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The Lost Guide to the No Contact Policy


lost_in_chgo

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People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good even if that isn't what you wants) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away.

 

If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and they want you to move on. It's hard to tell, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Just keep in mind that your friends may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back. Sometimes they know better than you do, sometimes they just think they do, sometimes they are genuinely trying to help and sometimes they are just afraid to tell you what they really think. (If you are a friend doing this to someone, stop it. You are doing them a horrible disservice.)

 

(We're assuming here that you were dumped by your ex.)

 

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away.

 

The no contact time...

1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to)

2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to)

3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head

4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back

 

If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back, but they may decide that they can't because they were with someone else and wouldn't be welcome.

 

If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you takes your ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide.

 

If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor.

 

Your ex may be aware of this or not. Your ex may even be trying to do what is best for you while they work through their own issues. That is a sign of a good person. A good person won't tell you that they just needs to go out and try a few other people so that they are sure they are doing the right thing because they are too young, or was married for so long. Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together.

 

Once your ex works thru the issues, they may reconsider.....or they may not. Your ex might find someone else they like better in the meantime.

 

If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships.

 

So when your ex calls/SMS's/emails, you should respond if you wants them back. Not right away, and you shouldn't over do it, but you should respond and leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games.

 

If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on.

 

Moving on...

 

When you don't really value your relationship(s), it is easier to separate.

 

No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense.

 

The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase.

 

If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again.

 

Reconciliation...

 

Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or is thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for theirself. But it doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back.

 

Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok, but if they tell you to stop, STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself.

 

If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly.

 

Letting your ex in too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they wants when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours.

 

"No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting.

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OK... here it is the day of days...

 

You've been practicing no contact and she hasn't called.

It's Valentine's Day.

Do you call? email? SMS? Stop By?

 

NO.

 

The whole point of "no contact" is to give your ex the chance to think about you. To think about herself. And to maybe miss you and your relationship.

 

Contacting her now undoes all of that. and more.

 

No Contact.

 

Wait for her email or call.

 

Really. If she isn't ready for you to be back in her life, then there is no point to trying.

 

What? You think she's ready? Great!! She will be calling you shortly!

If she doesn't call, then perhaps you were mistaken??

Wait and see.

 

I know it makes no sense that she doesn't see what you see.

But you know what? She doesn't see it. And you are the LAST person on Earth that she is going to believe when you tell her.

 

What? You think you can make her see?

Didn't you try that already?

Didn't work did it?

Don't try again.

 

Every time you try, you are extending the timeframe out until eventally it will be so far away that you will never have a chance of seeing her again.

 

So relax. Wait. Find something to do.

Give her the time she needs.

And if she doesn't come back...then it's her loss right?

Sometimes people just get caught in the gears.

It's no ones fault.

 

And you know...they almost always come back in some form or another.

If you leave the door open you have another chance.

If you close it, there's no chance.

 

 

I'm lost_in_chgo and I approved this message.

(sounds moronic doesn't it... what a pointless law)

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The point with me is that if somebody wants to break up with me, it O-V-E-R. I don't want a relationship with somebody who needs to think about whether or not they want to be with me. I hope the door doesn't hit them on their way out. Oh, how romantic it is to be with somebody who has to break up with me in order to decide if they want to be with me. That's like shooting yourself in the head in order to decide whether or not you want to be dead.

 

My dream is to be with somebody who knows with absolute certainty that I am the guy for them and they have no doubt about it. They want to be with me, not away from me.

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Originally posted by Tony

I don't want a relationship with somebody who needs to think about whether or not they want to be with me.

 

Amen!!!

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Lost,

I think you posted the most comprehensive statement on the no contact policy I have seen ANYWHERE! Very honest, very clear. Of course a little variation for specifics (I am dealing with issues with my s/o with whom our relationship is about 20 yrs. old with a lot of twists), but very applicable. Good luck.

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mandrews, by all means post the addendums here.

