Don't know

[Mariposa10]

Hello,

 

I need an unbiased opinion... My ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 almost 5 years. At the begging of this year we decided to break up because we were fighting too much. Even though we broke up, we remained fwb. We still acted as a couple we did everything as a couple, however every now and then we would talk about finding new people to date (I was the one who would bring that up). To make things short he met someone, they kept in touch texting/calling etc. As soon as I found out I asked him what kind of relationship we had and about our future. Anyway, we ended up "breaking up" again. Now he says he loves me but he likes this girl. He says he misses me and loves me but now he's also interested in this girl. I don't know what to do. The last time we talked on the phone, he told me that ONLY reasons we don't have a relationship (me and him) is because of this girl... He said, "I like having her as a friend, and I know you won't let me have her as friend." I told him that he should try to see things from my perspective.

 

I don't know what to do, he still contacts me we have even hung out once as friends. I want to have a relationship with him, but I feel like everything is ruined now because there's a third person.

 

I've hurt him(I can feel it and he's told me), and I was the one who brought up the whole thing about finding new people but I wasn't serious I was mad when I said it, now he's using that against me. I feel like this is all my fault (maybe not all my fault but 80% my fault) but I don't think it's fair that he's pretty much asking me to wait for him or even date other people maybe while he gets to know this girl.

 

Help, please!!

[Philosoraptor]

It takes two to tango, so don't blame it all on yourself.

 

What he seems to wait is exactly what you said, you to be a backup option. You gave him sex and intmacy while he was searching for your replacement. He was able to have a seamless transition because of that. Don't wait around, do what's best for yourself right now and work on moving on.

[Mariposa10]

He's never been manipulative, but I feel like he's saying that if I really love him, I have to be friends. He says he loves me and never wants to lose me. We made plans about getting married and having children together. When he met this girl he said he wasn't interested in her at all, but I kept making a big deal about it, I feel like I pushed him? (that sounds so pathetic I know).

 

He says that if we love each other we should be friends. Right now he's trying to get rid of the resentment he feels towards me but he's also talking to this girl. What worries me is that I don't think he just wants to have sex with her, I think he is really trying to see if they could have a future together. It sounds serious... But on the other hand, he also told me, "if we wait, I know I will feel the same way I felt about you, I always forgive."

 

But how long should I wait?

 

Is it possible to love someone and still like somebody else A LOT?

[Mariposa10]

I think the best thing I can do is stop talking to him, but when I don't text him, he contacts me... I'm so confused... I can't be his friend if he's gonna be dating this girl. I know I don't own him or anything, but I don't think I can go through that pain. But he doesn't seem to understand that.

 

I don't know if I should ask him to stop contacting me or just ignore him... Maybe I should talk to him and tell him we have to stop talking. I'm so confused.

[Philosoraptor]

But on the other hand, he also told me, "if we wait, I know I will feel the same way I felt about you, I always forgive."

Sounds like a good line to hook you around incase this girl he likes doesn't work out.

 

But how long should I wait?

You don't. You move on with your own life.

 

Is it possible to love someone and still like somebody else A LOT?

If he loved you as much as he said he would be committed to you.

[Mariposa10]

He wants to have dinner tomorrow, but after our phone call when he said the only reason we don't have a relationship is because of this girl, I don't know how I feel about having dinner with him now. I feel so bad now... I never thought something like this would happen. He told me I'm the girl he's loved the most (he said that when we were together) I wish I had done things differently, I wish I hadn't talked about dating anybody else, I wish I hadn't broken up with him in the first place. I feel full of regrets!!

 

I want to understand him, but I can't! If he loves me and misses me and still finds me attractive why not have a relationship with me? So what if you like someone?! I've liked other guys, but it seems like he really really likes this girl. He did say he was scared of how controlling I was getting (but that was at the very end). I told him, I knew what my mistakes were and that I was gonna try to improve on that. I don't know understand how we got this horrible situation.

Edited July 30, 2013 by Mariposa10

[lula69]

Good grief. So much game playing. Why all this game playing?

