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Getting back my ex girlfriend, through being friends.


Winston555

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I've posted this on a number of different help sites to try to get a decent answer, probably because my situation is much different, I hope I can get something positive from this.

 

To cut down my story the situation with my ex we broke up September of 2013, neither of us wanted the breakup, but we both thought it was for the best as we had a lot of personal issues to deal with, namely money issues and depression. As we ended on a somewhat bad note we tried to stick around each other as friends namely so when these issues have been worked out we would get back together, problems persisted up into 2014.

 

We had a close call in March, not by using no contact or other common ways talked about in these forums, but over the course of time we became close friends, and she started to fall for me again more so after some casual flirting, daily we would talk about getting a flat together and falling asleep on the sofa cuddling, she grew insecure with how fast her feelings for me were coming back and pulled away.

 

Things died down since due to a few months of disagreements, It's a complicated story so I'll just sum it up with things were good one moment bad the next. Currently things are sort of good but sort of bad, we still talk, but we're not really much friends, she isn't against talking but there's just a really odd atmosphere between us, she's closer to a mutual friend (that has caused a few fights between us) than she is really with me.

 

It sort of goes against what most advice is on sites like these where it's usually "Cut contact sit back and wait for her to contact you" but for this situation I know doing so wouldn't give that result. She wouldn't reach out because she misses somebody, at most she would call it a loss then forget, the advice would help if we just broke up, but I want to break down the walls between us, not build more.

 

Obviously, like what we did before to get at least attraction built I need to get into a close friends position with her than I can just do what I did last time, but I just need to build back up her trust in me and develop a friendship. I know this is possible as I already proved that it is.

 

Has anybody got any similar stories or advice to share?

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Went through the friend thing for 1 day. I couldn't handle the uncertainty, the constant thinking of where she was, what she was doing, who she was talking to. Got clingy, and HAD to find out what this really was. Was this like a trial run at a second chance, or was this some elaborate friend zone scheme?

 

Obviously I couldn't handle the contact post BU, because it made me think WAY TOO MUCH, and I needed answers now. I didn't play it smooth at all, and I panicked, and told her I NEEDED NC, so I can live day by day without obsessing over something.

 

For me, the best thing is to go full NC, and respond to contact, or contact her when I'm ready, and my emotions are gone. Then we can possibly start a new relationship, or we can be genuine friends, and not have weird post BU tension.

 

Case by case, IMO. If you can handle being in contact with your ex without playing mind games on yourself every minute of the day, then more power to you. I don't want to generalize, but I don't think most people can do that as the dumpee.

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And when I say "elaborate friend zone scheme", she kind of gave me the cue that I could win her trust back. In the back of my mind I couldn't help but to think that this was just her loneliness leading me on, and a shoulder to cry on when she needed me.

 

I cut it off, right away. Too much stress on your heart, and mind.

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It's not that complicated. It's actual black & white. There are 3 choices: you are friends, you are lovers or you are nothing.

 

If you want to date her ask her on a date. If she says no & you want to be friends, fine. Otherwise pick you are nothing.

 

Don't settle for friends when you want more.

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Simon Phoenix

It's a stupid idea. You are trying to be her friend under false pretenses to con her into being her girlfriend. That never works because once she figures that out, she'll back off or resent you. Your situation isn't different -- you're just as foolish as every other chump who tries to manipulate their ex through being their friend. d0nnivain hit the nail on the head.

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I completely agree with donovain. I had a breakup with an ex. We were actually best friends before the relationship so after the breakup she said "we are still gonna be best friends right" (this is usually code for I am going to keep you close to make sure you don't date while I date these other guys to see if I like them more than you) So of course dumb naive me said of course with a smile on my face.

 

So she all of the sudden started dating this other guy (supposedly that she just met like 2 days after dumping me) funny how that ALWAYS seems to be the case. So 1 day a week I am her buddy while she is out dating. I would ask for more time and I would get the "we are just friends you know right?" I would play along and sit there cuddling and watching a movie while my heart was breaking.

 

Anyway long story short. The minute I started dating another girl my ex lost her mind. I really like the other girl so my ex actually begged pleaded and even wrote me the 3 page letters(well typed them) She went on and on how I somehow betrayed her and I like the other girl more and now I am supposedly stringing her along while I date. I ended up caving and taking back my ex. Like a total idiot.

 

My suggestion. Sure stay friends with her. Friend means you can date whomever you want so go on dates. Don't use anyone tho that is crappy. But go on dates with the intention that you are single and you wanna find a nice girl. Watch how fast your "friend" changes her mind. I have to warn you tho. after a couple of months you will be going through this all over again because if she wanted you for more than friends she would have you as more than friends. It will just be a quick fix till she is bored again.

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I completely agree with donovain. I had a breakup with an ex. We were actually best friends before the relationship so after the breakup she said "we are still gonna be best friends right" (this is usually code for I am going to keep you close to make sure you don't date while I date these other guys to see if I like them more than you) So of course dumb naive me said of course with a smile on my face.

 

So she all of the sudden started dating this other guy (supposedly that she just met like 2 days after dumping me) funny how that ALWAYS seems to be the case. So 1 day a week I am her buddy while she is out dating. I would ask for more time and I would get the "we are just friends you know right?" I would play along and sit there cuddling and watching a movie while my heart was breaking.

 

Anyway long story short. The minute I started dating another girl my ex lost her mind. I really like the other girl so my ex actually begged pleaded and even wrote me the 3 page letters(well typed them) She went on and on how I somehow betrayed her and I like the other girl more and now I am supposedly stringing her along while I date. I ended up caving and taking back my ex. Like a total idiot.

