My ex boyfriend said he loves me but doesn't want a relationship?(updated)

[Butterflybrooke]

Last June I met the love of my life.. Or so I believe. We actually started talking on Facebook, after a couple weeks then he & his best friend came to meet me.. I've never been one to really believe in "love at first sight" but it was damn near close.

 

After that night, we were inseparable. We were together every night after we got off work, I stayed with him every night and it was perfect. I had never met a man like him, he told me that he had a bad history with drugs and that he had been through a lot but that he was bettering himself everyday. He is an alcoholic, but I love him and i love spending time with him so much that I honestly didn't care.

 

Through out the next few months, I noticed that he would randomly stop talking to me. We would get too close, and I would try to contact him but he wouldn't respond. I checked in with his best friend to see if he knew what was going on and he told me that he had servere commitment issues, he hadn't had a girlfriend since high school & he was 29 years old. So, even though it drove me crazy I would back off and give him space.

 

Eventually, he would come back around and want to see me.. I would go hang out with him and his best friend and just have a good time. I was crazy over him and I could tell he had a thing for me but he was literally terrified of commiting. He's the only Man I have ever spent so much time with, that didn't want sex! He wanted it sometimes of course but he was always, always respectful and just enjoyed my company.

 

After 7 months of hanging out, talking on and off, being friends, being more than friends, I noticed a girl commented on a facebook post of his about singing with him later at a bar.. I had been through so much with this guy, that I literally just threw in the towel. He texted me 6 times that day, and I wouldn't respond.. Finally his best friend called me that night and said "Your man is here with me and he's devastated because you won't talk to him.. What is going on?"

 

I said.. "I work my ass off everyday, come over to his house, I cook for him, love on him, I'm always patient, understanding and I'm always supporting him no matter what. And, I find out he's going to some bar and singing with some random chick instead of taking me out, or spending time with me.. he's @ a bar every weekend and I'm sick of being the phone call after he leaves the bar."

His best friend said.. "things are different now, he wants to see you and talk this out.. Come over here and talk to him, you won't regret it.

 

So, I get in my car @ 2AM looking like hell from crying all day and all night of course.. Drive to see him & he couldn't have been happier to see me. I remember just like it was yesterday.. He said.. "I didn't go to the bar tonight, I've been with my friend all night here in the garage just working on his truck, but regardless I want you to know that I'm ready to be with you. When you didn't text me back all day, I was so scared and I missed you.. I don't want to lose you and I know I can't make you wait forever because of my problems.. So will you be my girl?"

 

Of course I said yes, after crying.. I felt like I was dreaming. I had waited to hear it for so long that it didn't seem real.. Shortly after that, he broke down and told me he loved me. We became official, we were together everyday.. His parents loved me, my parents loved him.. We were always happy doing the silliest things.

 

A couple months into the relationship, he quit his job because of a disagreement with a co worker. He became distant and depressed and it seemed like nothing made him happy anymore.. I would take him food and comfort him, just be there and it was like it didn't matter. He ignored me for a day or two.. Then on April 11th, he broke up with me in a text message..

 

He said.. "Your a great girl and I want the absolute best for you but I can't give you that right now. My life is a mess, I don't have a job, I need a new vehicle and I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.. Your only 20 and I'm almost 30. You have a great future ahead of you, I don't want to bring you down with my problems. I don't blame you if you hate me because any other girl would and I'm sorry."

 

My heart was crushed and I tried to get more answers from him for a couple days but it didn't really work.. I didn't beg him to stay because I wanted him to do what made him happy. A month later, I realized I was living my life like a zombie, I knew I had to delete him from facebook, delete the text messages, delete everything and try to move on.

 

Over the next 2-3 months, I sent him a couple messages and I told him that I missed him when I was drinking of course but I never got anything back. Guys tried to pursue me, I didn't care.. I didn't want anyone else and from what I had heard, he never had another girl.

 

After 5 months, on September 2.. He messaged me on facebook. To make it short, he bragged about having a great job, working 60-70 hours a week & having a new suv.. He said he missed me and hopes that I continue to keep my head up (little did he know I was still dying inside) and when i didn't respond right away.. He sent me a text message and said I hope you get my facebook message and I hope you respond.

