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Men and Rebound Relationships?


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Similar Situation

Hi,

 

My sad story is that my ex bf of 4 yrs started up with another ex gf of his right away. In fact, he was setting things up with her (flirting over email) before he officially broke up with me. To be fair, he only started the heavy duty flirting with her after I broke up with him. (I'd asked him back right away. There was a 6 wk lag between the breakups we each initiated.) I only know about this other woman because I went into his email.

 

We were going through a very rocky patch toward the last few months there, and it is clear to me that he did this because he needed consolation on feeling like our break up was inevitable. I don't doubt that he genuinely loved me, as he had always called me the "love of his life." And from what he's told me about her, although I know he has great affection for her, I'm also fairly confident that their affair won't last.

 

But I really do wonder what it's like for him. He's really not a bad person, but it's really hard for me to fathom how he can sweet-talk her, tell her he loves her, and sleep with her - just a few weeks after being absolutely crushed about our break up? Can he be aware he's using her? Is it possible he's not? Any men out there who've done something like this? Can you help me understand? Maybe most importantly - is it possible he's stopped thinking about me, and has fallen out of love with me so quickly?

 

Thanks in advance for any helpful insight. This forum has a lot of cool peeps.

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LucreziaBorgia
Originally posted by Similar Situation

Maybe most importantly - is it possible he's stopped thinking about me, and has fallen out of love with me so quickly?

 

Falling out of love is never quick. It is a slow, gradual thing - that only seems abrupt and sudden because the person who fell out of love failed to inform you of when it was happening. Its likely he made the emotional break a lot longer ago than you think (it may have even started when you broke up with him the first time), and just chose to let his emotional involvement coast down until it reached a point where breaking up with you wasn't difficult for him. He may have told you it was difficult, but I expect the only difficult part was the guilt in knowing that it was hurting you. Keep in mind, that as he was coasting down with you, he was ramping up with the other woman - laying the groundwork while he let his love for you die slowly. Then when he was finished with your relationship, he just took up with the one he was working on.

 

I doubt he is thinking about you much. He made his emotional break some time before breaking up. He broke up with you this time, not the other way around - so his involvement with this girl may not necessarily be a rebound. If you had broken up with him just a few weeks ago and he was involved with some random woman - then I'd be likely to see that as a rebound, but knowing that he initiated the breakup makes me less likely to think that - because breakups are generally preceded by a period of emotional detachment. There is also the matter of him nurturing the relationship with this other woman over the period of time where he was letting your relationship die.

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Grudgingly, I have to say that Lucrezia makes sense. My ex broke it off with me 3.5 months ago and then supposedly met this new bloke whom she said she will marry coz he is the one. I found this insance as she is a very rational and logical person and to say these kinds of things after knowing someone for such a short time didn't make sense. Then it dawned on me that this had been going on even when we were living together and that she had slowly detached herself from me.

 

Now I understand why she said we were like roommates. It wasn't me, it was her. She also said many things about me prior to her leaving on how I did not improve or how bad I was etc. So I was despondent for over two months thinking if I did this or that etc. I finally reliazed that no mattter what I did, she was leaving already and was looking to justify her actions and thinking by putting me down. This weekend, she returned from a two week vacation with her new beau to see each others' parents.

 

Best thing is, I still love her. What an idiot! I still want her back. I tried to move on but sufferred a relapse five days ago. Second chances? I don;t know.....like you, I want to tell her so much and iron things out and understand her motivations and thoughts. But this is gone, she is out of my life and we both know that since we are the dumpee, the dumpers have the control over us since we are still entertaining thoughts of reconciliation. I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see but can't help thinking or letting go.

 

Sorry, I am not much help here but hopefully in my ramblings above, you will be able to glean some useful info. I can only commisserate now for I am not in the right frame of mind to offer good advice. Hopefully this negative feeling we have will soon pass. Cheers.

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SimilarSituation

Thanks Lucrezia,

 

Extremely hard to hear, but what you say makes sense.

 

I am struggling to move on, but at the same time I can't help but want to leave a door open for "maybe one day." In our first 2 years, before we moved in together, there were a lot of breakups, but we always found our way back to each other. In one of those breakups, he started dating someone else, but after a few months, came back more devoted than ever. I think of this one as a rebound, because he had told me about how their relationship never worked as she was so needy.

