Dumper NC, has anyone ever had the dumper come back

[luvlost88]

Just have 3 quick questions to any dumpee's out there who still want a chance to get their ex back.. if you were the dumpee and after the breakup your ex (the dumper) started NC on you, have any of you ever had your dumper pop out of nowhere and start talking to you again? And if so how long did they go NC on you before they re-initiated contact? Also, did they give you an excuse or reason for going NC on you in the first place?

[liloldlady]

, have any of you ever had your dumper pop out of nowhere and start talking to you again?

 

Yep.

 

And if so how long did they go NC on you before they re-initiated contact?

 

I don't know exactly. Felt like a year.

 

Also, did they give you an excuse or reason for going NC on you in the first place?

 

Yes, he explained where he was emotionally, & I understand.

[xUnknown]

Yeah, but i initiated NC. Look for my most recent thread.

[melell]

I would say mutual nc- I stopped talking to them and after a few months they stopped trying.

 

Yes they made an attempt to make contact recently- about 7 months since breakup, and about 4 months since I last heard from them.

 

I have moved on to the point that it doesn't phase me. Not even the smallest bit of emotion on hearing from that. Just very 'meh'. Amazing what a decent amount of nc can do. We were together 8 years, since I was 17,made no difference-

 

I really think for both the dumper and dumpee nc detaches everything and makes it easier to move on.

 

I know people say that nc is the best chance of getting back with someone- but I really think that is more the case if you were super clingy, or begged them not to go etc.

 

I was pretty nonchalant from the get go, I know my ex would try much harder to get back with me when I would reply to their texts. I ran into them about 3 months after the bu, and seeing them made them try to reconcile too.

 

For me it has always been a case of out of site out of mind (after a while)

[StGeorge22]

Over the last year me and my ex were on and off about 4 times. We would hang out, she couldn't commit and I would go no contact. It was usually a month each time before she came back again. Unfortunately it was the same result each time but, still too much hurt to get back together. In my opinion NC can work, but unless both are willing to start a fresh relationship, it won't last for long

[TaraMaiden]

Just have 3 quick questions to any dumpee's out there who still want a chance to get their ex back.

The only one who logically can do this, is the dumper. Dumpees were dumped for a reason. Mainly, because the dumper doesn't want to be in a relationship with them any more. It's over. The Dumper would have to make gargantuan efforts to re-establish a relationship, in order to be seen as trustworthy and not dump again in the future...

The dumpee usually can't do anything to convince the dumper to come back.

 

if you were the dumpee and after the breakup your ex (the dumper) started NC on you, have any of you ever had your dumper pop out of nowhere and start talking to you again?

 

99 times out of ten, it's just breadcrumbs. These begin with 'Hey, how are you?' or something similarly banal.

 

And if so how long did they go NC on you before they re-initiated contact?

Usually between one month and six, depending on how quickly THEY are over you.

 

Also, did they give you an excuse or reason for going NC on you in the first place?

No excuse is required.

in fact, NC is absolutely vital, essential and required practice.

NC should never, EVER be broken, by either one or the other.

 

NC isn't designed to get someone back, pique their interest or trick them into making the first move.

NC is a healing-process which should not be broken, interrupted or mis-used.

It just puts you back to square one.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature/link.

It's all explained there.....

[StGeorge22]

Sorry to hijack the thread but Tara would you agree there is absolutely no chance of any reconnected unless both people are willing to start fresh ( which is usually impossible). My ex still blames me for not supporting her or taking us seriously (that is her view anyway, I disagree but know better than to try and argue with someone like that). I know that there would never be a chance until she is over that, but the more likely scenario (and what I'm hoping for) is that what is more likely is that I will move on and meet someone else. No point in bringing up old arguments with someone who has it in their head that you are in the wrong

[melell]

I just want to add that it will blow your mind when someone new comes along and you think back on how much time you spent thinking about an ex.

