give him space or keep talking?

[swiftly333]

After a month after breaking up with my ex I showed up at his doorstep with an apology letter and told him I loved him and I made a mistake. He emailed me the next day asking questions and asking me to explain why I did it. I obliged and was completely real and honest. We've been back an forth for about a week now. Me mostly answering his questions. I answer them, truthfully, but I also keep telling him I want to put the past behind us, that we can't move on our forward if we stay stuck talking about the past. I get that it's important to him to understand this, but at what point should I just stop?

 

I've told him I want to just take it show, maybe reconnect and see how we feel, but he just keeps asking questions and taking about how his scared he is, acting like I want to just jump right back into our old relationship even though I've told him time and time again that's not what I'm saying. I want to take it show and have a fresh start.

 

I'm glad he's taking to me. He's really opened up and it seems like he's being really honest and open, finally. I gave him the opportunity to say he didn't want anything to do with me and he said we can remain in contact, but only through email right now. This leads me to believe he's considering trying again, but he has a lot of doubt and reluctance. I get that we've only been taking for a week and I need to give it time, but at what point do say, hey, I still love you but if you're going to keep taking about the past we won't be having a future in which case we should both move on? Should I just stop responding to anything that's about the past mistakes and shift the focus on the present and possible future? Our do I just keep showing him to have things on his terms and keep responding with honesty?

 

Thanks

[swiftly333]

Cherrypum,

 

I appreciate your honest opinion.

 

I am in my mid-twenties, he in his early 30s. I agree, talking in person would be the mature thing to do, and I've suggested it. He said hes not sure hes ready for that, that he wants me to answer all these questions first... but that's what I'm getting at. At some point we either have to take this to the next step and start talking for reals, or just move on. Email is going to get us nowhere. And I guess that's where I'm going with this question... Its not that Im expecting him to just forget everything. But how many times do I have to keep explaining myself and apologizing? I've explained myself, I've said I'm sorry, and he seems to want to scrutinize all these little details. I didn't cheat, or lie, or anything like that. I broke things off after a stupid argument because I was hurt and, basically, I was scared. It was stupid.

 

What I want was exactly you said. I told him I wanted to talk in person, put everything on the table and then see how we feel. He has yet to agree to that. I've just been going along with the email because I guess I just need to be patient and let things be on his terms, so he can warm up to the idea of talking to me.... but Im not sure its getting us anywhere...

[swiftly333]

He has finally sent me an email that I can't really respond to. No questions. Nothing about what happened. I suggested we see each other. His response was saying "baby steps"

 

 

so.... I am not sure what to do at this point. It's kinda open to interpretation. I dont really know what he means by baby steps. I think I will just send a short response saying that's fine, some other time, and see what happens. See if he initiates a little or what. I will be honest though, it makes me nervous leaving it like that, in fear he may never initiate, but I feel that's probably the best. I've probably pushed enough....

 

I really wished I didn't care so much. this is just exhausting.

[martys]

i think hes being extremely cautious, because he has been through a month, of probably grieving and getting over you, and you decide you want to try again, and he feels as though he needs to get your trust back.

 

if you love this guy, i would take it slow and give him some time, hes probably a little fragile or something. im sure he doesnt want to be broken up with twice by the same woman lol. im sure he has a lot of thinking to do.

[justletgo07]

Why did you originally break up with him?

[swiftly333]

Justletgo07,

The breakup is quite complicated...

 

 

It was a lot of things. We both went back to school, had a lot of changes and where both stressed and I felt like we were kind of neglecting each other. I tried to talk to him about for a few weeks it but he kept saying "were fine, what are you talking about?" and it was making me nervous. We were planning a vacation together and he cancelled. I got upset, and broke up with him.... it honestly was stupid. But I don’t think it was about that; It was about the fact that I had become distant because I was afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable to him, and he didn't communicate that with me. Also add into that factor I stopped taking my antidepressants and was extremely emotional and sensitive and was easily hurt by the things he had said in that argument. (He knew I was going through this emotional time and warned him I was off my meds so to please be east on me) It wasn't even about the vacation, it was the way he responded to my saying I was upset. He told me I was being selfish; I said I'm rightfully disappointed, but it was fine and I'd get over it, and he kept going on and on about how he always disappoints me, how he cant afford it and all this stuff that wasn’t even related. I think we were both just upset and overwhelmed and we both overacted. We both agreed when I spoke to him that the whole argument was ridiculous. The breakup was rash and sudden.... in the email he said he was totally caught of guard and bewildered by the whole thing.