 

In my situation a divorce was involved everyone close to my ex tells me that she needed to be single for awhile. She gave me alot of reasons that everyone seems to agree don't seem to be important issues or dealbreakers. Nevertheless, I tried to address all of them and encourage her to try with me, but she was having none.

 

After alot of reading about divorce (which I terribly regret not having done more of earlier) I came to believe the first thing that was told to me by a female friend of mine. That she needed space to find herself and was just overwhelmed by the concept of leaving her ten year marriage to enter another committed relationship. That's what she said she wanted, and I think she couldn't really bear to talk about why she changed her mind, if she even knows. Sometimes these things are out of our control.

 

The funny part is that the separation has made me understand the anxiety that she experienced over things, which I honestly never did before. But losing the relationship affected me the same way, a way I'd never experienced in a breakup before.

 

So I said in the "guide" that there are other factors. That's mine. Please everyone share theirs so that other can see. Especially those of you who may be further along the track. Tell us about why you reconciled or why you never could with that lost ex.

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I'm practicing the no contact policy with my ex. It's been a solid 4 weeks since I asked for no contact to "settle down our raw emotions". So far, she has obliged. This is a girl that I work with so I see her every day. I never said she HAD TO completely avoid me, just that it's best to keep away until we are calmed down. We both have done well with no contact. Today was nice. We encountered each other coming around a corner in a hallway, almost head on collision. We both came screeching to a halt and we had to laugh. It was nice. So, with no contact the walls are being torn down. I don't know how much longer I can hold out, but I'm sure she is feeling the same way. I'm determined to keep quiet. I'm not throwing away 4 weeks of hard "work". I will not lose this battle. She will seek me or it wasn't meant to be.

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This is bluntly clear but what is no contact? It seems to me to be kind of starngge to have no contact - especially when their is mixed messages.

 

Here today I politely SMSed to water my plants at home which I received a smple "OK." Knowing what she liked tohave as an acknowledgement I replie with..."cause if you dont you know what happens...."

 

Now I did not expect a reply (though it would have been nice) I would have expected though when she got it either a grumpy look or a thought of the nice feeling that it used to give her. I did not ring or anything like "oh, I want you back.." just a playful little thing to make her think. Is it a head trip? Hell yeah. I know she loves me or has at least strong feelings for me and I know thru her actions that our relationship means something to her for her own support.

 

I have not seen her for over a day (she still lives with me until - three weeks??) and I have my doubts if I want her in my life. This is for no other reason that she has hurt me. I now she is a good perosn and I feel strong love for her, but hell, I was chatting online last night and now hoave 3 women that seem interested in me. I dont wanna date again anytime soon - i have been 'single' for a week - but i did it for my own self satisfaction.

 

I have also shaved my hair shorter than normal and cut off my beard - I wanna look different when I see her again and maybe she will think about what she is losing. I feel guilty but she dont want me then I wont exist as she remembered me. I want her to think that I am gone and remind her that I will not be worse off regardless if she can come back - the door is open though to do that.

 

Now something similar happened to us in the very beginning - she actually ended it before it began and after I emailed her (after 3 weeks) she contacted me back and subsequently we got together. My plan is to let her leave (if that is her utimate decision) and regardless of what happens I will sned an email like "Hi, thought I would say gidday and I hope you are OK. After a bit of contact (that I hope happens) then I will ask her for a date and see what happens.

 

This is only if I feel that something could happen. I aint gonna live on hope. And I am not going to return to her if someone else will be hurt.

 

Good thoughts?

