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I don't what will work here...I don't think no contact will...


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I have been trying for over 2 years to get my ex gf back...and I have been unsuccessful. She has told me multiple times we will never be together...and then send me some mixed signals a few days later. And just when I begin to open my heart again...BAM!! she nails me again. She got engaged to her ex-bf, that was her ex before me, then she got back with him after me (because he never went away,) she broke up with him again, then they got engaged. All the while, she goes from telling me how much she loves me...to telling me to get on with my life. And, her fiance is not fulfilling her needs...he is a safety net, I think...because she doesn't want to end up alone. Problem is...she is an attractive woman...and even though she wears her engagement ring...many men are dogs, and that seems to draw them in more. She has gone out on dates with 3 or 4 guys since she has been engaged...still looking for "the one" but never finding him. She did fall hard for one guy, who totalled became uninterested...and it hurt her bad. See, she feels the need to tell me every time she find a new guy (or they find her.) Why? I don't know...because it usually causes problems between us. Case in point...

 

A 54 year old guy she works with asked her out for tomorrow night. (She is 35, we are a year apart in age, I am 36.) She accepted...and had to tell me while we were having a bite together the other night. See...we have tried to make the friend thing work...and it just hasn't. This guy apparently loves the opera, and theater, and ballet and foreign films...and supposedly has 18 of the 20 things she wants in a guy. Now mind you...she said "it is just dinner tomorrow night..not a real date." RIGHT.... he told her last week that he has had his eye on her since she started working there, less than a year ago. When he found out from her daughter (who happened to be at work with her mother one day) that she loves seafood...he pounced on that...and took her to lunch last week. She may be trying to sell me on the idea that it is just two friends having dinner...but I don't buy it. She then asks me what business it is of mine...and I remind her she made it my business when she told me. So...just today, we had a fight about this issue. She told me she had no plans to talk to me tomorrow...I was not "going to mess up her happiness, or spoil this for her." I told her fine...she then decided to extend it to the whole weekend...so she told me I will talk to you Monday... I said no problem. However, an half hour later, while I am desperately looking for a friend to talk to...so I don't do something stupid because I see the jerk has come out in me again....she calls. She acts all warm, and caring..and tells me she loves me...and I can call her back when I get off the phone. What do I get when I call back? A cold shoulder. And that was this afternoon around 4...haven't heard from her since...and I know I won't tomorrow...My dad seems to think she won't be able to go the whole weekend without calling, part of me hopes he is right, part of me hopes he is wrong. Why? Because I don't want to hear about it...if it went well. A perplexing situation...on one hand...I want her to be happy...on the other...I want it to be me that makes her happy. She tells me I am a wonderful guy, very loving, and caring...and sweet... If I am so wonderful...why does she not want to be with me? Nice guys do finish last.

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Oh I forgot...she told me earlier in the week...that if she ever got married, and I wasn't there...it would break her heart... Figure that one out?

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Seems, YOU are her safety net, not him.

 

Why do you think she is so whimsical, telling you she loves you one minute and brushing you off the next? To test you, to see if she still has power over you, which she still obviously has. Her forever lover and admirer. As long as you are there, she will do as she pleases.

 

You are right, maybe the no contact rule isnt what will work best. What this girl needs is a dose of reality. People want what the cant have right? People dont know what they have until they lose it right? So yeah, get lost! Get yourself another girlfriend, even if its a fake one (of course, with the new girls permission). Make your ex feel what you have been feeling all along. I dont know, its an idea. Good luck!

 

Oh, and yeah... the her, sorry! but the very night of your wedding, umh, I am going away with my new girl on a trip... ups!

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I am still not sure why she said that to me...about her wedding... I was hoping the women on here could shed some light....

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lost_in_chgo

jerry, next time she starts talking about her new love interest, tell her you don't have to put up with her abuse, that you aren't her girlfriend and get up and walk away. And don't go back. When she wants to get back together with you she can give you a call.

