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Long story short. I was in a relationship for 3 years. Lived together for 1 yr. He bought me an engagement ring, said he wanted to marry me for months. In April, he broke it off. I never begged but did cry and asked if we could do couples counseling, all the stuff you aren't supposed to do. He said he was confused, wasn't sure, all that stuff. Basically, he was never able to give me a concrete reason.

 

For about 2 months, contact was initiated on both of our sides, and we saw each other a few times, talked on the phone. For the past 2 months, I have never once initiated any type of contact. He would text me every 2-3 days just asking how I was doing or to send me pics on my phone. We have met up once since July at his request. I have kept things light, never mentioned the relationship status. I have been very slow in responding to any texts, never called, ect.

 

Yesterday, I told him that I appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that I am not interested in being his friend. I need some space and time away from him and would appreciate it if he would give me that. He ended up sending me an interesting email, basically stating how much he misses me, was worried I was with another guy and was trying to tell him not to hold out any hope for us. How hard it has been for him that I obviously didn't respond to texts that quickly and never called. I said that I can't continue to have him contacting me when I don't know what it means. He said he was not selling my ring back because he was still confused and didn't know what he wanted, needed more time, ect.

 

I was very calm and told him that I needed my space, and he was free to have his time. I said I was not angry at him, and he has a right to be undecided. However, I cannot be undecided and sit with him as he does this. He said he is sad but understands and wants me to know I am free to date other people, and he cannot hold me here.

 

I felt I did the only thing I could do by requesting NC. I am very sad about this, but I feel I did what was right in my gut. Does everyone think I did the right thing? Or should I have tried to wait it out with LC and see if he changed his mind?

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I strongly believe that this is a wise course of action. Waiting around while he sorts out his confusion would only cause you more pain. That said, I am sorry for your loss.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

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BC1980,

 

I think you did the right thing. Only if he came strong and decisive and would be ready to do anything for you two to be together I would reconsider.

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Thanks for the responses. It's just sad when I think about it. I'm trying not to think about him and just continue on my path. The only thing I worry about is what if I had let it play out with LC. However, I feel that if he loves me enough, going NC won't change that. But using LC will give him a reason to hedge. Above all, I needed to make it clear that he isn't running the show. I just need to start believing that everyday.

 

I haven't a clue if he will try to contact me. I was the one who asked for NC after all. Who knows how I will even feel in a month anyway. I feel like we both played a part in the demise of the relationship, and I do think he was right to end it at the time. It freed me to see some things clearly regarding us.

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Good for you for going no contact, BC1980.

 

Mixed signals = lies

After reading about him I have to say: Boy, George! This guy is brilliant!

He gives you all these mixed signals = lies.

Tells you:

«he misses me, was worried I was with another guy»

 

Oh, and he's good, he even has you so well trained:

You wrote:

«For about 2 months, contact was initiated on both of our sides, and we saw each other a few times, talked on the phone. For the past 2 months, I have never once initiated any type of contact. He would text me every 2-3 days just asking how I was doing or to send me pics on my phone. We have met up once since July at his request. I have kept things light, never mentioned the relationship status. I have been very slow in responding to any texts, never called, ect.»

 

It's diabolical!

 

The reason for no contact is to not be around to even hear such hurtful or confusing things from the exes mouth/e-mails.

 

Don't make a sound, be very quiet, and tiptoe yourself out of his life.

 

How can he miss you if he gets to be with you?

Be friends with you?

Talk to you whenever he wants to.

 

The let's be friends crap, aka LC, keeps both of you from moving on with your lives - that's crazy!

 

You have to stay strong with no contact for the sake of both you and your ex - he will thank you for it someday - maybe not today.

 

Hah!

 

This is what LC looks like:

Oh, and by the way, LC only works out well for your ex.

 

He breaks up with you, rips your heart out, and then later gets to hang out with you, text you, complain that you don't answer quickly enough, etc. (this «lovely» behaviour is LC in a nutshell).