 

"I was the one bringing this up, but I didn't mean it".

 

That was the mistake.

 

Say what you mean and hold onto yourself as you observe his response. Why are people trying to manipulate the other, leading them on, just so as to dump them first. You were as opportunistic as he is.

 

It may be too late. He is toying with that girl, and as long as you hang around, he's got no urgency to resolve that.

 

Again, you need to decide what kind of relationship you want, not who you want it with. You have an attachment which keeps you around, but that doesn't speak about him. Is he really the right one for you? Why did you keep on fighting? If you could make him decide for you and drop the other girl, would you then regret it and break up with him again?

 

He can't really trust you either, so he will have a hard time dropping his new interest for something that will just end up in the same fighting and gaming.

 

The resolution is to know what you want, to make a clear offer without gaming, know your bottom line, and then let him respond. This is often hard when it is about "I will move on". That threat isn't very credible. Actions speak louder than words.

 

But when you are clear WHAT you want, it is less difficult to get over the hurt of losing the attachment.

 

He needs to make a decision and by you hanging around he has no urgency to make it.

[Mariposa10]

Good grief. So much game playing. Why all this game playing?

 

"I was the one bringing this up, but I didn't mean it".

 

That was the mistake.

 

Say what you mean and hold onto yourself as you observe his response. Why are people trying to manipulate the other, leading them on, just so as to dump them first. You were as opportunistic as he is.

 

It may be too late. He is toying with that girl, and as long as you hang around, he's got no urgency to resolve that.

 

Again, you need to decide what kind of relationship you want, not who you want it with. You have an attachment which keeps you around, but that doesn't speak about him. Is he really the right one for you? Why did you keep on fighting? If you could make him decide for you and drop the other girl, would you then regret it and break up with him again?

 

He can't really trust you either, so he will have a hard time dropping his new interest for something that will just end up in the same fighting and gaming.

 

The resolution is to know what you want, to make a clear offer without gaming, know your bottom line, and then let him respond. This is often hard when it is about "I will move on". That threat isn't very credible. Actions speak louder than words.

 

But when you are clear WHAT you want, it is less difficult to get over the hurt of losing the attachment.

 

He needs to make a decision and by you hanging around he has no urgency to make it.

 

Thanks for your input, it's very helpful because you actually sound a little bit like him. Yes, he says he is scared I will dump him in the future. He said the same thing you did, that me talking about moving on and dating other people was the biggest mistake I ever made because he did believe me. But like I told him, I NEVER did anything about it. I NEVER went out with anybody else.

I want us to get back together. But I don't even think that would be a good idea now after he said that the ONLY reason we don't have a relationship "sooner" is because of this girl. It seems like he likes her a lot!! I don't want him to be with me if he's gonna be thinking about this girl. They have some work-related stuff, so I don't know if it's gonna be possible for him to completely forget about this girl. I kind of already made a clear offer, he just said he needed time to get rid of resentment, but that's not entirely true because he is also getting to know this girl. He says he needs time, blah, blah, and I would be perfectly fine with that, but he's talking/texting with this girl.

 

I'm thinking about hanging out with him one last time. And then just tell him I wish him good luck, that I love him and that I'm sorry about everything I did, that I wish I had done things differently etc. But that I need time to be on my own??

 

 

He keepemphasizing how much we love each other because we've managed to stay friends, but that's not what I want... and then has also said how much he appreciate how I haven't put too much pressure on him you know not begging him to take me back... He talks about how much he misses me and loves me but that he's interested in this new girl (he only said it when I asked him). I don't call him, he's the one who calls me. He keeps sending me mixed signals, which is sooo weird because he's alwasy been really mature. I even told him, "I don't think you know what you want." And he didn't say anything...

 

Here's where I need help:

I don't want to give him an ultimatum because I do not own him, but how can I tell him that I need to move on too, if he's gonna be dating this girl? Because he wants to keep talking, that's for sure.

 

Thanks again.

