Potential second chance with a kicker

[offcloudnine]

My girlfriend now ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I made a thread about it in the break up section if anyone cares to see it but it's not important.

 

To keep it short, we are long distance right now, she was severely disappointed at my seemingly lack of effort to work towards having a good future for her. Something I deeply regret and have been making the changes even while we were together. She left me and within days started dating her (female) best friend's brother, he asked her out and she agreed because she 'likes' him.

 

She admitted on some occasions that she's afraid to be disappointed again, that she screwed up dating him, and probably only dated him because she was so hurt that she didn't care much anymore. She says that she doesn't respect what she has done (dating so soon after a break up).

 

Now onto the second chances, she has declared (before I found out she was dating) that she really wants to get back together with me but I needed to show her I really did love her through my actions. I was very willing and agreed that I would show her. Then I find out that she's dating. She doesn't want to end the relationship, because she wants to see where it goes, says it's unfair to other guy, and partially I think because it's also her best friend's brother.

 

I told her that I found it hard to believe that she wanted to get back together with me, at which point (this was when she told me the truth about her dating someone else) she suddenly ate her words and said she doesn't, that she doesn't want to wait anymore. She gave me the glimmer of hope only a day before this happened, not a very long wait.

 

Here comes the kicker, she'll be coming back to the same city as me in couple of months and seems to have hinted that she may want to try us again at that time.

 

I don't know what to think of this, all I can think is that she's being incredibly unfair to me and that I shouldn't take this second chance. I've told her that if she goes through with her decision to continue dating the other guy then I don't see a future with us and that we should cut contact completely. She seemed a bit upset that I suggested it (I suggested it once before and she got really angry at me at first but then broke down and said she didn't want that, she still wanted a future with "us", etc.), but seemed to be agree-able albeit a little aggressive.

 

I really love her and am incredibly sad at her rash decisions she has made but I really wanted for her to start making steps in the right direction for us if that's what she really wanted.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Need as much as I can get, would be much appreciated!

 

edit: I'll probably be going through with the cut of contact, so I suppose I'm looking for thoughts on the matter and whether if there was an opportunity to get back together in the future what I should do, think, or look for, etc.?

Edited March 20, 2012 by offcloudnine

[Philosoraptor]

Have you both worked on the issues that aided to the end of the relationship? It seems though that she rebounded and it wasn't good, so she wanted to bounce back. I wouldn't have very high expectations for this one.

[offcloudnine]

Have you both worked on the issues that aided to the end of the relationship? It seems though that she rebounded and it wasn't good, so she wanted to bounce back. I wouldn't have very high expectations for this one.

 

It seems the rebound hasn't exactly gone bad yet, she's still fine with being in it and seeing where it could go.

 

The issue as far as know that led to the break up was her feeling of betrayal towards her trust in me, in other words disappointment that it didn't seem to her that I showed that I loved her and that really hurt her.

 

If you asked me yesterday, I would've said this was a sure reconcile. Yesterday was when she told me she wanted to get back together and that it was a matter of me showing that I truly loved her which I had no problem with.

 

One thing I didn't mention in my original post is that she claimed that yesterday was a moment of weakness, when she remembered her feelings for me in full and wanted us back together. If what she says is true, then somewhere buried inside her, there are still those feelings for me correct?

 

edit: I feel that not only do I have to make steps in the right direction in growth but she does too, whether we reconcile or not.

Edited March 20, 2012 by offcloudnine

[offcloudnine]

A small update, I have gone NC as far as I can. She sent me a text yesterday night saying that she misses me very much.

 

Still looking for some advice/opinions on my situation

[chelsea2011]

I think it's unfair of her to keep you hanging on with a glimmer of hope while she is with someone else. If I were you I would tell her to call you if she decides to stop seeing the oter guy. Do a 180 and focus on your life with the mindset that if she comes back, she does and if not, life goes on.

 

I couldn't even think of dating anyone else right now, even if I wanted to. Just kind of numb from it all at the moment.

