Second chance at friendship?

[DannyCA]

I want to keep this short. It's been 9 months post BU and over 2 months NC.

 

I've done everything in the book to help me get over her except for be in a new relationship. While this has helped tremendously, I still think about her all the time and still love her.

 

Post BU she was cold and never really gave me a clear answer to why she ended it (all signs pointed to GIGS and hell the blatant and disgusting jealousy I showed probably didn't help.) For roughly 2 months I begged and was clingy then stopped. Then for about a month we were talking but it wasn't the same. I then went NC for almost 2 months or so then she started texting me.

 

We talked for about 2 months again and it seemed to be much better than before but she still never acknowledged what happened. She pretended like nothing ever happened.

 

I got fed up with that and told her that I didn't feel like we should keep in contact for the foreseeable future. I told her I didn't feel like I knew her anymore (which was true) and that she can't act like nothing ever happened. I was pretty cold, I said what I wanted and hung up not giving her a chance to respond.

 

She texted me immediately apologizing and admitting that she messed up and that she realizes that she can't pretend that nothing has happened. And she said she is available to clear things up if I am willing to give her a chance. That was over 2 months ago and I haven't talked to her since.

 

In these past 9 months (especially the last 2) I have had plenty of distractions: women, socializing, school, work, etc. I still can't shake her.

 

People say everything happens for a reason, I just feel like thats the quitters anthem. I've been told time will heal me. That just sounds like accepting you are a quitter.

 

I want to contact her to find our friendship again and hope to eventually turn it back into us (even if that's foolish). I know how I felt and still feel about her and I know she felt the same. I know her and the cold hearted person that broke up with me is not her. The cold hearted person who told her to f off is not me. Distance really is a b****. I can't accept that bond we developed being so far away from each other was for nothing.

 

If not maybe I will just get the closure I still have not received.

Edited November 7, 2013 by DannyCA

[todreaminblue]

ok danny .....can you explain to me eaxctly what happened that she thinks was nothing in your mind...th ebreak up talk start there....what is your perspective on what occurred to break you up........what si your perspective behind her pretending it was nothing......what do you feel was her motivation to act in such a way....no one can answer your question you asked, yoru ex isnt psoting here you are, only work with what you feel and what you see adn then guess on her motvies from your side.......deb

[DannyCA]

ok danny .....can you explain to me eaxctly what happened that she thinks was nothing in your mind...th ebreak up talk start there....what is your perspective on what occurred to break you up........what si your perspective behind her pretending it was nothing......what do you feel was her motivation to act in such a way....no one can answer your question you asked, yoru ex isnt psoting here you are, only work with what you feel and what you see adn then guess on her motvies from your side.......deb

 

So when she moved away she didn't have any friends up there. She didn't have friends for half a year. She finally made like 3 friends and i looked them up on FB. I didn't like two of them and basically told her I didn't approve. She started acting weird around the time I started getting jealous.

 

Her being weird went on for about a month before we broke up. I can see now that month she was contemplating what she should do. And I knew that but didn't want to see it. She wasn't even supposed to be gone for more than a year.

 

Since she told me a few weeks before BU that she wasn't sure if she was coming back I told her during (what turned into the BU conversation) that in about a year I should have enough money to move up there with her. It's like she panicked and she told me she couldn't do it anymore and that she can't make life commitments at her age.

 

What confuses me is that she is the one who is all about marriage and commitment and she was the one who always brought up kids not me.

 

What I feel like she just ignores is how great we were together and that we both changed each other for the better. I am about 2 years older than her. She has abandonment and trust issues from her past which I feel like I helped relieve (mostly because her best friend) told me she's never seen my ex happier than when she is with me. And I had commitment issues that she made me see isn't a problem if you meet someone you really love.

 

To me I feel like her motivation was a mixture of me being insecure and jealous, GIGS, her not knowing if she'll ever come back to CA, and being scared of her not getting to experience whatever she wants/not finding herself...

[leafguy]

Hi Danny,

 

Just want to say I am in a very similar situation at the moment...just not 9 months post BU.

 

I have been broken up just over two months...in that time I went a month NC, and now we have been contacting ever since...still haven't seen each other.

 

I'm going to start off by saying that GIGS, finding oneself, need space, I want to experience different things...its all the same old crap. Bottom line is she wants to fish for better options. Thats the harsh truth of 99% of these situations no matter how you look at it. I got dumped for the exact same reason...first it was Im not in love with you anymore, 2nd reason was she wanted to experience things on her own...real reason she finally confessed after I called bull on it was thinking of another guy which after a month and a half she admitted too.

 

I feel for you, as it is tough to shake. I went out on a date for the first time last weekend and the girl was great, but I kept comparing her to the ex, which simply showed me I was wrong thinking I am ready.

 

I applaud you for not feeling like giving up, but think about yourself first. You appear to be working on yourself...school, work, etc...but you still aren;t fulling thinking of you first. Its great to believe the one you really love, but if she's not feeling it, you loving her to death doesn't change it.

 

Mine was all about marriage, wedding planning and all that jazz too..until when push came to shove when I wanted it and started bugging her seriously...soon as that happened, she ran.

 

My point is, try to stop worry about trying to reconcile and get yourself to a point where you are 100% thinking about yourself and only about yourself. It is great to think about her, but you could be missing out on something better...and when push comes to shove, if you worry only about yourself...you are far better off trying to reconcile as well.

 

Cognitive dissonance is key.

[DannyCA]

Hi Danny,

 

Just want to say I am in a very similar situation at the moment...just not 9 months post BU.

 

I have been broken up just over two months...in that time I went a month NC, and now we have been contacting ever since...still haven't seen each other.

 

I'm going to start off by saying that GIGS, finding oneself, need space, I want to experience different things...its all the same old crap. Bottom line is she wants to fish for better options. Thats the harsh truth of 99% of these situations no matter how you look at it. I got dumped for the exact same reason...first it was Im not in love with you anymore, 2nd reason was she wanted to experience things on her own...real reason she finally confessed after I called bull on it was thinking of another guy which after a month and a half she admitted too.

 

I feel for you, as it is tough to shake. I went out on a date for the first time last weekend and the girl was great, but I kept comparing her to the ex, which simply showed me I was wrong thinking I am ready.

 

I applaud you for not feeling like giving up, but think about yourself first. You appear to be working on yourself...school, work, etc...but you still aren;t fulling thinking of you first. Its great to believe the one you really love, but if she's not feeling it, you loving her to death doesn't change it.

 

Mine was all about marriage, wedding planning and all that jazz too..until when push came to shove when I wanted it and started bugging her seriously...soon as that happened, she ran.

 

My point is, try to stop worry about trying to reconcile and get yourself to a point where you are 100% thinking about yourself and only about yourself. It is great to think about her, but you could be missing out on something better...and when push comes to shove, if you worry only about yourself...you are far better off trying to reconcile as well.

 

Cognitive dissonance is key.

 

Thanks everything you said makes perfect sense. I never really thought of the fact that I need to 100% think of myself to be better off to reconcile with her. My only problem is that I fear that it may be to late to have what I want with her by the time I am 100%. But then again I guess if I'm worried about that, I'm not 100% thinking about myself.

 

I guess I want to ask why are you in contact with her? What are you gaining/ gained or what do you hope to gain from talking to her? If anything isn't that hurting your progress?

[j.gman]

I don't think you're fully over the breakup.

If you contact her now, you'll get emotional and needy, which will push her away. You

should keep NC until you're fully healed.