Major Trust Issues With Girlfriend

[DX77]

I hope I can explain this clearly. I have been with my gf for 9 months and everything that i am about to explain has gone on for the entire time. I only found out because I started to put pieces together and look at her phone, etc. The entire time we have been together she has been seeing her ex behind my back. Time after time I forgave her and time after time she promised she would stop seeing him, talking to him, etc. I dont believe they were having sex, but she kissed him a few times, accepted his money for clothes, let him take her out to the movies, dinner, do her hair, nails etc. However, I woudl do anything for her so its not like she had a guy who treated her bad and didn't make her number one in his life. I never cheated, lie, anything so she didn't have reason to think I was a jerk off.

 

To bring things to the present, I basically got to the point to where I said enough is enough and I can't do this anymore. She ended up writing me and stating how sorry she was, that she didn't know what she was doing this for, etc. I explained to her that in order for me to give her a second, third, fourth, chance that she needs to talk to someone so she can figure out why she constantly lies to me and shows no regard to how I feel. I treat her like a queen and got cheated on in return. I also explained to her I need to hear her call her ex and explain to him it is over and that she is going to be with me and work things out. She also met another guy during this same time who she lied about and ended up going out with. I also wanted her to call him and just say she wasn't interested. she told me she would do those things as well as go see someone.

 

She went to see a therapist one time and then cancelled the next three apts because it was either raining too hard out or she was tired from work. This has made me feel that me and our relationship are the least of her priorities. she always puts everything and everyone first instead of me. I explained to her after she figured out what was wrong with her that then we should probably go talk to a counsler so we can start to rebuild things and so I can learn to trust her and cope with all this pain and hurt she has caused.

 

Well three weeks has past since everything came out in the open and she is refusing to call these two guys to break things up. She told me last week that if they called her again that she would call and explain she isn't intereseted. She promised me that she would tell me if they called her and then she would call them to break things off instead of just ignoring their calls. Well last night one of the guys called and she didn't tell me. I found out because I heard her VM messages. Which I know is wrong but right now I dont trust anything she says based on everything that has happened which is even deeper than I am explaining. I basically said last night in order for us to start over and me begin to even try to trust you again you have to call them and letthem know to stop calling and you aren't interesetd. She said no she didn't want to embarass herself and wasn't going to do it. Even after she was the one who initially volunteered to do this, then said no, then volunteered if they called again to call them and break it off and she still didn't live up to her word.

 

for some reason I am sitting here willing to give her a chance to fix things and she just doesn't do it. She tells me she only see's a future with me, cares and loves me, etc but for some reason she refuses to stop being selfish and do what I need in order to start healing and looking at her in a positive light. I dont think I am asking for much. I explained to her my trust is gone and my heart is crushed and to please just put me first for a little bit, chill out with all the guy friends calling who I dont know or who she has lied about in the past and to just let us fix things, but she never takes the initiative to do anything. she may say sweet things (occasionally) and tell me she loves me, but Ic an't open my heart again unless I feel the past is the past and I hear some type of closure. Just the fact that this guy called again last night and she didn't tell me or live up to her word and end of the deal is making me wonder wtf.

 

Based on everything that has happened I would have thought now would be the time she actually steps up and makes me see I can start to trust her. Just her volunteering the fact the guy called would have made me think she was starting to change.

 

I guess the question is, am I crazy for sitting here trying to give her chance after chance to change and make things up to me? when is enough,e nough? does the fact she refuses to call them because she is emarassed legit? I have gone through hell and all types of pain in order to still be here and try to forgive her and I dont think I am asking for much. and this is the short version of the story.. thanks for listening.

[slimmontana]

Wow..sounds like you been through a lot..I say cut your losses...Let her go...If she really really wants to be with you..she will change..her behavbior shows you total lack of respect

[DX77]

thank you for your response, I appreciate that. I have been through hell and then some. I obviously must love her but I dont know what the heck is going on right now and why i cant just cut all ties. I guess i do remember some of the good times and all the time we spent together and wonder how two people can talk all day and spend a lot of time together and not work things out. but i guess i am not in control of that. then i wonder how can we spend so much time together but yet she found time to see her ex behind my back and be so freaking selfish. maybe i can't releate because i am not that type of person.