 

So I did.. I was so excited that I cried, I had been waiting and waiting for this day to come and had almost given up hope.. That night, he asked to see me and talk about things so I went to his house and we had the best time. The best heart to heart.. It was like nothing bad had ever happened. Every day that month, he texted me.. I would go over and see him, just hang out and watch movies like we used to.. Then one night a few weeks back, he came over to my house drunk.. Broke down and cried to me. He said "I love you girl and I want you to know that I can't lose you again.. The last 5/6 months without you were Hell and I can't do it again. I want you to know that I am here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

 

I was so happy to hear that, I felt like I was dreaming but I said.. Your drunk.. & he said I might be but don't you know that drunk people are always honest? I told him I loved him too and that I always would.. That night one thing lead to another and he tried to have sex with me, I was the one who started making the moves and he wasn't able to perform.. He never really could in the past either & I'm not sure if he has ED or if it's from the alcohol consumption.. I don't know but when he couldn't do it, he cried and he told me that he felt worthless because he couldn't please me and he was always afraid that I would leave him for it in the past but I explained to him.. Sex was not that important and that I wasn't going anywhere. He said I want you back.. I need you back. And, I said okay.. His family was so happy to see me back in his life because they knew how good I was to him..

 

Couple weeks later, we went to a concert together and we had a great time.. He called us a "couple.." Then he called me his "favorite buddy.." After that, he became distant again.. I seen him the next day because I left my ID in his car and he was decent toward me.. I thought things were okay then he started posting depressing things on Facebook.. & I tried to check on him but he didn't want to talk.. He started ignoring me again.

 

After 5 days of not hearing from him, I messaged his sister who lives with him and I asked her if she knew what was going on with him.. She said all he does is work and sleep, I never see him anymore but I do know that my brother is very weird and he has absolutely no sense when it comes to women.. She said I do know that I haven't seen him on his phone once this weekend and no other girl other than you has been here if that helps anything.

 

 

Finally last night he decided to write me.. This was our conversation..

 

Him: hey, how are you? I've had a horrible week. I wanted you to know i've not been ignoring you, dnt think that , i just don't want to keep talking to you knowing you have strong feeling's for me , and to keep getting hurt by me . im just not wanting a relationship with anyone right now , all i need for now is friend's .. I'm sorry i haven't talked to you"

 

Me: I just want to know why you told me you loved me when you clearly didn't see me as anything other than a friend. You might've been drunk when you said it but your exact words were "I might be drunk but don't you know drunk people tell the truth."

 

Because I was ****ing happy when I heard you say it, it didn't seem real to me & you had me convinced. If you felt absolutely nothing toward me, why were things like that said? Why lead me on? Someone who has done so much for you, cares so much about you and has NEVER tried to change you

 

Him: I did mean it , I do love u but i have decided im better off alone . I have too much crap going on to bring me or anyone else down . Ur a really great girl and ive been so happy that ur still in my life.. U can hate me n I'll understand.

 

Me: So this is where it all ends? Me moving on? Never seeing each other anymore? That truly what you want? If you can tell me yes, and TRULY mean it then I will be gone.

 

Him: No, I never said that

 

Me: So I guess your saying you might want to see me again but just as a friend, right?

 

And, I never got anything back after that.. My love for this man is absoultely unconditional and even though he is being so cold and pushing me away right now.. He's the only man that I want.. If somebody can relate or please give me some advice on what to do.. Please help. I'm miserable. The

[ThorntonMelon]

You're going to HATE my answer. I mean, hate it. But it is the right one.

 

You need to see a therapist. Immediately. And work through why an alcoholic with severe issues has captured your fancy. And you need to do nothing but disappear from this man until you've resolved that. He is a terrible, terrible plague on your life. A disease. And he may mess you up for a while. But you need to get the hell away from it. You are too young for this. You deserve so much more. I beg you to fight for you. Fight for your emotional and mental health.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

My LDR SM and I had made a commitment that we'd be unconditional as there were no expectations of ever seeing each other. Accepting that there would be a day, when she may find love locally, and believing at the time she was 23. We both prepared each other for the day when we would say goodbye, yet gave each other in our hearts. Even after 3 plus years and so many letters to say how deeply we care and love in final words to settle each others soul, we never could feel right being able to walk away. If anything our separation would be an act beyond our own actions.

