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what does it take to be more than breadcrumbs?


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There's a lot of talk on here about when you are contacted by an ex after a period of NC, what is contact worth responding to versus contact best ignored. Most of the time, it seems, the contact turns out to be breadcrumbs meant more to alleviate guilt than to make a meaningful, ongoing reconnection.

 

So...what would make an out-of-the-blue contact by an ex more than a breadcrumb? What would he or she have to say/do? Should s/he give up if at first you don't respond, or keep trying until you cave?

 

I was in a relationship from 2002-2007 and it ended badly, with a cruel email from my ex saying basically that he did not wish to talk to me again. The email was in February of 2007 and it took me a long time to accept that I'd never hear from him again. And then, in October 2008 he called me and said (I still remember it verbatim), "Hi GreenCove, it's J. calling. Just...calling to say hi and wanted to see if we could talk in the near future."

 

It seemed like a dream come true and affected me very deeply, even though I had moved across the country by then and was in another relationship (but having doubts). How could I not return his call when I had wished for it for so long? Well, I didn't return the call, and the reason was because he didn't give me any clue as to WHY he was calling me after all this time. The breakup hurt me terribly; I had to work so hard to move forward with my life in the aftermath that I felt I could not risk calling him back only to find that indeed, he just wanted to "say hi"--i.e., shoot the breeze and then disappear from my life again.

 

It makes me wonder: is it reasonable to expect an ex to say, "I want you back" right off the bat when a long time has passed and s/he has no idea where your mind is, whether you're involved with someone else, whether you still live in the same area, etc.? What makes for a viable reconciliation scenario?

 

Just thinking about this because when we aren't the ones to end the relationship, we can't help but be wistful for at least an OFFER of reconciliation, even if in NC we come to realize that the relationship wasn't right for us. I'm curious what the reality looks like, when there is meaningful contact and there might be a real chance at reconciliation.

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It doesn't happen on the phone, it happens in person. Merely agreeing to meet and actually going there are basically saying that you're open to whatever he has to say. And he'll give real reasons, not just "I miss you so so much", well for some reason he didn't miss you the past months/years. Old trick but a good one too.

 

And while he might not say that he wants you back right off the bat, he'll at the very least make strong hint towards this as his intention.

Don't ask for it yourself, and most importantly if he gives you no real answer you walk and get back to NC as any further contact would be a waste of time.

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It doesn't happen on the phone, it happens in person.

 

But how does it get to the point where an in-person meeting is arranged? What does a person need to say as first contact in a long time--via phone, email or letter--in order to make it reasonable that you'd meet with them in person?

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FredJones80
But how does it get to the point where an in-person meeting is arranged? What does a person need to say as first contact in a long time--via phone, email or letter--in order to make it reasonable that you'd meet with them in person?

 

GreenCove, unless you have actually had something I figure you should drop this. I know we all get butterflies thinking of "situations" or how it would come about, but in reality that is all it is. The chances of it happening are remote :( Sorry to burst your bubble.

 

I do agree with you though, I doubt someone would just come out and say "i want you back" after X months/years. They would probably ask if you wanted to meet up, it'd then be for you to ask why. If they said to reminisce and talk about good old times then they're probably just reaching out as a friend.

 

Either way, its unlikely to happen.

 

I wish everyone here that at least one of us gets it!

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I wasn't thinking of this particularly in relation to my situation, Fred. Just exactly what you're saying: that real reconciliations are highly, highly unlikely. That's the reality, and yet we who are coping all hover to some degree and for some length of time around the possibility or hope that the breakup is a temporary blip in the trajectory of shared lives.

 

I know that reconciliations DO happen from time to time, but my guess is that they only occur either very shortly after the breakup (it's a lot easier to say, "I made a huge mistake" a month after the breakup than a year after it, and then together make the necessary mutual concessions to resume the relationship), or long after the pain of the breakup has passed and both parties have fully moved on with their lives.

 

In the NY Times I read an article about a couple who dated all through college and then parted ways, no contact. Three years later the guy sent the girl a text that said, "If I called you, would you answer?" She replied, "Of course." And they got to talking, and it developed into a whole new relationship that led to them marrying a few years later. ANd that was the thing: it was a whole new relationship.

