7 years later

[spookie]

I wanted to come back and post an update on a thread from 7 years ago, because I still remember how much I hurt so long ago, how much I hoped to get a second chance.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/118228-once-again-here-i-am

 

We were barely 21 years old and our relationship was full of dysfunction, but I believed with all my heart he was the one.

 

We had been college sweet hearts and were as close as it is possible to be to another person. We both made mistakes and toward the end of our 3-year run - we were both lost.

 

After the breakup in April 2007 I went NC. I had many other problems in my life and wound up dropping out of school - and making ends meet by dancing at a strip club. It was a dark time. Eventually, I got my s!ht together, landing a real job. In May 2008, I left the state.

 

In my new home, I finished college, began a career, made new friends, and dated other men. I ran a half-marathon, fell in love with my boss , and got my heart broken a few times through breakups.

 

Still, I felt I needed closure from my ex, so in 2010 I went back to my college town and met up with him. Walking me back to my hotel room that humid night, he apologized for all the hurt he'd caused me. He said he'd loved me, and always would - but he did not think himself capable of giving me what I wanted. Not now - and perhaps never.

 

Back home, I slept for several days. It was my closure. It hurt, but I was thankful to know it had been real.

 

So I kept moving forward. I earned a professional designation, bought a condo, and almost moved in a boyfriend. I went to therapy - and found myself single again.

 

And then... my ex came back in my life. We talked for 6 months on the phone. After 10 years we still had that connection. He said he was ready now to be with me and I had been HIS one always. He wanted me to come visit.

 

I went down this weekend. His hair had greyed and he had gained some weight - but besides that, it was like we were back in 2004. It felt right to hold hands, we stayed up all night talking, and we could not stop touching.

 

I stayed with him for 4 days and we never ran out of things to say - even without alcohol, television, or any of the other mechanisms we rely on to kill silence.

 

I don't know that we will live happily ever after, but if you told me 7 years ago that it would pan out this way, it would have saved me some heartache.

[keepontruckin]

He'll leave again. Drop him, unless you want to build up for failure once again...

[spookie]

He'll leave again. Drop him, unless you want to build up for failure once again...

 

Maybe things don't change... or maybe it takes a decade.

[keepontruckin]

My wife walked out on me. Almost one year later she tried to slither her way back in.

 

Why? Strategy... She's going broke, and will soon end up homeless.

 

It had taken me a few weeks to realize her Chess moves. When I questioned her motives, she became cold as ice and withdrew herself (once again)...

 

He is a user. Let him back in if you like... Just don't expect things to turn out differently than the first time.

 

He is a user, and you are a giver. You have always been "Plan B." The backup plan... You are nothing more than this to him.

[spookie]

My wife walked out on me. Almost one year later she tried to slither her way back in.

 

Why? Strategy... She's going broke, and will soon end up homeless.

 

It had taken me a few weeks to realize her Chess moves. When I questioned her motives, she became cold as ice and withdrew herself (once again)...

 

He is a user. Let him back in if you like... Just don't expect things to turn out differently than the first time.

 

He is a user, and you are a giver. You have always been "Plan B." The backup plan... You are nothing more than this to him.

 

I'm sorry your wife walked out on you but don't believe your experience translates to everyone else's.

[keepontruckin]

Past performance is usually a pretty good indicator of future performance.

 

Now, it has nothing to do with you... You have done well for yourself in life.

 

The fact of the matter is... Dumpers do not change. They will do the same thing, over and over again.

 

Look. Seven years has passed, and he wants to use you again! He just might get that chance, since you haven't found anyone else at the moment...

[spookie]

Past performance is usually a pretty good indicator of future performance.

 

Now, it has nothing to do with you... You have done well for yourself in life.

 

The fact of the matter is... Dumpers do not change. They will do the same thing, over and over again.

 

Look. Seven years has passed, and he wants to use you again! He just might get that chance, since you haven't found anyone else at the moment...

 

Thanks for your perspective, but I don't really see it as "using" me - then or now.

 

We had a relationship, and it didn't work out. As far as the details go... at this point, it is water under the bridge to me. I have forgiven a long time ago... in fact by now, I have largely forgotten.

[LiliesNoLilies]

spookie, I'm happy for you.

 

7 years is a long time for personal growth and perspective.

 

Based on what you wrote, he could have come back a few years ago, but waited until now, until he was ready.

 

This is a new relationship, not in any way a revisit to the immature relationship in 2007. You have to focus and maintain it that way.

 

Go with your gut.

 

What sort of dysfunction did you have in the first relationship?

[mkrainy]

I am truly happy for you. I broke up with my ex husband a year ago and went through hell now back to the normal life. I was devastated but happy now. I think it's the best thing happened in my life i guess in some way. I wish maybe some day I will post similar story as you or another new happy ending with new people. In anyways congratulation on your personal growth and things you went through all these years. I wish you two could work out

[SadNLonley]

Personally, I feel that people growup. Maybe it was not time for you two to be together so many years ago. Maybe you needed the time apart to build your life separately.