 

Idiot ex-hole.

 

Ex-hole gets to live in your world commitment-free.

Not quite sure what you're getting.

 

But I know what he is getting: He's got the ultimate situation, a great ex, now a «friend», with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or talk to when ever he wants to. And if he can't see you he moans and complains to you in e-mails and text.

 

And worries that you might find a new guy.

What did he expect?!

He broke up with you?!

 

Yes, focus on getting your life back, not on figuring out what your ex wants, he is old enough to figure that out on his own, and take action to get it.

 

You want someone who wants you, and is willingly to come after you, you can't do all the heavy lifting, he needs to evolve.

 

No contact will help him do just that.

 

Let me share something with you:

there comes a point when all those feelings of panic and fear of losing them/ex go's away and pure logic takes over.

All thanks to no contact.

Not LC.

 

If you’re really committed to get an ex back,

you will keep that flame burning with hope and commitment.

 

My suggestion is focus on the positive things you have going in your life now: family, friends, hobbies, work, the support from other forum members, etc.

 

Then fill your heart and mind with positivity.

This will not only make you feel better, but it will attract more positive things into your life.

 

If your ex coming back really is a positive thing, it will happen.

 

But for now, choose you. Choose no contact.

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Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. When I asked him why he kept contacting me, he said it was hard not to talk after sharing everything for 3 years. I said that you forfeit those rights when you break up. He said he understood and would respect my decision.

 

I feel at peace with the decision, and you are right. I need to focus on NC as a way to remove myself from the stress of mixed signals. As much as I wish it would work out someday, now is not that time. Now is for me.

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Simon Phoenix

Yes, you did 100 percent the right thing. He was being a cake eater and you were supplying that cake. I'm glad you are doing this.

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Long story short. I was in a relationship for 3 years. Lived together for 1 yr. He bought me an engagement ring, said he wanted to marry me for months. In April, he broke it off. I never begged but did cry and asked if we could do couples counseling, all the stuff you aren't supposed to do. He said he was confused, wasn't sure, all that stuff. Basically, he was never able to give me a concrete reason.

 

For about 2 months, contact was initiated on both of our sides, and we saw each other a few times, talked on the phone. For the past 2 months, I have never once initiated any type of contact. He would text me every 2-3 days just asking how I was doing or to send me pics on my phone. We have met up once since July at his request. I have kept things light, never mentioned the relationship status. I have been very slow in responding to any texts, never called, ect.

 

Yesterday, I told him that I appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that I am not interested in being his friend. I need some space and time away from him and would appreciate it if he would give me that. He ended up sending me an interesting email, basically stating how much he misses me, was worried I was with another guy and was trying to tell him not to hold out any hope for us. How hard it has been for him that I obviously didn't respond to texts that quickly and never called. I said that I can't continue to have him contacting me when I don't know what it means. He said he was not selling my ring back because he was still confused and didn't know what he wanted, needed more time, ect.

 

I was very calm and told him that I needed my space, and he was free to have his time. I said I was not angry at him, and he has a right to be undecided. However, I cannot be undecided and sit with him as he does this. He said he is sad but understands and wants me to know I am free to date other people, and he cannot hold me here.

 

I felt I did the only thing I could do by requesting NC. I am very sad about this, but I feel I did what was right in my gut. Does everyone think I did the right thing? Or should I have tried to wait it out with LC and see if he changed his mind?

 

Of course you have done the right thing.

 

You know what you want ....HIM.

 

He, however, is 'confused', 'needs more time', 'doesn't know what he wants' etc etc.......which all adds up to he wants you as an option, maybe, possibly, if no one better comes along, when he gets bored and not a priority.

 

Oh, and how nice of him to say you are free to date other people:rolleyes: A guy who really wanted to be with you would never say that.

 

I'm sorry, I know it hurts to not have feelings recipricated, but you are doing the right thing.

