Dumped her and miss her badly.

[Stasiman]

Hello everyone

 

Bit of a long story so I'll try and keep it as brief as possible.

 

Anyway a couple of years ago met an amazing girl, moved in together quickly (after 6 months) and all was rosy. As to be expected we had our problems and we tried working on things but utimately it ended with me leaving her. 3 months later we gave it another go, lasted 3 months before I dumped her (again) and we split on bad terms 6 months ago.

 

Fast forward 6 months to now. We've had next to no contact for six months bar a couple of messages around christmas, which ended up with her saying she resents me for what happened. The past two months Ive been thinking a lot about things and came to a conclusion that I miss her. This was to do with a number of things, since we split up Ive never really been happy (I had the initial relief and then happiness that it was over) but a couple of months ago I started thinking about her and seriously considering getting in touch with her. Id not started dating again until last month but went on a few dates and found myself comparing them to her. After a few dates here and there I started to realise that compared to whats out there she was actually a great girl and that I was too focused on the negative aspects of our relationship to see the good I had.

 

Next thing I find out through mutual friends that recently she has a new boyfriend, the first one since we broke up. I saw on her twitter that she seems really happy with her new man and seems to be having fun.

 

This has basically made me feel awful. Sure I realise theres an element of jealousy at play here and that Im probably feeling I want her more now because I cant have her. On the other hand I was seriously considering getting in touch with her before I knew she had a new relationship.

 

In all honesty Ive had a lot of time to reflect over that past few months and I now feel that to some extent I took her for granted when we where together and was too hard on what I expected from her. Its a classic case of not realising what you had until its gone.

 

So now Im stuck. Im obviously not going to attempt to contact her now as being the ex who gets between a new relationship really isnt my style. However its pretty clear to me that Ive never got over her and not really moved on the past 6 months.

 

She was the closest girlfriend I ever had and I have this overwhelming feeling that we have unfinished business. I dont know what to do. I cant sit around waiting for her to come back to me one day but I have a huge feeling of regret and loss.

 

In short, I messed up and potentially missed out on a great relationship because of my own short sightedness. Last time we spoke (4 months ago) it was obvious she still had strong feelings for me (we where really close) and was still upset over everything. This makes me think that surely she must still have some feelings for me, 4 months isnt really a long time.

 

I realise its all my own fault for leaving (twice) rather than trying to fix things, I was naieve and at the time felt it was the right thing to do. Looking back I realise now I wasnt in the right frame of mind to try again when we got back together, I was still angry and bitter after our intial breakup. I had blamed the breakdown of our relationship on her and couldnt see that there was other things making me feel unhappy (e.g. in other areas of my life like my job etc). In short, our 'second go' wasnt really a second go at all as my heart and head wasnt in it and I wasnt ready to try again so soon.

 

I have a feeling I should of done things differently. Of course we had some serious problems but it was nothing that couldnt have been fixed, there was no other person or cheating and we generally where a compatible couple (despite me feeling we where not at that time). Opinions?

Edited April 15, 2014 by Stasiman

[learning_slowly]

Leave her alone. You broke it off and now she's happy.

 

If you really love her, find somebody new. There are loads of people in this world: there is somebody else out there to compare with her, without you disrupting her happiness.

 

Sometimes, You have to live with the consequences of your actions. I'm the dumper too and in a similar situation, so grow a pair and get out there and live your life.

 

If not, you'll likely become someone who she wouldn't want to be with anyway.

 

It will be tough at times, but this is where you'll grow. I just wish I got this info when I was younger. Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

Leave her alone! Duuude don't be a d*ck! Let her be happy. So you see her happy with someone else and all of a sudden you feel you taken her for granted?

 

let this be a tough lesson learned because you don't know what you've lost until it's gone.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Don't contact her. It's your ego and loneliness talking. Just because she carries a lot of negative feelings over what happened doesn't mean that she still wants you.

[Zahara]

You should move on. She has and is in a relationship with someone else.

 

How secure are you in your convictions that you can say for a fact that all the mess that caused the demise of this relationship isn't going to resurface all over again? I mean, you dumped her twice. Anyone would be a fool to even contemplate risking a third go around. It's not worth the risk, especially for her since she probably had a difficult time moving forward.

 

Your feelings probably stem from realizing that you have no control over her anymore and the finality of it. From realizing that she's not there for you to revisit when you have a need to hit the reset button.