 

I guess Im a hopeless romantic, but I believe that if its meant to be, and your meant to be in each others lives, it will happen. I believe the universe has a way to to bring people together when they need to.

 

No one can see the future, but good luck to you and him. I hope you find this IS the right time to start your life together.

[melodymatters]

SPOOKIE !!!!:bunny:

 

I have NO idea whether this will end well and neither does anyone else, but I was JUST thinking of both you and shadowplay the other day and wondering what happened to you !

 

Whatever happens with your ex, I'm glad you have managed to survive and thrive ! Still doing actuarial stuff ?

[Mrlonelyone]

It sounds like you both have had lots of time for personal growth and the feelings are still there. Second chances that work, as far as I know, only do so after people have been apart for months or years.

 

21 is very young to meet someone marry them and live happily ever after. The fact that you still think of eachother so many years afterwards means something.

 

No one can know how it will turn out but I hope you two finally have your happy life together.

[spookie]

spookie, I'm happy for you.

 

7 years is a long time for personal growth and perspective.

 

Based on what you wrote, he could have come back a few years ago, but waited until now, until he was ready.

 

This is a new relationship, not in any way a revisit to the immature relationship in 2007. You have to focus and maintain it that way.

 

Go with your gut.

 

What sort of dysfunction did you have in the first relationship?

 

Thanks.

 

The dysfunction came from both sides. From my side, I can honestly say the problems I contributed were due to immaturity - not that I don't think I have (different) issues now, which may come into play thpis time around.

 

My biggest flaws back then were unrealistic expectations (to have my mind read) and an addiction to drama. It was my first relationship and my favorite thing about it was the fights - or rather, the parts that came after, the making up - heartbreak, passion, relief - I had never felt such strong emotions, and there was nothing I enjoyed more than experiencing them with the guy I loved.

 

I didn't realize it would eventually push him away. From the first time I saw him, it simply never registered there was a possibility I could lose him, a real chance we may not end up together.

 

On his end, I know he craved independence. Keep in mind, at the time having this relationship was the most interesting and important thing in my life. Ironic that I went to a great fun school in an awesome town, and nothing else could ever capture my attention. Suffice it to say, I was clingy. I had extremely high expectations for his level of seriousness, while he was interested in doing his own thing from time to time. Developing an identity separate from me.

 

God, in retrospect, some of our fights were so stupid. He would want to play video games with his friends on Friday nights (keep in mind, we are eighteen) and I would have a complete meltdown lasting several hours to let him know all the ways he was failing as a boyfriend. I wish someone had taken me aside and told me to stop being such a crazy btich. But that's in the past. And don't get me wrong... he did kind of suck as a boyfriend.

[spookie]

SPOOKIE !!!!:bunny:

 

I have NO idea whether this will end well and neither does anyone else, but I was JUST thinking of both you and shadowplay the other day and wondering what happened to you !

 

Whatever happens with your ex, I'm glad you have managed to survive and thrive ! Still doing actuarial stuff ?

 

Hi, melodymatters!

 

I haven't posted on this site in years, but lurk from time to time, and I am always glad to read happy updates from you. Congrats on the new(ish) marriage!

[spookie]

It sounds like you both have had lots of time for personal growth and the feelings are still there. Second chances that work, as far as I know, only do so after people have been apart for months or years.

 

21 is very young to meet someone marry them and live happily ever after. The fact that you still think of eachother so many years afterwards means something.

 

No one can know how it will turn out but I hope you two finally have your happy life together.

 

Thanks for the good wishes!

 

We met when we were 18 actually. The relationship was over by the time we turned 21. Last weekend was the first time we went out for drinks together.

[Kopite]

I, for one, am really happy for you Sookie. Please keep us updated with what's going in your life.

 

Don't listen to those negative people.

[Els]

Nice to see you back, spookie.

 

I don't know what will come of your reconciliation with your ex, but you have certainly progressed a lot in life. Keep up the good work!

[Eternal Sunshine]

OMG spookie! Couldn't beleive it's you. Welcome back

[spookie]

Well, despite the fun trip, I must admit that things are not working out like I hoped.

 

It is about 3 weeks since my trip... And the ex has been fairly quiet. A text here and there, and a few phone calls, but no effort to establish anything official. We'd talked about him coming to visit as I was leaving, but he has not made any plans to that end, either, though he keeps saying he will.

 

I am not sure if I'm being impatient, trying to rush things, or what, but I guess I am used to guys being more expressive/ aggressive than this, and I am frustrated that I don't know where we stand.

 

Should I throw in the towel, ask him for clarification, or keep waiting? I kind of feel like he needs to make the next move, but I am getting sick of waiting for it, and not sure how much time I should give him before writing him off.

