murtucky Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 What the heck is going on here?!? Dated for 3 1/2 years, she is 24 and I am 30... she has been flakey since January. I broke up with her in April. She kept me around but at a distance all summer. She came back around in August, then off again in Sept. She doesn't: want to have sex, hang out with others with me MOST of the time (if it is, it is somewhere private), engage the relationship, talk of the future, answer any hard questions readily, tell me who or what she doing as much, she doesn't want to hook up with anyone, and doesn't want to resolve the differences between us. She does: go out with friends quite a bit, acts out of character (she's getting a lot more easy going), fakes a smile around me, but tells me she loves me everyday, tells me she not seeing anyone else or wants to, tell me she doesn't want to go to a certain place-then goes there with her girlfriends later in the week, she keeps her friends separate... She says she wants to get back together once she gets everything straightened out...college graduation, friends, etc. I had been chasing her around since April, then finally told her last week I think I want to see someone else. SHE TOLD ME I WAS DOING THIS BEHIND HER BACK!!!!!!!! We are not bf and gf, but profess love to each other. I am much more sincere and willing than she is... She is changing and is much more private than she used to be...she is my coworker, I notice a guy here and there that i do not know- talk to her...and she explains it away, but only after i inquire... I truly feel she just wants time to figure things out, but it is driving me crazy...but I cannot seem to keep a level head around her for very long...my emotions get the best of me... PS-she warms up a little if I don't make a comment or remark about her changes, actions, or inconsistencies for a few days...I try hard not to care, but it doesn't work. Is this the end of adolescence for her??? or the end of our relationship???? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Possibly both. She says she wants to get back together once she gets everything straightened out...college graduation, friends, etc. What does that mean exactly? We spend our entire lives trying to "straighten things out". Maybe you need a clearer understanding on what her time-frame is & then decide if you're willing to wait for her or not. Me, I believe that actions speak louder than words & she's acting like someone on the way out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 8, 2004 Author Share Posted November 8, 2004 I don't know the answer to that question either... I try to talk about what's bugging her...she is very cryptic, and doesn't seem to know herself... When i drill her, it does not do any good. When I tell her "its over" she gets really emotional and insists that she loves me, and tells me she needs me to be patient... A few things, it sounds to me like "have your cake and eat it too" and "i don't know whats going to happen, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be stuff" and to me this is unacceptable... When i have gone away, she hunts me down and insists that we talk... I just want some solvency in my life...when i spend time with her, its subpar--when i am not with her---I am sad and just want her back...either way is unacceptable for me in the situation she and I are in. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Then that, my friend, is your starting point. Something has to change. it sounds to me like "have your cake and eat it too" and "i don't know whats going to happen, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be stuff" Me too. Link to post Share on other sites
lostNconfusedx10 Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 dude, im in the SAME exact boat as you right now and i know how much it sucks. The same exact signs you said happened to me like keeping her freinds seperate after a while, not wanting to have sex, needing time to figure things out, leaving and then coming back. She's 22 and very confused. she changed jobs like 3 times in 6 months. It just seems like girls at that age get very confused about what they want. Almost like they know its almost time to settle down and they get scared and want to hang on to their party time. She said she wanted to marry me and that i was perfect for her........then changed her mind on and off for like 3 months before the breakup. A big thing that might help would be to look at yourself. Remember when you went through that time in your life ( which i beleive almost evreyone does) and think of what things were going on in your head. Unsure what you want and what you want to do. I know with me it took a long time to get through that stage of life and my outlook was alot different after. Thinking about what you went through should help you somewhat understand what she's going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 is she an only-child? she sounds like she is just emotionally immature and in time *should* grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 LostNconfusedx10, i know what you're saying... It did take a lot of time for me, she knows my story about that (remember I'm 30 and she is 24). I know what she is going through, she said this was just going to be for the summer, then her friend said to me 6 months...both were wrong... I truly feel its going to be more like a year or two, and told her so...she told me she don't know why its taking so long and doesn't like the way she feels now. Yesterday at lunch, we talked about post-graduation... I told her of the joy of working an underpaid job, working with a bunch of stiffs, getting up at 7am and coming home at 6pm and being so tired that you just watch TV and do it all over again...no reply. I guess she just has to go through it...BUT DO I??? AND NO she is not an only child, she is the oldest of 4, and herein lies a great problem...her mom will not let her leave the nest...My ex says shes fed up with her but relies more on her than me...(moot I guess) She is constantly in her biz, and her MOM (a hottie herself, but a true space cadet) says she deserves better...like a doctor or a lawyer... My issue i I don't know whether to wait around or not. 2 years is a long time especially after already investing almost 4 years. If it works out with us, I know in my heart of hearts she will be a fantastic partner and mother like she used to be. But this is way in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 i misspoke... we are not parents and were never married just dated for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 I say you keep that option open but don't "wait" for it to happen. Basically, don't rule out being with her in 2 years but don't focus your life around that possibility. If you wish to stay single for the 2 years or whatever then do it but do it because that is what you want not because you think it is the best thing to do with respect to your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 if that is the case, which sounds like good advice i might add... how do i lead a separate life, with her chasing me down...remember I also work with her...and cannot leave this job for a least a year or so...Its too lucrative. My goals are focused on getting myself solvent and complacent. I have changed my career goals and in 2 or 3 years I will be financially sound. I have begun to invest in myself and not really worry about her. I am seeking counseling, and trying to fit in working out, and quitting smoking. My diet has changed. Its hard not being with her and I love her very much. We text everyday and I tell her I love her and have a good day. Light and simple. We recently admitted to each other we have made mistakes in the past, and that we are sorry to each other. She professes love but this is very very tough and passionless love. There is another girl whom I have been seeing for the past 2 weeks, she is very cool and treats me very well. She leaves for Hawaii in January. We basically enjoy each others company and hang out. Her role in my life is basically a reminder that I deserve good things in my life. We are not sexual but very cosy. My ex knows of her only through my above mentioned ultimatum. I did not disclose a relationship with the new one to my ex. I hate to be such a pain, but how do i work this out???? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 I think you need to tell your ex you can't have things go on the way they are (so her hounding you or whatever) and you need to go about focussing on your life and she needs to figure out hers. You can tell her that while you would like to reconcile with her when she is ready you can't sit and wait and go through all that crap in hopes it happens in a set period of time and you should tell her that the state of affairs right now are pissing you off. She should accept that and understand you can't wait for her and feel guilty if you decide to sorta see another girl. What your ex is basically doing is she is trying to string you along while she sorts out her issues and that is wrong. How come girls between say 21-25 are all like this and get all messed in the head and confused about their life? My ex is like that. In early 2003 she started to act all weird (near end of university for her) and of course she took out everything on me and we broke up and dint talk for over a year. Recently we got back into communication and she is working full time and acts like she has her life all under control and stuff but I don't think things have changed in her mind from 2003. Out of the blue she will make comments about how she is all cool with her life right now and that seems fake to me. I don't know of anyone who just out of nowhere tells someone else multiple times how they are happy with their life or whatever. I think she is trying to use her work to cover up some holes/insecurities or confusion and is trying to make herself think her life is perfectly how she wants it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 You have already decided that things can't remain the way they are. That's half the battle. On one level it's quite simple. You don't like the way things are therefore something has to change - if it's not going to be her (you can't force her to do anything) then it has to be you. from weird What your ex is basically doing is she is trying to string you along while she sorts out her issues and that is wrong. And why should she have only "her way" when there are two of you involved? In her heart she knows that what she is doing is hard on you & she would have to admit how sh*tty she would feel if the tables were turned. If she really cared for you she would let you go while she sorts herself out & she wouldn't expect you to wait because she can't guarantee herself that she'll end up with you in the end anyway. That is the truth of the matter. Yes, poor girl, it'll be hard for her, but part of being an adult is having to make some hard decisions. how do i lead a separate life, with her chasing me down...remember I also work with her... --- I know it's how a great many people meet their partners, but I always think it's a bad idea to mix business & personal like this ----- If she decides not to commit you'll just have to cool things off. Don't engage with her on anything but a business level, be "otherwise-engaged" every time she asks you to join her in something & she should get the hint fairly quickly. Oh, and keep dating this other girl you mentioned - it sounds promising. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 well, i have told her leave me be...I have told her to give me some respect and treat me fairly or leave me be...I told her the consequences.... You all are right...its crazy though because we always took pride in the fact that we worked together extremely well---until this. You all are also right that she will never stoop and apologize or placate while I am her lapdog. There is no incentive to. I am still around and she can do whatever it is she feels is proper. Well thats it. Control (in MY life) is just that-------MINE. I am no longer going to give her options or implied options for that matter. Time for me to use the very blue sack between my thighs for truth, justice, and the american way!!!!! YEAH! WATCH OUT LADIES!! Thank you all for your help...and good luck to you WEIRD. IT SUCKS and wasting time is just the worst. PS-that other girl is a real firecracker- she is more refined, courteous, and intelligent than my ex...too bad she'll be in Hawaii in two months!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author murtucky Posted November 9, 2004 Author Share Posted November 9, 2004 Oh yeah, WEIRD here is the short version of "why" I don't know why this happens in 21-25 year olds...but i have a hypothesis. I feel that most girls that are worth anything don't necessarily have to work hard in life. They are on automatic pilot, and if they are hot, they're always spoiled. Guys are all over them, they bat their eyes and get free tickets...etc. Daddy pays for the crashed car. Well life at this time is a crossroads, because they develop a egocentric view of the world...but long term relationships start coming along. They carry in their egocentric view with them. They use the guys for mentoring and practice, where in these situations, the guy treats her well and the girls sometimes give up on friends, goals, etc. on their own. and become co-dependent. No matter if the guy says "wait a minute", they still think you are the best thing for them. Life is spoonfed to them through the guy and others, the guy says "sweet! look at all we have been through", and starts to relax. But the girl never forget, its all about them. They blame the guy for losing friends, missed opportunities, etc...and back to being egocentric...and their girlfriends and family tell them they deserve it. HENCE, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. Follow me here, I have had 3 long termers...5 year, 5 year, and a 3 1/2 year relationship. So I have some experience with 21-25 year olds. Weird, this is my idea....it has happened to me 3 times. It is not all girls that do this, but some do... the best option is just to be yourself and don't trip for the pretty face, if it isn't right at first--it just isn't right. It isn't their fault life is hard, but their parents didn't prepare them properly and most girls i have met are just vain and very selfish. I have so much more to say but i gotta go to work. later Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 9, 2004 Share Posted November 9, 2004 I think your idea/philosophy is pretty much dead on bro. Good to hear you are not going to let your ex jerk you around. She needs to face reality there. Link to post Share on other sites
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