 

xx

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Yes, you did 100 percent the right thing. He was being a cake eater and you were supplying that cake. I'm glad you are doing this.

 

He is the ultimate cake eater. I was basically acting like his wife but with no commitment, which was part of the problem. I can only blame myself for that, but at least I have finally gotten the courage I knew I should have had during our relationship.

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He, however, is 'confused', 'needs more time', 'doesn't know what he wants' etc etc.......which all adds up to he wants you as an option, maybe, possibly, if no one better comes along, when he gets bored and not a priority.

 

You are exactly right, and I see that so clearly now. He wants me as an option. I am worth more than that. I won't settle for being someone's option and not a priority.

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I have had some problems with an eating disorder, which was the main issue. It led to stress in my part and overreacting to some situations. The other main problem is that I was not satisfied with him no commiting at that point. So I allowed myself to get bitter over time and added to my stress, which came out as overreactions to some things.

 

The thing is that I do agree he was right to end it because it was not good the way it was at that point. I was really mad at first, but him ending it has allowed me to see things more clearly. But it's beyond sad to me, and I hope we can make it work one day. But I know today in not that day, and I know I will be okay either way.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Long story short. I was in a relationship for 3 years. Lived together for 1 yr. He bought me an engagement ring, said he wanted to marry me for months. In April, he broke it off. I never begged but did cry and asked if we could do couples counseling, all the stuff you aren't supposed to do. He said he was confused, wasn't sure, all that stuff. Basically, he was never able to give me a concrete reason.

 

For about 2 months, contact was initiated on both of our sides, and we saw each other a few times, talked on the phone. For the past 2 months, I have never once initiated any type of contact. He would text me every 2-3 days just asking how I was doing or to send me pics on my phone. We have met up once since July at his request. I have kept things light, never mentioned the relationship status. I have been very slow in responding to any texts, never called, ect.

 

Yesterday, I told him that I appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that I am not interested in being his friend. I need some space and time away from him and would appreciate it if he would give me that. He ended up sending me an interesting email, basically stating how much he misses me, was worried I was with another guy and was trying to tell him not to hold out any hope for us. How hard it has been for him that I obviously didn't respond to texts that quickly and never called. I said that I can't continue to have him contacting me when I don't know what it means. He said he was not selling my ring back because he was still confused and didn't know what he wanted, needed more time, ect.

 

I was very calm and told him that I needed my space, and he was free to have his time. I said I was not angry at him, and he has a right to be undecided. However, I cannot be undecided and sit with him as he does this. He said he is sad but understands and wants me to know I am free to date other people, and he cannot hold me here.

 

I felt I did the only thing I could do by requesting NC. I am very sad about this, but I feel I did what was right in my gut. Does everyone think I did the right thing? Or should I have tried to wait it out with LC and see if he changed his mind?

 

You did the right thing..yes, it hurts, it's painful, I am there now and I was the dumpee. I think about her a lot, though I can tell you, it's been 7+ days now and it's getting easier.

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Thank you so much. I needed to hear that. When I asked him why he kept contacting me, he said it was hard not to talk after sharing everything for 3 years. I said that you forfeit those rights when you break up. He said he understood and would respect my decision.

 

I feel at peace with the decision, and you are right. I need to focus on NC as a way to remove myself from the stress of mixed signals. As much as I wish it would work out someday, now is not that time. Now is for me.

 

My ex said the same, that she needs me, I am her best friend, she misses me, she wants to see me, yet she has things to work on alone...

 

I told her she was sending me mixed message by texting me, stopping by to see me, spending the night..emotionally I was a mess and knew if I ever wanted to be in another relationship I had to go NC. She kept saying she did not want NC, that it would be too painful, that she just could not do it.

 

It's been 7+ days now, I am doing better and my guess is she is too.

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It's been almost 3 weeks, and I have had rough moments. I never wanted to contact him though because it won't help anything. The alternative to NC wasn't acceptable anymore.

