Possible 2nd Chance? Guidance to ease my hurting heart

[rickyd]

(edit...so much for not making it long...sorry!)

 

Hi all, new here and first time poster. I could write on and on about my specific situation, so I'll summarise the main points and try and go from there so you all don't have to read pages and pages of writing (I'm a logical guy – although with very unlogical thoughts atm)...

 

• 4 year relationship, she broke it off 2 weeks ago, we both live in same city in the US (ie. No long distance issues...at all)
  
• We are both in our mid-20s
  
• We were in love for 4 years, didn't live with each other, she was always “more into me”, than I was into her (don't like this terminology, sounds cold..but easiest way to explain it)
  
• She's very emotional and needs emotional support
  
• I am very confident, but extremely loyal
  
• She has a close male “best-friend”, been friends with him since before she knew me. I trusted her and asked her whether he would be a problem in our relationship from the start, she assured me he wouldn't as he is JUST a friend
  

 

I struggled to show love and affection towards my partner, I always had doubt about how I felt about her (although I never said that to her, but she must have felt this towards the end of the relationship). I knew I loved her, but to what degree? I didn't know, it was my first real relationship with anybody. She knew from day 1 she loved me and she showed it and didn't hold back. Because of my doubt of my own feelings, I held back showing her how much I did love her because I was concerned I would break her heart. Now everything has back-flipped 4 years into our relationship.

 

She hooked up with that “best-friend” 4 weeks ago. I had always said to her, if she did anything like that I would walk away from the relationship immediately. Of course though, put me in that situation – I do the complete opposite, I couldn't just walk away. As soon as I found out, this flood of emotion, completely unfiltered about how I actually feel about her hit me like something I have never felt before. I love this woman. Not only do I love her, I now know without a doubt I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It took her hours and hours before she had the courage to tell me that she was with her best friend because she knew and thought I would walk away. She cried and cried when I said I was going no-where, and I wanted to work on us and fix us.

 

Now she is confused. She has strong (love?) feelings for this guy, and she says she still loves me but doesn't know if she is “in love” with me. I doubt that very much – I can tell by the look in her eyes, the way she is when she is with me that there is still something there. Extremely long story short, I told her all the things I never said about how I felt about her in the last 4 years – how much I loved her etc. I didn't beg, I just wanted her to know the truth.

 

She said she felt that she never knew if I actually loved her in our relationship (but of course I did love her...I just struggled to understand how much within myself..so I held back...stupidly). I hold so much regret within myself that I didn't tell her things that were in my mind and heart during the relationship..and now I feel it's too late.

 

This hurt dragged on for a few weeks, she doesn't know what she wants – she has admitted that in tears. She knows I am what she should have long term (stability, loyalty, good career, loving family, no issues at all anywhere), but her emotions of this other best friend guy have her confused. I told her, she put herself in this situation and now she needs to chose whether to have me in her life or this other guy – she could no longer have both. She knew this is the reality, but can't accept it. She couldn't bring herself to let me go..although eventually did because of the guilt she felt and the wrong she did by me – she said she had no other choice. It was not as straight forward as this...it took her days to actually say it to me in tears, and she said it...she did it reluctantly – I know she didn't want to say it but felt like she had to.

 

I said I forgive her, I understand she has feelings for another person, but I willing to give it another shot – I don't want to be wondering “what if” for the rest of our lives. So, this is how its left, I said she needs time to work out what she wants (and I know she will go to this other guy in that time..she probably already has). She effectively said goodbye to me (an emotional 6 hour saga with both of us in tears telling each other much we love each other) and I said I couldn't contact her, unless he contacts me to let me know I am the one for her. I said I'm not waiting for her (although of course I am atm...I wouldn't contemplate being with anybody else) and she knows, she said I can't wait. So that's when NC started, a week from today effectively. Today I get snapchat about nothing of importance. Of course stupid me, I snapchat back. She hasn't let go of me, she knows this guy could never work out long term but she cant deny her feelings for him and can't give herself completely to me until she understands what this other guy means to her.

 

Everyone is telling me to move on, but I can't. She was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, that I still want to spend the rest of my life with. I can't just walk away from that. Cheating is not in her nature at all and has come as a shock to everybody that has found out (not many people). I want her so much, I love her like I have never loved, and there is not a doubt in my mind that she is the one. I feel it's not over yet, because she is still holding on – but she says she knows she cant string me along until she figures out her feelings.