 

Move on. There was a reason why you couldn't manage the relationship, not once but twice.

[Stasiman]

Leave her alone! Duuude don't be a d*ck! Let her be happy. So you see her happy with someone else and all of a sudden you feel you taken her for granted?

 

let this be a tough lesson learned because you don't know what you've lost until it's gone.

 

No it wasnt all of a sudden, Id be thinking about her for months (in all honesty I never really stopped thinking about her). Well before I found out she was in a new relationship. True once I found out she was with someone it gave me a sense of urgency about it all, but this isnt a case of me deciding I want her back once she has a new man.

 

I understand your point though.

[Stasiman]

How secure are you in your convictions that you can say for a fact that all the mess that caused the demise of this relationship isn't going to resurface all over again? I mean, you dumped her twice. Anyone would be a fool to even contemplate risking a third go around. It's not worth the risk, especially for her since she probably had a difficult time moving forward.

 

Although I agree with what your saying I feel that our 'second chance' wasnt really that at all. It was 4 weeks after we had our initial (nasty) breakup and I was still consumed by bitterness and blame towards her. She suggested we try again and at first I said no but in the end I gave in. I was unsure but figured Id give it a go.

 

When we gave it a second go she admitted where she messed up and understood how I felt crappy about it all. Then she didnt put a foot wrong and made every effort to make it work but I struggled to bury the past and still had a negative mindset about it all. Its fair to say that my attitude basically led to the second breakup. It ended with a huge argument (over noting really) and we've never seen each other since. She didnt want it to end but I was messed up and too unsure about it all to carry on. I conveyed a feeling that I was over her and had was starting to move on. The past few months Ive come to realise it was just me kidding myself.

 

Generally I figure if we did try again Id be 100% ready to bury the past and just get on enjoying each others company. We did get on as a couple and where very close, sure we had our problems but it by no means things we couldnt of fixed. We where both guilty of taking each other for granted and blowing things out of propertion. The difference is she had realised this by the time we tried again whilst I firmly hadnt and was still placing almost total blame on her. I now know this wasnt what was happening and I was wrong.

 

Given that we left it hung in the air so to speak It still feels as if we have unfinished business and I have this feeling that I cant explain that we're not done yet.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Stasiman

[Zahara]

It still feels as if we have unfinished business and I have this feeling that I cant explain that we're not done yet.

 

YOU are not done but accept that she is done. Don't speak for her. WE does not exist. This isn't about her at all. It is about you. The thing is when you dumped her twice, it was also about you and the issues that YOU couldn't manage in the relationship. You were given two chances and it didn't work.

 

First break-up, 3 months later you revisited and 3 months into it you ended it again. What's different now that only 6 months have gone by? That's no different in terms of time apart from you first break-up to when you revisited her for a second chance. How much can 3 additional months change?

 

It's very easy to sit back and in hindsight believe that things can be better, things can work out, things should have been done this way. It's because you've had distance, you've had some space to forget the wrongs, you've had time to settle from the intensity, etc. Once the dust settles, it's normal to want to hit the reset button because you've stepped away from the mess and you've renergized and recuperated but what caused all the drama then, both times, will most likely still be there and will resurface.

 

Like I said, you're grasping because you are losing control over her. You ended it twice. You were in a position of power. You don't have that anymore. You want it back.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Zahara

[Stasiman]

YOU are not done but accept that she is done. Don't speak for her. WE does not exist. This isn't about her at all. It is about you. The thing is when you dumped her twice, it was also about you and the issues that YOU couldn't manage in the relationship. You were given two chances and it didn't work.

 

First break-up, 3 months later you revisited and 3 months into it you ended it again. What's different now that only 6 months have gone by? That's no different in terms of time apart from you first break-up to when you revisited her for a second chance. How much can 3 additional months change?

 

It's very easy to sit back and in hindsight believe that things can be better, things can work out, things should have been done this way. It's because you've had distance, you've had some space to forget the wrongs, you've had time to settle from the intensity, etc. Once the dust settles, it's normal to want to hit the reset button because you've stepped away from the mess and you've renergized and recuperated but what caused all the drama then, both times, will most likely still be there and will resurface.

 

Like I said, you're grasping because you are losing control over her. You ended it twice. You were in a position of power. You don't have that anymore. You want it back.