 

Which brings us to the true reality of the whole breakup aftermath, which is this: The truth is not found in the question of whether reconciliations can happen. Of course they can; we've read about them and seen movies about them and maybe know a couple in person with a beautiful reconciliation story. This gives us hope. The truth, however, is that when someone breaks up with you, it's completely over. That's the only way you can take it. Done. Dead. Gone, completely. If there is to be a reconciliation, life will make it happen. One of you will reach out because IT FEELS RIGHT. And if you're the one reached out to, you'll answer, or not, if IT FEELS RIGHT. Neither party can know in advance what will feel right. Life just has to take its course.

 

Do you agree?

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FredJones80
I wasn't thinking of this particularly in relation to my situation, Fred. Just exactly what you're saying: that real reconciliations are highly, highly unlikely. That's the reality, and yet we who are coping all hover to some degree and for some length of time around the possibility or hope that the breakup is a temporary blip in the trajectory of shared lives.

 

I know that reconciliations DO happen from time to time, but my guess is that they only occur either very shortly after the breakup (it's a lot easier to say, "I made a huge mistake" a month after the breakup than a year after it, and then together make the necessary mutual concessions to resume the relationship), or long after the pain of the breakup has passed and both parties have fully moved on with their lives.

 

In the NY Times I read an article about a couple who dated all through college and then parted ways, no contact. Three years later the guy sent the girl a text that said, "If I called you, would you answer?" She replied, "Of course." And they got to talking, and it developed into a whole new relationship that led to them marrying a few years later. ANd that was the thing: it was a whole new relationship.

 

Which brings us to the true reality of the whole breakup aftermath, which is this: The truth is not found in the question of whether reconciliations can happen. Of course they can; we've read about them and seen movies about them and maybe know a couple in person with a beautiful reconciliation story. This gives us hope. The truth, however, is that when someone breaks up with you, it's completely over. That's the only way you can take it. Done. Dead. Gone, completely. If there is to be a reconciliation, life will make it happen. One of you will reach out because IT FEELS RIGHT. And if you're the one reached out to, you'll answer, or not, if IT FEELS RIGHT. Neither party can know in advance what will feel right. Life just has to take its course.

 

Do you agree?

 

Agreed and I understand your original question. I guess if you get breadcrumbs but "think" it might be something more you would have to be clear that unless there is a chance of reconciling then please do not contact me again and stick to that.

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PhillyConnection23

The idea that after years of being separated an ex will just contact you randomly and say "I want you back" is ridiculous and frankly, probably someone you shouldn't want to be around.

 

However, do people reflect on previous relationships and ask "what if?" Absolutely. They reach out and will ask you how you are doing because that is how people generally communicate with each other. If this leads to something more maybe you will meet up for coffee or maybe it will lead to dinner and then go from there. But, if the break up is fresh and someone shoots a breadcrumb your way, I would argue it is probably just to help them cope or relieve guilt.

 

So how would I say when something is sincere or not? I wouldn't. I don't think there is a clear answer but I definitely think time is a factor and every relationship is different. You need to make a judgement about the individual reaching out to you but you should be ready for everything to just be a friendly attempt to speak with you...not the love of your life returning.

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The person would probably reach out to test the waters, and it would be up to you if you wanted to gamble with seeing them or not. The entire thing is a gamble. Most people don't advocate taking the gamble because it usually doesn't pay off. Your ex would most likely want to meet up to chat or something. Most likely, they won't even contact you, which is best. That way, you won't need to make any tough decisions.

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The idea that after years of being separated an ex will just contact you randomly and say "I want you back" is ridiculous and frankly, probably someone you shouldn't want to be around.

 

However, do people reflect on previous relationships and ask "what if?" Absolutely. They reach out and will ask you how you are doing because that is how people generally communicate with each other. If this leads to something more maybe you will meet up for coffee or maybe it will lead to dinner and then go from there. But, if the break up is fresh and someone shoots a breadcrumb your way, I would argue it is probably just to help them cope or relieve guilt.

 

So how would I say when something is sincere or not? I wouldn't. I don't think there is a clear answer but I definitely think time is a factor and every relationship is different. You need to make a judgement about the individual reaching out to you but you should be ready for everything to just be a friendly attempt to speak with you...not the love of your life returning.