 

to add more on the story, the last time (roughly 2 months ago) I found out she didnt stop going out with her ex we stopped speaking for three weeks. I think I initated contact and just asked why she did all the things she did. This led to her apology and saying she would stop talking to her ex once and for all. Well then on the fourth of july she ends up going out with her ex again. I basically called him because I knew she was lying and he told me all the stuff that I didn't know (paying for her hair, nails, clothes, etc) I think they only went out twice a month or so but i know they spoke often and still that is just wrong.

 

At that point I said either call him and the other guy and let me hear you break things off and talk to someone or its over for good. She did go talk to someone one time, which kind of kept me around, then never ended up calling the two guys and breaking things off and never went back to the therapist since, which leads up to last night and the guy calling again and her refusing to call him and say she isn't intereseted because she is more worried about being embarassed (run on sentence lol) than proving herself to me.

 

I get so confused and lost because she says all the nice things, trys to come over, but her actions show nothing. yea she tried to come over a few times, but I can't open up and hang out with her and feel at ease without her taken action to let me see the past is over and she is serious about talking to a therapist. maybe I need one because I am willing to go through all this drama for nothing.

 

All I wanted was for her to make me feel important, maybe a nice card, take me out something . Call the two guys break things off, talk to someone which would then lead to us talking to the same person and working things out and stop lying to me. I just wanted to feel reasurred she was doing what she said she would do.

 

She even lied to me one day (this was 3 months ago) about where she was going and who she was going out with, ignored my calls that entire night and now is going on a cruise with these same people. she said she was out with all girls, but it was all guys. maybe just friends, but lying makes it look shady. She said they are just friends and maybe they are, but the fact she lied I now associate them with part of the problem and do not feel comfortable at all she is going on a cruise with them. She barely even tried to let me meet them so at least I can find some type of comfort to the situation. I asked for three weeks about going on the cruise with them and she took her sweet time in finding out if there was room on the cruise. she didn't even mention they are going to hang in miami for three days prior to the cruise whcih at least I could have did with her to feel some what at ease. She said i didn't think you would want to go to miami for only three days but never asked if i wanted to go.

 

I said if you go on the cruise (and I could be being selfish here) that you are taking a chance I may never speak to you. I basically tried to stress I dont need anymore negative things to happen between us and just to act like its all about me for a little bit. after all 9 months of lies is hard to get over in two weeks.she said she is still going on the cruise and said she isn't losing $1100. well its funny because at one point she said, if I could go, that she would go on vacation with me and not the cruise. I couldn't go because I just came back from vacation and had no more days to take. so if she was willing to not go on the cruise then, why go now based on everything that is going on. I know that may be asking much on my part, but damn i have had nothing done for me to help me get over this.

 

maybe I do just need to move on. thanks again for reading this.

[slimmontana]

I can definitely empathize ...been through a lot of drama myself....I know its hard to move on..but you have to be strong.. In the long run if its meant to be bewteen you & her it will..but she is going to have to change and treat you with the respect that you deserve....From reading your post moving on seems to be your only course of action because this type of behaviorthat she is acting out has seemed to develop a pattern.

[DX77]

thank you so much for your words. funny thing, she just had the nerve to tell me she doesn't want to do this anymore and is tired of arguinig and talking about the situation.

 

my mouth just hit the floor. i am sitting here waiting and waiting on her to get herself together and do what she needed to do and that is what i get. after all this drama she has the nerve to tell me that. all i could say was well if you can look yourself in the mirror and actually tell yourself you gave this a chance to work and did what needed to be done, then fine. and she knows she can't. Her whole attitude seems like, oh well then.