[melodymatters]

Ouch. You two have been through WAY too much to start playing games at this juncture. I would need to talk to him and find out what he is thinking and feeling. I wouldn't pressure him for anything but I would need to know where he's at with all this.

 

If there was ever a case of " If it's meant to be, it will be" this is it, so why waste even more time ? Cut to the chase is my opinion, but of course it's just that, MY opinion. I also have never "pined" for anyone though, so we may have very different thought processes.

 

Good luck with whatever happens Spook, I am rooting for you and if this crashes and burns I so hope that you will be able to put it behind you once and for ALL !

[Arabella]

Well, despite the fun trip, I must admit that things are not working out like I hoped.

 

It is about 3 weeks since my trip... And the ex has been fairly quiet. A text here and there, and a few phone calls, but no effort to establish anything official. We'd talked about him coming to visit as I was leaving, but he has not made any plans to that end, either, though he keeps saying he will.

 

I am not sure if I'm being impatient, trying to rush things, or what, but I guess I am used to guys being more expressive/ aggressive than this, and I am frustrated that I don't know where we stand.

 

Should I throw in the towel, ask him for clarification, or keep waiting? I kind of feel like he needs to make the next move, but I am getting sick of waiting for it, and not sure how much time I should give him before writing him off.

 

I read the beginning of the thread and I was totally rooting for you. It makes me sad to read this post now

 

There is a certain truth to "past performance is the best indicator of future performance"... unfortunately. That may be what you're seeing now.

 

My thinking is that if he really wanted to be with you at this point, after seven years, he would be showering you with affection and attention to make up for lost time.

 

Frankly, it sounds to me like he's having second thoughts. Don't let him do a slow fade. Ask him flat out what's going on in his head so you both don't waste any more time.

 

Best of luck!

 

-A

[hotpotato]

He'll leave again. Drop him, unless you want to build up for failure once again...

 

IMO, the odds of things working are about 50/50. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

[spookie]

Melody and Arabella,

 

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, there is too much history for me to sit back and watch a allow fade; not to me ruin, it's not my style.

 

The issue is "confrontation" seems to yield mixed results. I think I've been doing it wrong. I have asked him where he is at when we have talked on the phone (which we've continued to do, albeit at a lower frequency, with less contact between calls). To that he always replies, he thinks we can make it work, and is ready to move anywhere I tell him. (I am in the process of looking for a new job in another part of the country.)

 

When I bring up that I would like to see him before this fantasy moving in together that may or may not happen within the next year, he says of course, he'll look for a ticket.

 

Thats where we reach an impasse, because he is apparently not interested in acting on that. We last spoke on Friday and so far, no action.

 

I am really confused about how to read the situation. With anyone else, I would write him off as not being interested. However, that's not what I feel in my heart with W. Are my instincts fooling me about him, again?

 

My visit was amazing and he said so a hundred times as I was leaving, and many times since, on the phone. He broke up with his long-term girlfriend to make it a possibility. Not to mention, the hundreds of hours spent on the phone over the last month... Who puts in that effort when he's not interested?

 

On the other hand, if he wanted to be with me, I think he would come visit. When I have stated so many times, it's what I want.

 

Another thing to note in all this is I realized on this visit that W is not quite normal. I really believe he might be on the autistic spectrum, probably not very far, but his interactions with people are definitely not what u would consider normal. Or maybe he is just a weirdo. Either way, I feel like I can't necessarily apply the same rules when trying to understand his behavior.

 

Or maybe hes just a dck and enjoys fcking with my head. Who knows. At this point I don't know any other way to confront him about our relationship, so I'm backing off. Sadly, I think I am going to have to start dating other people here pretty soon, even though it's really not what I want.

[spookie]

Well, it's officially over. In exactly the same fashion as last time. What a bummer, to know things don't change.

 

My therapist recommended I seek out closure rather than continuing to give him "space" while I wonder what's going on.

 

In the pit of my stomach, I knew it would be fruitless to try to contact him. I seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to abandonment. I don't need any hard facts to know when Ill never see him again.

 

And that's how it went. I called, texted, and emailed to try to get in touch with him. He ignored me. I gave him a few days to respond. The I sent him another email, expressing my disappointment at his avoidant behavior and letting him know it's not acceptable to me. Having been down this road before, I don't expect I will get a response.

 

I'm not going to lie. It hurts and it's depressing. I love this guy and I believe despite his actions on some level he loves me too.

 

And it's frustrating to just not understand. Why does he act this way? It's not the rejection that hurts, but the disrespect. He has no excuse not to be honest with me. After all we have been through, I know I deserve an explanation. This was not some Internet date after which he's pulling a fade.

 

In the end the whys don't really matter. I'm glad I went down this road again. It sucks to feel a fool, but now I know.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For what it's worth, I am sure you will hear from him again - but even when you do this behavior is not acceptable. Unless he is lying in a coma somewhere, I hope you don't make excuses for him.