 

I feel like reconciliations only happen if the dumper decides they want to try again, and (on the off chance) if the dumpee hasn't met someone new/isn't happy with the new person/still hung up on the ex.

 

My ex came back and it was as simple as I was no longer hung up on them. Seriously, if he had come back a month sooner we would have reconciled.

 

It is pointless thinking about it, it will either happen or it wont. Get on with things regardless.

[TaraMaiden]

There could be umpteen different causes for a break-up but the fundamental fact is that both parties are 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship.

In order for reconciliation to be effective, BOTH people have to want it to work, equally, and both people have to be willing to change whatever needs changing - and whatever that is, would be better discussed in front of a mediator.

 

Unless there is a clear and ever-present, obvious reason for a break (physical/emotional abuse, psychological issues, sheer neglect) then it stands to reason both people lost sight of their own standards and principles; maybe one person let things slip & slide more than the other, but it takes equal effort to keep the relationship buoyant.

 

reconciliation can never be a one-sided thing:

Whatever the reason - even the extreme ones I listed - change has to occur on BOTH sides, with as much commitment and dedication on each side.

 

 

One person cannot try to fix two.... Can't be done.

[StGeorge22]

I think that's spot on melell. Have started hanging out with someone new and I certainly find myself thinking of my ex less and less

 

And Tara I think what you said is completely correct. With my ex, she kept coming back but it was never a clean slate. I tried to make it work but as you say it can't come from one person. She has now moved interstate for a fresh start. Legitimately hope things work out for her but can't help feel a bit bitter that she blames me for things that I don't think are reasonable (she had some psychological problems- I was there financially but she didn't think I supported her).

 

Anyway sorry for the rank and hijacking the thread!

[mammasita]

Yep.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/428204-wow-i-did-really-hard-thing-today-ex-wanted-work-things-i-told-him-no

[erklat]

Me too is pretty certain I would say no. I don't have grey areas, I am a simple man. We're knocking skins or I don't say hello on the street. I don't need anything in between from her.

[erklat]

Usually between one month and six, depending on how quickly THEY are over you.

 

 

So you are saying that the ex-hole needs to be completely over you in order for any communication to start - breadcrumbs or otherwise?

[TaraMaiden]

They need to be free of the habit of the relationship.

But they usually get in touch for one reason, and one only:

 

Because it feeds their ego.

They like the attention, and they like to think they still have a significant place in your life.

Hence the frequent resorting to breadcrumbs to elicit a response.

 

Contact from a dumper is far more likely to be for the benefit of their own well-being, rather than through any real or genuine concern for the dumpee.

[guest572]

Yes I have. I think it was to make amends and relieve guilt as well as get attention. I believe he had broken up with the "better offer" and wanted me back, asked me out but I declined. I had moved on . He found a new gf not long after.so he wasn't that serious about getting back with me

[hotpotato]

Yes, they come back.

 

The key is not wanting them anymore.

 

Then they are all over you.

 

First ex came back with marriage proposal after dumping me for another girl.

 

The things is, I dont want somebody because they were rejected by someone else.

[sleeplessinslc]

Just have 3 quick questions to any dumpee's out there who still want a chance to get their ex back.. if you were the dumpee and after the breakup your ex (the dumper) started NC on you, have any of you ever had your dumper pop out of nowhere and start talking to you again? And if so how long did they go NC on you before they re-initiated contact? Also, did they give you an excuse or reason for going NC on you in the first place?

 

1- Yes

 

2- about a month. " Accidentally" sent me a picture of something he was cooking. Then came back the next month or two- asked which restaurant we first met- because he knew someone who was coming over to my city and wanted to recommend her a place. (Riiiiiight)

 

3- No excuse.

[BC1980]

Yes, they come back.

 

The key is not wanting them anymore.

 

Then they are all over you.

 

First ex came back with marriage proposal after dumping me for another girl.

 

The things is, I dont want somebody because they were rejected by someone else.

