is that this can be a really negative place. I don't know if people are just hurt/burned or I'm just that stupid. For example, I posted a thread earlier after showing up yesterday at my exs home unannounced. I know just about everyone on this site would say - never ever do that, just go no contact, ignore her, move on, play mind games, etc. However I went anyway and although she didn't say I want you back, it was pretty damn positive in my opinion. I was destroyed by some regardless. Who knows what's going to happen - she probably tells me to move on and go away at some point. Regardless, I decided I needed to say some things. I love this women with all my heart and I am never going to wake up someday and say to myself "I had too much pride" or was too afraid of her saying no. Not saying this is the right way. I'm saying sometimes making a move might bring some peace of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 (edited) I'm in the same position. Broke up with someone and considering reconciliation. I think my gut knows it's the wrong idea though. I really want to do it but i just can't make the step of contact, it's too painful. Reading this i really think that we are probably exes for a reason. There are so many other people out there, it's a shame to keep hurting ourselves with the same person I empathize with you cornbread. Listen to your gut. I don't have a big problem reaching out to text and say hello, but I refuse to do any real work like call and try to meet up and discuss us or beg him for anything. He'll respond, but he's stubborn and bitter so he won't do but so much. He asked to see me several months ago, but I cancelled on him respectfully. Since then I doubt he'll ever initiate anything else. So I let him stay in his bitterness without feeling the need chase him. That's what some people expect. Shucks, I even have the nerve to want him to pursue/chase me and I'm the one who initiated the breakup. An alpha male has a huge ego and I know this to be true... Edited February 15, 2016 by surferchic Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 I don't know the reason for the breakup - if it's something that can be corrected through communication fine. If not, don't waste your time. I've read a lot on this site as well as the getyourex back sites. The one thing I noticed ,imo, is that this can be a really negative place. I don't know if people are just hurt/burned or I'm just that stupid. For example, I posted a thread earlier after showing up yesterday at my exs home unannounced. I know just about everyone on this site would say - never ever do that, just go no contact, ignore her, move on, play mind games, etc. However I went anyway and although she didn't say I want you back, it was pretty damn positive in my opinion. I was destroyed by some regardless. Who knows what's going to happen - she probably tells me to move on and go away at some point. Regardless, I decided I needed to say some things. I love this women with all my heart and I am never going to wake up someday and say to myself "I had too much pride" or was too afraid of her saying no. Not saying this is the right way. I'm saying sometimes making a move might bring some peace of mind. You're soooo right JL. People can be pretty negative because they sometimes expect others to deal with hurt like they do. One thing I know is that while people are busy trying to tell u what to do, they're making themselves either happy or more bitter. I don't do the NO CONTACT thing. Because what I know about being human, is that I must allow yourself to grieve in ways that are best for oneself. If not, the process is just delayed and you're going around faking it then crying behind closed doors. I admire you for going to her unannounced. Women really do like to see initiative from men. I'd have balance when reaching out and showing up, but do what gives you peace of mind. I did text my ex to say hello and hope all is well. He responded aw minutes later with a pleasant text thanking me and saying he hoped things were week with me and my family too. But nothing further, so it stopped there. I have a peace of mind only because he knows why I left him and that I'm not a mean spirited person I know that too! I guess I still needed to reach out periodically is because he just comes to mind sometimes and I know his ego was hurt by me telling him I wanted to leave. And cancelling the first time he tried to see me didn't help the situation... A while ago we communicated that we were seeing other people, but for some reason I still feel the need to communicate periodically. Not even sure if he's still seeing someone but I feel like the next time we make contact he'll be saying he's about to get married or have a kid... Geez... Link to post Share on other sites