 

I know there is nothing I can do, but any support and guidance would help – as long as you don't ask me to move on, and/or say a “cheater is always a cheater” - I've heard it from my mates – I don't need to hear it again. All I know is that I want this woman, and I know I will make her happy and I will love her for the rest of my life (regardless of what happens). I know this guy is not good for her..and she knows this too but cant ignore these feelings. I hurt so much, like I can't explain it – she means the world to me, and without her, nothing feels right. I just want a second chance to show her how I much I love her, say the things I never said to her – then if it didn't work, we could walk away at leat knowing “we tried” instead of wondering “what could have been”.

[David87]

Wow, just wow..... guy where's your backbone? You said that you don't want to hear move on and forget about her and stuff like that ( that's exactly what you need to do)

 

First off all always fight for your relationship when you are in it not after she checks out.

 

Second of all never make someone a priority when you're just an option to them.

 

I'll end it here because you said that you know best and don't want to hear what you need to do .Good luck guy.

[mangetout]

She isn't making the effort to make your relationship work. She is hanging onto you only because she is still attached to you. But she isn't committing to you at all. Just wants you there in the background.

 

Let her go. I wished I had dumped my ex fiancé when he cheated on me. Nothing but heartache afterwards

[rickyd]

She isn't making the effort to make your relationship work. She is hanging onto you only because she is still attached to you. But she isn't committing to you at all. Just wants you there in the background.

 

Let her go. I wished I had dumped my ex fiancé when he cheated on me. Nothing but heartache afterwards

 

Thanks mangetout, I am trying to let her go, but it just seems impossible at the moment. Everybody says I deserve better and I have so much going for me I shouldn't need to worry and I need to move on to somebody who deserves me - but that's the thing, I don't want anybody else but her.

 

She still loves me, I now that. She is just very confused, and I don't know whether to hold on and try harder, or ignore her - I'm just concerned if I ignore everything that we had she thinks I have moved on (which I have clearly have not) and then would feel like it's too late and would never come back..

[StrongLass]

Rickyd, I was in a situation EXACTLY like yours two years ago & all I have to say is this:

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes the one who's "bad" for them is who they stay with. That "sometimes" is why you need to GTFO away from this chick ASAP.

 

I don't want anybody else but her.

 

EVERYBODY thinks that when they're in love. Seriously. Think about your past relationships.

 

She still loves me, I now that. She is just very confused,

 

1. Love is a verb. She's choosing him, NOT YOU.

2.IF SHE LOVED YOU THAT MUCH SHE WOULDN'T BE CONFUSED.

 

I don't know whether to hold on and try harder, or ignore her - I'm just concerned if I ignore everything that we had she thinks I have moved on (which I have clearly have not) and then would feel like it's too late and would never come back..

 

You're not ignoring her now (not really) & what has is gotten you thus far?

 

When my ex did this to me I didn't hear from him for 4 months, then suddenly he was BEGGING & PLEADING for me back.

 

After 2 months of that?

 

HE. WENT. BACK.

 

And he hasn't been back since. That's likely YOUR future if you don't cut her off now.

[rickyd]

Rickyd, I was in a situation EXACTLY like yours two years ago & all I have to say is this:

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes the one who's "bad" for them is who they stay with. That "sometimes" is why you need to GTFO away from this chick ASAP.

 

 

 

EVERYBODY thinks that when they're in love. Seriously. Think about your past relationships.

 

 

 

1. Love is a verb. She's choosing him, NOT YOU.

2.IF SHE LOVED YOU THAT MUCH SHE WOULDN'T BE CONFUSED.

 

 

 

You're not ignoring her now (not really) & what has is gotten you thus far?

 

When my ex did this to me I didn't hear from him for 4 months, then suddenly he was BEGGING & PLEADING for me back.

 

After 2 months of that?

 

HE. WENT. BACK.

 

And he hasn't been back since. That's likely YOUR future if you don't cut her off now.

 

That's what I'm scared of, in a few months time she will come back, and I think I would take her back. When I love someone I know it, it cant fade that easily for me - these feelings within me are not going anywhere fast. When the individual you were with came back, how were you so easily able to walk away?

[mangetout]

Thanks mangetout, I am trying to let her go, but it just seems impossible at the moment. Everybody says I deserve better and I have so much going for me I shouldn't need to worry and I need to move on to somebody who deserves me - but that's the thing, I don't want anybody else but her.

