G.I.G.S. or just not meant to be?

[jkepler85]

Soooo here's the background. I'm 27 and my ex-gf is 22. We met three years ago. We broke up one month ago and I did the usual try to fix it etc for 2-3 weeks and she was understanding, she didn't cut me off, but she was just honest that she didn't feel "in love" with me and said she had let go, so then I dropped into LC/NC. She contacted me a week later, but it was for specific help that she needed about a problem she is dealing with in her life, so I'm not sure it really means anything. We've chatted a few times since then and she's asked me things about my life and I hers. So, it's a little confusing.

 

Some background, she has had a rough life. Child abuse, lost her father, very unsupportive family. As a teen she turned to the internet for support, going to chat rooms and such for emotional support. That seems to have stuck with her.

 

We've had this reoccurring problem where if things get rocky she starts talking to guys on this chat room she's frequented most of her life, which make it worse since she's pouring all of her emotional connection into this digital person and not me.

 

I think I'm a pretty great bf, but I haven't been a complete angel here either. I would notice when things would get a little weird/distant and I snooped on her. I know it was wrong, but I just had to know what was going on, since she wouldn't tell me when I asked. She wasn't good at "talking" about things, she would just shut down.

 

That is what precipitated our breakup really. She had been distant and not communicating with me when I tried, so I snooped. I confronted her about it and she said, " I've been unhappy. I don't feel a connection anymore. I want to feel like an individual. I'm lost in life and need to figure my **** out. etc" And of course laid out the, "You haven't done anything wrong, you're a great guy, I just don't feel "in love" anymore."

 

Of course you freak out when you hear that and try to figure out what you did wrong. Fix things etc. Things that don't help you.

 

Part of me knows she's a hot mess and I should just walk away, but I loved and cared about this girl. I know that feeling will pass with time too. I've done a lot of introspective reflection over the past month. And I for sure have some trust and control/expectation issues I should get a grip on. Maybe also working on being more present emotionally, because I'm a thinker and a fixer, and advice giver, when maybe I just need to be there. Also learning to not get too attached, to love with reasonable space.

 

I guess I want to know that we gave it 100% and it didn't work. If that was the case, I'd say fine. I just feel like we haven't done that yet.

 

During a breakup the dumpee tends be be pretty self centric. I know I was. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do? Me Me Me. When it was really about how she was feeling.

 

My plan right now was to talk with her and acknowledge how hard this was for her and her feelings, let her know that I think she's great person, but that this break up is probably the best thing for both of us right now, we each have some things to sort out. Our behaviors weren't reflecting the person on the inside for either of us. That I don't hold any ill will towards her for doing something I know was hard for her, sometimes the best things are the hardest things to do. That the memories are mostly happy ones that's enough. Then I was going to go NC and to move on, date, work on me, if she contacts me again someday we take it from there.

 

I don't know. Thoughts?