 

My suggestion. Sure stay friends with her. Friend means you can date whomever you want so go on dates. Don't use anyone tho that is crappy. But go on dates with the intention that you are single and you wanna find a nice girl. Watch how fast your "friend" changes her mind. I have to warn you tho. after a couple of months you will be going through this all over again because if she wanted you for more than friends she would have you as more than friends. It will just be a quick fix till she is bored again.

 

Can you elaborate on what happened? You guys got back, but same old arguments, and incompatibility, or she just dumped you again?

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It's a stupid idea. You are trying to be her friend under false pretenses to con her into being her girlfriend. That never works because once she figures that out, she'll back off or resent you. Your situation isn't different -- you're just as foolish as every other chump who tries to manipulate their ex through being their friend. d0nnivain hit the nail on the head.

 

What if your ex gives you the cue to "regain her trust"?

 

I felt like for me it was a mini second chance, but also couldn't deal with the mental gymnastics that was going through my head. This one felt different, or it's the fact that this one felt like an actual break up.

 

Mind you, every break we've gone on, we started off as friends first, then after a few days, back to normal again.

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I think it was just a case of I don't want you but I don't want anyone else having you either. I think if someone genuinely wants you enough to where you could possibly spend your life together then the friendzone would never happen. I think that is why a lot of reconciliations happen and then they don't last long. That feeling of loss somehow twists into love? Maybe?

 

On top of it we were young and she was a late bloomer and she didn't know how to handle attention from a lot of men. She ate it up and flirting usually turns to something more.

 

I have a cousin that has been on and off with his girlfriend for 10 years. She dumps him. Starts to date someone else. He loses 50 lbs and as soon as other women show interest she dumps whomever she is with and begs for him back. This is usually like a 2 year cycle. I think they are on time number 5 now. But its never healthy. There is always someone turning the ringer off on their phone or sneaking around.

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I think it was just a case of I don't want you but I don't want anyone else having you either. I think if someone genuinely wants you enough to where you could possibly spend your life together then the friendzone would never happen. I think that is why a lot of reconciliations happen and then they don't last long. That feeling of loss somehow twists into love? Maybe?

 

On top of it we were young and she was a late bloomer and she didn't know how to handle attention from a lot of men. She ate it up and flirting usually turns to something more.

 

I have a cousin that has been on and off with his girlfriend for 10 years. She dumps him. Starts to date someone else. He loses 50 lbs and as soon as other women show interest she dumps whomever she is with and begs for him back. This is usually like a 2 year cycle. I think they are on time number 5 now. But its never healthy. There is always someone turning the ringer off on their phone or sneaking around.

 

That's freaking selfish, but the way people are. Can;t do anything, but NC.

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Just focus on being a good friend. Don't pressure her with getting back together. If she wants to get back in the future, she will tell you. If you show her you can't handle being friends she will leave you for good.

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Just focus on being a good friend. Don't pressure her with getting back together. If she wants to get back in the future, she will tell you. If you show her you can't handle being friends she will leave you for good.

 

How so? Wouldn't the dumper understand the feelings are too strong to just be friends from the dumpee?

 

Edit: OK, I see you're speaking for his particular situation.

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Simon Phoenix
What if your ex gives you the cue to "regain her trust"?

 

I felt like for me it was a mini second chance, but also couldn't deal with the mental gymnastics that was going through my head. This one felt different, or it's the fact that this one felt like an actual break up.

 

Mind you, every break we've gone on, we started off as friends first, then after a few days, back to normal again.

 

Dude, you really need to stop hijacking people's threads and start your own already. That being said, constantly breaking up and getting back together is dumb and counterproductive. You never solve any of the problems that caused the breakup, which is why the reconciliation never takes. All you are doing is wasting each others time.

 

But in general, you need to stop hijacking threads.

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d3sigN8t3dDruNk

I tried the friend thing. Couldn't stand talking to her and barely seeing her and all that non-sense. To each is own, but if you actually love this person, being friends is going to be rough. Especially when they go out with someone else, or get serious without you and you have to witness it first hand. I personally wouldn't try the friend thing to get someone back. Once in the friendzone, you're done for.

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Dude, you really need to stop hijacking people's threads and start your own already. That being said, constantly breaking up and getting back together is dumb and counterproductive. You never solve any of the problems that caused the breakup, which is why the reconciliation never takes. All you are doing is wasting each others time.

 

But in general, you need to stop hijacking threads.

 

My bad. What if someone else has the same question as me, but they don't ask? I figure any little bits of info can help anyone at anytime.

 

But I won't hijack anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Obviously there's no use in me telling you what you should've done, so I won't. But I say cut contact. Don't try and be friends because that never works out. You never really are "friends". You're just the two people floating around with personal issues to work out, hanging on a thread. And I don't know if this applies to you, but if I kept an ex around as a friend while I worked on my personal issues, I'd feel rushed to resolve them and that way, they never REALLY get resolved because they were rushed. All so I could get back together with them asap.

 

Cut contact. Focus on resolving your issues on your own. When you're ready, ring her to see if she is. I know it sounds like a ****ty idea because you risk the chance of losing her, but honestly, it needs to be done. If the both of you really loved each other, you'd support each other through this - without each other.

 

Also, like what d3sigN8t3dDruNk (god that's a tricky username isn't it) said: Once in the friendzone, you're done for.

 

Good luck and all the best! Looking forward to your updates :)

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