mawkij Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 been 27 days nocontact...she dumped me and no longer answered my txt or get my call....I cnt stop thinking of reasons and I mean (real reasons) I figured out a lot...but yet never sure.....and feel that urge to ask her helplessly to do me a favour and tell me honestly what went through her mind.....I let go I swear ...but I need to understand to move on...I wont stand the feeling that the reason was something out of her hands or sth she thought it cnt be fixed...any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Closure comes from within. Asking her this question will only spur more questions -- if she gives you an answer in the first place. I understand why you feel the way you feel, but the further away from this you'll get, you'll realize that the answer to your questions doesn't matter. Even if you somehow got the answer and it didn't make you want to ask more questions, it doesn't change the fact that your relationship is over. You aren't going to be able to use the information to manipulate her into taking you back and even if you could, would you really want to? Don't chase her for closure, continue No Contact and leave her alone. If you do that, in time you'll get your own closure. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 been 27 days nocontact...she dumped me and no longer answered my txt or get my call....I cnt stop thinking of reasons and I mean (real reasons) I figured out a lot...but yet never sure.....and feel that urge to ask her helplessly to do me a favour and tell me honestly what went through her mind.....I let go I swear ...but I need to understand to move on...I wont stand the feeling that the reason was something out of her hands or sth she thought it cnt be fixed...any advice? You got closure when she(presumably) ended the relationship. The truth is, thats all the "closure" you ever really need. Idk how your relationship played out, but if you were good to her she will eventually reach out to you. But as long as you are texting her, you will remain that little thorn in her side. Women close doors far faster than men on average, but in the long run, I notice that they always come back for more. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 For me, closure was accepting that it was over and dedicating my time to moving on. It's not about understanding, to a tee, all that happened because that is impossible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 My advice would be to give it time and stick to nc. If she dumped you and stopped responding, it's on her to open up further. If she doesn't, that reflects on her. I know it's frustrating to not get closure from someone, but she's obviously not equipped to give it, so you gotta let go. Let go and let God, is my motto. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) I've been the dumpee and the dumper. I preferred to be dumped. The dumpee can never understand the mind and motives of the dumper bc the dumpee doesn't want to be dumped. The dumpee convinces themselves the dumper's reasons are not accurate or reasonable or insists they warped. You'll never get it from the dumpee's perspective. Closure takes time and healing. Edited January 24, 2015 by Rainbowlove Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Please Please Please stop trying to wonder what she is thinking! You have to stop this. To me this is the #1 thing that kills us after someone breaks up with us. Who cares WTF she is thinking! She walked away from you. Her silence is telling you everything you need to know. you do not need to talk to her. If she even did talk to you, you would not get the truth. Please understand that. Silence means that she is not interested in you. Silence means that it is over. Silence means that you have to move on. She does not feel the same way you do our she would be initiating constant contact and want to get back. You cannot force her to do that. To move on, only look at yourself and see what you know inside that you saw that you need to improve on because she will not tell you. You have to find that on your own. If you think you did nothing wrong and there is nothing to work on, then fine. When i finally looked hard at myself 3 months after, I found what I needed. I did not need her to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) Sadly, we have to accept two things after a breakup: 1. People's feelings can change, so people fall out of love. 2. You can't control number one. Both of those things seem to be so difficult to accept and so counter to our view of the world that we cling to any hope at all that we can fix what is clearly broken. Both of these ideas alter our views of security to our cores, which is why a breakup can seem to bad. In the end, it's really not that the person who dumped you is so great. Honestly, it's not. It's just that your concept of love and all that makes sense in life has been shattered. The dumper simply represents that idea, so you cling to what has been gone for quite some time now. The people who never move on are the people who can't accept these ideas IMO. Also, those who don't keep NC:-) The people who do move on are the people who realize that some people move in and out of our lives, and there is a lot that isn't permanent. Sometimes, relationships just run their course, and people move on. Edited January 24, 2015 by BC1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) i agonized with him. begged him to give me closure. he wouldn't give me any closure even though i knew there was something wrong. he even told me we were back together. it was a long distant relationship. finally, after stringing me along for