Doicare Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Hi there, I started in the break ups section and got blasted pretty quickly:) Try to make my story as short as possible, any advice is appreciated. Ive been dating my gf for almost 3 years, I live in N America, she lives in Europe. Ive been in Europe for 3 weeks for the holidays visiting her. She dumped me one week ago, as I kind of snapped at her the night before. She told me she can be friends and im one of her two best friends, but not my gf anymore because she can no longer put up with my moods. Basically I was driving, it was late, we were both tired, we had been driving for 2 hours, she was in a pissy mood, saying negative things, and I ended up saying "who f****in cares". She got very quiet and the next day dumped me. I apologized, tried giving her hugs over the next few days, but she said she wanted her space. Since then, while we sleep in the same bed there is little to no contact. Ive been totally fine with it, and have been very nice to her the past week, taking care of her while she's sick, being in a really positive mood, joking around, while respecting her space and not taking anything personally. On a couple occaisions, when she gets pissy, I do still stand my ground without being a moody jerk (as I once would have). Im a good catch, I have a good career, I consider myself very social, easy to get along with and attractive. Her friends and colleagues all adore me too. In other words i feel good about myself (even in this break up). I havent cried or begged for her back even once since she dumped me. Anyhow, in this past week Ive been thinking that Ive been really moody the past 3 years, and I guess Im pretty sensitive to everything she does. I interpret it as her being mean or bitchy, and I either get pissed at her or get at times whiney. In the past years, Ive had some moments where I get totally pissed at her, I do raise my voice, not screaming, but loud, I never insult her, Ive never hit her and would never think of it. I do feel like when im in these moods I need to drive the point home until I win our disagreement, and afterwards, I tend to reflect back and realize ive over reacted. ive probably had about 6 episodes (excluding the ton of little fights we have) like this over the past 3 years. She told me just a few days ago that I scare her, and she will not accept this from me, my moodiness and outbursts and that I need to get therapy and fix this bc i cant on my own. She said Im one of her best friends, and having had a mature conversation about this, she basically won't tell me that she wants to break up 100%, and even when I ask her if it's time I move on with my life and move on without her she gets annoyed and says it's not her choice. I mean if she didnt want me anymore, out of fairness she should at least say so right? Which leads me to suspect she just wants me to change. Anyhow, Ive been super reflective the past week (im still here for another few days), and Ive been trying to be positive, fun and not so moody. I feel so much better for it too. Im sincerely in a good mood. She hasnt hugged me, but she's been laughing a lot, she's been saying how much fun she's having and she's been super thankful for all the help Ive been giving her with all sorts of things in her life. Now she's been talking about moving to my city, seriously. No mention of it being for me though. She's been a lot more playful too, she's playfully spanked my butt(clothed ofc), called me "baby" numerous times (by mistake i suspect), she touches me from time to time now, held my hand briefly in a conversation and tries to get close to me in bed at night usually having an arm or leg touching me(though I dont reciprocate as she told me she wants space almost a week ago). In the time ive been writing this too, she jumped on the bed twice where I am, and she's cozied pretty close asking what im doing (I should be working:). She then slapped her own butt right next to me she walked away getting ready for her day. Also, she hasnt told her parents or anyone (i suspect) that we broke up. Anyhow, I feel like we've turned a corner, she feels closer to me and we're on the road to recovery. I guess my question is, how should I proceed? Is NC really applicable when I think Ive been a bit of a moody jerk. In my head I feel like I need to proove that I can change (i will also see a therapist when im home), and by having a good time with her, Im building a case that we have something special. I feel this is my fault, and unless I can show her that I can be the guy she was just talking to me about having kids with the day prior to our break up, she will still think Im that same jerk. Im taking responsibility here, and I feel I need to make this right. NC I feel is self preservation and to show your ex you arent needy, desperate and you dont need them for happiness. Ive never been overly needy with my ex, and Ive always been fairly confident, so would you agree that it's not really the correct solution in this case?? Any advice and insight is super appreciated. Thanks! Edited January 3, 2013 by Doicare type o Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 You think you won't get blasted here as well? Just because you change sub-forum, doesn't mean the advice will change.... Do what you feel is best. When that becomes an epic fail, come back and tell us about it. We'll still be here.