[Philosoraptor]

Here's where I need help:

I don't want to give him an ultimatum because I do not own him, but how can I tell him that I need to move on too, if he's gonna be dating this girl? Because he wants to keep talking, that's for sure.

 

Thanks again.

You don't need to say anything at all. You just start moving on. If he does contact you either don't respond or keep it professional. Don't talk about your past relationship and change the subject if he brings it up.

 

Moving on isn't something you talk about or discuss, it's just something you do.

[Mariposa10]

You don't need to say anything at all. You just start moving on. If he does contact you either don't respond or keep it professional. Don't talk about your past relationship and change the subject if he brings it up.

 

Moving on isn't something you talk about or discuss, it's just something you do.

 

But I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore... I want him to know that I love him, but I won't put up with this because I have dignity. I don't want to "ignore" his calls, I want him to stop contacting me. I want him to contact me only if he's ready to have a relationship with me. I don't want him to contact me just because he loves my voice and misses me. I'm tired of that.

[PlumPrincess]

But I don't want him to think I don't love him anymore... I want him to know that I love him, but I won't put up with this because I have dignity. I don't want to "ignore" his calls, I want him to stop contacting me. I want him to contact me only if he's ready to have a relationship with me. I don't want him to contact me just because he loves my voice and misses me. I'm tired of that.

If he contacts you, you can say that you can't deal with the situation and that you need space, that's it. It's perfectly normal to want to have space when you have feelings for someone who doesn't fully reciprocate them.

[Mariposa10]

If he contacts you, you can say that you can't deal with the situation and that you need space, that's it. It's perfectly normal to want to have space when you have feelings for someone who doesn't fully reciprocate them.

 

Yeah, this sounds good... Aaah, it's gonna be so hard!!! But I need to do it. I feel really bad doing what I'm doing.

 

I once read that it was a good idea to keep in touch with your ex to show him how you've changed even if he's dating, that it shouldn't be any of my business what he's doing, but I feel like he's gonna friend-zone me soon.

[Mariposa10]

What do you guys think about this NC article?

Will No Contact Rule Get Back Your Ex? | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

My ex boyfriend is a very confident person and this article says NC doesn't work with people who are like that....

[Mariposa10]

Now I feel all confused again... this is all too hard...

[eleve82]

Mariposa.. Confident people do not sit on the fence - he has told you that he doesn't know what he wants and likes another girl. Meanwhile he calls you etc. Christine's advice does not apply to exs who are deliberately stringing you along - do you honestly want to be with someone who is so indecisive, insecure? It is terribly unattractive and weak.

 

You need to firmly put all hopes of him coming back to you to rest once and for all.

[lula69]

Look, dear Butterfly, you are using NC like the non-ultimatum to coax him into coming back to you.

 

Like PhilosoRaptor says, you move on, not talk about it, not act as if. You move on, you stop keeping your love for him warm. You do this because that is what you need to do for yourself.

 

You don't do it because he is bad. You don't do it because you want to game him once again. You do it for yourself.

 

You will start looking for realizing your life, the kind of relationship you want. And next time you have learned from your mistakes.

 

Stop all this gaming, for goodness sake. Know yourself, and hold onto yourself as you say what you mean and mean what you say.

[lula69]

And again, you don't focus on this "NC" thing. You don't focus on not thinking about him. You can't not think of a pink elephant if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant.

 

You focus on positive.

 

Forget this stupid NC, folks. Seriously. It is just f*cking you all up.

 

In every piece I read I see this NC misused as some sort of medicine or extortion device.

 

Half of the people should try to make their relationship work by being kind and understanding and not protecting themselves in power-play.

 

The other half should realize that their gaming has already ruined it. There is a window of opportunity in love, when it's gone it's gone. Learn your lesson and move on.

 

Not NC, not negative, moving on means breathing deeply feeling the pain of the death of something that was alive in you. Looking into the open grave. Toss in your last flower. Cry profusely. Then turn around and step into your new life. Feel the pain as it washes over you like the waves of the ocean, but do not look back. Feel the rain as you go for long walks to feel yourself, see the world, experience nature. Connect with your friends, or find new ones. Be in groups, volunteering for example. Associate with others for some good cause. Talk with others. And you will obsess from time to time. Your thoughts will wander back to the person you were so attached to. But you won't linger on these thoughts. You won't punish yourself for them either. They will come and go like the water under the bridge. Move forward and don't look back.