 

Martys,

 

I totally see that, and I am trying to give him space; I'm just not sure about continuing to converse with him through email at this point. I also thing that he is equally at fault here. He said and did a lot of things that hurt me as well, so I honestly have the same conflict, so really, I do want to take it slow, I obviously have things of my own to figure out as I learn to deal with my emotions now that I'm not on antidepressants (which made me not myself for a while...)

 

I am trying to give him space; I take some time between emails so were not back and forth emailing everyday. Now that he has finally stopped asking me to explain myself, I felt like maybe he can start to heal and move forward, but then he also kinda make snide comments in his emails that I feel like he’s doing on purpose to try and irritate me. I’m not letting him know that they are. I almost wonder if he’s just testing me or playing games…

 

I guess we’ll just wait and see if he initiates any contact.

Edited April 13, 2013 by swiftly333
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[Treasa]

Maybe the breakup was a good thing for both of you and you should stay broken up.

[ThorntonMelon]

He's playing games. Maybe not his fault since it seems you precipitated the breakup. I'd suggest you say "I will be at X place at 8PM next Friday, and would like to discuss this face to face. I hope you join me. At some point relationships are supposed to be fun, not agony.

[swiftly333]

He's said he still had feelings for me, but is unsure about us resolving things....

 

 

Thornton,

I really like the way you passed that, but I think he made it clear he's not ready to see me.

 

I'm a little torn about how to move forward. On one hand I want to stick it out and see if he'll come around. On the other hand, I don't want him to be able to string me along. I have stopped living my life. I'm going out, doing my own thing. I'm not sitting at home.hoping he'll contact me. But is simmers in the back of my mind very often.

 

My last email after he declined my invite to see each other I just said no problem, I'm taking another friend to (said event). Have a great weekend.

 

I'm nervous he won't initiate more contact, but I think I need to to stop initiating.... I feel like my response was the correct way to respond, but I feel quite a bit of anxiety about it.

[singme2sleep]

I agree that you can't just pick up where you left off, it has to be a fresh start.

 

What is the original reason you broke up with him?

[swiftly333]

Chris,

 

I tried calling 2x & texting 2x over 1 month plus....why I choose a letter. I know him and reading & writing seems to get to him in a different way. I think I probably did move to fast. I wished I kept it a bit more light and casual..... but I can't do anything about that now. I want to try and change the way I interact with him from this point on. I hope it's not too late to do that... I do realize I have a lot to work through before we could even try to start a new relationship.

 

Singme2sleep,

 

I gave an explanation above.

[LumberJack]

I really wished I didn't care so much. this is just exhausting.

 

Don't we all...

 

I say give him time. Make it clear that you still love him, and that if/when he wants to talk you'll be there. Then go NC.

 

It's become a trust issue, and he can only rebuild it at his pace. You can't force it on him, and it could be that by insisting on communicating you'll end up stressing him out and pushing him away.

[Sososad]

It's up to you I think he's controlling the situation now

So you have no choice to play it at his pace.

Maybe he is been honest and is taking things very slow I'd just be cautious how

Much time of your life you could waste here.

You could say I'm going to give you some space I'm here if you need or would like to talk and give him a week or two see if he contacts you .

Just be careful .for your own sake !

[swiftly333]

I really appreciate all the things you guys are saying here. I have been feeling like I am putting myself in a risky place (emotionally) and its good to hear that my instincts are not too off course. I hadn't herd from him in a week since I asked him to meet and he replied "baby steps" without explaining what those were. I was planning on waiting for him to initiate contact and being ready to just move on if I have to as I may never hear from him again.