[offcloudnine]

I think it's unfair of her to keep you hanging on with a glimmer of hope while she is with someone else. If I were you I would tell her to call you if she decides to stop seeing the oter guy. Do a 180 and focus on your life with the mindset that if she comes back, she does and if not, life goes on.

 

I couldn't even think of dating anyone else right now, even if I wanted to. Just kind of numb from it all at the moment.

 

Thank you for the response chelsea2011, I agree that it is really unfair for her to keep me around while she is with someone else. I did talk to her about it before I went NC, she always had a problem with confrontation and dealing with ending friendships so naturally she insisted on going with the flow of what was.

 

I'm trying to focus on myself but it's hard, to say I feel like an empty shell is putting is mildly. And I'm not interested in dating others at all, as cheesy as it sounds, she was the one for me. But perhaps that statement isn't true anymore as she's choosing to live another life, another way.

 

It's barely bearable when I keep myself busy and try not to think about it, but when I fail to do that, there's no feeling in the world that can compare with the void that I was left with.

[robertmathis1026]

Cut off the contact for a while than ask your ex to go out, I think it will work, and last don't be too needy and pushy

 

Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!

[offcloudnine]

Cut off the contact for a while than ask your ex to go out, I think it will work, and last don't be too needy and pushy

 

Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!

 

 

Thanks for your response robertmathis1026. I think that may well be what happens, we'll probably hang out once or twice when she gets back although maybe not.

[offcloudnine]

A rather big development, I'll try to summarize it.

 

- She still loves me the same way but says I pushed her away by telling her to "go away", this was when she broke up with me and said a lot of things that hurt me.

- She says that she will wants to reconcile but want to see where her current relationship goes.

- She needs the time away from me to think about us, but is with a rebound, says she's his "white knight" herself, and that she really doesn't see it going anywhere long term.

- She always had a problem dealing with problematic friendships/relationships, so that basically means she's too afraid(?) to break it up with the rebound even if she wanted to.

- She told me once and for all that she thought we were perfect together, and that she'll always love me.

 

Is it just me or does she seemingly contradict herself with what she says and her actions? Is there something to describe this? Would very much appreciate if someone to give their take on this.

[nature]

Yes she is contradicting herself. I'll tell you from a girl's point of view, because I've had lots of girlfriends who've done this very same thing, and I've watched as they strung their ex along in the background feeding him false hope. I'm a girl, yet have never done this to a guy and don't feel it's right, but believe me, many of my girlfriends have done this.

 

She is stringing you along. She is not ready to give up entirely on you in case the new guy doesn't work out. So she's throwing you some breadcrumbs, telling you it probably won't work out with the new guy and deep down she thinks you're the guy for her.

 

Now to be honest, if she really thought you were the guy for her and you were meant to be together, she would NOT be dating this new guy. She would not be remotely interested in a new guy, and would be putting all of her energy into working things out with you. She is ALLOWING you to show her how much you love her and prove it to her? While she dates someone else? Brutal. I've told girlfriends of mine this is brutal to do to their ex's as well, but it's a feeling of power for them. In some little way it is a passive aggressive way of having power over you. You can pine away and prove to her how much you love her, while she tests out a new guy. And if the new guy doesn't work out, she always has you to run back to. But if the new guy does work out, she'll just tell you that you didn't prove you love her enough so she's just going to stay with him. I've seen it way too many times.

 

She is into the new guy. Believe me. She would not be dating him if she wasn't. And I would imagine she started developing feelings for him before she even broke up with you, which is why she ended up with him so quickly after you.

 

What did you do that made your relationship so bad that she wanted to leave you? What do you have to prove? What is all this she speaks of? I'd be interested in knowing. Right now this girl is playing games with you. What you need to do is tell her it's DONE. That you will not entertain her little games, and you are not interested in a woman who would so easily jump into another relationship. And you will certainly not prove your love for a woman who is already dating a new man. You need to stand up for yourself.