 

She's got everything with no downside. She gets to sleep around and keep you around too.

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I don't believe these "dates" last long enough, or there are enough of them...to get to the intimate level. And there has been only maybe 3 or 4 guys she has "gone out" with.... in the 2 years...so it isn't a long list.

 

 

The wedding comment still confuses me, though.

 

All I know is I woke up very depressed this morning...knowing tonight is the big night...and she is sticking by her decision not to talk to me... but, I am abiding by her request, and have left her alone...and will continue to do so, until she calls me again...be it tomorrow, Monday, a year from now, or never.

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I am stunned that you allow this to go on.

 

This is all about you. I feel that you need to work on your self esteem and learn to love and respect yourself.

 

Live a sincere happy life. Work on you and forget about all of this drama. If you have a HP give it to that and LET GO.

 

It is amazing to me that when good people truly love someone and these people jerk them around how these good people are so willing to be a door matt for them.

 

Aren't you worth more?

 

You may want to find out if you are codependent and seek some help there because there is a reason WHY you allowing this to go on and still love someone like that!

 

God Bless

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I believe that I can be codependent...my therapist..who I can't afford to see right now...and I have discussed this. I believe I have held on...because I have believed that what she seeks, she has right in front of her...but doesn't see it, doesn't want to see it, or is to afraid too let go and love again...

 

My family feels like breaking the cycle is the only way she may wake up, before it is too late...

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You asked for a woman's opinion. I don't think her wedding comment had any hidden meaning. It could mean that you're just that good of a friend, or it could mean nothing. If she wanted to be with you, she would say something less cryptic than that. I agree with the others who say she's using you as her safety net. I would say to move on.

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To describe my take on this woman's behavior, I am going to use a word from my freshman year of high school (which was a while ago)...it is "scimy" - a mix of scummy and slimy. It is sad that she is engaged, and yet requires so many backup options. It is sadder for you that she seems to be so compelling. No matter what her behavior tells you, you deserve better.

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What is particularly interesting, is that she called about an hour ago...and wanted to come by and hang out for a few minutes. She told me when she got here, she had overreacted to my response, and she was sorry. She said she doesn't want to lose the friendship, and she should be more sensitive to that..while she figures out what she really wants... We parted on good terms...which makes me feel better... I still don't want her to do what she is doing tonight...but she still insists it is just dinner between friends... and I realize I don't have the right to tell her what she can and can't do...

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I'm going to be extremely blunt, for your own good. You're 36 and acting like a high school kid. She's not any better. Tell her straight-up with no chaser to f***off!. Hang up, slam the door. Tell don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. She is a seerious loser. Face it, she's 35, has had you on a string, engaged and still has this compulsive immature need to be constantly validated by men.

 

Never talk to her again. Trust me, you will have one sorry ass relationship with her. Who knows from reading you're previous posts, and I'm sorry I'm being rude and possibly over the line, but someone needs to tell it to you straight. You have no respect for yourself and how the hell can someone have respect for you if you don't have it for yourself. If you want to be worse than lonely, more like delusional your whole life than keep up with this ridiculously unhealthy relationship.

 

good luck

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She just told me on the phone that she has broken off the engagement. I had noticed that I hadn't seen the ring, or heard of him being around for about a week or so...

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why don't you tell her to come over, stop playing games, stop treating me like **** and prove that you want to be with me if you catch my drift. action speak louder than words. when was the last time you slept with her?

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A valid point... She has been out with this dude for nearly 3 hours....so she must be having a good time...

 

Guess I will have to wait until I am 54....to get the attention of women...

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I have sort of a similar experience and I think i can relate to how u feel..

ive broken up with my ex for slightly more than a yr and during tis time he had been in a steady relationship w another gal..

but all these while he had been keeping in touch w me behind's his gf's back...

