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Drinks with the ex


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Hi everyone,

So my ex.... we broke up last summer. Not for any bad reasons but there was some badness after the breakup. I tried to get her back and it didn't go so well.

 

I don't know why but I sent her a text late last week just to say hello and see if or how she'd reply. She actually responded and quite nicely and we exchanged a few texts.

So I came right out and asked her, could she meet me for a drink. She said she would. I tried to set something up for this week but we haven't got a specific plan, we both had stuff on.

She's sort of friendly but also sort of cold if I push it too far but that is her anyway. She doesn't get overly flirty ever or anything. But the fact that she's responding at all or agreeing to meetup is at least positive I think. If she was not at all happy with me I know she wouldn't agree to it (god knows I tried when we first broke up.)

 

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for advice.

Traditional logic says I painstakingly try to win her back taking it slow, buying her dinners, etc until she falls all over again.

But I don't think that will work really.

 

When we first broke up I think the main reason was she felt I wasn't being "the man" of the relationship enough. To a point I didn't push things forward very fast because she herself took things very slow. I misread the situation the first time around because I felt I should take things slow or she'd freak out. In hindsight I think she was waiting for me to be the one to push things while I was happy to give her more time.

 

So I feel what I need to do is show her I can be that guy. And appear attractive to her again. So that logic tells me I need to move faster.

If I try to impress her over dinners and dates and whatever I feel she'll think I am what she originally broke up with me for... not taking enough control.

 

So my thinking is that I need to move fast. Take her out, man up, be attractive, take control of the evening and come across more "in control" rather than a guy who's gonna sit back and wait for her.

We're gonna grab a drink in the next week or so. I think it's somewhat of a test for me.

I think I need to kiss her. Like, probably wait until we have spent some time together, and tell her I want to see her again, this isn't a 1 time deal and kiss her....

 

If I don't I think she'll take that as her answer... I didn't take control and push it forward.

If I do... well... it can go both ways... maybe she's just not into me and it won't work... but it MIGHT work.

 

Taking it too slow and respectfully I feel is lose-lose with this girl.

 

What do people think given what I've described.

I know it's a longshot, I'm not holding out a lot of hope for getting her back... but I want to try.

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I think you're going into this with the wrong mindset. She agreed to see you, in her eyes this could be nothing more than a simple meet up to catch up. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. You're already taking this too far by going into this with the hope of attempting to get her back. The fact that you were the one to message her after all of this time doesn't say much for your cause either. Your best bet is to meet with her, figure out what her intentions are (if she even has any) and go from there.

 

The time for fixing whatever was wrong in your relationship has passed. It's been over no matter what you think you can "fix." I know that sucks to hear because I've had to slam myself with that information on numerous occasions before accepting that my ex and I will never have a relationship again like the one we had.

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Hmmm... that's a rather depressing view of it.

 

Sure, chances I win her back? Slim.

Chances I win her back if I never try? Zero.

 

I've been pretty up front about it. I don't think she's under any illusions I asked her for a drink out of the goodness of my heart so we'll be BFF's.

She knows why I text, she knows why I asked and she's agreed to meet up.

If I try to play the "nice guy, let me buy you dinner and not make a move" I'm pretty sure I'm friendzoned again.

 

It may not work... but if I don't try I figure there's zero chance anyway so nothing ventured nothing gained.

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Fair enough, my friend. Well, I wish you luck then! I'm not one of those people on here who constantly demean any kind of attempt so I hope you come back and let us know how it goes :)

 

I just hope you're able to handle rejection if it comes down to that! It's all about being in the right mindset and you don't want to find yourself back at square one.

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fungusamungus
Hmmm... that's a rather depressing view of it.

 

Sure, chances I win her back? Slim.

Chances I win her back if I never try? Zero.

 

I've been pretty up front about it. I don't think she's under any illusions I asked her for a drink out of the goodness of my heart so we'll be BFF's.

She knows why I text, she knows why I asked and she's agreed to meet up.

If I try to play the "nice guy, let me buy you dinner and not make a move" I'm pretty sure I'm friendzoned again.

 

It may not work... but if I don't try I figure there's zero chance anyway so nothing ventured nothing gained.

You are in for a rude awakening and I think this is because you don't have a good read on this situation or this girl.

 

If you honestly think that she broke up with you because you "took things too slow"... well... I don't really know what to tell you. Women who want to move slow will move things slow. Women who want to move things quickly will move things quickly. If a girl wants to speed things up, THEY will speed things up themselves, or at least try to. If they like you enough, they will TRY to move things faster with you if that is what they want. You said that she was someone who took things slow, so your logic is to speed things up? She's someone who "turns cold if you push her too far", so you're logic is to push her even farther? How long did you date this person for?

 

Yes. Traditional logic says you take it slow, but I don't think you have any idea HOW to take it slow. If you have try "painstakingly hard" or "buy her dinners", etc. that's NOT taking it slow. And you're right, buying her dinner isn't going to work. You're probably not going to be friendzoned, you'll more likely just never hear from her again.

 

None of what you say makes sense... if she "knows why you text" and "isn't under any illusions that you inviting her is out of hte goodness of your heart", etc. that means that she thinks you move quickly. Why? Because asking an ex out on a date almost half a year after you dated is moving VERY quickly. If you believe that she thinks this is anything more than a friendly meetup (or sees it as anything more than a friendly meet up), then she never thought you were too slow for her. You can't have both.

Edited by fungusamungus
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^ Don't listen to this angry/condescending fool. There's 6 billion+ people on this planet and here is generalizing. @fungus Why do people like you even exist on this site? It's sad because there's far too many of you. This is a support site and there's definitely a way to make your point without coming off like a total douche. Hop off your high horse.