 

Exactly. Many dumpers come back because they didn't find anything better, not because you were their first option. It's arrogant. Trust me, if they found something else, they wouldn't come back.

[Musing]

To preface this, the only relationship where NC was even brushed upon via conversation was my last. And it was in the vein of talking "in time". The rest...literally both of us stopped talking after the break up happened. I'm way too prideful to beg. So, here we go-

 

BU #1- I was dumper. I wanted NC, but was only 17 at the time and didn't want to be harsh with him. First LTR so I let him stick around and message me. After awhile I got so annoyed I just started to ignore until we were okay again months later. He, again, initiated every time. I only initiated contact once last January (6 yrs after the fact) to congratulate him on getting married and how great of a boyfriend he was. Got no response, but didn't expect one. I wish him well.

BU #2 - Rebound 3 months after BU1. I broke up after 2 weeks for someone else. He initiated contact several weeks later.

BU #3 - I was the dumpee after 3 months. He cheated on me with someone else and dumped me the next day. It was an awful experience. He reached out a couple weeks later to say sorry. We communicated via myspace for about 2 months and for the next four years he would be apologizing to me for all of the drama and trying to get me back. I finally forgave him a couple years ago but would never date him again.

BU #4 - I broke up with him. I wasn't feeling the relationship. he initiated contact, but I was not compatible with him and after awhile his personalty grinded on me. I got fed up that his cousin was basically spying on me and reporting back to him. I never felt the need to initiate anything more with him.

BU #5 - He broke up with me. I was a rebound girl...he'd gotten out of a breakup with a 3 yr relationship and then got back with her a week after dumping me. They were together for about a year or so and they split again. He tried contacting me...I welcomed it and tried giving it another go (this time after enough time passed) but at that point I wasn't interested. tried being friends but grew apart.

BU #6 - He broke up with me. He wasn't feeling it after a few months (we were childhood friends) he reached out to me 2.5 weeks later to see how I was. We've been friends since (for 4 years) and I he's dropped hints at wanting to try again. I'm not about him like that anymore though.

BU #7 - Here's a really fun one! He broke up with me, he wasn't happy (he was a jerk and an emotional abuser) after 2 months. Then I, being dumb, reached out to him after 3 weeks. We went back out. He broke up with me again..and then he reached out after about 2 weeks. Then we broke up again. Then he reached out 2 months later. I wasn't interested anymore. He tried again 7 months after that, but I was with my most recent ex. Has been quiet since.

My most recent - broke up with me because he wasn't experienced/ready/was confused. It's been 4 weeks. I don't think I'll hear from him anytime soon. He is a lot more stable than my past ones. And my second longest RS.

 

I was...a "love" chaser in my teens. I LOVED the feeling of chasing, and the butterflies...still do! But as you can see, I've had many relationships, and these don't count dates and crushes. Who I've also gone NC on when they decided not to call anymore (they came back but I was moved on)

I was, in essence, a "serial monogamist" Never cheated, but definitely dated the wrong guys, and would always have someone in my life if the last failed. It was exhausting.

 

At this point in my life, I am more than happy to be single for awhile and away from the craziness of it all...plus, I genuinely miss my recent ex, that one will be a doozy to get over

 

The catch to my experiences? They all came back when I didn't want them anymore.

[hotpotato]

Exactly. Many dumpers come back because they didn't find anything better, not because you were their first option. It's arrogant. Trust me, if they found something else, they wouldn't come back.

 

You are so right.

 

The man in question came back to me after he got stabbed the girl he left for.

 

If that had not happened, he may not have come back, especially not so soon.

 

Dumpers think you like them so much you will tolerate anything from them. Arrogant indeed.

[SoundedPlum]

I had someone who literally kept disappearing for months at a time. They came back every single time. First I'd beg and plead, then after the 3rd or 4th time of them leaving me hanging (no warning, nothing). I moved on.

 

I deserved waaaaaaaay better than that loser.