[Mariposa10]

And again, you don't focus on this "NC" thing. You don't focus on not thinking about him. You can't not think of a pink elephant if I tell you not to think of a pink elephant.

 

You focus on positive.

 

Forget this stupid NC, folks. Seriously. It is just f*cking you all up.

 

In every piece I read I see this NC misused as some sort of medicine or extortion device.

 

Half of the people should try to make their relationship work by being kind and understanding and not protecting themselves in power-play.

 

The other half should realize that their gaming has already ruined it. There is a window of opportunity in love, when it's gone it's gone. Learn your lesson and move on.

 

Not NC, not negative, moving on means breathing deeply feeling the pain of the death of something that was alive in you. Looking into the open grave. Toss in your last flower. Cry profusely. Then turn around and step into your new life. Feel the pain as it washes over you like the waves of the ocean, but do not look back. Feel the rain as you go for long walks to feel yourself, see the world, experience nature. Connect with your friends, or find new ones. Be in groups, volunteering for example. Associate with others for some good cause. Talk with others. And you will obsess from time to time. Your thoughts will wander back to the person you were so attached to. But you won't linger on these thoughts. You won't punish yourself for them either. They will come and go like the water under the bridge. Move forward and don't look back.

 

 

Thanks, this is really good advice. What should I do when he calls me then?

[BC1980]

You could say something like I need a few weeks to evaluate what I want in my life. You don't have to give him an ultimatum because that won't work anyway. You can make him aware of his choices in other ways.

 

Say you need no contact for a few weeks, and truly stick to it once you say it. Be prepared to stick to it. Remember, you always need to be prepared to back up what you say. Otherwise, he won't take you seriously.

[lula69]

You should learn to say the truth. No games with "give me time / space". Know and then say what is real for you.

 

I would say (and have)

 

"I love you very much, but this is not what I want. I want to be your priority or I have to move on, because I want to be in a relationship where I am priority for him as he is for me. I love you, and want you, but I know in my head I don't need you, and sooner or later my heart and feelings will get there too. I understand you may reach out to me out of guilt or pity, or may be to keep me warm just in case. But I don't want to be second choice. I love you and rather be with you, but it's all or nothing. What is happening made it quite clear that I need to move on to find my happiness that I want, and will have in my life. So please don't prolong my temporary pain, don't contact me for any of these reasons of your guilt or pity on me, or to keep me warm just in case. I'll be fine in the end. I love you, sad that it didn't work out. I hope you'll be happy. Bye bye and peace be with you."

 

Something like that. I would consider.

Edited August 2, 2013 by lula69

[Mariposa10]

You should learn to say the truth. No games with "give me time / space". Know and then say what is real for you.

 

I would say (and have)

 

"I love you very much, but this is not what I want. I want to be your priority or I have to move on, because I want to be in a relationship where I am priority for him as he is for me. I love you, and want you, but I know in my head I don't need you, and sooner or later my heart and feelings will get there too. I understand you may reach out to me out of guilt or pity, or may be to keep me warm just in case. But I don't want to be second choice. I love you and rather be with you, but it's all or nothing. What is happening made it quite clear that I need to move on to find my happiness that I want, and will have in my life. So please don't prolong my temporary pain, don't contact me for any of these reasons of your guilt or pity on me, or to keep me warm just in case. I'll be fine in the end. I love you, sad that it didn't work out. I hope you'll be happy. Bye bye and peace be with you."

 

Something like that. I would consider.

