would you give your commitment phobic ex a 2nd chance after therapy?

[meeji]

This question has been haunting me. I was in an LDR that broke bc commitment phobia meant no chances what-so-ever of closing the gap. He couldn't break it off so I did but technically, I consider myself the dumpee. I have very strong feelings about him coming back into the picture. Our relationship was great up until the storm.

 

He admits that I did everything in my power to maintain the relationship and that I have been good to him.

 

He said that he couldn't understand why I kept saying this was the end.

 

He said he "just knew," that we would see each other again after this last visit. (I am in the US and he is in Ireland)

 

Every time I made mention of this being "it," he just kept denying that it was true.

 

I think that he was actually fighting to accept that were were really broken up.I honestly think that he was so confident and secure in our relationship that he really thinks that I'm so into him that there is no way that I wouldn't be waiting for him when he came back to continue. He initiated therapy on his own immediately after the split. I am glad he is getting help and I do believe he wants to change. I feel as though he's saying that with confronting his personal issues he cannot deal with a relationship now. Probably true, but why doesn't he think that the world will continue to move in his absence?

 

Anyway, I want to know how many of you would reconsider reconciliation after some time has passed.

 

I have been no contact for 8 days so far and I have been trying to think about my position. I can't honestly say that I'm not hoping for him to come back bc I am. I have to make a decision soon about whether or not I am 100 percent ready to let go.

 

I have started 2 lists that include the pros and cons of getting back together. I will continually update them over the course of the next couple of days and I will revisit this topic, hopefully with a rational mind.

[GG3]

How long has he been in therapy? Has he said what they are talking about?

 

My guess is he has cognitive distortions.

 

He thinks the world is stops and you'll always be there because he is a bit full of himself and maybe that's what other women have done?

 

My guess is that these types probably get good women that try hard at working the relationship out and they are used to being able to come back.

[meeji]

How long has he been in therapy? Has he said what they are talking about?

 

My guess is he has cognitive distortions.

 

He thinks the world is stops and you'll always be there because he is a bit full of himself and maybe that's what other women have done?

 

My guess is that these types probably get good women that try hard at working the relationship out and they are used to being able to come back.

 

He just started ..like last monday was his first session. I know he has only been with 2 other women besides me. One was a 2 year live-in situation and the other was a 6 month deal. During the 2 yr relationship, at some point they took a break and then got back together but I don't know the details. When he was here i told him that if the relationship was important to him that he should try to work through it. He said he had hurt me enough and he didn't want to be responsible for hurting me again if something went wrong. He said he couldn't ask me to wait because it isn't fair, which I agree with

 

BUT

 

the same applied to me. I have to figure out if this relationship really was a great as I thought it was and if its worth fighting for. If he wasn't doing anything at all, then maybe I wouldn't reconsider but he is trying at least.

[GG3]

I would definitely have limits on myself of what I am willing to accept.

 

He would have to go to counseling for a while before I would be willing to reconcile.

 

And I probably would stay in very little contact so that he may be more aware that I am not sitting around and waiting for him.

[meeji]

We are no contact at the moment. I don't think that I would give him the impression that I would be waiting for him to make a turn around.

 

I don't intend on being in contact with him at all until he comes back saying that he wants to work things out the right way.... but its important for me to decide now whether or not i'm going to even hear him out if/when that times comes.

 

If my list of cons is longer than my list of pros by the time i'm doing tallying it up, then I don't think I would even respond to anything from that point forward. Once I decide its not worth going back to I will completely work towards wiping any traces that he ever existed.

 

I can go out on dates and move forward with my life but keep the idea that if he comes back and he is better and i'm single... AND he puts forth an honest effort, I can go for that.

 

I guess I just wanted some second opinions.

[GG3]

I'm in the same spot as you. Mine would not stop contacting me and I finally blocked him. I told him if he ever went into counseling and wanted to work things out to be in touch.

[meeji]

I'm in the same spot as you. Mine would not stop contacting me and I finally blocked him. I told him if he ever went into counseling and wanted to work things out to be in touch.

how long were you guys together?

 

Mine told me about his anxieties and I did some research and found it, sent some info to him and he agreed that he fit the script. I broke it off after he went in circles and he when we communicated about 10 days later he said he scheduled an appointment.

 

Do you think that therapy is enough for you guys to work it out? I mean, it could take a long time for all of that to get sorted out. I used to feel like it was something we could work through together but I wonder if support from an SO is something that makes it worse.

[tathagata]

hello to all ... well i read your thred and basically wat i understud is that you both have quiet a fair chance of reconcilation if correct and appropriate steps are taken but i would suggest you not to rush into things at all...these are complex situations and the best way to deal with the situation and future improval is a certain technique which i have tried and got success with. In these kind of situations you need to put yourself in the place of your partner and try to think wat would your actions be logically in the situation....easier said than done you will have to give a genuine try from your angle and try to think wat wud u have done and wats the right thng to do....if you see that wat u would have done and wat he is doing are somewat in the same wavelength then i am saying that you guys have a lot of hope to look forward to ...the main reason why most people falter in the reconcillation process is that they dont have the time and patience in them to understand the original problem whch led to the siuation..they tend to get carried away...dont get carried away and be patient the only medicine for a successful reconcilation in time and desire.....

[GG3]

how long were you guys together?

 

Mine told me about his anxieties and I did some research and found it, sent some info to him and he agreed that he fit the script. I broke it off after he went in circles and he when we communicated about 10 days later he said he scheduled an appointment.

 

Do you think that therapy is enough for you guys to work it out? I mean, it could take a long time for all of that to get sorted out. I used to feel like it was something we could work through together but I wonder if support from an SO is something that makes it worse.

 

We were together about six months. We knew each other from work and had been talking for a while.

 

I have seen this sort of thing before and felt like it was a lost cause and got scared and ran. I do kick myself now because I think urging and dragging into counseling might have given us more of a chance. I have had two girlfriends work really hard on their lost cause relationship with counseling and are now married and seem happy. Mine is 42 and has had so many failed relationships, I get the impression he is more open to trying to go and is starting to realize maybe the problem is HIM instead of everyone else.

 

Mine is really perfectionistic and part of the reason I cowarded out on pushing for more communication...I just couldn't listen to any more criticisms. Some of the things he talked about were one ex-girlfriend's butt was "too mushy" and should have had more muscle. It made me scared to think of what was going through his mind about me. I asked a handful of times for what his "doubts" were but was afraid to REALLY know.

[meeji]

Luckily, mine never lashed out at me. I think in these situations, once u make the suggestion and they dont want to take it thats all you can do besides wait.

 

Thankfully he went went to a counselor before i even had time to suggest anything. People who dont want help cannot be helped. Relationships like these are tough especially when one person is tryng to hold it all together.

 

I hope your guy comes around and decides to deal with himself.

 

Its been 10 days of no contact for me. The last email he sent 8 days ago i didnt respond to. I wonder what he is thing...

 

Knowing him, he probably thinks that. Just need a few days to "cool off." I have to stick to no contact because he needs to know that I dont need him. Wanting him in my life and needing him are not the same and people wiith this problem dont realize the love and kindness they get from their loved ones is a gift and a privelage, not to be taken for granted.