 

He sent my dad a birthday card last week. I just don't get it. It's like he wants an emotional connect so badly that he is willing to do something a little foolish like send my dad a card, yet he can't commit. You just can't have it both ways. He's delusional in a lot of ways, and it's gotten to the point that I actually feel sorry for him. Funny how things come full circle.

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That seems like a surprising reach to me... who sends someone's dad a birthday card, let alone their ex's? Makes me wonder if he's still in denial about the relationship ending, he doesn't seem able to let go.

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That seems like a surprising reach to me... who sends someone's dad a birthday card, let alone their ex's? Makes me wonder if he's still in denial about the relationship ending, he doesn't seem able to let go.

 

See, that's the boat I'm in. I had been allowing my ex to make these huge strides to reconnect emotionally to me because 1) that's important to me 2) I thought it would help the relationship if it was rekindled and 3) I though doing such things WAS a path to reconciliation. Perhaps it still is, and perhaps my ex is waffling between options, but I am realizing right now that I was making myself the easy option. No challenge if he can sit there and think that he can divulge all his feelings to me without expecting to do much else but me a shoulder for me to cry on in turn. But he wouldn't have to worry about all the other responsibility that goes with that, at least for now. He'd tell me repeatedly how happy it made him to spend time with me and how he thought our interactions were really good for us. He'd cuddle me around his friends and pretty much still act like we were a couple, except no sex or anything. So PART OF ME wonders if my ex was feeling those same bits of denial, because trust me, he was the one doing all the legwork to keep up contact.

 

Meanwhile, now I've decided to lay low because some people here are helping me realize that he's taking those benefits from our relationship (loose definition of the word) and enjoying them without any real pressure to decide. By taking it away, it will make him consider how much he wants that in his life, if at all. Because if anything, I *do* know my ex well enough to know the abrupt change will get to him.

 

...I just feel bad... he wanted to talk about all this stuff over lunch and I shut him down :T

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Hmm... while I can't know your situation as well as you do, if he is doing a lot of legwork it does show he cares. I totally agree that if you take it away it will force him to come to terms with how he feels.

 

When I was with my ex, I often felt I was in the position to be most likely to dump/leave because of how things had gone between us. But the times we went for even 2-3 days without contact or I thought I might really lose her it drove me crazy and I would reconnect with her.

 

She had a hard time being totally open and vulnerable... she might say that she was open and vulnerable but I think that if she would have laid it all out on the table when I came in to reconnect we could have gotten on the same page and really got into having a balanced, committed relationship. I tried to never use her vulnerability against her... I always respected it and gave her my undivided attention.

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Hmm... while I can't know your situation as well as you do, if he is doing a lot of legwork it does show he cares. I totally agree that if you take it away it will force him to come to terms with how he feels.

 

When I was with my ex, I often felt I was in the position to be most likely to dump/leave because of how things had gone between us. But the times we went for even 2-3 days without contact or I thought I might really lose her it drove me crazy and I would reconnect with her.

 

She had a hard time being totally open and vulnerable... she might say that she was open and vulnerable but I think that if she would have laid it all out on the table when I came in to reconnect we could have gotten on the same page and really got into having a balanced, committed relationship. I tried to never use her vulnerability against her... I always respected it and gave her my undivided attention.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what's thrown me for a loop in all this. I really thought he was trying to make efforts there, especially considering his logical self and his emotional self were/are always at war. But as of late, he would, like clockwork, message me every night whether it was through text or Facebook, and then we'd arrange to hang out about once a week, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. He would treat me almost the same way he did when we were together, would get cuddly and affectionate, and we were starting to have very good, honest, emotional discussions like we had never had when we were together. (Whenever I'd try to bring up something serious, he'd get cagey and say things like, 'I don't want to have serious talks with you. I just want to enjoy your company.')