 

Thanks for the advice! I love your post <3

 

So we had dinner the other day (just like I said I would) and he said he missed me a lot, but said that the longer we went without seeing each other the more he missed me. I told him "you're so confused, you don't know what you want, I wouldn't want to be in your position." And he said "I'm not confused, I know what I want, I want you" We were getting really close (but not about to kiss or anything) and then he got up and said, but I'm single now, I don't want people to think we're a couple. I couldn't believe he said that. I told him if you're single then you shouldn't worry about what people think, and he said, I'm not worried, it's just that right now we're friends. That made me so confused, it's not like he has a girlfriend already, maybe he's dating that girl I've mentioned before. Besides that comment he was really nice and sweet, and we talked about how we needed to re-connect as friends first before we decide what the next step will be...

 

I was so ready to ask him to stop contacting me, but after what he said I felt like I still had a chance, but after the comment he made at the very end about being single, I don't know what to think anymore. Of course he's single, I know that already, there's no need to rub it in my face. He also said, "I'm so happy I didin't lose you, I thought I had lost you when you started talking about dating other people" (I know that was my biggest mistake!!!)

 

Am I overreacting?

Edited August 3, 2013 by Mariposa10

[lula69]

Ha, what a move. He has sucked you back in.

 

I am saying that without resentment and not pushing you to now "protect" yourself and "go NC" and stuff like that.

 

You still want him. But you don't want him like that, do you?

 

So, you now can make an effort to really understand what's going on. To get the complete picture about himself, his needs, the reasons for his strange act, so you can understand it in the best light of truth, with kindness but without delusion.

 

And you can feel if you like what you see, if you can live with that like that.

 

May be I missed it. But has he said anything about that other girl? Has he said that he finished with her? How can he say "I want you" if his actions say "don't come too close"? I find the words don't fit what I see on the movie like its the wrong sound-track. Remember, judge people by their actions, not by what they say. You want him and wanting someone for you means hugging and holding and kissing and being into each other... Wanting to me does not mean keeping each other at bay. And not with lame excuses about what others might think of a single man.

 

Even if he was honest, you can wonder: is this the level of passion that you desire? Don't you desire being his pride? Should he not relish and bask in your attention and open expression of your affection? And don't you want to have the sunlight of his passion shine on you? That is what young love should look like. So, whether he is honest or not, might not matter, wouldn't matter to me in such case, because I don't want the love of (the rest of) my life to look and feel like that.

 

So, he better have been lying to you and you can get lying and you can kindly understand his motives. And hopefully find that those motives are something other than him being confused and wanting to have you hang around as an option. His last words seem to speak the truth: he was worried to lose you -- not as passionate lover, but as an option.

[BC1980]

He knows you will be there waiting for you, so he has no real impetus to make a decision. Unless he has a real fear that you would walk away and not come back, he will live in limbo, and he will drag you along with him because you allow it.

 

So, what you do is go NC, and you see if he pursues you. If he doesn't, he would never have committed to you. He isn't the one for you. That's what you can do if you want to be with him, which it seems obvious you do.

[JadedRomantic]

I'm in a similar boat and I have also read that article before. I agree with parts of the article but have my own theories of NC vs LC. But anyway, back to your issue.

 

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation to you. I agree with the others that there's a little bit of 'game playing' going on here, but what's done is done and it is what it is.

 

Since he has taken your threat or challenge to date other people quite seriously and I suggest you also take your own advice.

 

Dating is hard as it is and even harder when you're in an emotionally uncertain place, but it may be good for you to go out there, spend some time with a member of the opposite sex who isn't your boyfriend, feel desireable and just have some fun and re-discover who you are as an individual without him.

 

It helped me to do that, not just to take my mind off him and 'feel wanted' again (everyone likes a good ego stroke lol), but also to understand more how it feels dating others while you have someone you still feel strongly about (which of course he still has strong feelings for you, that's WHY he's stringing you along, but it's selfish and should NOT be encouraged).

 

It won't speed things up or make anything happen for sure with your ex, but an air of nonchalance instead of desperation (for lack of a better word) might make your ex a little more curious as to what's been on in your life and he'll remember he wants to be a part of it. I think that played a small role in my ex wanting me back a little more lol

[lula69]

[deleted this message, it was a reply in error]

Edited August 4, 2013 by lula69