wife texting another man

[tomile]

Hello everyone, bit of a dilemma and would like others opinion.

I found out recently that my wife of 3 years has been having long text conversations with one of our mutual friends, you may not think this is too unusual, until you hear the content of these texts, she had told this man who by the way is a multimillionaire, don't know if this is relevant, all of my financial issues, but worse than that enhanced everything by some considerable amount, told blatant lies to him about me, saying that i pay nothing into the household, lied to him about me that i neglect my tenants , we have rental houses by the way, which is totally untrue, and many other lies. She has visited his house on 2 occasions that i know of but kept that from me. it seems she has carried out a sustained attempt to make me look bad for some reason.

ironically the mutual friend has contacted me to tell me what has been happening and if it does not stop he is going to get an injunction to stop her.

She has apologised to me but does not think what she has done is as bad as what i have done, i have started working away from home and i have 2 daughters from my first marriage, i increased my maintenance payment for my youngest daughter by £25 per month because my daughter was not staying as much as i was away.

She also blames me for my daughters not liking her and i should have sat them down and told them from the start.

She in not the easiest person to get on with, she was brought up by slightly older parents and i dont think was ever a child or a teenager, and has a downer on everything the girls do, never offering advice just when they say they are going to do something its always a negative comment.

but any way I'm getting away from the texting issue, i know or i think i know that nothing went on, but why do i feel like I've been cheated on? any comments positive or negative appreciated

[Apolodor]

She does not respect you..... sorry to hear that you're married to such a person.

[lovelifexx]

She sounds like a terrible person. She needs therapy.

[tomile]

Thankyou both for your replies, don't know if you are male or female but would like opinions from both male and female to ensure that I am doing the right thing by walking away.

[seriously-let-down]

My STBXW spread malicious rumours around, to justify her actions. As we all should know now, a woman is never wrong. My STBXW was texting and FB blokes, but according to her nothing was going on. It was her way of finding my replacement.

 

The only thing that will happen to us, is that we'll become stronger. Its their loss not ours.......

[tomile]

Your probably right, it's hard to walk away, I do think she needs help, something is not quite right in the head, so I think I will persuade her to get therapy and see where it goes from there

[Clep]

Sounds to me like an emotional affair with a bit of victimization on the side for some financial reward. I would be letting her know this is not okay and would suggest separation or marriage counselling along with her ending the friendship. I would let her decide what is best for her and see where it goes.. My husband and I both had emotional affairs in the past. We have very clear boundaries now that are not crossed to ensure we are committed to the relationship. What your wife is doing would be a deal breaker for us. I don't think that walking away should be he first course of action, but she needs to know this is not acceptable. People have a way of justifying what they are doing in their own minds. The blame game is a way of diverting the attention from her to you which is not a characteristic that brings about a lasting relationship. What does she say she is sorry for if she thinks she has done nothing wrong?

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to play Devil's advocate, tomile, but what do you think she was getting from HIS attention, that she wasn't getting from you?

 

Se the major reason women tend to start wandering, is because something in the nest isn't working.

 

Now, I see she didn't feel she was a priority over your girls... that means she felt side-lined.

her solution may have been wrong - but she may have felt threatened and intimidated by them, as her self-esteem was low....

 

(I'm just guessing and pulling ideas out of a hat here....)

 

Have you considered actually going to MC with her and sorting whatever underlying issues exist?

You sound like a busy businessman.

Any chance she saw you more invested in your work than in her?

Any chance she might have thought you were 'all work and no play' for very little return?

 

How much younger than you, is she?

[tomile]

Thank you for your opinion, with regards me being busy it was initially her that was the busy one, she has her own business and in my opinion taken on more than she can deal with, she has got a business that is labour intensive but I could not help her with because what she does is very specialist so she could be still working at midnight surrounded by materials so I could not get anywhere near her if I tried.

I don't know what she could get out of this other guy that I couldn't give her, he is a known player with a string of very young girlfriends left disgruntled, and to him this was a game, I have now found out that she had a series of fake twitter accounts with the purpose of spying on his ex girlfriends and reporting back to him all of their tweets etc. I have suggested counceing and left it in her court.

At the moment I am not living at home and don't yet know if I will ever be able to trust her again, in a way I think I could handle it better if they had slept together rather than what has actually happened.

[tomile]

She is 8 years younger than me, and I was definitely not the all work and no play one in the relationship, the very opposite in fact

[TaraMaiden]

8 years younger than you - never 'had a childhood', huh....?

 

I think she needs some serious therapy.

 

You are not in line, nor under any obligation to 'fix' her - but I think she seriously needs some kind of psychiatric evaluation.

 

Seriously, she may honestly have mental issues.

 

And I used the word serious/ly a lot here.

I'm not limited, vocabulary-wise.

 

I'm absolutely dead serious.

[tomile]

Thankyou both for confirming what I thought, it's a bit ironic in what you are saying, her mother has been married twice, first when she was young to a man over 20 years older and now to her father who is 13 years older, maybe she is trying to do the same, my wife has been married before for 8 months to a man 10 years older, I see a pattern here

I will get her the help she needs and see where we go from there because at the end of the day she is my wife and despite all of this I do love her

[tomile]

It gets better, found out now that after I had it out with her about texting and lying, resulting in her saying she knows what she has done is wrong, and when I had walked out, she has been desperately trying to get her friendship back by continuously texting this guy, even sending snapshots of my text conversation with her calling this guy a used and a player. I have now shown her the message that this guy has sent me about wanting nothing to do with her and now it's " please tell me there is hope for us" just feels like to me that she has been completely rejected by him she wants second best, well I will not be anyone's second best.

Don't know where my head is at, at the moment

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I don't think I'm experienced enough to chip in regarding your relationship with her, but I did want to ask you how old were your daughters and to do your best to not let this (whatever happens regarding her/your relationship with her) adversely influence your relationship with your kids.

 

Best of wishes to all of you!

[tomile]

Hi, my daughters are 15 and 20, your wise words hit a chord, they are going to be put first from now on

[steelpantherrocks]

I was in a relationship with a girl that was 11 yrs younger, towards the end of our relationship she began a texting relationship with a freind of mine, low and behold after we broke up she ended up in his bed days later. once those emotional relationships begin, things never look good. my previous relationship of 6 yrs ended in the same way. ive wasted 11 yrs of my life with htese women who seek attention from other men, thru chatrooms or text. ya ya, maybe if i gave them more attention, this is not the case, both these women were in there mid 20s, so its def a pattern with that age group, your senario is a bit different but i think and i stick to this, if emotional relationships are happening its only a matter of time before physical starts.. my two cents

[Flier]

She is lying about you in an insulting way to some other guy. She does not treat the children well. Life is to short to put up with that...is how I would feel. You are being abused and she is dishonest. I would feel cheated on too...it is not physical cheating, no, but in a way it is just as bad or worse, because she is flirting AND disrespecting you.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Flier

[tomile]

Thank you everyone for your input, just a quick update, the marriage is over, she knows what she has done now and she will have to live with that, the guy she was texting has completely blanked her and has contacted me hoping that we can get friendship back on track, I have told him just to get out of my life and have broken all contact.

It feels such a relief to get them all out of my life and feel like a weight has been lifted.

I have suggested that my ex sees a counsellor but she does not want to, so it's up to her now. I am happily getting on with my life with my loving family around me.