 

I agree with this entirely. I think the reality is that if an ex reaches out, it would be with a breadcrumb like, "Hi, I heard this song the other day and it made me think of you. How are things? I'd really love to catch up sometime." You really can't expect more than this and so I suppose no matter what the intent is of your ex, s/he will have to start out with a "breadcrumb." And I agree with you and BC1980 that because of this, it's a gamble regarding whether to respond. But it's also unfair, I think, to demand that they either state that they want you back or leave you alone, unless the relationship ended badly.

 

There, I suppose, is the lesson to dumpers to do their utmost to be honest and direct when ending the relationship, and end on as good terms as possible without inflicting additional agony by being a jerk about it. You should just do that out of kindness, but also that way, should you ever wonder, What if?, there's less likelihood that your ex will remember you as a jerk, and therefore more likelihood of being well received if you reach out after some time has passed.

 

And I suppose the overarching lesson for us all is to aim for forgiveness at the end of the healing process. Forgive your dumper ex for ending the relationship in perhaps not the most sensitive of ways. Whether done sensitively or insensitively, breakups still hurt; perhaps he or she did the best s/he could at the time. Down the road as the dumpee you can decide whether your ex is a person you'd ever really want to talk to again. It could be that they showed such an egregious lack of character that any communication with them in the future is a waste of time and energy.

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And I suppose the overarching lesson for us all is to aim for forgiveness at the end of the healing process. Forgive your dumper ex for ending the relationship in perhaps not the most sensitive of ways. Whether done sensitively or insensitively, breakups still hurt; perhaps he or she did the best s/he could at the time. Down the road as the dumpee you can decide whether your ex is a person you'd ever really want to talk to again. It could be that they showed such an egregious lack of character that any communication with them in the future is a waste of time and energy.

 

I completely agree. It makes me feel at peace with the situation when I think of it like that.

 

To play devil's advocate, consider things from the dumper's point of view. They are hesitant to contact you after so long because they remember who you were and have no idea who you are now. The fact that they would reach out means you were important to them, and they would like to see if that's still the case. People inevitably change, and they are nervous to see how you have changed, so they take it slow. I would personally be creeped out if they came at me full throttle...

 

Now whether it's your ex or someone completely new you're meeting for the first time, it makes no difference. We all want to be the best version of ourselves possible (as we should). We want to leave an impression that makes people think, "wow, that's someone I'd like to know." You can't go wrong if you pursue a life that makes you into that person. I think of this when I feel like being lazy and not accomplishing anything in a day :)

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Ordinaryday

a few people have said on the breakups page that you should NOT respond to anything from the dumper except for "dumping you was the biggest mistake of my life. I will do anything to prove to you I am committed to be with you again".

 

people have responded, on the breakup board, with something similar to what is said here: "that is ridiculous! no dumper is going to outright say that" and the response those people got was great: "then obviously the dumper did not want to reconcile that much! because unless they are prepared to state in no uncertain terms that they want you back, they obviously aren't fully committed to their decision and they are just wasting your time! ANYTHING other than a full disclosure of them wanting you back is breadcrumbs".

 

and I know people say to that "but my dumper would NEVER do that" and then sadly obviously the dumper does not want to be with you that much. because if they truly needed to be with you they would do WHATEVER it takes to make it happen.

 

that is why I would NEVER accept anything less than "dumping you was a huge mistake. please take me back". Any "Hi, how are you?", "how did you go on your exams?", "good luck with your studies", "happy birthday!" and other similar messages get deleted without responding.

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Ordinaryday, the dumper may well not want to get back with you. That doesn't mean that they are being manipulative and out to hurt you. Expecting it to be that black and white is unrealistic.

 

That said, overly superficial greetings like "good luck with your studies" and "happy birthday!" are often unwelcome and misguided. It's condescending when they pretend they didn't hurt you, and you are totally justified in ignoring them. It's up to them to approach you with respect, and you to recognize sincerity.

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Simon Phoenix
Ordinaryday, the dumper may well not want to get back with you. That doesn't mean that they are being manipulative and out to hurt you. Expecting it to be that black and white is unrealistic.

