What does he mean?

[laelithia]

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after a whirlwind romance only lasting about 2 months, but we had been seeing each other for about 4 months before that on and off. He's 23, I'm 24. Originally he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, and over time I realized he is very emotinally sensitive and afraid of getting hurt. Eventually we started dating, and I don't know why but after one argument between his best friend and I, it was never the same. I began to question how much be cared about me, and really made him prove it constantly and started making fights out of nothing. He took if for a couple weeks, always assuring me he wanted me in his life, but that I was wearing him down. Eventually I "broke up" with him in another argument assuming he would fight again for me, this time he didn't. I was and still am truly devestated. He was the thoughtful boyfiend I had always wanted, and I took him for granted.

 

Anyway, now we are 3 months later and he has insisted we remain friends in terms of talking all the time, and until recently we were intimate as well. However I found out he lied about seeing an old ex over the weekend, and although he insisted nothing happened and they are family friends, I just can't trust that. So now I asked him if "we will never be together again, right?" And he says things like "I can't answer questions like that, I'm not okay to" or "I don't know". But he has hinted in the past they we couldn't be together because our personalities clash too much. I disagree because I was the one in the wrong before and I have learned so much about myself and know I wouldn't be that way again. However he has told me I hurt him so bad he needs to find himself again as he's never given himself that much to anyone and I crished him. Anyway, what should I do? The thought of him with someome else makes me sick, and he has said the same about me.

[Zahara]

Originally he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, and over time I realized he is very emotinally sensitive and afraid of getting hurt.

 

It would be in your best interest to not concoct excuses in your head because by doing so you become susceptible to tolerating unhealthy behavior -- regardless of whether he is sensitive or afraid of getting hurt, his emotional unavailability is not acceptable nor should it be tolerated. And you should not be sticking around waiting for him to become available.

 

He was the thoughtful boyfiend I had always wanted, and I took him for granted.

 

How was he the thoughtful boyfriend you always wanted when all he did was cause you to feel insecure because of his unavailability? And two months of whirlwind unfortunately isn't the test of a true relationship because two people are running on temporary feel good emotions.

 

Anyway, what should I do? The thought of him with someome else makes me sick, and he has said the same about me.

 

Cut contact. You don't allow yourself to be a crutch and cater to his emotional unavailability. Stop being intimate with him. He's a controlling and manipulative man child.

[laelithia]

It would be in your best interest to not concoct excuses in your head because by doing so you become susceptible to tolerating unhealthy behavior -- regardless of whether he is sensitive or afraid of getting hurt, his emotional unavailability is not acceptable nor should it be tolerated. And you should not be sticking around waiting for him to become available.

 

 

 

How was he the thoughtful boyfriend you always wanted when all he did was cause you to feel insecure because of his unavailability? And two months of whirlwind unfortunately isn't the test of a true relationship because two people are running on temporary feel good emotions.

 

 

 

Cut contact. You don't allow yourself to be a crutch and cater to his emotional unavailability. Stop being intimate with him. He's a controlling and manipulative man child.

 

He was thoughtful once we were officially together, rememembering things I mentioned, bringing me flowers when I was upset and things like that. I have told him I can no longer sleep with him, but now I'm wondering if like you say I should cut contact completely when he expressed that he still wants to be friends regardless of sleeping together or not. I just know how upset I get at the thought of him with someone else. He assures me it isn't any time soon, but I highly suspect something already happened with his previous ex.

[hedyo]

One thing I have learned is that you need to take "I don't know" as a "No". There is nothing you can do to convince someone who is unsure about you, except for leaving them alone and letting them experience what life is like without you. He broke up with you, he doesn't get to "insist" on anything at all. Don't accept scraps from an ex because you're afraid of losing them completely.

 

If his feelings change and he wants you back, he will let you know. You don't need to "do" anything, except focus on taking good care of yourself. My ex was unsure of his feelings for me, so he dumped me. Then he started doubting the break-up after 2.5 months of no contact at all. Now, it's his job to convince me that he feels strongly enough for this relationship to be worth another shot. "I don't know" just isn't good enough!

[laelithia]

One thing I have learned is that you need to take "I don't know" as a "No". There is nothing you can do to convince someone who is unsure about you, except for leaving them alone and letting them experience what life is like without you. He broke up with you, he doesn't get to "insist" on anything at all. Don't accept scraps from an ex because you're afraid of losing them completely.

 

If his feelings change and he wants you back, he will let you know. You don't need to "do" anything, except focus on taking good care of yourself. My ex was unsure of his feelings for me, so he dumped me. Then he started doubting the break-up after 2.5 months of no contact at all. Now, it's his job to convince me that he feels strongly enough for this relationship to be worth another shot. "I don't know" just isn't good enough!

 

This really makes sense. Throughout the break up we were mostly in contact, I was reluctant to cut off communication as I truly felt like I needed to atone for my behaviour during the relationship. However, I think it's best now that we stop contact for some time.