 

who wouldn't be tired of arguining and headaches. one would think if you were tired of the chaos that you would make an effort to change and not just think i will wake up one day and say ok, lets just forget what happened and not address the issue and pretend it never happened. If it was something that happened once, then ok I can see that. but 9 months..

 

i seriously can't believe she just told me that. Last night when I was expressing I wont talk to her anymore unless she calls these guys and actually takes this serious, she was like, no dont leave me, blah blah blah. today she wakes up like this. I think I am going crazy over hear. How can someone be the cause of the problem, then get frustrated because things aren't all peachy right now because they refuse to act responsible and make things right. And I still sit there and try to explain to her, obviously I am willing to try to forgive her but of course I would still be angry and upset until I see she was making moves in a positive dirction not just calling me and telling me whatever. I have never been so dumbfounded in my life.

 

She pretty much told me, well if you see that I am not doing anything then obviously you should do what? meaning I should have left her. wtf. I really wish I would have left at least I would feel somewhat better than I do now. anyways. another night filled with pain and disbelief. I guess I need to wake up. thanks again for being responding. I am over here looking real desperate. pitiful.

[midnitebuterfly]

Hey DX77, I am sorry you have had to have pain like.. But, I can also relate.. I was going out with Chris.. Now my ex.. I did a bad thing.. I lied to him. But, it was about small things. He gave me three chances. And thats all, I am going to see someone to help me get through this lieing thing. The thing is.. If he loved me the way he said he did, then he would want to talk to me and give me another chance. Ind\stead, the same day we broke up, he got with this girl Amanda.. And now he is telling her he loves her. What is going on here. Does he really love her or is he on the rebound? This really hurt me. To the point where I don't even want to look at another man in my life. I still cry myself to sleep.. I am sorry for your ex gf.. I am in the same pain as you are.. If you want to chat on aol aim or yahoo my name is sillyme2323.. They both are the same.. Hang in there..

[slimmontana]

Hey man it happens to the best of us.....Trust me...I've been there...your girlfriend seems to have the same type of personality as my girlfriend to a certain extent...If she really loves you she will come around and realize how much she has hurt you...by that time it may be too late you may want nothing to do with her after all of this..Just use this experience to empower you...Her actions depict her as a real selfish person....Just be happy you were not married to her...Sometimes we stick around just because of how good the past was...but the past does not equal the future...Trust me if you were good to her she is going to miss that it may hurt you now but in the long run its going to hurt her more than it hurts you...NO CONTACT WITH HER!!! I know its hard but what doesn't kill you just only makes you stronger!

[lost_in_chgo]

DX,

cut her loose, she's done this with malice aforethought and cannot be trusted. She will not change.

If she was confused or disturbed that would be a different story but this is deliberate or done with complete disregard for you or your relationship.

 

 

midnite,

You've admitted to being a compulsive liar and are now trying to spin it to be his fault. He's not at fault. You created this mess. Now you live with it.

 

There's no hope for you unless you start to take responsibility for your own actions and fix this lying thing you will perpetually destroy every relationship you have. Lying is a choice. And gets to be a habit. It's also a fear reaction. You're trying to avoid something by lying your way out of it. Face the music, it's alot less work in the long run. Since he caught you regularly, you're probably not very good at it either.

 

Luckily, your ex got out in time and has found a new girl who hopefully shows some common respect for him. If you want him back you are first going to have to demonstrate (not claim) that you have mended your ways. And then you are going to have to wait and hope he changes him mind.

[DX77]

thank you everyone so much for your replies and suggestions. I guess I should just cut her loose and have no contact. it sucks to think if it was meant to be she will come back around. but she is the type of person who sometimes is too selfish to even come back and admit she is wrong unless i happen to contact her. you guys all seem exaclty right. she has to know good and well what she is doing is wrong. no one is that blind except for me i guess. Hopefully if anything I do at least become stronger and maybe one day she will realize she lost a real good caring honest person.