 

So to me, it felt like things were being repaired, and then he asked me if he had ever apologized for how he acted when we were together, and I stupidly said, 'No, not really. It just makes me sad you wouldn't want to try again now that we're improving.' And he flip-flopped from that to saying that he didn't love me to then saying he just wanted me to be happy and healthy and then we could see what we were and where we were going. It was after that I just started being terse in my replies and he started getting a little desperate in his messaging, because I think he could tell he'd rocked the boat. (Sorry if that's long, but that's the short version of events!)

 

I really hope removing all the comforts of our interactions will give him pause like you say. If he was really seeking comfort and all that kind of thing from me and he liked it, maybe it will make him consider that those things are a privilege not a right, and just being "friends" with somebody doesn't automatically give you access because we have a shared history or whatever. I just don't want him sitting around thinking that I'm made of glass and that he can't have a relationship with someone like that, because I'm not that fragile, even if I do have very intense emotions.

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That seems like a surprising reach to me... who sends someone's dad a birthday card, let alone their ex's? Makes me wonder if he's still in denial about the relationship ending, he doesn't seem able to let go.

 

I do think you are right about the denial. I never thought if that before, but it makes sense. I guess it's some kind of coping mechanism.

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Yeah, that's exactly what's thrown me for a loop in all this. I really thought he was trying to make efforts there, especially considering his logical self and his emotional self were/are always at war. But as of late, he would, like clockwork, message me every night whether it was through text or Facebook, and then we'd arrange to hang out about once a week, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. He would treat me almost the same way he did when we were together, would get cuddly and affectionate, and we were starting to have very good, honest, emotional discussions like we had never had when we were together. (Whenever I'd try to bring up something serious, he'd get cagey and say things like, 'I don't want to have serious talks with you. I just want to enjoy your company.')

 

So to me, it felt like things were being repaired, and then he asked me if he had ever apologized for how he acted when we were together, and I stupidly said, 'No, not really. It just makes me sad you wouldn't want to try again now that we're improving.' And he flip-flopped from that to saying that he didn't love me to then saying he just wanted me to be happy and healthy and then we could see what we were and where we were going. It was after that I just started being terse in my replies and he started getting a little desperate in his messaging, because I think he could tell he'd rocked the boat. (Sorry if that's long, but that's the short version of events!)

 

I really hope removing all the comforts of our interactions will give him pause like you say. If he was really seeking comfort and all that kind of thing from me and he liked it, maybe it will make him consider that those things are a privilege not a right, and just being "friends" with somebody doesn't automatically give you access because we have a shared history or whatever. I just don't want him sitting around thinking that I'm made of glass and that he can't have a relationship with someone like that, because I'm not that fragile, even if I do have very intense emotions.

 

This is almost exactly what was going in with my ex. He was always the one reaching out for the past 2 months. I think he was trying to hold and see if he changed his mind. But it's not fair for me. It's true that they won't come to a decision if given all the benefits of a relationship. I did NC for myself, but it benefits him too in the end.

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I do think you are right about the denial. I never thought if that before, but it makes sense. I guess it's some kind of coping mechanism.

 

But if they're in denial and they're the ones who ended it, then why even stay broken up? That's what confuses me about these situations, like what my ex is doing or yours sending that card. If you're so determined to be done, why do this stuff? Why try to make it seem like it's just like it always was and pretend like it's okay? Because you can make it ACTUALLY okay....

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But if they're in denial and they're the ones who ended it, then why even stay broken up? That's what confuses me about these situations, like what my ex is doing or yours sending that card. If you're so determined to be done, why do this stuff? Why try to make it seem like it's just like it always was and pretend like it's okay? Because you can make it ACTUALLY okay....

 

They were together for years, talked about marriage, you can't erase all those things in months... So I wouldn't read too much into it.

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They were together for years, talked about marriage, you can't erase all those things in months... So I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I am remembering now why I hate people and never bothered with relationships for such a long damn time.

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