 

It's been 4 weeks since he broke up with me. We'd agreed not to speak for awhile, but I did write a loving goodbye email about 3 weeks ago. Then he sent me a x-mas present. I don't know whether I should send a brief thank you email or no. Any thoughts on which action would be better, ie ensure he calls me one day?

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First of all: It's impossible to "ensure" he'll call you some day.

 

That being said, It's entirely up to you and how you feel. Since he left, have you been loving yourself? Have you been focussing on yourself and your own needs outside of your desire to be with your ex?

Only contact him if you feel really confident with yourself. Only contact him if you think you'll be comfortable with however he respondes or doesn't respond. He no longer has any obligation to you.

Basically, only contact him if you really think you'll be at your best and make a positive experience of the whole thing. You can't express any neediness, insecurity, or lack of self-esteem. You must express the opposite, but only if the feelings are genuine. If they are not, then you are not ready and should not contact him.

His new girlfriend is exactly that...his girlfriend. So if you contact him, you have to respect that. You can not think of her as the competition, but as a thinking feeling person.

 

Now - if you can handle all of that and you still love him, then you can ask (not beg or demand) to spend time together. But, honestly, it is very rare that dumpees can handle all of this. Most people would recommend against it and in most cases I would too. But search you heart and try to see whether or not this is something you can truly handle. Don't worry. Most people can't. It's ok. But nothing is worse than contacting an ex and being all desperate and pathetic.

 

In any case, always love yourself and be patient. Start dating other people and move on with your life. It goes without saying that the longer he's away from you, the more likely you are to find someone new. He knows that whether you contact him or not.

 

Good Luck.

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SimilarSituation

Thanks Universe.

 

I know what you say is totally right. Just after I posted my last in this thread, I thought to myself that it was ridiculous to be hoping for some day. I have self-esteem issues and need to work on them. Somewhere in my head, I know that a relationship or real friendship is not possible now, and may never be.

 

But the email would be a simple thank you, and not an expectation for further communication. Just I hate to think he would think I'm still hurt. On the hand, I hate that sending even the briefest of emails somehow seems like putting the ball back in his court. I wish I could take control of the situation by starting total NC now. But I don't want him to think I am suffering (though I am)... ee. I guess I am leaning towards NC because I shouldn't be motivated by what he would think.

 

Thanks for input all.

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If anyone else in your life had sent you a x-mas present, you would think it rude not to at least email a thankyou. Right? So don't be rude. A simple thank you would be totally appropriate.

 

But no matter what, DO NOT gush on him. Keep it as short and concise as possible. No antagonism. No gushing your feelings all over him. No expectations. Just say thank you for the gift and maybe comment on it (if you like it or how you'll use it, etc.) But that's it! Don't mention the relationship or anything serious like that.

 

Short, friendly, simple!

 

Then, NC is probably the best thing for you for a while. If you're having self-esteem issues, you need to stop everything and focus on that right away. You're no good to him or yourself until you can work that out.

 

I'm in a very similar situation. With her for 5 years, broke up 3.5 months ago, she went straight to someone else. During and after the break up I knew I had a lot of personal issues to work through that included self-esteem issues, insecurity, jealousy, identity crisis, and neediness among others. So I went straight to work on myself and did not bother with her. After a few weeks or so I had gained a lot of self confidence and understanding. Eventually I was comfortable enough with the situation to start hanging out with her again. Gradually we've become more and more comfortable with each other. Finally, last week she opened up to me and I became, in her words, the only person she can really talk to about anything important.

 

We're not back together and are probably still a ways off. We may never get back together. But there's been a sort of reversal of strength. Now she sees me as the strong one and she is the one with personal issues. She knows how I feel, so I don't vocalize it. Instead, when I'm with her I focus on her and remain confident and comfortable with everything that is me. On my own, I focus enitirely on myself (or at least as much as I possibly can) and try to minimize thoughts of her.