I only tried to ask him back abt 6 mths after we broke when i found out he was seeing someone. he gave it some thought but rejected me in the end...

but all these while until a few weeks ago he still says he has feelings for me...

he has been sending me all these mixed signals all the time...

and even when i told him not to contact me anymore 2 weeks ago, until now he has still been contacting me..but ive been ignoring of course

he says im his soulmate and his life wun be complete without me and he does not want to lose me forever..

but even tho im dat impt to him as he claimed to be, he does not want to be with me...figure that out..

i still love him and i still truly believe we will have a great future together and it sucks that i will never have that..but not having him in my life is better than having him come and go as he likes...

yup..i think she is ur safety net just like i am for my ex...

it used to be impossible for me to not contact him for one day...but now i can actually tell him not to contact me anymore....so u can do it too...

when i first broke up i wanted to remain friends, but now i noe it will never work for me..not any time soon anyway..

because i can never be satisfied with just a platonic friendship w him. how can i? coz whenever we speak we have so much fun and the chemistry is just there, something that u know u dun share with just anyone...

so it's worse to have something that u want v badly placed in front of u but forever be out of ur grasp...

i feel my feelings for him is like a dormant volcano, as long as i dun have contact w him it wun erupt...

and hopefully with time it will be become a dead volcano...

 

tell her if she wans u she must embrace all of u and not come and go when she likes...

and yea...maybe when she realize she is losing u for gd...she will wake up..

which was what happened to me when i realized my ex was seeing someone new..

and if she doesn't then isnt it better that u have already made progresss in moving on...

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It really has made me depressed. She called me, came by today...and then after she left, told me she loved me, and also let it slip she had broken up with her fiance. She told me tonight was just dinner... but she met him at 7:30...and then I haven't heard from her, until just now... as I was writing this...at 12:51 a.m. She wants to meet me for a bite at IHOP... I don't like it...this makes me feel she is ready to give me another "whammy."

 

:-(

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hmmm...then why dun u jus not meet her...

you dun have to meet her each and every time she asks for it right?

if u dun feel like it just turn her down :)

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She actually didn't give me a whammy. I was a little knocked back when I walked in the IHOP, and saw how she looked... really good. But, we actually had a good time...and although I was dying to ask her how things went, I spared myself that torture.

 

She was kind of flirtatous with me while we ate, and then we left, separately. Today, she just called me to chat...and a few minutes ago said she "was going to go on a drive with her daughter." Which I thought was really vague... Was she taking her daughter to meet the new guy? No...they already met when she was at her mom's office. Were they going to all hang out together? ARGHH a person could go nuts trying to figure this stuff out....

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dude you have to stop doing this to yourself. you leave separately, isn't that a clue? how can you hope that she will get back with you? she's probably lost all respect for you. sure she can talk to you--as a friend. as a doormat. women will not sleep with a man they don't respect. at this point you may as well be one of her girlfriends. get your sack back and stop talking to her. you've tried for 2 years to get her back? are you insane? have you sought help? is your self-esteem that low? dude in your condition no woman will find you attractive, or the ones that will will be sub-standard. every time i have met someone worthwhile i have been confident and self-assured. if you don't have that forget, you'll end up dating loser chicks who are in the same loser boat. sorry to be so harsh, but enough is enough. don't your friends just roll their eyes when you tell them that you went to hang out with her once again just as friends. sleep with her or forget her. she has you whipped so hard, it's sad

 

good luck

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She called me about an hour ago while I was out for a drive. She asked why I didn't call, and ask her to grab a bite, or for some ice cream. I said "you were with your daughter." She said, "you don't get being a guy and asking a woman out." So, I tried to see if she wanted to do something...she said that she was going to take her daughter to a movie, and then probably head to bed... so she asks me why I didn't ask her to do something, then when I do, she shoots me down...

 

I just can't figure women out...

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Nearly 24 hours now, since last contact.... so she went from asking me why I didn't ask her out for ice cream or something, to complete silence. Me thinks dinner went well Saturday night...

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