reconnecting with long-distance ex

[newlyborn]

my relationship ended over a year ago. it had been a 2-year relationship, most of which was spent in the same place, in my city. my ex moved away for work and a few months later (and days before our next scheduled visit), he broke up with me by phone. he claimed that missing me was unbearable, that he felt that he was failing me, that his work was suffering. he never came out and said he wanted to breakup. he complained miserably for an hour until i gave in and called everything off, and he said okay and offered to pay for my cancelled flight. it was all very agonizing and confusing.

 

we have not spoken since, except two email exchanges in which he apologized and asked to be in touch (i declined) and when i tried to get money for my plane ticket that he promised and never sent.

 

i will be moving to his city for work in two months time. should i contact him after a year of silence? (i have him blocked on everything so have no idea if he tried to reach me beyond those few emails.) i have family and friends in his city, as well as new work colleagues, so i can get myself established without him. the relationship had been very loving, and he is a nice man. should i try to be friends? would it disrupt his life too much to hear from me? would he feel disrespected if he heard through the grapevine and not from me that i have moved to town?

 

fyi: i have dated since our breakup but am currently single and still a bit hurt by the way he left my life. would love to get advice here.

Edited July 6, 2014 by newlyborn

[d0nnivain]

If the distance was what broke you up, after you arrive you can reach out & tell him you have moved. I'd probably unblock him from something to determine if he has a GF before you try to reconnect though

[justwhoiam]

i will be moving to his city for work in two months time. should i contact him after a year of silence?

No.

 

i have him blocked on everything so have no idea if he tried to reach me beyond those few emails.

So what? I bet he has your home address. If he wanted to reach you, he knew how.

 

should i try to be friends?

No!

 

would it disrupt his life too much to hear from me?

Who cares?? He still owes you money, and didn't keep his word. That to me speaks louder than anything else.

 

would he feel disrespected if he heard through the grapevine and not from me that i have moved to town?

No. He wanted the breakup. He had it. You don't owe him any explanation about anything.

 

It might happen you'll meet him in town. That's very possible. If and when that happens, just act natural. Happy and easygoing. Maybe he'll regret his decision. Maybe he has a new girlfriend. Who knows.

[Moonborn]

It seems that you are over the guy, so I don't think that trying to contact him would do any harm. At worst if he doesn't want to see you he will say no. And who knows, you may even get that money back .

[lop98]

I would settle there first, wait a couple months, then maybe get in touch. These blasts from the past can be surprisingly stressful, even if you think you're over it for the most part, they can suddenly reignite a lot of emotions and I don't think you need any of that when relocating and learning to appreciate a new place. He's certainly not dying to get in touch with you, if so he would've done so by now... despite being blocked, no one's completely "unreachable" these days, even a fake email account does the trick, so just think about it and focus for now on the big move instead of the past with this man.

[newlyborn]

so, i took the excellent advice i got on here and never contacted my ex when i moved a few months ago to his city.

 

he did hear through the grapevine (shared professional circles) that i was in town and he sent me a slew of emails to my work email address: to welcome me to town, tell me he was surprised and happy i was here now, to ask why i didn't contact him, ask me how i am settling in, etc. i only answered one email, and that was just a brief response to say that i had been offered a position in his city and that everything was awesome so far and to wish him well. i thought that would be the end of things. but then after two weeks of silence, he wrote again and asked me if i would have dinner with him.

 

we have not actually had a conversation since our breakup. i have heard from a mutual friend that he is single. but i have just started dating someone in my new city. i am glad my ex asked me to dinner. it seems the courteous thing to do. but i am not sure if i should go. thoughts please???

Edited November 3, 2014 by newlyborn

[IfiKnewThen]

i just hope he doesnt get broken hearted. seeing hes single and ur not. did u tell him that? if he says he ok with it...then go to dinner. if not...dont. that would be my advise

[newlyborn]

so, does the fact that he asked me to go to dinner automatically mean that he wants to try again?