JL34 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Do what you feel comfortable with of course. But I would not text how are you doing - too vague. State a reason for the text if you can think of one that may prompt a response. Its really hard work getting someone to love you. Think about what you'd text someone you've only been dating for three weeks - you wouldn't say how are you doing, right? You'd come up with something a little more clever or thoughtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Do what you feel comfortable with of course. But I would not text how are you doing - too vague. State a reason for the text if you can think of one that may prompt a response. Its really hard work getting someone to love you. Think about what you'd text someone you've only been dating for three weeks - you wouldn't say how are you doing, right? You'd come up with something a little more clever or thoughtful. Thanks. I don't think my aim is getting him to love me,but moreso to respond w/more than a few generic words. So in that regard, yes I probably should've crafted a more clever text... I suck at this stuff. Really I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I empathize with you cornbread. Listen to your gut. I don't have a big problem reaching out to text and say hello, but I refuse to do any real work like call and try to meet up and discuss us or beg him for anything. He'll respond, but he's stubborn and bitter so he won't do but so much. He asked to see me several months ago, but I cancelled on him respectfully. Since then I doubt he'll ever initiate anything else. So I let him stay in his bitterness without feeling the need chase him. That's what some people expect. Shucks, I even have the nerve to want him to pursue/chase me and I'm the one who initiated the breakup. An alpha male has a huge ego and I know this to be true... Well, people who are dumped are taught not to pursue the person that dumped them. If they break it, they make the effort to fix it, and I don't find anything wrong with that. That being said, if you don't 100 percent want him back, then don't waste your time with it. But in general, if you break something and you want it back, then yes, it's on you to make an effort. But there's no reason to force if if it doesn't feel right. In fact, you shouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Well, people who are dumped are taught not to pursue the person that dumped them. If they break it, they make the effort to fix it, and I don't find anything wrong with that. That being said, if you don't 100 percent want him back, then don't waste your time with it. But in general, if you break something and you want it back, then yes, it's on you to make an effort. But there's no reason to force if if it doesn't feel right. In fact, you shouldn't. Thanks, what you said makes sense... There are intangibles in each relationship that add more color to the situation I'm pondering. At this point though, I think it's wise that I not do anything further. He tried making my time with him pretty hellish once I told him I planned to leave. So I can only imagine how spiteful he'd try to be at this point, i.e. causing both us to move out of our place together, moving expenses, emotional turmoil, etc... I guess I'll just sit with my singleness for now... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 There's nothing wrong with being single. Definitely don't force a failed relationship out of fear -- that's a horrible idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author surferchic Posted February 17, 2016 Author Share Posted February 17, 2016 Thanks, what you said makes sense... There are intangibles in each relationship that add more color to the situation I'm pondering. At this point though, I think it's wise that I not do anything further. He tried making my time with him pretty hellish once I told him I planned to leave. So I can only imagine how spiteful he'd try to be at this point, i.e. causing both us to move out of our place together, moving expenses, emotional turmoil, etc... I guess I'll just sit with my singleness for now... Just to correct my last sentence in the paragraph, the "I.e..." should've come after "once I told him I planned to leave." Not sure if that makes any difference, just wanted to correct that. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
fiskadoro Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 If you can't be bothered to make any effort beyond a simple hello text, why are you still bothering him? Either leave him alone or make an effort to fix things. You've discussed why you don't want to be with him, but you seem to expect him to reply to you and stroke your ego when you so obviously feel doing the same is beneath you. Is that a good way to rekindle any sort of relationship? Goodness, you dumped him! Where is your sense of fairness???? When you want to date someone who plainly wants to date you, AND you broke up with them, the onus is on you to fix what you've broken. If you aren't interested in fixing it, bow out gracefully and cleanly. Sorry, but I think it's quite cheeky to expect replies from someone you continually reject. It sounds like a competition at this point, and one you plan to win. Very unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted February 18, 2016 Share Posted February 18, 2016 I kind of agree with there previous poster. Your ex has feelings too... However, the reasons you left him are most likely enough to give anyone pause. If he was possessive then that puts sn even greater spin to things. The choice is ultimately yours regardless, but I'm almost certain he's sitting back thinking, "there's no way in earth I'm about to chase this ***** after what she put me through, when he himself played a great role in this situation. Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine and as one of the posters said in my thread, "anger is a man's most dominant emotion..." I think I agree with that. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Usually once you leave someone, they don't come back. Not on their own anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Usually once you leave someone, they don't come back. Not on their own anyway... They SURE can... seen it many times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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