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I don't know about my situation. I was with a guy for a year and half. he went through so many "i need space" phases adn after every time he went through one, we would get back together. But every time it would happen again it got longer and longer, or we didn't talk as much or saw each other as much, or it got meaner and meaner on his part. Well finally it dragged out until he said he needs"a few months space", that the previous times were not long enough and he really just needs to be himself for a while and sort thngis out, think about getting a second job ,gonig back to school, who he wants to be with (not asure what he meant by that as he only had a few dates with this one chick ) but maybe see if he wants to be with me is more like it but obviously he wont say that right. So anyway, we officially break up, but he says it's onlu for a few months, that when he sorts thngis out he'll cal me. Well he still would come over the odd time!! And message me on msn. We still go on a trip we booked together months ago/ While we are on it, he acts like we are back otgether, eveything is good, but then we get into it that he went on a couple dates wityh this girls while we were "broken up". He finds out I went out a couple times as well with someone else. He gets very mad, goes back to teh resort and leaves me at the dinner table. I follow him, he apolgizes and ays obviously he still loves me as it really hurt him that I weas out with other people even though he was donig teh same thing! But he said it was different with him becasue one of the resons he wanted to break up with me was so that he wouldnt hurt me anymore becasue he felt the beed to explore other women. (never relalt dated much in his life, was always in a relationship) Sp anyway, by the time our trip ends, he has pulled very far away, we get back to our city and he is very mean and says he doesnt want to tak to me anymore, I might not ever hear fom him (he's said this all befreo). So I clal him almost every day for a week to get ansers! I had no closure and he wouldnt give it to me! He started being nicer to me though, said a big part of him still wants to be with me and he still loves me but it's not "complete". Then he says there will always be a chance of us getting back otgether but he just needs time away from me right now. Acouple dyas later he is saying we probably wont get back together but yet he still wont give me answers to why he changed and stuff (from living together to wanting to get married to looking at rings to wanting to spemnd the rest of his life with me to not wanting to talk to me) He said he doesnt have the answers yet, but when they come to him he will call me. It's been another month since then, we have spoken through e mail a few times but only about him picking up his mial which he still had delievered to my place. He finally changed his address! In the last e mail, a week ago, he asked how I was donig and told me what he's been up to, very generic letter. I told him I was sating someone and thnigs are gonig good. He got mad and said he isnt surprised and that the whole thing about how much I loved him didnt mean much. I said it has nothnig to do about feelings!! It has to do with getting on with my life and trying to get over him and all teh hurt and stuff (he was always donig something behind my back). So he said to me that he's glad I found someone else, I ignored that comment and e mailed bakc just saying how much of a jerk he as to me. he wrote back saying he still fully intends on giving me answers when they come to him but right now he is concentrating on finding aonther job and school (looking at classes to take). So again, he says in his letter that he is happy I found someone new. Obviously becasue I didn't respond to the other time he said that. I told him I wasnt happy, I was just having a good time and that it's just for right now and I havent gotten over him yet and I dont know if I ever will and that i WOULD STILL RATHER HAVE HIM WHICH IS DISTURBING i TOLD HIM AS HE TREATED ME LIKE GARBAGE. He doesnt apologize for anythnig, just says he needs to find answers. So here I am, its been a week since that last em ail, who knows when I will hear from him again, but realy, 3 months from now or whatever, is it really gonig to matter about finally getting answers??? What's with him putting me on hold for answers!!???? When you break up with someone you have closure then and you go about your seperate way!! And why did he come over at 2 in teh mornnig on a day he as sure i WOULD BE AWAY TO GET HIS MAIL THAT i LEFT IN TEH MAILBOX?? (I TOLD HIM IWOULD be away for lal of saturday and into sunday) He wrote back "oh, are you gonig to be with teh new guy?" I never answered back and here he is showing up at my front steps that saturday night at 2 in teh morning to get his mail!!! My frinds said he wanted to check up on me, see if another';s guys car was maybe in the driveway or my car was indeed gone till sunday. Anyway, what's with istill dont have the answers???!!! WHy does he still feel he neds to give them to me if we have been broken up for two months now. (the first month we were not realy broken up) Like, if you dont have them now, then whats the point! Is he stringing me along in case he decides to come bakc, or does he know he will and wants to keep me around, or does he genuinly not have ansers and even thouygh we'll be broken up for who knows how many months, he miracuosly still feels he needs to give me ansers!?? It wont matter by then!!! It doesnt make sense!!!! Help!!!!