[offcloudnine]

Yes she is contradicting herself. I'll tell you from a girl's point of view, because I've had lots of girlfriends who've done this very same thing, and I've watched as they strung their ex along in the background feeding him false hope. I'm a girl, yet have never done this to a guy and don't feel it's right, but believe me, many of my girlfriends have done this.

 

She is stringing you along. She is not ready to give up entirely on you in case the new guy doesn't work out. So she's throwing you some breadcrumbs, telling you it probably won't work out with the new guy and deep down she thinks you're the guy for her.

 

Now to be honest, if she really thought you were the guy for her and you were meant to be together, she would NOT be dating this new guy. She would not be remotely interested in a new guy, and would be putting all of her energy into working things out with you. She is ALLOWING you to show her how much you love her and prove it to her? While she dates someone else? Brutal. I've told girlfriends of mine this is brutal to do to their ex's as well, but it's a feeling of power for them. In some little way it is a passive aggressive way of having power over you. You can pine away and prove to her how much you love her, while she tests out a new guy. And if the new guy doesn't work out, she always has you to run back to. But if the new guy does work out, she'll just tell you that you didn't prove you love her enough so she's just going to stay with him. I've seen it way too many times.

 

She is into the new guy. Believe me. She would not be dating him if she wasn't. And I would imagine she started developing feelings for him before she even broke up with you, which is why she ended up with him so quickly after you.

 

What did you do that made your relationship so bad that she wanted to leave you? What do you have to prove? What is all this she speaks of? I'd be interested in knowing. Right now this girl is playing games with you. What you need to do is tell her it's DONE. That you will not entertain her little games, and you are not interested in a woman who would so easily jump into another relationship. And you will certainly not prove your love for a woman who is already dating a new man. You need to stand up for yourself.

 

 

Wow thanks for your response nature, it's more of what I didn't do more than what I did. We're still both in our early twenties and are looking to start our careers. Admittedly my career hasn't really taken off yet and I've had to work to build it up, and sadly I haven't been working as hard as I should be even though I've been trying. And that's it. That's what she wants me to "prove" to her.

 

I know, I need to stand up for myself, she is playing games with me, it's just so hard to believe after 3 years together, I never could see her acting like this.

 

I still love her very much, a part of me wants to forgive her and wants her back, but another part of me wants nothing to do with her anymore. I think it's time for me to follow the latter, it's time for me to stop taking the hurt from someone that doesn't deserve me :-(

[TaraMaiden]

Cut off the contact for a while than ask your ex to go out, I think it will work, and last don't be too needy and pushy

 

Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!

 

Thanks for your response robertmathis1026. I think that may well be what happens, we'll probably hang out once or twice when she gets back although maybe not.

 

Ignore this poster.

He is a spammer. Notice the link in his post. he's just advertising.....

[offcloudnine]

Ignore this poster.

He is a spammer. Notice the link in his post. he's just advertising.....

 

Thanks, I did notice that! I just tried to be courteous still.

[offcloudnine]

Update:

 

We had a pleasant talk about what is going on. It seems I can conclude that she always had it at the back of her mind that finding "the one" was a difficult feat and felt it was hard to be sure since I was her first and only.

 

I know this doesn't make it anymore fair for me, and she's just different from people like me (who don't need to wonder), but it seems that she just wanted to get it out of her system and to be sure that I'm "the one" for her and to fully appreciate it.

 

It's very difficult for me to accept this, but my love for her really knows no bounds and I think I will let her go and do this and see what happens at the end of it.

 

On a more positive note(?) she says she always talks about how perfect I am in front of her date and he isn't very happy about it at all.

[offcloudnine]

I'm not sure what to think of her dating another guy. I find the need to keep my mind off of it or else it'll drive me insane. What are some of your thoughts on her dating someone else for whatever reason, is this even plausible? Is there a chance of a happy ending here?

[Riseabove]

Do you think she would do this to you if her love for you "knew no bounds"?

 

Personally I would never accept being treated like this.