 

Whether or not you want to end up like me, i.e. in a state of limbo/friendzone, you need to take the next few weeks or months or however long it takes to get your self-esteem and self-confidence together. Only after you've done that can you be capable of deciding whether ot not to do what I'm doing. Most people would recommend against it. Most will recommend that you keep up NC indefinitely. But I believe there's a line between taking time for self-healing and being childish and rude to an ex. If they are childish and rude to you, then get them out of your life and keep them out. Regardless, be strong, be an adult, and don't get overwhelmed in false hope. False hope makes you hurt and gives you cognitive dissonance. True hope is electric and gives you energy.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Be good to yourself.

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SimilarSituation

Universe,

 

mind sharing how you worked on yourself post breakup in more specific terms?

 

For 3+ weeks I've been reading books on relationships & self-esteem, actually doing the cognitive therapy exercises, walking miles a day and conducting some heavy duty soul searching. I feel like I understand many of the mistakes I made in my relationship. And sort of feel closer to myself as an individual. Also I started therapy and got on anti-depressant meds.

 

I've had my good days, but it's always cycled back to sad days. Today being particularly bad because of Lucrezia's harsh words (don't get me wrong, I totally appreciated the perspective).

 

Once I recover, I know I will be left with believing that the breakup was for the best and that I will still love my ex as a person. Meanwhile, the obsessive thoughts and sad feelings persist in intruding. I wish I could succeed in recovering as you have, and I mean about rebuilding your self-assurance. At this point, I'm determined to stop fantasizing about a second (fifth or sixth, actually) chance.

 

Would love some guidance on how one works out their issues like self-esteem and neediness.

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For 3+ weeks I've been reading books on relationships & self-esteem, actually doing the cognitive therapy exercises, walking miles a day and conducting some heavy duty soul searching. I feel like I understand many of the mistakes I made in my relationship. And sort of feel closer to myself as an individual. Also I started therapy and got on anti-depressant meds.

 

Ok - well. That's it. What you are doing is basically it. The above is essentially what I did. But don't be confused. I'm not healed. Today I feel the best I've felt in a while. But I'm by no means over it. I'm still hoping to get her back.

But all those things you're doing will really help if you continue. One thing you didn't mention, however, that was one of the best things for me was relaxation. I'm in Florida so I am able to spend time relaxing outside and reading on the beach during these winter months. I fear you are not so fortunate. But fresh air and calm meditation are key. Also - I started reading fiction. I read Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.H. Lawrence at first. It was very therapeutic. Reading is a good way to cope with loneliness and it breathes fire into the soul.

 

The only other thing is time. Try to be patient with yourself. It's perfectly normal to obsess over someone you loved for so long and shared so much with. People will tell you to move on and get over it, but that doesn't help at all. Just don't let it consume you. Stand up. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye and believe in yourself. Ask yourself, "Do I really want to be depressed and miserable my entire life? No. I haven't lived this long and come this far to give up now." At least that's what I said. You can answer for yourself.

 

Though I stand by my statements from my previous posts, I fear I might be giving you false hope. Our situations are different in that your ex went back to a previous girlfriend. That reduces the likelihood that it's just a fling. But then again, it could be. Breakups are very hard for the dumper too and are a very confusing time. His reaction is typical of someone trying to minimize their own pain.

 

I agree with most of what Lucrezia said. The part about him coasting down with you while ramping up with someone else is the worst case scenario and may very well be the case. But you don't know that for sure.

 

I'm afraid of giving false hope here. But one thing about these forums is that the advice is the same 95% of the time. Everyone says do NC and get over it as fast as possible and forget your ex no matter what. Almost no one is an exception no matter what their situation is. In a way it's good because that's what people should do in a lot of cases. But in my experience, I feel I've benefited from maintaining contact. There's a middle road I think. It seems that for most people who maintain contact, they too easily overdo it, i.e. begging, demanding, smothering, and not focussing on their own issues first. I've kept my contact minimal, but made the most of every meeting. It's been really painful and everytime we part, that hole in my heart cracks wide open and I'm left hurting and confused. But only showing my ex the best of me has really improved rapport and we have reestablished a certain closeness. The benefit is that this closeness has forced me to realize that she really did love me and the last thing she ever wanted was to hurt me. So now I feel lucky that she loved me so well when she did. It's not at all unfair that she now gets to benefit from my love for her without reciprocity because I know she truly did everything and tried with all her heart to make our relationship last. Breaking up was a really confusing and painful time for both of us. Sleeping with someone else was just something she felt she needed. Even though it hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me, I'm not going to hold it against her. It's just the way things turned out.