[newlyborn]

BUMP

 

any other thoughts here???

[IfiKnewThen]

sounds like hes not afraid to face you and take it from there. thats for sure

[Miss_S]

Call me a romantically hopeless person. Sometimes in life we made some decision that we may not be happy about. It really doesn't matter why things had ended, after all that's the past.

 

What's important is that do you still have the feeling for him. The "him" NOW. And why not a dinner date or two before you decide? One year isn't a long time, but there may be some changes.

 

Remember, it's a DATE. Of course, if the sparks are still burning, then on one romantic night, you may want to access if he's still someone who will give you up so readily.

 

So, my take. Date him, just don't forget to guard your heart.

[clementyne]

Take a chance and say yes to that dinner. If only to catch up and test the water. See where you both stand now. Never know what could happen unless you give it a shot. And don't forget to come back and update us on what happened. Have fun!

[jphcbpa]

Agree to the dinner. You still have feelings for him...I can feel it. Play it super cool like you have been. Make him work for you.

[newlyborn]

you are right. i do still have feelings for him, though i like the person that i am dating now (for a month.) all of my friends have told me not to do it because it was so hard for me to get over him. i am thinking i might just wait and see if he reaches out again before deciding. if he really wants to see me, he will continue to be in touch. right?

[d0nnivain]

If you have not already told the new guy that you two are exclusive, I don't see the harm in having dinner with the EX.

 

If you & the new guy are exclusive, I would change your meeting with the EX to lunch considering your professional connections & invite others along.

[clementyne]

you are right. i do still have feelings for him, though i like the person that i am dating now (for a month.) all of my friends have told me not to do it because it was so hard for me to get over him. i am thinking i might just wait and see if he reaches out again before deciding. if he really wants to see me, he will continue to be in touch. right?

 

What if he doesn't reach out again (thinking you're not interested)? How would it make you feel...disappointed? Relieved? Indifferent?

Edited November 5, 2014 by clementyne

[newlyborn]

honestly, i would feel disappointed.

 

but i do want to see where things can go with the new guy, and i have just arrived into my new city. i am not sure that i can handle the anxiety that goes with reconnecting with an ex. i was sooo in love with him, and planned a life with him. he dumped me by phone and simply never picked up that phone again.

 

my plan is to do nothing for now - since i don't feel confident enough to say yes or no. and i don't want to get hurt again - or lose my interest in the new guy since the ex is back.

[xUnknown]

I'm with Jphcbpa and Donnovin...

 

If you're exclusive (in a relationship) don't go on the date.

 

But, you want to regardless. If you're not in the relationship, you're free to do so. Test the waters. See how things are. I would be thrilled (if I were either one of you) that I had this opportunity.

 

Take it.

[IfiKnewThen]

if you can handle it and they can....its a go, likely

 

you have to tell both guys about the other. its best

[Standard-Fare]

If you still have feelings for him, and you truly believe that distance was the cause your breakup, then it seems worth trying to reconnect in some way.

 

However, as others have pointed out, it's important to remember that he never went out of his way to reach out/apologize/profess his continued love during that time of separation. So he probably never had that epiphany moment of "Oh my God, I made a terrible mistake, I let the person I love go. We should try harder at this." It seems more like, he found out you're in town, and now that it's convenient and easy (and he's still single), he's curious about you.

 

It would probably be very easy to just dive right back into something with him, but if I were you I'd make a point of trying to reestablish a friendship first. Like, don't sleep with him after this meetup. Don't even kiss him. Play it cool, guard your heart, let him know you've been doing some dating. You shouldn't automatically press "play" after the long pause.

[newlyborn]

so this happened with the new guy:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/502367-hit-quit

 

i feel awful. maybe when i feel a bit stronger, i will have that dinner with my ex after all...

[IfiKnewThen]

newly........