 

That said, overly superficial greetings like "good luck with your studies" and "happy birthday!" are often unwelcome and misguided. It's condescending when they pretend they didn't hurt you, and you are totally justified in ignoring them. It's up to them to approach you with respect, and you to recognize sincerity.

 

It's not up to the dumpee to do anything. They weren't the ones to break up the relationship, therefore they don't have to do anything if they choose not to. The dumper should do the lion's share of the work. As far as the "the dumper will never come straight out and tell you they made a mistake and want you back", well, every successful reconciliation I know of in my life had that happen.

 

Dumpers aren't necessarily wrong for dumping. But if they want you back, they better be prepared to put out the extra effort. And the dumpee doesn't have to help them at all, and if they're still hurting, they shouldn't.

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I see your point of view, OrdinaryDay.

 

When only one person in a relationship wanted the breakup, or when the relationship had gotten to a point where it was damaging both parties, there are wounds that must be acknowledged, apologized for and forgiven before any reconciliation can take place. After all, that's the definition of reconciliation.

 

And that's why you're right, OrdinaryDay, in that given the prior hurt, for a dumper to casually initiate contact ("Wondering how you've been"; "Called to say hi"; What's new with you it has been so long"; etc.) it's meaningless without some sort of apology or acknowledgement of the past hurt.

 

When I got broken up with in early 2007, the breakup stirred up so much in me that it shed new light on all kinds of things. A few years before that I'd had a falling out with a good friend and we'd not spoken since. I thought all that time that he was in the wrong, but with my 2007 breakup came a flash of clarity that in fact I, too, played a big hand in causing the fallout. And so, full of emotion I called my old friend out of the blue. His voicemail picked up, and I left a message telling him my new insight, apologizing for blaming him and for not recognizing until now the role I'd played. He called me back and apologized for his role and thanked me for calling and apologizing after all this time. He said it meant a lot to him. We had a few more contacts and catch-ups, and it became clear I think to us both that while we still cared about each other, our friendship was over; we had outgrown our friendship and each other.

 

We didn't speak again except to friend each other on Facebook, but I think my apology and our interactions in its wake helped heal the old wounds and enabled us to go forward in our lives with lighter hearts, fonder memories, and, for me at least, a sense of richness, of meaningfulness and radiating from that, gratitude.

 

For me, this experience was a lesson in it never being too late or ineffectual to issue a genuine apology. I think many of us in the breakup/coping section would like at least that. And maybe that in itself is more than a breadcrumb (and better than a full relationship reconciliation, in some cases!).

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PhillyConnection23

I really don't agree with this whole "dumper should reach out and do everything because they ruined the relationship, they pooped in the punch bowl, they shattered my life, etc."

 

Any successful reconciliation whether it is between former lovers, siblings, friends, children and parents happens because someone sends a message and requires both parties to be willing to make it work. You can't make reconciliation work if you sit around and wait for someone to send a perfect message to you. Just like you couldn't sit around and wait for the person you just started dating to say "I love you, lets move in together and spend our lives together." Both take work from both parties.

 

If you are too afraid of being hurt again by that person, that is fine. Ignore them and move on. But if you are serious about being with someone again...fortune favors the bold. Its a gamble but if you are willing to risk it, the pay off could be life changing.

 

Living your life afraid of being hurt isn't living.

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I really don't agree with this whole "dumper should reach out and do everything because they ruined the relationship, they pooped in the punch bowl, they shattered my life, etc."

 

Any successful reconciliation whether it is between former lovers, siblings, friends, children and parents happens because someone sends a message and requires both parties to be willing to make it work. You can't make reconciliation work if you sit around and wait for someone to send a perfect message to you. Just like you couldn't sit around and wait for the person you just started dating to say "I love you, lets move in together and spend our lives together." Both take work from both parties.

 

If you are too afraid of being hurt again by that person, that is fine. Ignore them and move on. But if you are serious about being with someone again...fortune favors the bold. Its a gamble but if you are willing to risk it, the pay off could be life changing.

 

Living your life afraid of being hurt isn't living.

 

I LOVE this perspective and I 100% agree, that "fortune favors the bold" and "living your life afraid of being hurt isn't living." And I think breakups, as much as they are draining, are also opportunities to ask yourself some hard questions.