 

I think my worst issue is trying to make sense out of all this.. oh well. thanks again everyone! maybe I should read up on the no contact rules. Do you answer the phone if the other person calls and if so, how do you act?

 

and I guess it was a good thing we weren't married. she always said I want to marry you, etc. God this sucks.

[SoleMate]

This has made me feel that me and our relationship are the least of her priorities. she always puts everything and everyone first instead of me.

Yup. Your observations are clear, and I believe your analysis is correct.

 

am I crazy for sitting here trying to give her chance after chance to change?

Not crazy, just tenacious and loyal. You've done enough, and then some. Don't blame yourself for her bad behavior.

 

I get so confused and lost because she says all the nice things, trys to come over, but her actions show nothing.

Talk is cheap, ACTIONS are what count.

 

I think my worst issue is trying to make sense out of all this..

Well, keep trying for now, I guess. I hope you will give it up within a week when you realize that NOBODY on Planet Earth is likely to have answers that will satisfy you. It doesn't make sense that people will throw away relationships that they claim to value...but they do.

 

I agree with the others that you should move on. But don't get bitter...just try to get some useful lessons from this. Like perhaps, make sure the other person is truly worthy of your love before you give it to them. And always judge on actions, not on words.

[midnitebuterfly]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

DX,

cut her loose, she's done this with malice aforethought and cannot be trusted. She will not change.

If she was confused or disturbed that would be a different story but this is deliberate or done with complete disregard for you or your relationship.

 

 

midnite,

You've admitted to being a compulsive liar and are now trying to spin it to be his fault. He's not at fault. You created this mess. Now you live with it.

 

There's no hope for you unless you start to take responsibility for your own actions and fix this lying thing you will perpetually destroy every relationship you have. Lying is a choice. And gets to be a habit. It's also a fear reaction. You're trying to avoid something by lying your way out of it. Face the music, it's alot less work in the long run. Since he caught you regularly, you're probably not very good at it either.

 

Luckily, your ex got out in time and has found a new girl who hopefully shows some common respect for him. If you want him back you are first going to have to demonstrate (not claim) that you have mended your ways. And then you are going to have to wait and hope he changes him mind.

 

OK first of all Lost, don't tell me that **** ok. You don't know the whole dang story. And by the way the girl he is with now is a cutter and is also a liar. Atleast I can admit I have a lien habit. I am getitng help for it. I am not blaming him for this. It hurts to see him have a girl the same dang day we broke up. So, don't tell me he's lucky OK. He isn't lucky b/c I am not in his life anymore,b/c girls noa days lie and crap and xheat. So don't go there with me

[DX77]

thanks solemate for breaking it down like that also. This has really helped. glad I found this message board!

[lost_in_chgo]

If he loved me the way he said he did, then he would want to talk to me and give me another chance.

You called him a liar.

 

Lying isn't a virtue you know.

And just because girls lie now adays doesn't justify it.

 

So try and be better than that.

You want to fix this? or do you just want sympathy?

 

As far as the whole story, we only know what you tell us.

Unless you're lying

 

I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did. It seems he went out of his way to discuss it with you. Told you his intentions, gave you several chances to correct your behavior and then did what he had to do.

I'll accept that he isn't lucky when you mend your ways. Then you'll be worth his time.

 

I realize that you are looking for platitudes here, but I'm really giving you good advice.

I wouldn't lie to you.

 

No really..

[midnitebuterfly]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

If he loved me the way he said he did, then he would want to talk to me and give me another chance.

You called him a liar.

 

Lying isn't a virtue you know.

And just because girls lie now adays doesn't justify it.

 

So try and be better than that.

You want to fix this? or do you just want sympathy?

 

As far as the whole story, we only know what you tell us.

Unless you're lying

 

I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did. It seems he went out of his way to discuss it with you. Told you his intentions, gave you several chances to correct your behavior and then did what he had to do.

I'll accept that he isn't lucky when you mend your ways. Then you'll be worth his time.