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OK, I went for 4 months with no contact.

Thru Valentines Day and ten days after.

 

Today I got an email from ex.

 

Not a great email, but she is at least reaching out to talk again.

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There are different reasons for going into a 'No Contact' mode.

 

1) You can be invoking a response.

2) You've decided you no longer WANT a response.

 

I think it's important to know what the end result goal is...BEFORE embarking on the NO CONTACT deal!!

 

Each catagory has it's own dynamics and it's own expectation.

 

Realize what YOURS are....and follow NO CONTACT accordingly.

 

A response is not always a 'get back together'. What it CAN be though...is a weaning off of the love which is hurting you. It's hard to walk away cold turkey from the love of your life. It's easier when you can slowly come down from the HIGH.....that you found out is your ultimate LOW!

 

Does that make sense???? :(

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Originally posted by catch22

What happens if you both do "no contact" ?

 

The dumper does no contact so that (s)he doesn't lead the dumpee on. The dumpee does it to preserve any chance at reconciliation. If both people are doing it, at least one of them has moved on, or will soon enough. The other should follow suit.

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It is everyone's right to think about what he/she should do next with his life. we should learn to respect poeple's right to distance and privacy.

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I agree about respecting time and distance. As much as we would like the world to be perfect, it obviously isn't. I think one of the themes here isn't that no contact exists, but trying to not only respect the time/distance factors, but to try and understand them as they all do not necessarily stem from the same places for the same reasons.

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I'm not saying at all the world is perfect but if someone wants sometime to think and decide he or she is entitled to that. Simple rule of fair games.

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Sami,

I think we agree. I am only saying that there are more than one set of reasons why a person may need, or desire the time/space, and that it isn't always because they are trying not to hurt the other person, or any one single answer. Anyone who wants time or space should have it. I also think that it causes confusion when one partner just opts "out" and the other is trying to figure out why, or is trying to lend support or love.

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I respect her space, but i also want her to respect my need for sitting down & talking about unresolved issues, i feel like a family with a missing child, totally in limbo & lost.

 

I'm giving space with the hope that by not pushing & therefore her not pulling, she will be drawn back towards me, not romantically or anything like that, but to want to talk.

 

The thing i'm concerned of, is that by me not pushing, she may think i'm trying to forget & moving on, when i'm doing it for the opposite reason.

People say to me that she has said she wants to see me in the future, so what more do i want, but i trusted her last time. She wants to see me in the future, but needs space, now to see her, i would have to fly to Hungary & stay with her as she's in the sticks. She could say she never wants to see me again, but hasn't & believe me, she would if she wanted to.

 

What should i do about this 1 a week thing, she said we can mail 1 a week, but do i, she thinks i will send more, i guess i'll have to prove to her!.

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Emotional Manipulation - vs- Taking a Hint

 

It's like beating a dead horse....and has the same end result.

 

If someone says they want NO CONTACT.....what part of that would be confusing????? I'd give it to them if I thought they 'really' wanted it or not....just out of self pride. If they didn't mean it....they wouldn't say it to me again....because they would know that I took it literally.

 

I would never persue someone who stated they didn't want to be with me.

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Arabess, i hope you don't mean me, because she never said no contact, 1 email a week was the deal, & as i've just written in a previous thread, all those that have suffered with reconciliation are obviously going to give a negative attitude towards it, i feel no "never" within mine, because who knows, she hasn't been trained as a psychic!

 

i'm sorry if you suffered, but please don't pass on your bad vibes to others that want storys of happily ever after & yes we all will know when the games up, when i find someone else, or she dies, but if she finds someone else, i just hope she gets treated like dog****, as i was with her & then she may realise.

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OK this is in Kit's thread too, but I'm putting it here in mine:

 

Last week I got an update/hi how areyou/ultimatum email from the ex.

This came after just over four months of no contact and a little while after Valentines Day.