near 4 months and me wondering why he changed so much and was unavailable most of the time, he finally fessed up, that he met someone at work and was spending all his time with them. i want to make an observation...tell you what i have learned: some people break up because ...a spouse is acting abusive etc...or there's no passion ...or they cant relocate...might have kids somewhere or a job that crushes the relationship, whatever it may be. but i have found that what catapults people actually fully ending a relationship is when they usually found someone else. they may want to leave for all the above reasons....but general ACTUALLY do when there is "another person" in the picture. it hurts to guess and wonder. and we cant imagine them doing that to us.. oh no....not them! but guess what? it happens. they find someone else and go with that and dump you and give you all other excuses. thats your closure. but its not easy to get them to admit that. for me it took time and work and finally telling them i didnt believe their garbage and was done with it. then i got at least some of the truth. and let me tell u..that closure hurt. but i was sick of knowing in my gut something was wrong and being lied to. Edited January 24, 2015 by IfiKnewThen Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 i want to make an observation...tell you what i have learned: some people break up because ...a spouse is acting abusive etc...or there's no passion ...or they cant relocate...might have kids somewhere or a job that crushes the relationship, whatever it may be. but i have found that what catapults people actually fully ending a relationship is when they usually found someone else. they may want to leave for all the above reasons....but general ACTUALLY do when there is "another person" in the picture. I do think this happens more often than not. I'm pretty sure it happened to me, though he never came clean about it, and, by the time I found out about it, I hadn't talked to him in a year. So I will never know for sure, but the circumstances I later discovered were highly suggestive of, at least, a "friendship" with another woman he worked with. People do stay in unhealthy, or even simply unfulfilling relationships, because the fear of being alone is primal. I think you're right that they want to leave or imagine leaving, but so many people don't act on it until there is another person lined up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 they want to leave or imagine leaving, but so many people don't act on it until there is another person lined up. amen to this!~ this is so true... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mawkij Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 well..unlikely...that is the nightmare I never want to have....I got the breakup on a phone call...and the reasons were fine at that time...but later I discovered...what the hell....this is not logic....its not.....the truth is that she stopped loving me.... .....also if she prepared some words to tell me...I would never know if she is just hiding something or wether she said the whole truth or not...so I will keep doubting...so I think...I better do a closure for myself....as much as it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 You tend to go through a cycle of self blame and somehow think if only they would tell us what is wrong. Probably we all knew deep down that something was very wrong. But we were in love. Like Simon P says. One question leads to another. You get a reason why he/she left. Then you ask what could I have done better, and so on. It's self serving and can make the misery much much worse. (I know). It really is better to try, as hard as it might be that, 'They simply don't want you' This can take as long as it takes. One day you will probably not care. No closure in the sense of understanding everything and saying 'oh I get it now' Moving on is the closure. Takes time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 well..unlikely...that is the nightmare I never want to have....I got the breakup on a phone call...and the reasons were fine at that time...but later I discovered...what the hell....this is not logic....its not.....the truth is that she stopped loving me.... .....also if she prepared some words to tell me...I would never know if she is just hiding something or wether she said the whole truth or not...so I will keep doubting...so I think...I better do a closure for myself....as much as it hurts. Feelings aren't logic. That's why searching for closure is pissing into the wind, a fool's errand. Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 well..unlikely...that is the nightmare I never want to have....I got the breakup on a phone call...and the reasons were fine at that time...but later I discovered...what the hell....this is not logic....its not.....the truth is that she stopped loving me.... .....also if she prepared some words to tell me...I would never know if she is just hiding something or wether she said the whole truth or not...so I will keep doubting...so I think...I better do a closure for myself....as much as it hurts. I feel your pain, I was LDR/LTR dumped via phone... Denial it may be... no matter what reason Dumper gives... The truth is the Dumper does not feel anything for you... And don't care, and how much you try to understand things... The classic line is -->> "Its not you, Its me..." Dumper has already moved on... and cut all ties with Dumpee... Dumper is on Strict NC... This is the bitter truth... Only thing a Dumpee can do is NC and heal... Its hard I even struggle up to now, wishing days faster and this gets over... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts