he went from "i dont want any contact" to "can we have sex this weekend"

[WiselyNaive]

when my ex broke up with me he was so fed up and he said he had fallen out of love...made a mistake by calling me his soul-mate & that we had no chance of ever dating again in the future...the most is being cordial and thats after i fully move on...he was adamant he'd never said such harsh things or kept a position about breaking up for longer than 20 mins he sounded so firm & its been days without any change of position knowing him it even scared me more because for him to say those things it had to be true.

i ended up pushing him away even further by begging and pleading & even acting a little coo coo...which lead him to say he doesnt even want friendship but instead he wants me completely out of his life. blocked me on everything because i kept calling him & saying "crazy" things about how i'll never move on...(yeah..i regret this) i said something that alarmed him...and he called me back 3 times (i found this surprising) i didnt answer & he sent a text saying "whatever im blocking you here too dont ever contact me again"

 

anyway i slept it off that night and in the morning what did i do besides call him from a different #...he asked who it was i said my name he then said "what is it"..i said "can you call me back on my phone?" he said "why?" i said "i just want to talk"..he said about what? i said "anything"...he said "i dont want to talk" & hung up..but then he called me like 3 mins later.

 

we stayed on the phone for hours.. this time i didnt cry or beg or plead...we spoke about so many things..we laughed and joked..we spent about an hour of him reading stuff form his psych book trying to diagnose me as crazy...which somehow was "fun" for us..

 

since the break up he has maintained no chance of friendship or anything remotely romantic between us..but after we were on the phone he started making sexual advances..first as a joke but i started saying "hell no" (which i meant) & he became serious we had to see each other one last time to return stuff this weekend anyway but at first he said he’d just drop it off and leave..then we agreed to hang out one last time…then when i “Acted crazy” he completely said he isn’t even going to tell me when he comes and keep his doors locked…by the end of the conversation he wanted to have sex it went from one last time to wanting to have casual sex...i know sex doesnt mean anything in the grand schemes of rekindling a relationship so kept saying no..because honestly I’m still involve with him and he isnt with me anymore & i know how hurt i’ll be and saying no to sex is something i know i can do. he then said "I’m so sorry for even bringing it up that would make me such an ******* because you are vulnerable right now"…he apologized over and over i said it was ok..but then a little while later he tried to convince me again…he then went to say well you don’t want to have sex so i’ll have to have sex with someone else and i’d prefer you..i laughed and said the thought of that made me sick and i wish he wouldn’t but he kept saying he isn’t going to not have sex on his birthday (few months away)…he ignored me anytime i said can you not have sex yet like wait a while…and then he said “you better not have sex with anyone” and i said…you’re telling me you’re going to have sex with other people but then saying i can’t..you must be crazy (granted i have no plans to anytime soon) after i said that he stopped talking completely..he fake fell asleep & came off the phone…we havent spoken since

 

i know that isn’t progress towards a relationship & that the sex thing might make him sound like a jackass…but i can assure you he isn’t..that was probably a weak moment or something…i know if it came to it he would never actually do it...because he doenst actually want me to be hurt or deal with me being even more attached if thats even possible…however his stance on a relationship is very firm and clear…would it be silly for me to think that because he is changing his mind from completely no contact to a casual sexual relationship based on how we are interacting…that getting him to think about being together again may actually be possible? by the end of the convo he did say if our calls were more like this he'd feel comfortable checking in on me.

 

or am i being way too optimistic?

[Ronni_W]

…however his stance on a relationship is very firm and clear…would it be silly for me to think that because he is changing his mind from completely no contact to a casual sexual relationship based on how we are interacting…that getting him to think about being together again may actually be possible?

Not "silly", no...but wildly unrealistic.

 

It's obvious that you do still hold him in high regard, and trust that he has only nice and noble intentions towards you. For sure, he is saying all the right words that, if he knows you at all, he knows will influence (manipulate?) you to keep having your high opinion of him.

 

To get your absolute evidence and proof that YOU are right in your assessment of him, including that he won't deliberately do anything to hurt you even more, hold off on having sex with him. YOU set some of the terms in whatever-it-will-be, moving forward. YOU tell him very firmly, "No, there will be no sex, penetrative or otherwise, UNTIL we have been exclusive and you have treated me properly for at least two months!"

 

(Two is just a number I threw out there...you can say three, or even six. The point is to let him know clearly and unambiguously that you are NOT going to become his mere booty call, AND you are not going to let him blow smoke up your butt to manipulate you into it.)

 

It is difficult to stay strong when one's heart is hurting. Hugs.

[WiselyNaive]

you don't know how helpful with was...honestly the more i thought about it the more turned off i've become...i think i'll be okay...he went from calling me his soulmate who he was inlove with to only wanting to have sex or no contact at all...maybe i dont know him as well as i thought...

[Ronni_W]

...i think i'll be okay...he went from calling me his soulmate who he was in love with to only wanting to have sex or no contact at all...maybe i dont know him as well as i thought...

Wisely, that's exactly it. I'm glad you got 'wise' and decided to not also be 'naive'

He IS coming across as not being too caring of your heart, isn't he? Even though you've been giving him credit for having your interests/well-being on his agenda...in fact, that might well have been what he was counting on, to get his way about this.

 

But. Now that you have claimed clarity of vision, and a more-accurate assessment of his recent BS-crap words...for SURE you will be okay. MORE THAN just 'okay', yes?

 

Hugs and best.