 

She started off with :

[font=century gothic]I was glad to hear that you were doing well. The new job is working well for you I hope. I'm sorry I had to be so cold and cut all contact off with you. I felt it was the only way to make you realize that I was not coming back to you. This letter is not meant to give you that hope either. I just thought you would like to hear how things have fallen apart here (her work/my old work). It has gone from bad to worse.

 

some stuff about work...

some stuff about her family....

 

All I'm asking is that you don't take this as me trying to be your girlfriend again. [Our old boss] kept trying to push me into getting back with you. I did not appreciate that at all. So if your curious about anything else just ask. Maybe we could actually be friends again some day. But please don't bring up anything about love or relationships or I will have to stop talking to you again.[/font]

 

So I waited til the following day to address a reply. In the meatime I called our old boss and left him a voice mail about her note, telling him that I wasn't upset at all about it and that I appreciated the effort (he's the only person we know besides her mother that tried to intercede to help us reconcile). I asked him again not to talk to her, citing that she was upset by it.

 

So he calls back in ten minutes, shortly after stepping off a plane. He says he got a chuckle out of my email. Says he hasn't mentioned it to her since October and he's had very little contact with her about anything in the last couple months.

 

So someone's story is a bit less than true...

 

I found the last line interesting. She's changed from telling me how to feel to telling me not to talk about how I feel. That's a good sign. It means she actually does believe what I told her. Shortly after the breakup, her attitude was that I didn't care about her and was using her for sex. So she's accepted that despite what has happened I do actually care about her. That gives us a basis to at least reestablish the friendship.

 

So OK.... I replied to her email the following day, so she could see that I wasn't angry, wasn't playing games, and wasn't insane about her. Some friends told me to make her wait a week, but I felt that a day was more appropriate the first time around.

 

[font=century gothic]Hi, It's good to hear from you again.

Sorry the job isn't going well. Hopefully [new boss] won't get to the point where she feels chopping heads is her only option. Don't worry too much about it. These things work out for the best if you can muddle thru the tough parts. Sounds like you and [coworker] are getting along still, that's good.

 

Short synopsis of my work...

 

Sorry about [our old boss], I did talk to him once back around October about us, but I specifically asked him not try to intercede when he offered. I'm sure he meant well.

 

Well, I'm late for work, I have to end this for now...[/font]

 

 

I haven't heard from her again, and don't expect to for at least a week.

The funny part is, if she had just relaxed early on and gone to lunch with me a few times she would have found that I would have let her have her space. It was her refusal to cross some arbitrary line that caused me to push back at her with requests for lunch. Talking for 8 hours a day via email/IM was fine, but asking about going for a one hour lunch was a federal crime. Go figure.

 

So she's testing the waters to see how I will react and still desperate to avoid a real conversation about the relationship or the breakup. She's waiting to see if I will keep coming back at her with emails.

 

I won't. She has some bridge building to do now. But she is still in "protect herself", "doesn't know what she wants" mode. She not going to get what she wants from me (advice, chat, comfort) until she settles down. Until then she'll get partial support. She has to earn my trust back. After the breakup she wanted a friendship that was 90% me and 10% her. What she will get now is 10% of me until she shows me that she is ready for more. Then she'll get another 10%. But she won't get the total package until I get the total package. I can be a half-friend, semi anonymous chat buddy that is never available for anything and never provides any support back to the people supporting me too.

 

This is going to be tough, but hopefully it will be worth it. It's also kind of amusing now. I've migrated past the point where I was overwhelmed by all this. But the feelings are still there.

 

I got called tenacious my brother. Said he was amazed that I was hanging in here as long as I have. Everyone (especially the ex) thought that I would move on with a couple weeks and that I was just a little hurt.

 

Oh, and there's a girl where I work that is interesting me a bit now, so I may be pursuing that in the next week or so.

 

Everyone is pushing me to do so, they say it will help my attitude. But for most of them that means that they think that I get over the ex if I get under someone else. I know that I won't, but having someone around would certainly make life easier. And it will give me the ability to look at everything more objectively.

 

So that's where I'm at.

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