 

But then I talked to a friend and she put a different spin on the whole thing. She said me might be waiting around to see if I keep doing anything, fearing that it might be what you all refer to as "breadcrumbs" on this board -- Me just once and a while popping into his life to stir things up. She said texting or calling once in a while is "baby steps." I sent him a few friendly texts this morning; we had a short text conversation (something like what your blog suggested, Chris. thanks).

 

Lumberjack,

 

I don’t know where this is all going, but I am just trying to stay positive. I don’t think no contact is the way to go at this point, as I'm thinking if I stop talking to him he will just think WTF and probably be more angry that I came into his life and just disappeared again - this is pretty much why he said he would be reluctant to do anything at this point, because he doesn’t trust that I wont just hurt him again. I honestly think no-contact is good for nothing more then just moving on, but that's just my personal take on it. I do, however, realize that he is in a different place then me and that I do need to give him time and space, so I am trying to keep communication light and pressure free so he can start to warm up to me again.

 

cherrypum, I totally see what you are saying. He's not being mature and leads me to believe that I need to proceed with caution. At least we have moved on to texting, but you're right, it's not mature. I'm still willing to see where this goes, but at some point I realize I might just have to decide he is not mature enough to work through this and it would be a waste of my time.

 

I also just want to let everyone know that meanwhile, I am moving forward with doing things for myself and I am not putting my life on a stand-still waiting for him to come back, but I am still willing to see if this can or cannot move forward. I am, however, trying to be realistic about the situation and know that I may very well have to accept it's not going to happen....

[Sososad]

Well judging from your last post you seem to have your head screwed on ok..

Yes it's risky and it's painfully annoying going at his "slow" pace .

But If you believe it's worth something then I don't think walking away is the correct option.

If your life is still moving forward and your happy what harm can a odd text or mail here or there do..

Just stay realistic and you should be ok either way.

Wish you good luck!

[swiftly333]

Well, let's just throw a whole new factor into this mix.

 

Turns out this whole time he's been talking to/spending time with/openly flirting with another woman. Looks like this started only days after the break up and he's continued to email me and have a short/friendly text conversation with me all the while seeing this other woman.

 

so that changes everything.

 

Here I am, putting myself out there. Putting forth the effort. Naively believing him when he said that he does have feelings for me but that I broke his heart and that hes so hurt that he isnt able to put himself out there to be with any woman, let alone me, the one who broke his heart. That we can talk. We can take "baby steps" is this all just BS? Just some game? How long was he going to do this for? I guess I should just stop trying now?

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, let's just throw a whole new factor into this mix.

 

Turns out this whole time he's been talking to/spending time with/openly flirting with another woman. Looks like this started only days after the break up and he's continued to email me and have a short/friendly text conversation with me all the while seeing this other woman.

 

so that changes everything.

 

Here I am, putting myself out there. Putting forth the effort. Naively believing him when he said that he does have feelings for me but that I broke his heart and that hes so hurt that he isnt able to put himself out there to be with any woman, let alone me, the one who broke his heart. That we can talk. We can take "baby steps" is this all just BS? Just some game? How long was he going to do this for? I guess I should just stop trying now?

 

Yes, back off. You should have stayed NC longer, but now I would go back and work on moving forward.

[swiftly333]

Well heres the question I'm battling with now:

 

Do I just fall off the face of the earth

or

Do I confront him and let him know I'm not allowing him to strong me along and party games with my heart.

 

 

There are pros and cons to either....

[Simon Phoenix]

Well heres the question I'm battling with now:

 

Do I just fall off the face of the earth

or

Do I confront him and let him know I'm not allowing him to strong me along and party games with my heart.

 

 

There are pros and cons to either....

 

Back off. Don't give him the ego boost.

[swiftly333]

I know. I shouldn't let him think he's got me waiting around for him. I am just having the hardest time! I feel worse not better. I wished I never went back. :-(

[swiftly333]

After all that's happened, why do in still want this?

[swiftly333]

Its been a week of no contact. I'm struggling but bang strong. I still can't get rid of these feeling that I need to keep trying...