 

I agree with all of this and know it is true. It is indeed about me, I was the one who ended it (both times) and was the one who couldnt deal with it.

 

Sorry if Ive been confusing but it has been 6 months since we split up (after the second time). During the first three months of this period I felt initial happiness that it was over and felt that I was moving on. However the past three months Ive started to see things differently and have an understanding of where it (and I) went wrong.

 

I do agree that in hindsight it often appears easy to sort things out and its easy to see where things went wrong. Im not denying I probably looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses. Still ultmately Ive come to the conclusion that I made a mistake.

 

I also think your largely right about me feeling the finality of it all. She was so crazy about me and really didnt want it to end that I guess I felt that she would always be there. I know this is both foolish and arrogant but its just how I felt.

 

Either way Im not over her and have things I still want to say to her (I feel as if I couldnt go the rest of my life without ever telling her). Im obviously not going to contact her and will try and move on.

 

I know I f***ed up.

[Stasiman]

YOU are not done but accept that she is done. Don't speak for her. WE does not exist. This isn't about her at all. It is about you.

 

The thing is I would wholeheatedly agree with this and its obviously about me and she really has nothing to do with it but I still have this weird gut feeling (never felt it before with an ex) thats its not finished.

 

I think there will always be a flame here.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Stasiman

[Stasiman]

It's very easy to sit back and in hindsight believe that things can be better, things can work out, things should have been done this way. It's because you've had distance, you've had some space to forget the wrongs, you've had time to settle from the intensity, etc. Once the dust settles, it's normal to want to hit the reset button because you've stepped away from the mess and you've renergized and recuperated but what caused all the drama then, both times, will most likely still be there and will resurface.

 

Yes I totally agree. One of the reasons Im having problems moving on is because I strongly feel this.......

 

Its went wrong, we split up, she came to me saying she realised where she went wrong, we got back together, she made a serious effort to smooth out problems, I was too consumed in bitterness and let it all fall apart again.

 

Basically I didnt make an attempt to sort things the second time. Im not just saying this, now I realise I really didnt. Thats where I feel that there is still room for things to work again.

[Zahara]

The thing is I would wholeheatedly agree with this and its obviously about me and she really has nothing to do with it but I still have this weird gut feeling (never felt it before with an ex) thats its not finished.

 

I think there will always be a flame here.

 

And I strongly believe that it's coming from a place of you now having to relinquish power and control over the relationship and your ex. I'm not sure if your relationships with other women have been as toxic but when a relationship is toxic, the hooks are deeper and detaching is much more difficult.

 

If you say she looks happy and is thriving with this new guy, let her have that and leave her alone. You had your chances. You can't keep revisiting it because YOU are having a hard time letting go for whatever your reasons are. She has and allow her to do so.

[Stasiman]

And I strongly believe that it's coming from a place of you now having to relinquish power and control over the relationship and your ex. I'm not sure if your relationships with other women have been as toxic but when a relationship is toxic, the hooks are deeper and detaching is much more difficult.

 

If you say she looks happy and is thriving with this new guy, let her have that and leave her alone. You had your chances. You can't keep revisiting it because YOU are having a hard time letting go for whatever your reasons are. She has and allow her to do so.

 

I cant disagree with you here. After all if I was that sure of how I felt I would of acted earlier when I started rethinking things. I naievely assumed I would have plenty of time and was a bit stunned when I found out she has a new relationship. I do think I am having trouble dealing with the finality of it all now.

 

What can I do though?? Im obviously not going to contact her, as I said in my OP its not my style to come between people. Im struggling to move on though and I suspect a part of me will always hope she will come back.

[todreaminblue]

No it wasnt all of a sudden, Id be thinking about her for months (in all honesty I never really stopped thinking about her). Well before I found out she was in a new relationship. True once I found out she was with someone it gave me a sense of urgency about it all, but this isnt a case of me deciding I want her back once she has a new man.

 

I understand your point though.

 

if you care for her you will let her be...you dumped her have the dignity and repsect for her she needs from you........whether or not a new man is in the picture or not its not the point......you are not loving her by contemplating how you miss her and want her back, be happy for her that is loving someone even when it hurts, when you are happy they are happy thats love...i really hope she stays happy and you find someone else who makes you happy having learned what you really want...then you will be happy too.dont try for her if th relationship she is currently in, fails to bloom...let her be......deb