 

With that said, you have not prepared yourself and he is not as deeply in love as you are. The only proof to your love for each other is to allow him his freedom, and believe some day he'll find his way back into your arms. You can find love again with someone else, as love knows no boundries. To make your heart comfy, you must explain carefully that your love has left you to find himself. Just because you love him so deeply, you can learn to love just as much for someone else. That I understand for myself, as long as I have my SM, I need not attempt, even if we will always be LDR. You should never feel that way, as he has moved on, and expects you to as well. I don't think he is so selfish to want you to wait. You can feel your love for him and allow it to be strength for you to seed love again with another.

[BC1980]

The entire relationship sounds awful actually. You sound like his caretaker. He can treat you any way he wants, and you gladly take him back each time. He ignores you for 5 days, he ignores you for 5 months, he says he loves you and takes it back, he's distant. This is an almost 30 yr old man, not a teenager. He should have enough common sense to know how to treat you.

 

You're only 20. Is this the first time you've been in love? I'd block him so quickly and move on. You can do better.

[Butterflybrooke]

I guess I just disagree.. Ignoring someone is definitely a ****ty way to do someone but that's part of loving someone who has commitment issues and I'm willing to deal with that. I wouldn't exactly consider myself his "caretaker." I love him and I loved doing things for him.. He done several things for me as well. I don't agree with some of the things he has done but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I don't believe in giving up on people just because they have problems.. I try to help. He isn't my first love.. My first relationship, I was abused in every way and I went through Hell trying to get away.. I went through it for 2 years and when I finally did get away, he helped me move on. He made me smile again, when I never thought it was possible.

 

My heart is absolutely crushed right now..I don't believe I need to seek professional help because I fell in love with someone who has a heart of gold but just so happens to struggle with addiction? Nobody is perfect! If I wanted someone else, or I wanted to move on then I would have. I was looking for some positive feedback but I can see nobody is really giving that. I've never met someone who makes me feel the way he does, and I refuse to give up on him. In my heart, I feel like there's a reason that he always comes back to me.

[Zahara]

I was looking for some positive feedback but I can see nobody is really giving that. I've never met someone who makes me feel the way he does, and I refuse to give up on him. In my heart, I feel like there's a reason that he always comes back to me.

 

Hun, you are 20 years old. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move away from this man before it tarnishes your sense of value and self. The only positive feedback you are going to get is to leave this man. You may think we're all negative but being much older than you, and wiser only from learning through the pain and mistakes -- this is not a battle you want to fight because if you do -- it will be at the expense of your own emotional and mental health.

 

People with addictions don't recover because of love. They recover because THEY WANT to change. They recover from recognising the issues and being driven by their own will to change. You're not going to love him out of his dysfunction. You'll just be enabling it. But I do have to wonder if this is just his addiction, or just the simple fact that he isn't quite invested in you.

 

Yes, he will always come back to you -- BUT for all the wrong reasons.

Edited October 24, 2014 by Zahara

[ThorntonMelon]

So Brooke - you want us to tell you it's a smart move for you to waste your emotional and mental health away on a man who is unlikely to ever be a positive for you and potentially could ruin you in multiple ways.

 

There is a reason he comes back - because he knows he is extremely toxic and a healthy woman would send him far, far away. He senses that you aren't healthy and therefore you are a perfect mark for his unhealthy, unacceptable behavior.

[Allumere]

You are dealing with someone that has a mood disorder and needs to be under the care of doctors with therapy and medication. The depression and lack of focus swapped for extreme focus and work habits, the drinking issues....yeah hints of bipolar disorder to me.

 

Until he is healthy he will drag you so far down the rabbit hole you won't recognize yourself again. Please, walk away. I know all about unconditional love and you can still love him but do it 10 million miles away...that is as close as you can be right now. He has friends and family. He is not alone. You can't save, fix, or mold him into what you want him to be which is the man that loves you the way you need to be loved.

[mammasita]

You're not the exception and he will never change for you.