[jennisfora]

she is treating you like an option, a plan B, in case nothing works out, she can fall back to you. She is scared of being alone. She knows you will be there, so there is no risk of that. She can play the field, and count on you to wait for her. Don't let yourself be used! It isn't worth it. *hugs*

[offcloudnine]

Do you think she would do this to you if her love for you "knew no bounds"?

 

Personally I would never accept being treated like this.

 

I agree and well I guess I could either end it now, but I myself would really want to see how this may end up.

 

 

she is treating you like an option, a plan B, in case nothing works out, she can fall back to you. She is scared of being alone. She knows you will be there, so there is no risk of that. She can play the field, and count on you to wait for her. Don't let yourself be used! It isn't worth it. *hugs*

 

I completely see what you mean...and it may very well be the case. But does it mean anything if there's no long term prospects with her current date? He's still stuck in university years after he should have finished, and their careers will take place in two different countries indefinitely.

 

I find it hard to see it any other way now other than the fact that I am plan B, but I just thought this may not be your typical case of plan A and plan B.

 

And thanks for the hug, *hugs* :-)

[jennisfora]

well, plan A could be to do a bunch of short relationships, or she may want a relationship that is distant and "safe." some people like the security of a relationship they know can go nowhere after getting out of a committed relationship. sometimes what they need at the time is something that in the back of their mind they know wont be forever after. hard to say, it is all conjecture, but you are on the back burner, which isn't where you want to be. *hugs back*

[offcloudnine]

well, plan A could be to do a bunch of short relationships, or she may want a relationship that is distant and "safe." some people like the security of a relationship they know can go nowhere after getting out of a committed relationship. sometimes what they need at the time is something that in the back of their mind they know wont be forever after. hard to say, it is all conjecture, but you are on the back burner, which isn't where you want to be. *hugs back*

 

Thanks for the quick reply!

 

I know it's all conjecture at this point, but I can't say I don't agree with you when you say that she might be wanting a relationship they know may not go anywhere, that brings a certain security to her and a sense of control.

 

She was never a strong person emotionally, and was very insecure, but she admitted on a number of occasions that I've made her who she is, I've made her a better person but admittedly she still has a ways to go.

 

Being on the back burner sure does suck, and I know many people here or anywhere would just tell me that this isn't worth it, and that she isn't worth it. I can't say I disagree with them, at the moment she may not be with what's going on in her head, but the real question is will she ever be? I'd like to hope so, because I've given her my heart and soul and it's incredible difficult to fathom a life without her

 

I guess deep down I'm just hoping that whatever she's doing now she'll get over eventually and in the ideal situation figure it all out and from there decide whether she wants to be with me or not.

Edited March 26, 2012 by offcloudnine

[Riseabove]

Why do we keep people as Plan B? Every time I have had such a silly thought as a plan B with someone, it has been because I just was not that interested in them.

 

If you choose to stick around and wait, I would urge you to not let her know. I guess that if you tell her that you will wait for her she will loose respect and attraction to you.

 

Personally I would tell her that it is not acceptable for me to be a plan B and wish her a happy life. If I was madly in love, most likely my feeling of being in love would be very reduced just by knowing that I am number two.

[luvkitties]

 

On a more positive note(?) she says she always talks about how perfect I am in front of her date and he isn't very happy about it at all.

 

OP, I'm sure you're a great guy, but I get the sense that this girl is playing you like a cheap fiddle. If she really felt that you were "perfect", she would be with you and not this other dude. I also sense that the above is a lie because if she kept mentioning you to him, I would suspect the other dude would be turned off pretty quickly.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this...hang in there!

[findingnemo]

I'm not sure what to think of her dating another guy. I find the need to keep my mind off of it or else it'll drive me insane. What are some of your thoughts on her dating someone else for whatever reason, is this even plausible? Is there a chance of a happy ending here?

 

The only chance you may have of a happy ending is if you bow out of the "competition" she's put you in and let her make her won decision. It's terribly unfair of her to use you as a sounding board at this point. If she's too afraid to break up with the new guy, tell her to call you when she finally finds the courage to do it. Also tell her that at this point, she's the one hurting you, not doing something to ensure the future she wanted so much and making you distrustful of her feelings for you.

