Does this warrant another chance?

[ab5]

I posted my story in another part of this website, but I think this is the most appropriate forum for the advice I need -

 

Me and my ex fiance broke up last summer. Our relationship was very good, we loved each other very much, had the usual arguments/fights which were solvable for the most part except for one time where we had a major disagreement, couldn't come up with a solution, and he decided to break up with me. However we got back together and things were good again. The problem was we always started fighting when it came to wedding arrangements. His family wanted the wedding done a certain time, location, way that was asking too much from me b/c of my career. I was trying my best to accommodate but that wasn't enough for them. It seemed like his family couldn't understand my problems and my ex couldn't get them to understand.

 

Because of this and other issues we were both under lots of stress and took it out on each other. He actually took it out on my family sometimes, but I let it go because I knew he was stressed, upset, and sometimes had a problem controlling his anger. Our fighting led to the point where I was getting emotionally sick from the fighting and the stress I had with work and school. I felt like we were going in circles with our discussions and he couldn't understand my situation. The only solution seemed like to call off the relationship to save both of us from the craziness.

 

Immediately I regretted my decision and did my best to get back to him. When we did reconnect, he became a different person and treated me horribly, which scared me a lot. I never saw this side to him. I think he was taking advantage of the fact that I went back to him. The fighting started again and I freaked seeing the different person he had become. He wanted to get married immediately but I needed time after everything that happened, which he didn't want to give, so had to call it off again. I think we both needed time to cool down after that. I loved him with all my heart and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

Shortly after, I reached out to him (again) to reconnect. He was no longer angry, and after some discussion, we got back together. We both loved each other very much and promised we would try our best to work things out. Things were good until wedding talk came up again and the same cycle repeated, and the past problems were all brought up to the surface. Very harsh things were said to me and I was reminded by him, that I was the one that went back to him repeatedly, not the other way around. It was the most hurtful thing he could have said to me. It was a knife in my heart. Long story short, things ended, this time permanently. Our last conversation was very heated over the phone and at the time i didn't know that that would be our last conversation.

 

I took some time to reflect on everything that happened. It still seemed crazy to me to break up when we both loved each other so much. The things that were said to me, I knew in my heart was because he was angry and well people say things in the heat of the moment. Not giving up on us, I reached out again. This time there was no reply. I reached for a few more times, but nothing. He did finally say something to me along the lines with he basically didn't have time to talk to me now or in the near future. It was totally uncalled for. He then proceeded to block me. I became a complete wreck and was in shock for a very long time. All of this coming from the guy who loved me so much, always said he would never leave me, and stay with me no matter what happens. I was at the lowest I've been in my life and went into major depression.

 

Now that it's been almost a year since the breakup, I look back at the entire relationship and definitely see the mistakes we both made and wish I did a lot of things differently on my part. I know I lacked maturity (as did he) in the way I handled some situations and behaved at times, as it was my first relationship, and am now glad I gained some insight into my faults. Looking back I think my ex wanted me to be assertive with his family which to me at that time was strange b/c that was HIS family to deal with, but now I am beginning to think he was afraid to stand up to them. But if I spoke up more for us, I probably could have saved our relationship.

 

I accept whatever mistakes I made while we were together, and am glad I learned from them so I don't make the mistakes in the future. But I still know this guy is the one I want to marry. I love him dearly. I think about him every single day, he's the first thought when I wake up and last thought before I go to bed. I really want to reach out to him and ask him to forget about the past and give our relationship a fresh start. I know he's not with anyone at the moment because I see his profile on dating sites. I want to contact him but but am unsure if I should proceed to do so, just because of what he told me at the end and he never bothered to contact me again. Would contacting him be foolish now?

[CarrieT]

But I still know this guy is the one I want to marry.

How old are you two?

 

I read through your other threads and my recommendation would be to walk away completely...

 

You are still mired in the obsessive/compulsive stage and would guess that you guys haven't reached your 30s.

[ab5]

I'm scared that down the road, I'll regret not having contacted him.

 

We are actually older than the maturity level we both displayed. Sad I know, but I guess life is one big learning experience...

Edited May 4, 2013 by ab5

[swiftly333]

You guys did the make up break up thing a lot of times an It's never worked; that's probably why he cut off contact. To stop the cycle. You've always been the on running back to him. I that the kind of woman you want him to see you as? I think you still think about him every day after a year because you haven't allowed yourself to let go....

[ab5]

No I don't want him to think of me as desperate, if that's what you're saying. I'm just trying to fight for our love but it seems like I've lost. I think we had gotten caught up in the makeup/breakup cycle last year because we never talked about the issues that caused the breakup in the first place. I would want to discuss things but he didn't want any discussion and wanted to ignore whatever had happened. We always made the mistake of continuing the relationship from where we left off and ignoring the underlying issues. But like I said, he wanted no discussion and just wanted to always move forward. Looking back, I now know that was definitely not the solution and actually hurt us more.

 

I'm trying my best to let go. As each day goes by, it gets more and more real then he really isn't coming back.

 

Sometimes I'll be able to talk myself into letting go, will have so much anger towards him for not bothering to work things out and just let me go so easily. How come I can't let go but he can just walk away? Was I not worth anything to him? Why did he make all those empty promises then, get engaged to me?

 

Sometimes I'll have really low points and miss him to the point that it hurts too much. I feel that we acted silly and can't throw away our relationship because of our immaturity. I guess my problem is that I want him to see what I see, which is why I keep getting urges to contact him. I feel like so much time has passed now and that maybe he isn't reaching out to me because of how he treated me at the end and is scared of how I'll react. If either side doesn't reach out b/c they're afraid of looking desperate or ego problems, then how do people ever reconcile?

 

Sorry if my thoughts appear scattered...

[mbee]

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

These things are truly tough to understand and you probably wont understand. I think he got tired of the cycle like you said, and you can't blame him for that. It sounds like he has some anger issues and is probably even frustrated about thinking about it. Marriage is a big commitment and it's no wonder you hear people say how couples often break up when planning weddings.

 

Until he contacts you again you'll need to let him go. You can't keep chasing him. I've learned that's very unattractive to a guy anyway. You don't want a relationship where you spent a large majority of it trying to get this guy to give you another chance. Focus on yourself and let it go. If you guys are supposed to be together then he'll ease up and get in contact with you.

 

You've fought already. Now it's time to give yourself a break and just relax.