 

You can keep telling your story until someone tells you what you want to hear, but the reality is your situation is a **** storm and will always be a **** storm until you remove yourself from it.

 

Find something better for yourself, something you deserve because you deserve better.

[Arieswoman]

10 Things to Stop Doing if You Love an Alcoholic

[BC1980]

I guess I just disagree.. Ignoring someone is definitely a ****ty way to do someone but that's part of loving someone who has commitment issues and I'm willing to deal with that. I wouldn't exactly consider myself his "caretaker." I love him and I loved doing things for him.. He done several things for me as well. I don't agree with some of the things he has done but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I don't believe in giving up on people just because they have problems.. I try to help. He isn't my first love.. My first relationship, I was abused in every way and I went through Hell trying to get away.. I went through it for 2 years and when I finally did get away, he helped me move on. He made me smile again, when I never thought it was possible.

 

My heart is absolutely crushed right now..I don't believe I need to seek professional help because I fell in love with someone who has a heart of gold but just so happens to struggle with addiction? Nobody is perfect! If I wanted someone else, or I wanted to move on then I would have. I was looking for some positive feedback but I can see nobody is really giving that. I've never met someone who makes me feel the way he does, and I refuse to give up on him. In my heart, I feel like there's a reason that he always comes back to me.

 

This is classic co-dependency. You put your own emotional well being on the line to "help" someone. I think you need to also consider the very real possibility that he doesn't love you like you love him. So it's okay for him to ignore you because he has "commitment issues"? That's acceptable behavior in your eyes? It is possible to love someone who doesn't treat you very well and who won't commit. That happens everyday, but it doesn't mean you should take him back the next time. You can stand by someone as they recover from an addiction, but you cannot sacrifice your emotional well being in the process. He obviously doesn't even recognize he has a problem or want to get help, so maybe that is why he is setting you free.

[oldshirt]

Druggies and drunks are broken. You can't expect them to fun tion like a normal, healthy person. When someone's brain has been chronically exposed to those toxins they run like a car engine that is trying to run on bad fuel.

 

A druggie/alcoholic does not feel, think, act or respond the way a clean and sober person does. They can fake it and play-act for short periods of time and many are master manipulator a that learn what to say to get people to do what they want. But at some point they always break down and do something that no clean, sober, healthy person would ever do.

 

He is right - you are better off without him. He will always be off kilter and never quite right. You are 20 so you enjoy the attentions and the drunken vows of love and commitment from and older man. You are also drawn to the excitement and drama and find it stimulating.

 

But at the end of the day all you are left with is a drunk that is in a panel of feeling and acting like a normal, healthy person.

 

Don't waste your "pretty" years on someone who has messed up his life and will mess up yours the longer you stay with him. Once you get away from him, you will have plenty of options. You may be crying in your pillow at night right now, but there will be decent, sober and healthy guys knocking on your door within weeks once you are away from him.

[Butterflybrooke]

The thought of never seeing or talking to him again absolutely devastates me.. I doubt there will be any decent men knocking on my door..but thanks everybody. I appreciate it.

[BC1980]

The thought of never seeing or talking to him again absolutely devastates me.. I doubt there will be any decent men knocking on my door..but thanks everybody. I appreciate it.

 

You are only 20. You will have many more chances at love. Remember, he is the one who left you. If you allow him back in, the toxic pattern will continue. You've only known him 5 months, and it's already this bad. You should still be in the honeymoon phase right now.

 

This guy has treated you like cr@p. You are banking on his potential, which is a bad bet.

[Zahara]

The thought of never seeing or talking to him again absolutely devastates me.. I doubt there will be any decent men knocking on my door..but thanks everybody. I appreciate it.

 

It's normal that you feel devastated that you may never see or talk to him again. The finality is very hard to accept when he's become a part of your life but I promise you that things will get better and at some point you will move on with life without him.

 

You're 20. It's very unrealistic when you say for the coming decades and decades of your life, you will never meet a decent man just because this one guy created 5 months of nonsense in your life.