 

go out with your x. but dont tell him this story . i read it. guys dont like to hear about other guys and dont talk about ur sex life with them. period.

 

save that for ur girlfriends and this forum.

 

but though ur hurting and lost trust. muster up the strength and go on the date with the ex.

[dclan]

If you still have feelings for him, and you truly believe that distance was the cause your breakup, then it seems worth trying to reconnect in some way.

 

However, as others have pointed out, it's important to remember that he never went out of his way to reach out/apologize/profess his continued love during that time of separation. So he probably never had that epiphany moment of "Oh my God, I made a terrible mistake, I let the person I love go. We should try harder at this." It seems more like, he found out you're in town, and now that it's convenient and easy (and he's still single), he's curious about you.

 

It would probably be very easy to just dive right back into something with him, but if I were you I'd make a point of trying to reestablish a friendship first. Like, don't sleep with him after this meetup. Don't even kiss him. Play it cool, guard your heart, let him know you've been doing some dating. You shouldn't automatically press "play" after the long pause.

 

I sort of agree with this, except for the statement that he never had the "epiphany" moment.

 

Honestly, you can't know that.

 

Maybe he did miss her, maybe he did regrett it.

 

Just because he didn't get in touch, isn't evidence of what he feels. Maybe he was hurt too and he himself wanted to move on.

 

Just because someone doesn't do "the right thing", doesn't mean they are not feeling it.

 

Never expect the dumper to come back apologising, screaming "I LOVE YOU I MADE A MISTAKE", because they won't, even if thats what they truly feel.

 

Some want to do it but are afraid, others too proud, others don't realise what they've done until its too late so end up thinking its pointless to do it.

 

:laugh:

[h20-50]

I sort of agree with this, except for the statement that he never had the "epiphany" moment.

 

Honestly, you can't know that.

 

Maybe he did miss her, maybe he did regrett it.

 

Just because he didn't get in touch, isn't evidence of what he feels. Maybe he was hurt too and he himself wanted to move on.

 

Just because someone doesn't do "the right thing", doesn't mean they are not feeling it.

 

Never expect the dumper to come back apologising, screaming "I LOVE YOU I MADE A MISTAKE", because they won't, even if thats what they truly feel.

 

Some want to do it but are afraid, others too proud, others don't realise what they've done until its too late so end up thinking its pointless to do it.

 

:laugh:

 

I understand what you're saying and you raise a good point. HOWEVER the question I would ask myself is if I would want someone who didn't have the courage, or was too proud, or thought it was pointless to express what they truly feel for someone. To me that is weakness and insecureties coming through.

 

I need someone who isn't afraid to fight, doesn't run from emotions and feelings and isn't afraid to admit that they were wrong. Emotional maturity is a healthy thing and is a good foundation for a stable relationship. Running from emotions and feelings for the reasons you listed isn't healthy and in my experience the person will continue that same pattern.

[jphcbpa]

I understand what you're saying and you raise a good point. HOWEVER the question I would ask myself is if I would want someone who didn't have the courage, or was too proud, or thought it was pointless to express what they truly feel for someone. To me that is weakness and insecureties coming through.

 

I need someone who isn't afraid to fight, doesn't run from emotions and feelings and isn't afraid to admit that they were wrong. Emotional maturity is a healthy thing and is a good foundation for a stable relationship. Running from emotions and feelings for the reasons you listed isn't healthy and in my experience the person will continue that same pattern.

 

Agree with this. 6 months ago, I connected with someone online for a short while and I ended it (we had only exchanged a few emails) because I was not ready. I back away from her and online dating. 2 weeks ago, she was on my mind....strongly. I found a way to get in touch with her and sent her an email inviting her to explore our connection. We have a date this evening. Point is, I was putting myself out there by reconnecting and you never know unless you ask. Glad I did. I want a partner who is willing to do the same....put down the pride, check the ego at the door, be vulnerable and go after what they want.