sweetheart333 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 So here's the run down. We were together for 4 years, practically a married couple. We owned a house, cars and a dog. We never ever used to fight until about 6 months before the end of our relationship. We started taking each other for granted and stopped appreciating the little things. We're only young and in our mid 20's so we were so naïve. It was his first serious relationship too. We've been broken up for a year now. I also found out he's been seeing a girl for ages, they're not boyfriend and girlfriend but he comes from a strict Italian background and his parents forced them together. A friend of his said to me, that my ex really doesn't feel anything for her. It was a mutual breakup, but after a few months I realised the error of my ways and how horrible I was to him. I realised how much I actually was still madly in love with him. So I did all the things a woman shouldn't do. I cried, I begged and I over texted. He told me he just didn't feel the same anymore, but that I'd always be special to him and that he'd always care. I know where I went wrong and have changed so much over the last year and even more-so in the last few weeks. I'm happy-go-lucky now, fitter, healthier, more positive, active, fixed all the areas where I was really lacking and now even planning to buy a second house. Definately a 2.0 version of me, much better. So he recently went on holidays for 5 weeks with his best friends and we had no contact at all. We also slept together before he left (I didn't know he was seeing this girl). I thought it was going to be a bang-and-go (at the time that's all I wanted), but he made it so much more. He caressed me, moved my hair out the way of my face, went out of his way to kiss me, held my hands. So you can understand after that my emotions went crazy! Hes not the type to have a one night stand and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. I asked him to catch up for coffee before he left and he said it was a bad idea and declined. Again he said he didn't feel the same anymore. So he left for 5 weeks, and there was no contact between us two, I just let him enjoy his holiday! Anyway he came back a few weeks ago and I just asked him to meet up for coffee so I could hear about his trip. He said yes! I mean why would an ex agree for coffee (once he previously said no) when he knows that I more than likely still have strong feelings for him? Do you think he might want to test the waters and see if there is anything still there? Or just a friendly catch up? Link to post Share on other sites
music_and_poetry Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Sorry to point this out, but it sounds like in this case you are the one pursuing him and he is just allowing it. Permitting your attention I think. I think you may have a chance but you need to turn the tables. Make him chase you. Cancel that coffee date and say you're going on a trip with a friend. Don't specify who and tell him you'll catch up with him in a few weeks. Don't. Wait to see if he contacts you. If he doesn't send a text that you're sorry you haven't been in touch (you've been sooooo busy!) but that you have so much to tell him and hope to make time for him soon! And then wait again. Set the stage and let him initiate things. This way you turn the tables and make him feel like he's the one in control. Good luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 God woman, you sound desperate. He's Italian? He's a classic cake eater. Italian guys show a sense of prowess when they willingly have sex with someone who is willing to have sex with them. And listen to yourself... all those lovey-dovey little gestures of affection - Romantic Italians are the masters of seduction. They say what you want to hear. Having been the victim of one myself, I can see this a mile off. (Oh GianPiero was wonderful... he only ever had eyes for me....! ) Cancel coffee, you sound like a fawning groupie. Never make anything up, because liars have to have good memories. Cancel,and tell him you agree. Coffee is a bad idea. Then fall off his radar, and if he pursues you after a while and wants to see you, make sure you're nowhere near a bed, because chances are, that's where he will hope to take you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 A 2.0 version of a much better you, the one that begged and pleaded when he dumped you? Now you chase him again? Cancel the coffee. Let him come to you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ASortaFairytaleWY Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) I also found out he's been seeing a girl for ages, they're not boyfriend and girlfriend but he comes from a strict Italian background and his parents forced them together. A friend of his said to me, that my ex really doesn't feel anything for her. ... He told me he just didn't feel the same anymore, but that I'd always be special to him and that he'd always care. ... I mean why would an ex agree for coffee (once he previously said no) when he knows that I more than likely still have strong feelings for him? Do you think he might want to test the waters and see if there is anything still there? Or just a friendly catch up? A lot of dangerous red flags here. He TOLD you didn't feel the same as before. Trust me, when a guy says something like this, you believe him. He also said he'd always care about you, which is true when you have a long term relationship. It seems like it is easier for him to have sex with you and think of you as a friend with benefits than it is for you. Having sex with an ex is a terrible idea because generally one person thinks it's something more and the other thinks it's just FWB. I wouldn't do that again. You're only hurting yourself. Did you break up with him, or did he break up with you? Was it mutual? That's a key piece of the puzzle. The fact that he's been seeing this girl for "ages" is a little worrisome. If they've been together for ages, why aren't they boyfriend / girlfriend? It sounds like they kind of are, but maybe he doesn't want you to know how serious they are. It's quite possible that him sleeping with you is kind of cheating on her. I would be very careful. This guy doesn't sound like he wants or is ready to have you back. I also agree with the posters that suggest you NEED to start no contact immediately. Right now he's having his cake and eating it too. He's seeing this other girl, but still gets sex from you (WITH the emotional intimacy that is leading you on, too)! Cancel the coffee plans and give a vague answer as to why. One word or one sentence replies, no marathon texts with explanations. Then don't contact him at all. I would let a few months go by, and see if he initiates contact. He might just to see what he can get out of you (sex, maybe). I would ignore it for another few months, then delete him off of ALL social media sites. You guys had a very long relationship, and if he is ever going to want you again, you have to give him a serious amount of time. It could be 8 months, a year. Whatever. Don't talk to him. Only talk to him if he confesses that he wants to give it another try. Not "lets meet for coffee," not "let's get together and get sexy," not "I miss you." Anything other than "I want to see you and give this another try" is unacceptable. You can plan to *accidentally* bump into him and show off the fabulous new you after a period of NC. I would wait until you've ignored him for a few months. You could find out from a friend if he's going to be somewhere public and walk by and be like, "OMG, hi." And just be friendly and confident and say goodbye quickly. If he wants you back he'll eventually say it. And at that point, you'll be back in the dating game and you might not even want him back! That's my best advice. Good luck Edited July 28, 2014 by ASortaFairytaleWY Link to post Share on other sites
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