[intricate]

OP, this man is damaged beyond repair. He'll keep trying to make his life better and better and each time, he'll just fail. Maybe one day he will get better, who knows... but by then, it'll be too late and you would have moved on. A person who keeps pulling you in and then push you out will keep doing this once they know that they can get away with it. They will never respect you in the long run, and it's better that you move on NOW after merely several months of knowing him rather than trying to do it after years of knowing him. People bond deeply after one year, so do it quick lest you want more gruesome pain.

 

You are 20 years old, you WILL find someone else, someone healthier and better for you and who won't abuse you.

[Butterflybrooke]

I've known this man for almost two years.. It hasn't only been 5 months. And, even though he does have an addiction problem, he has always made me feel special.. Maybe not when we didn't talk, but there isn't anybody I would rather spend my time with.

 

I might only be 21 years old but when you've been beaten, treated like a dog, cheated on and nearly killed, it's really hard to believe "oh there's a good man out there." My First boyfriend nearly killed me and I didn't think I would ever find love again but I did.

 

He might've only been my 2nd real boyfriend but I'm still crazy about him.. & guys, it's not like I knew this guy was an alcoholic when I fell in love with him.. He never once layed a hand on me, or put me down.. He always bragged on me and made me feel worthy.. I never had that before. I know all about addiction, Ive lived in the same house with someone for 21 years who has dealt with it everyday since I was born.. I know it's not something I should take on but it sure isn't easy to be done with somebody because they have problems. I'm not "trying to change him." I just want to be with him.. But it's obvious that isn't what he wants.

 

So.. Wonderful news for all of you: I actually texted him tonight and I told him that I needed some closure so that I can move on with my life.. I explained to him that I had a lot of his things still @ my house and that if he didn't mind, I would drop them off one day soon and we could say our goodbyes..

 

His response was: I have to be up at 11 . Going with papaw today . U can come c me sunday n chat.

 

 

So I guess it's going to be a done deal.. Thanks for the feedback.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Butterflybrooke

[intricate]

I'm not "trying to change him." I just want to be with him.. But it's obvious that isn't what he wants.

 

Read that bold part over and over and over again until you realize that he doesn't want you and he will never love you the way you want him to.

 

After your Sunday chat, I hope you go strict NC and heal from this.

[Survivor12]

"...I didn't think I would ever find love again but I did."

 

Remember that.

[BC1980]

I've known this man for almost two years.. It hasn't only been 5 months. And, even though he does have an addiction problem, he has always made me feel special.. Maybe not when we didn't talk, but there isn't anybody I would rather spend my time with.

 

I might only be 21 years old but when you've been beaten, treated like a dog, cheated on and nearly killed, it's really hard to believe "oh there's a good man out there." My First boyfriend nearly killed me and I didn't think I would ever find love again but I did.

 

He might've only been my 2nd real boyfriend but I'm still crazy about him.. & guys, it's not like I knew this guy was an alcoholic when I fell in love with him.. He never once layed a hand on me, or put me down.. He always bragged on me and made me feel worthy.. I never had that before. I know all about addiction, Ive lived in the same house with someone for 21 years who has dealt with it everyday since I was born.. I know it's not something I should take on but it sure isn't easy to be done with somebody because they have problems. I'm not "trying to change him." I just want to be with him.. But it's obvious that isn't what he wants.

 

So.. Wonderful news for all of you: I actually texted him tonight and I told him that I needed some closure so that I can move on with my life.. I explained to him that I had a lot of his things still @ my house and that if he didn't mind, I would drop them off one day soon and we could say our goodbyes..

 

His response was: I have to be up at 11 . Going with papaw today . U can come c me sunday n chat.

 

 

So I guess it's going to be a done deal.. Thanks for the feedback.

 

The thing is, you went from one abuser to the next. The second guy is emotionally abusing you. I don't care what his issues are. When someone ignores you, it's emotional abuse. When you are in a relationship with the person, and they ghost on you and come back when they please, it's a power play. He has acted awful, and you are the one bending over backwards to accommodate his behavior.

 

You mentioned that you lived with an addict your whole life, so I'm assuming a parent or sibling. You've grown up in dysfunction, so I'm not surprised you are repeating the cycle of picking addicts and abusers. I think you would greatly benefit from some counseling to learn healthier behaviors.