 

She still loves me, I now that. She is just very confused, and I don't know whether to hold on and try harder, or ignore her - I'm just concerned if I ignore everything that we had she thinks I have moved on (which I have clearly have not) and then would feel like it's too late and would never come back..

 

Yes she loves you but she doesn't want to commit to you right now.

You will not change her mind if you stay in contact with her. Give her what she thinks she wants and that's none of you! You want 100 percent commitment and nothing else. Don't settle for anything less!

 

 

You need to go NC because her true colours will come out. She will chose this other man or you.

 

 

Maybe she will come running back but why would you want to take her back after this. How could you trust her again after this.

[mangetout]

You need to start loving yourself more. When you do this situation will be very clear for you

[Zahara]

I have to say, who rides a relationship for 4 years without having emotional availability towards their partner -- but then all of a sudden when the other is now interested in someone else, there's this new found realization that the partner is now who they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

I have to question your sincerity. Do you really want her because you truly have this epiphany or do you only want her because you're afraid of losing what you've known and have become accustomed to?

 

You had 4 years. 4 years. People date, court, fall in love, get married and have babies in that span of time. You really need to sit down and think about what your true intentions are or if you're just reacting because you are in panic mode.

 

She's not that confused is she's not picking you. She's making a clear decision to pick him. You need to NC and move on from this.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Zahara

[rickyd]

Yes she loves you but she doesn't want to commit to you right now.

You will not change her mind if you stay in contact with her. Give her what she thinks she wants and that's none of you! You want 100 percent commitment and nothing else. Don't settle for anything less!

 

 

You need to go NC because her true colours will come out. She will chose this other man or you.

 

 

Maybe she will come running back but why would you want to take her back after this. How could you trust her again after this.

 

That's what a few friends have asked me. Truth is, I blame myself and I believe this would have never happened if I realised exactly how I felt about her when I was with her. I knew I loved her, but to what degree? This whole situation has made me realise - which is terrible, something like this shouldn't happen to make me realise how I feel about someone - but I can't change that now. If she came back, I know I would be able to show her.. and I believe that would be enough to keep us together forever. She admitted she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, but something has changed over the 6 months and she realised she never knew if I actually loved her. But I did..I just never showed it. Now I can show, I want to show it - but I don't have a chance to do so

[rickyd]

I have to say, who rides a relationship for 4 years without having emotional availability towards their partner -- but then all of a sudden when the other is now interested in someone else, there's this new found realization that the partner is now who they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

I have to question your sincerity. Do you really want her because you truly have this epiphany or do you only want her because you're afraid of losing what you've known and have become accustomed to?

 

You had 4 years. 4 years. People date, court, fall in love, get married and have babies in that span of time. You really need to sit down and think about what your true intentions are or if you're just reacting because you are in panic mode.

 

She's not that confused is she's not picking you. She's making a clear decision to pick him. You need to NC and move on from this.

 

Very good point and that's exactly what I have been doing over the last few weeks - thinking (probably too much) about my true intentions and how I feel about her. I know my own true intentions.. and I know I am not reaching out in panic mode. Before this happened, I would have still asked her to marry me when the time was right.. I knew I wanted her, but the affection I was showing her was not enough (because I was holding back..I was scared I would hurt her). Sounds like a contradiction - that's not the way I want it to come through though.

 

The pain I feel not being around her, its killing who I am and I never thought that would be the case. I underestimated how much she means to me when I was with her. And now that I realise exactly how I feel, I don't have her, or have an opportunity to show her

[StrongLass]

When the individual you were with came back, how were you so easily able to walk away?

 

I wasn't. I took him back & dragged out what should have been a firm "NO." from me into a 3-4 month ordeal during which I was manipulated & lied to till I had no idea if up was different from down.

 

And then I decided I'd had enough & was strong enough to mean it.

 

Please spare yourself all that grief & start practicing saying NO now or it'll end in either tears, anger or both.

[rickyd]

Update..and need urgent help!

 

We contact each other in one way or another everyday since the breakup a few months ago (we had been together for YEARS since that time).

 

We have been chatting, and she agreed to go out for dinner with me which is in 8 or so hours. Just us two. She mentioned she is nervous and doesn't know what this will mean for us. I'm glad I didn't go NC!!

 

I still want her..and plan on just being my happy old self. If something is still there, then something will eventuate. I don't plan to bring up anything that has happened cause it will just upset us both. Thoughts on how I should act, how the night should go? (I am taking her out, not the other way around) Things I should and shouldn't do?

[flight E]

No toughts just goodluck man you are going to need it