 

I think in the Breakups forums we encourage each other NOT to contact the dumper, because for whatever reason they have told you they do not want a relationship with you. Right or wrong, they have decided to gamble you for something "better"--where "better" might be an elusive notion that even they are not clear about. I'll say this again, because the idea is huge:

 

THE DUMPER HAS DECIDED TO GAMBLE YOU FOR SOMETHING BETTER. They push you out into the middle of the table and roll the dice. Like the gambler's chips, you are worth something to the gambler a.k.a. the dumper; you actually might be worth a whole lot to them. But they have decided to deal with whatever unhappiness they have--about themselves, your relationship, their career, whatever it is--by giving you up.

 

The reason we say, "Don't contact the dumper" is because they have made a decision that essentially removes you from the equation. They have closed their life to you--with all its accompanying plans and hopes. They don't want your blessing or input on whether you think ending the relationship is the right step to take; if they did, they'd have asked you. Their decision is all about THEM and where they'd like to see their life go next, and they quite explicitly do not see you as part of that picture. This means that at the time they follow through with breaking up with you, you ALREADY are out of the picture. You are INTRUDING from that point on if you seek contact.

 

This is particularly difficult to accept if you feel their reasons for ending a relationship with you were immature or somehow misguided. E.g., a serial cheater breaking up with you because s/he thinks the NEXT lover in the line of lovers will bring the happiness that has eluded them thus far. Obviously that notion is wrong, since they justified cheating on the previous person with you with the same logic. But you can't reason with them; you have to let them go to try to create the picture of their future that they, at the time of the breakup, are so clear does not include you.

 

This is where you get to ask yourself some hard questions. Now that your ex has shown his or her full hand by making a firm and final decision regarding your relationship, how do you view them? Do their actions and values match up with yours? In the example of the serial cheater I give above, if that were your ex, what do you think of someone who is stuck in the fantasy that happiness is to be found in the next lover, and not the one he or she has in hand? What do you think of someone whose path of pursuit to happiness contains blatant deceit? Even accounting for all the good, charming, caring, etc. characteristics this hypothetical person probably has (or you'd not be in a relationship with them), what does their behavior tell you about their readiness to be a partner in the kind of committed, long-term relationship YOU want? YOUR future picture was a committed, long-term relationship and you thought this person could be in it with you. But looking at them with the blinders off, you can now see that they do NOT fit in this picture. If you want that picture you built in your heart and mind ever to become your reality, YOU have to drop the person from YOUR picture.

 

Longing for this person to want you is understandable but futile--NOT because they broke up with you, but because this person does not fit the picture of the future you want for yourself. This is how you take back some of the control, and regain your confidence and dignity. Once you have asked those hard questions, taken a good hard look at the reality, and healed your ego with time and effort, then if you want to reach out to your ex as a sort of, "Hey, I really care about you and you mattered in my life and will always matter to me to some extent," then that's great.

 

But I think often what the hard questioning reveals to you is that perhaps, for one reason or other, you put your ex on a pedestal. Your ex is not the person you thought they were. Going back to the example of the serial cheater ex, it's really bad character to make commitments to people and then deceive them. It's even WORSE character to KNOW that you are a person who has done this historically, and yet be content to continue doing it. So you must ask yourself: recognizing this, DOES this person really have value to you, to make it worthwhile to resume any contact with them?

 

Probably not. And if you're not sure, remember this: bad character never, or rarely, does the right thing, the thing you'd expect/hope them to do. People of poor character do sometimes to the right thing, here and there, there's no predicting when come flash of conscience will hit them, and when it does it usually disappears in the same flash in which it came. So why do you want to bother with all that?--to reach out after all this hard questioning and the personal journey we of conscience and self-awareness take following a breakup, only to have some hollow catch-up when you'd hoped to have a more meaningful interchange, perhaps to hear an, "I'm sorry," SOMETHING that acknowledges the role you once played in each others' lives?