 

Good luck.

[offcloudnine]

Why do we keep people as Plan B? Every time I have had such a silly thought as a plan B with someone, it has been because I just was not that interested in them.

 

If you choose to stick around and wait, I would urge you to not let her know. I guess that if you tell her that you will wait for her she will loose respect and attraction to you.

 

Personally I would tell her that it is not acceptable for me to be a plan B and wish her a happy life. If I was madly in love, most likely my feeling of being in love would be very reduced just by knowing that I am number two.

 

Thank you for your response, and while you put forward very valid points, she insists that she is interested in getting back together with me at some point but can't find it in herself to feel those feelings towards me at the moment. It might just be a load of bull and it's simply that she'll never have interest in me, but I don't know.

 

 

[/b]

 

OP, I'm sure you're a great guy, but I get the sense that this girl is playing you like a cheap fiddle. If she really felt that you were "perfect", she would be with you and not this other dude. I also sense that the above is a lie because if she kept mentioning you to him, I would suspect the other dude would be turned off pretty quickly.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this...hang in there!

 

Part of me feels that way too, but I don't think she's lying, and yes the other dude is pretty upset and annoyed about it. I think it's putting a lot of stress on their relationship, something I don't find surprising because she just got out of a long term relationship with me on unclear terms. Honestly I feel that the other dude is a complete idiot to want to jump head first into a relationship with her in the current situation.

 

 

The only chance you may have of a happy ending is if you bow out of the "competition" she's put you in and let her make her won decision. It's terribly unfair of her to use you as a sounding board at this point. If she's too afraid to break up with the new guy, tell her to call you when she finally finds the courage to do it. Also tell her that at this point, she's the one hurting you, not doing something to ensure the future she wanted so much and making you distrustful of her feelings for you.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree, she has to make the decisions on her own and I have essentially initiated no contact with her. And thanks for the luck, I'm sure I'll be needing it when things start to clear up.

 

---

 

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, because I personally can't, but she has told me she feels that she has started the process of finding herself, or self-discovery. She never really knew herself as much as she wanted to, she acts primarily based on the immediate situation and often lacks the long-term foresight, this combined with her insecurities has made her never really appreciate or love herself.

 

It really sucks for me, there are times when memories of our time together or even before it (we know each other since we were 12) flood in and I am crippled from the feeling of a void inside me. I truly hope that this journey she's on of self-discovery proves to be fruitful and I can't say that I don't hope that it means a happy ending for me.

[Riseabove]

I am positive that the best thing you could do is to go NC and let it be up to her to contact you again. I don't always agree with people saying that you should tell them to only contact you if it's about the relationship or getting back together. I think that puts to much pressure on the dumper. It makes them feel that they need to be ready to go all the way if they choose to contact you. I've been in this situation and it kind of scared me away, because I did not want to hurt her any further.

 

If I were you I would just let her know that you love her and that you really want to be with her, but that you cant continue giving your love and time to someone who does not give it back, and that you need to stay away from eachother in order for you to start moving on with your life. No talk about terms of when she's allowed to contact you. I don't think you risk anything by doing so. Only then, the actual possibility of loosing you will become a reality to her. While you are NC you should try to live your life as best you can, and for your own sake don't expect her to come back. Your breakup is also very fresh, you should keep NC at least for a couple of months and see how it goes. You might even start to feel a little bit better as time passes.

 

What she is doing now is not fair either to you or the new guy. If he is upset at her behaviour he is rightfully so. I would never enter a relationship unless I was perfectly sure that she was completely done with previous relationships. For her it seems to be perfect, because shes not risking anything by her behaviour. She has two guys that are ready to be there for her when she wants to.

 

No matter what advice you are given, you should do what you feel is best for yourself, because only you know all the details about your relationship. Still, I have a hard time understanding why so many people allow themself to be an option for someone. IMO that should not be the case if it's real love. Who knows, maybe I could have gotten my ex back if I just tried but my personality just wont allow me to do so.