 

I realize that you are looking for platitudes here, but I'm really giving you good advice.

I wouldn't lie to you.

 

No really..

 

Lost, you need to leave me alone now ok.. B/c I am not wanting any kind of pitty or anything. I loved him and still do love him. Yes I made a mistake and I know what I did wrong. And to make matters clear dear.. We didn't talk on the phone. When we argued it was on-line all the time. And that is where our communication was bad. I told him I wanted to talk on the phone b/c it's better to understand one another. And he said no he wanted to talk on line. Fine whatever. So please leave me alone and don't respond back to me.

[lost_in_chgo]

OK, I lost you.

How does that relate to the topic?

Were you responding to me or to someone else?

I didn't say anything about phones or emails.

 

Was this an internet romance?

[midnitebuterfly]

We met on-line.. And we where going to meet.. But his truck was taking for ever in a day.. I'm not wanting to be rude lost.. But, I am sick and tired of everyone makin me feel like crap. Relationshops are TWO ways. So, most of it was my fault, but a little bit of it was his too.. But, I am trying to get over it..

[quyster]

I have been a victim of a lying ex-gf

 

She had some secrets about herself and she lied to me through out the 4 yrs of our relationship. I only found out after we were broken up. Because her true self came out to be a compulsive liar after we broke up.

 

We were broken up for 5 months now and she had lied to me constantly in the first 4 months... said wanted to get me back, do anything to change ( the lying habbit ), realized her problems, i'm the one for her..... But then tell me to move on and it doens't workout everytime i'm nice to her...

 

She did that to me like 3 times, now after 3 times doing that, saying all those stuff..... She dating guys now ????

 

An advice to any lying girlfriends..... Lying is not a way to solve anything... honesty is. If u dont seriously want to change ur lying, it will ruin any relationship you have had or will have.

 

lying about you change the lying habbit is the worst lie I have heard

[Max Zoom]

DX, Max will try to be gentle with you even though he feels like SCREAMING at you.

 

This girl is as selfish as can be. She has no, zero, zilch, nothing, empty, void, respect for you. You are a mere convenience for her. You my friend are a lovestruck, goofy dumb dog who will yelp when kicked but will be thrilled to lick the hand that feeds it as soon as possible thereafter..

 

If you don't cut this skank away from your life in a decisive and final manner very soon you will be of no use to any real woman in the future. Be a bad boy and tell her to f*ck off and mean it.

[DX77]

max, its ok, scream away because obviously I am an idiot. I appreciate your feedback. I guess this is my own therapy lol. funny thing, girl told me she wants us to goto a relationship counsler , but wont call the two guys from the past to tell them she ins't interested. maybe that doesn't matter in the big picture, but to me it meant some closure on the past. she also try's to act all irriated that we are always arguining now. But maybe I am wrong. after 4 weeks of trying to patch things up, I have seen about a 10% effort on her part and she wonders why I am still upset for not doing anything to make me feel better and wanted. Whether its answering her cell phone (then talking for 15 minutes with the person) when I am trying to tell her I need to talk to her about some important things in regards to this, or not even stopping by when she works down the street, or anything at all. I am so freaking lost its pathetic.

 

Maybe someone can tell me, what is to be expected if you are in a situation like mine and the person is supposed to be "proving" themself or trying to make things up to you and help you regain trust and faith in them. maybe i am expecting too much? im so stupid right now its pathetic. I must be a convenience for her. but damn how does someone act like they care and love someone. argh

[midnitebuterfly]

DX77, He is getting smart arnt you? LOL.. You deserve much better dude..

 

Guyster, For one, I am glad you guys have given me feedback.. Two, you have no idea what my past was.. All I new is liying. My mother was a LIAR! I did/and still do love Chris. I only lied about little things.. I know it was wrong and have noclue why did it. Ever since we broke up I have not told one lie to anyone!!!!!!!!! And that is good for me, not even a little lie.. So, give me some credit here. I am trying to change my bad lying habbits!