 

When my ex I was with from January 2002 until February 2007 called me out of the blue in October 2008 "to say hi," in his words, perhaps he was calling to make amends for the rather harsh way he broke up with me. Perhaps he even was calling having wondered, "What if?" and was gingerly feeling out the possibility of a reconciliation. I'll never know, because though wracked me so much it made me ill for several weeks, no joke, I did not return his call. And it wasn't, I now realize, because I was afraid of getting hurt again. It was because from FIVE YEARS' WORTH of experience with him and with his inability to communicate around important relationship issues (he'd shut down, or push things under the rug and then take them out passive aggressively), I figured it was a pretty high likelihood that if I called back he'd just shoot the breeze to satisfy his curiosity and never tackle any of the hard stuff, or do so at such a snail's pace over a number of conversations that the blood would dry in my veins. IT JUST WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. In MY picture, I want someone who will communicate, who will take responsibility for their wrongs. Calling "to say hi" was the same wimpy way he dealt with everything in our relationship and so I pretty much knew he wasn't going to break out of that pattern to say the things I wanted to hear that would earn him a place back in my life, even as an acquaintance.

 

So maybe that's the thing. Fortune favors the bold, but sometimes the most bold thing is to use a breakup to get really, really clear about what you want and need in a relationship, and hold out for that and only that. If after all that introspection and hard questioning you recognize that your ex fits into that picture, then you, bold person, know what you need to do.

 

Jesus. I didn't mean to write a novel. I wrote this out, thinking aloud, and kind-of came to the conclusion I did while in the process of writing. I'd love to hear your thoughts, if you've read this far. :bunny:

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Simon Phoenix
I really don't agree with this whole "dumper should reach out and do everything because they ruined the relationship, they pooped in the punch bowl, they shattered my life, etc."

 

Any successful reconciliation whether it is between former lovers, siblings, friends, children and parents happens because someone sends a message and requires both parties to be willing to make it work. You can't make reconciliation work if you sit around and wait for someone to send a perfect message to you. Just like you couldn't sit around and wait for the person you just started dating to say "I love you, lets move in together and spend our lives together." Both take work from both parties.

 

If you are too afraid of being hurt again by that person, that is fine. Ignore them and move on. But if you are serious about being with someone again...fortune favors the bold. Its a gamble but if you are willing to risk it, the pay off could be life changing.

 

Living your life afraid of being hurt isn't living.

 

Sorry, but I'm going to disagree with a lot of this and I'm talking from the perspective of a person that is still hung up a bit on their dumper. I mean, if the dumpee is neutral and really doesn't care at all about the past and indifferent and go-with-the-flow about a future with the dumper, then do what you want. But 99 percent of the dumpees on here are not in the state of mind where they can handle that. Fortune does favor the bold, but there's a difference in having the equipment to be bold and just being a random gambler in Vegas desperately hoping for a "heater". One ends up with a house on the beach, the other ends up in serious debt and despair with no credit. Most people on this site are closer to the latter, therefore caution is advised over boldness for them.

 

You're right that eventually the dumpee has to hear what the dumper has to say, but it's up to the dumper to come correct. It's not up to the dumpee to fill in the blanks and make the dumper's job easier. It's not up to the dumpee to fix the dumper's mess and to give them the materials to build the bridge. Now, if the dumpee feels that the dumper is serious and not just flaking around, then they could eventually guide the building process, but it's not up to the dumpee to cut the ex "slack". I mean, did the dumper cut the ex slack when he or she broke the dumpee's heart back in the day? Not so much. As for the argument that the dumper had reason to break up with the dumpee, that is true. But if the dumper is coming back around, they should be coming back to take the ex back as is, not with conditions.

 

It has nothing to do with being afraid. It's just making sure that the other person is serious in their motivations and not just wasting everyone's time. If that causes the dumper to jump through hoops, than so be it. In my experience, if they are really serious about it, they will jump through those hoops and if they aren't willing to, than they aren't really serious about the reconciliation. If you want back in my life, prove it. My time is money and worthwhile.

 

Now, the dumpee doesn't need to be a prick and torment the dumper along the way -- I'm not advocating that at all -- but skepticism isn't weak in situations like this. It's smart. If the dumper can eradicate it, then awesome, but I'm not going to give them directions on how to do so.