 

So I'm not sure if I'm the person who should be giving you guidance. You just have to get on with your life. Go out with friends. Try to make new ones. Even if you feel lousy, go out anyways. Decide that you're going to get through this. Decide to start right away. There will be plenty of time to think about your ex later. It'll be easier to deal with the pain later.

 

Obey your instincts and not your impulses. Impulses are born out of fear, neediness, and insecurity. Instincts come from your soul.

 

The fundamentals are the same whether you maintain contact or not.

 

All the best.

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helena abadi

...Obey your instincts and not your impulses. Impulses are born out of fear, neediness, and insecurity. Instincts come from your soul....

 

 

I like that. It resonates with me very strongly. And I liked what you wrote. It felt really, really genuine. And made me feel a bit better on a very ****ty day when I'm struggling with disallusionment.

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Similar Situation,

 

I would probably send a thank you letter or e-mail for the Christmas present. I'd make it short.

 

I think the reason why these websites all encourage NC and to move on is because if you're the dumpee that's really the only thing you can do. What are your other options? Grovel, call repeatedly, e-mail incessantly pleading for them to come back, knock on their door all day screaming "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE"!!! You just look like a fool and may even get yourself arrested.....which will bring you on to your next BIG problem.

 

What good does harrassing an ex solve? Sure a few notes back and forth or maybe even the random call might be okay. I think the point is that you have no choice but to move on if you are the dumpee and your ex has possibly done something horrible to you and is telling you to move on. Everyone else on these boards basically is just telling you to do the same thing.

 

If your ex is trying to stay in your life.....then it's for you to decide if you want that or not. I do think the buffer of a few months is a good amount of time to truly practice NC after a relationship ends. I think this is more of a benefit to the dumpee. During the first few months (maybe even three to six months) the dumpee goes through a range of emotions. They may feel needy and more vulnerable. Finding other outlets (besides the ex) for this neediness is a good thing. You may take up new hobbies, get therapy, travel, find yourself....whatever. Then after you feel like you've filled in the gaps a bit, I don't think it's such a bad idea to have periodic contact with an ex if you can handle it. Only you know if you can handle it. And by the way......only you really know YOUR situation. So always take all advice with that knowledge. But if your ex has a new girlfriend (even if you were the dumper) I think it's hard to stay in touch with them. I think it's too painful.

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Similar Situation,

 

I would probably send a thank you letter or e-mail for the Christmas present. I'd make it short.

 

I think the reason why these websites all encourage NC and to move on is because if you're the dumpee that's really the only thing you can do. What are your other options? Grovel, call repeatedly, e-mail incessantly pleading for them to come back, knock on their door all day screaming "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE"!!! You just look like a fool and may even get yourself arrested.....which will bring you on to your next BIG problem.

 

What good does harrassing an ex solve? Sure a few notes back and forth or maybe even the random call might be okay. I think the point is that you have no choice but to move on if you are the dumpee and your ex has possibly done something horrible to you and is telling you to move on. Everyone else on these boards basically is just telling you to do the same thing.

 

If your ex is trying to stay in your life.....then it's for you to decide if you want that or not. I do think the buffer of a few months is a good amount of time to truly practice NC after a relationship ends. I think this is more of a benefit to the dumpee. During the first few months (maybe even three to six months) the dumpee goes through a range of emotions. They may feel needy and more vulnerable. Finding other outlets (besides the ex) for this neediness is a good thing. You may take up new hobbies, get therapy, travel, find yourself....whatever. Then after you feel like you've filled in the gaps a bit, I don't think it's such a bad idea to have periodic contact with an ex if you can handle it. Only you know if you can handle it. And by the way......only you really know YOUR situation. So always take all advice with that knowledge. But if your ex has a new girlfriend (even if you were the dumper) I think it's hard to stay in touch with them. I think it's too painful.

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