 

Like I said, TC, make sure you're in the right state of mind to handle both outcomes, especially the worst. You're mental state is what matters most here. Do your thing and don't let people like fungus bring ya down.

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fungusamungus

I'm not bringing him down. I'm telling him to read the situation and to take things slow.

 

I'm not demeaning any attempts at getting someone back. Breakups can be fixed. Especially if it didn't end badly. But you have to know why you broke up in the first place, and tempered actions demonstrate tempered expectations.

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Look, maybe I came to the wrong place.

Maybe I have it al wrong but I don't know that until I try.

 

After we broke up she said what was wrong.

There were areas of the relationship where she expected the guy to take control of and push forward... we did plenty of drinks and dinners and outtings and that was all nice but she wanted a guy who'd take control of the relationship, not necessarily chase her around offering dinners which aren't pushing forward things emotionally.

 

The fact is... she WAITED for me to push it forward and I did not as I felt she would have if that's what she wanted, but she didn't, and I didn't and she eventually felt it wasn't moving forward enough to continue.

That is her peronality, she is not overly forward. First time round I was learning that and felt she'd make the moves but she didn't and was waiting for me to do it...

i.e. she felt I was the man and I needed to take control of things.

 

I feel asking for dinner dates for weeks/months and not making a move quickly enough puts me right back in the same position and I'll blow it.

 

As nice as dinners and drinks are I don't think anymore that it builds any sort of emotional connection. I feel I need to grab the bull by the horns and just kiss her at the very least and show her I'm not going to be shy, I'm going to go after what I want, and be the guy to do that for her.

 

 

Look, I know the chances are NOT in my favour. I'm prepared for that... but I'm trying to give myself the best possible chance to spark that attraction again and I think the thing that was missing last time was actions and not nice dinner dates... she appreciates those things but obviously doesn't spark massive attraction if a guy is acting more like a friend who buys her stuff than a guy who'll take care of her.

 

I don't particuarly agree that if a girl wants to push things forward then she will. In the first relationship, I wait and waited and tried to be respectful before trying to sleep with her and when we eventually did she ended up asking why I was so standoffish... if I had just taken her home earlier instead of being all coy about it, I think she'd have found it more desirable as I'd have taken control of the situation and not waited for her hints.

 

She's not someone who is very forthcoming with her emotions off the bat so if I wait around for her to profess her love to me or something again, I'm sure I will be left waiting.

 

 

I KNOW... chances this works are very slim.

I'm prepared for it failing so I don't need to go over that.

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brokenheartglue

At the end of the day the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

If you feel that their is the slightest chance of you rekindling things with this girl then you have to try. If you do though, be prepared for her just wanting friendship, sometimes thats all they are looking for as it helps them get over any guilt they may have towards you.

 

I had a similar break up to you with my ex which left me devastated. I done everything I could to salvage what we had but she turned her back and within weeks was seeing another guy, she was very full of sorrow and racked with guilt from what I could read into her messages.

 

In the last few weeks she has made moves to reconnect with me but I don't know why. At first my heart was full of joy at the prospect of talking to her but then i thought about her motives. My gut feeling is that she wants to clear the air and become 'friends' again. This may in her mind give her validation for how badly she treated me (Couldn't have been that bad if he wants to be friends again) and could even be the green light she needs to move on further with the new guy. Or it could just be that I'm being extremely cynical and looking for a reason to protect myself from being hurt again. Either way i am likely to lose out on knowing if their is that chance we can reconnect.

 

Your situation sounds easier than mine as at least no one else is involved. I wish you luck my friend whichever path you choose and hope you can both find a way back to each other.

 

BHG

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I think you should relax. Stay confident. Be emotionally prepared and don't panic. Be yourself. Don't bring up the past on this meeting and stick to positive things in your life.

Dress to impress! (while still being yourself.) Smell good!

Try to greet with a hug.

Ask what is happening in her life. Tell her about your new experiences and changes you have made. Don't boast too much though. Overall, listen more about her and her life. Try to focus more attention on her.

Try not to dwell on the past or talk about the break up. I feel like she wouldn't really bring it up either...but if she does stay positive, if it persists, be sure to listen to everything she has to say.

Has you ex moved on? Is she with someone? If she has...again, remain positive...maybe it's a test to see your reaction. If it's real, try to be happy for them and don't let your disappointment show. Emotional control! Dont criticize to make yourself feel better...

I suggest keeping this meeting to about an hour at most...

If you guys it it off the time will fly by...if it is going badly...try to end it on a good note.

Have a goodbye hug. If things went well than you might be up for another meeting/date!!

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Thanks,

No she is not with anyone.

I know she has dated people and I have too. Noting stuck for me, I'm enjoying meeting people but haven't found anyone else I really want to make anything with.

 

I know she has met people too but I know she's not in a relationship with anyone right now. It's worth a shot.

Maybe not everyone will agree but I'm continuing to go out and meet other people. If I stop and put faith in this I'll end up too needy and get let down.

 

I know there's other girls out there, and I'm happy to go meet and find them and hopefully I find someone as good if not better.

But if there's any chance I could make it work with this girl, I want to try. I don't know why... we all just have that one person right?

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blue_jay_bird

more "in control" sounds like she's trying to say someone that is more confident. But trying to say it nicely. Well that's how i look at it.

 

The whole looking like you don't care and your confident, is going to be hard when you look desperately trying to win her back. I really don't know how your going to do it.

 

But to tell you the truth, i think the big problem is she's not clearly communicating with you what she doesn't like about you. Be more "in control" sounds vague. Kind of like she's not sure what it is. How long did u guys date?

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