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FredJones80

Jesus. I didn't mean to write a novel. I wrote this out, thinking aloud, and kind-of came to the conclusion I did while in the process of writing. I'd love to hear your thoughts, if you've read this far. :bunny:

 

I don't have much to say but I enjoyed reading this, thank you :)

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HeartbrokenNewbie

We are all humans, we all tell each other that begging loses self respect and the respect from others, we are continuously told this when we want them back.. now turn that situation around... why would they beg? No healthy relationship is based on begging and no one should beg anyone else that goes both ways. If both of you want to work it out then you should but no one should expect anyone to beg anyone else x

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Simon Phoenix
We are all humans, we all tell each other that begging loses self respect and the respect from others, we are continuously told this when we want them back.. now turn that situation around... why would they beg? No healthy relationship is based on begging and no one should beg anyone else that goes both ways. If both of you want to work it out then you should but no one should expect anyone to beg anyone else x

 

Being fortright and direct is not the same as begging. No one wants anyone to beg, but a dumper needs to be willing to go out on a limb, so to speak.

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Being fortright and direct is not the same as begging. No one wants anyone to beg, but a dumper needs to be willing to go out on a limb, so to speak.

 

I agree with this. If you end the relationship and the other person didn't want it to end, you can't reach out months or years later and gloss over the fact that the other person felt, at least initially, very betrayed and hurt by your decision. There may still be hurt remaining at the time of contact; there may not--but the dumper has to at least acknowledge the possibility that there is still pain, and tread accordingly.

 

I guess it all boils down to integrity. This is what someone with integrity would do. And those without integrity--well, I suppose they do the kinds of things you read about here. You don't want to be with someone who lacks integrity.

 

Though here is my problem, right here; can anyone else relate? My problem is that I'll recognize a lack of integrity--nothing egregious, just something along the lines of a lack of courage or of forthright communication--and because I really care about / love the person, I'll make excuses for them. I'll tell myself not to be too "high and mighty" and hold them to a standard that yes, I hold for myself, but that truthfully most people don't even bother to try to strive for. So I brush aside my disappointment that it's much less than I would have done, were I in the other person's shoes, and I pick up their slack by forgiving them and reopening my heart to them. If I didn't love them, I'd not do this.

 

But all this has gotten me are poor relationships with people who are not willing to really look at themselves and, when the inevitable crossroads is reached in the relationship, where something has to change, they bail rather than make an effort.

 

So what's the fair standard? I imagine it's more where Simon Phoenix says it is.

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FredJones80

But all this has gotten me are poor relationships with people who are not willing to really look at themselves and, when the inevitable crossroads is reached in the relationship, where something has to change, they bail rather than make an effort.

 

Couldn't agree with you more GreenCove... I guess we have to be a little more selective and make sure the other half is doing the other 50% of the work.

 

If it ain't 50/50 then we're coming back here again ;)

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I agree with this. If you end the relationship and the other person didn't want it to end, you can't reach out months or years later and gloss over the fact that the other person felt, at least initially, very betrayed and hurt by your decision. There may still be hurt remaining at the time of contact; there may not--but the dumper has to at least acknowledge the possibility that there is still pain, and tread accordingly.

 

I guess it all boils down to integrity. This is what someone with integrity would do. And those without integrity--well, I suppose they do the kinds of things you read about here. You don't want to be with someone who lacks integrity.

 

Though here is my problem, right here; can anyone else relate? My problem is that I'll recognize a lack of integrity--nothing egregious, just something along the lines of a lack of courage or of forthright communication--and because I really care about / love the person, I'll make excuses for them. I'll tell myself not to be too "high and mighty" and hold them to a standard that yes, I hold for myself, but that truthfully most people don't even bother to try to strive for. So I brush aside my disappointment that it's much less than I would have done, were I in the other person's shoes, and I pick up their slack by forgiving them and reopening my heart to them. If I didn't love them, I'd not do this.

 

But all this has gotten me are poor relationships with people who are not willing to really look at themselves and, when the inevitable crossroads is reached in the relationship, where something has to change, they bail rather than make an effort.

 

So what's the fair standard? I imagine it's more where Simon Phoenix says it is.

 

I excused my ex's behavior too. I felt sorry for him because of his past. In actuality, I had poor boundaries.

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I excused my ex's behavior too. I felt sorry for him because of his past. In actuality, I had poor boundaries.

 

I couldn't have said it better.

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FredJones80
I couldn't have said it better.

 

So basically we all fell in love with ****ty people who ended it with us when we should of ended it with them :D?

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