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doicare Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 well she just came back a little while ago, jumped beside me, put her head on my chest and started to cry. she's super affectionate today. guess we'll see how that goes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doicare Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 well things have progressed, and she's super sad im leaving in a couple days. we're getting along super well, she's laughing tons, and playfully touching me more more. I feel l could have kissed her last night, but i didnt want to push my luck. I did put my arm around her last night and she was good with it, so much so that she moved from her side to her stomach and told me i should keep my arm around her. hoping to see more progress tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doicare Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Well it's past midnight. I we had a decent day today.... Think we were both tired at the end. I'm doing super nice things for her so I can get out of the doghouse. I'm taking her out to nice meals and paying ofc, and I'm doing the driving, and paying for her gas, assuming furniture etc etc.... She touched me a few times today, and we are going to the spa together tomorrow. The she even suggested we share a room for when we get massages... Ofc I'm paying for this too .She even wants me to give her an extra massage tomorrow afterwards. That's pretty intimate in my head. anyhow I put my arm around her tonight and she was rather unresponsive. It wasn't like she wanted me to take my arm away,it was just there was no spark..... Anyhow I can't sleep and I slipped away to speak my thoughts. I've been spending all this money (not a big deal for me but it's a lot for her) and energy and she's been super thankful. My feeling is that she would say no if she didn't want to be with me right?? If not, that would be a super cold bitchy thing to just take advantage of my generosity and use me. I mean today she was still talking of moving to my city this summer. She was even talking abt getting wine and having a little party just us two at home b4 we decided to got out for dinner. Maybe bc she is still sick(she's been sick for a few days) or tired, but but I guess I was just expecting a warmer response tonight in light of the fact that's its my second night before I leave for home. I'm ready to move on, and am excited to be meet the right one if it isn't her. I just don't want to give up if she still has a place for me. Guess tomorrow will be the ultimate tell all.. Thanks for reading and ur thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doicare Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 quick update. Ive been home a couple weeks, we're in regular contact. There was some cuddling the night before i left, rather uneventful... :S anyhow i left like i was leaving forever, and that seemed to spark something. It wasnt my intention to do that, i was just kind of tired of limbo. Ive been taking it easy and feel ok. anyhow she's coming to visit me next week. i suspect she wants to rekindle or something. i dont know, personally im not a big fan of drama. that said she deserves to be treated better, and i shouldnt be as moody. guess ill see how that goes. anyhow life is so short, love yourself first and if that special someone doesnt love you, find someone who does. im really on the verge of walking away myself. but ill give it an earnest effort and see if i can salvage this. i do love her, and it feels right a lot of the time. ill work on my half and know either way ive done my best. wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Have you scheduled your appointment with a therapist yet? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 The important stuff is in bold: ... I do feel like when im in these moods I need to drive the point home until I win our disagreement, and afterwards, I tend to reflect back and realize ive over reacted. ive probably had about 6 episodes (excluding the ton of little fights we have) like this over the past 3 years. She told me just a few days ago that I scare her, and she will not accept this from me, my moodiness and outbursts and that I need to get therapy and fix this bc i cant on my own. ... Which leads me to suspect she just wants me to change. ... In my head I feel like I need to proove that I can change (i will also see a therapist when im home), and by having a good time with her, Im building a case that we have something special. Having a good time is not enough to make a case for a relationship. How you handle the bad times is extremely important, and she has told you that you scare her! Quit analyzing and itemizing every little good thing, and be working with a therapist on how to better handle your moods and disagreements. 6 times in 3 years would be too much for me to stay with someone who insists on winning the argument, let alone someone who scares me while continuing to press an issue to the detriment of the relationship. Also, I think it's a bad sign that you are paying so much attention to how much you are paying on all these things you are doing with her. If it's your invitation, you should expect to pay, and expect nothing more than a pleasant outing. If you are trying to buy your way back into her good graces, you're likely going to be bitter if/when it doesn't work out. If you're forking out money for all this fun stuff but not for therapy, you're going nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Doicare Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 been away for a long time. my gf came to visit me, and we're back together. she really did a turnaround. as for my trying to win arguments, Ive really toned down and appreciate how she's feeling vs focusing on being right. it helps to think that no one likes to be told their wrong. ive really been making strides to improving my frustrations. thing is i built up all these expectations for my gf, my friends and all aspects of my life. when i dont get them i get upset. because m constantly setting up these expectations, i am constantly frustrated and defensive. anyways, ive learned to readjust my expectations, and im in a way better mood. anyhoo, we still live apart, and now i just dont see how were going to overcome this distance.... have a new post about my ld. thanks for all the advice guys - no i just need advice on how to get a little more commitment out of my relationship:) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I'm not convinced this has the adequate lasting essentials it needs to survive. Frankly, I honestly think you're on to a hiding for nothing.... Link to post Share on other sites
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