Steve2usa Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 Last Tuesday, My GF broke it off with me and I am devastated. I am 37 and she is 23, but age was never a factor. 3 weeks ago she was driving my truck and got into an accident. Since the insurance had lapsed I was stuck with a $6000.00 bill for two vehicles. After the accident is when things started going bad, she became distant and maybe I just wasn't seeing her hurting. We spent x-mas seperately and exchanged gifts when she returned from her families on Friday. She hurt me a little by making remarks about each gift I got her, even though I tried hard to get her what she wanted. That night she went out with friends and told me to call her later, 10 messages later and 24 hours passed I finnally heard from her at 5:00 pm Saturday. I went to go see her before I went to work at the bar and told her I was upset that she had gotten drunk and not bothered to call. I asked her if I had done anything wrong or if there were things bothering her, but she said no, even though over the past couple of weeks she had mentioned that we needed to talk but never would. She did say I could call her from work, which I did only to get her voicemail again. I became upset and started drinking that night and drank all through the next morning and day at the bar xmas party. I tried calling her several times that day and I'm sure it was an annoying amount, as I got drunker I became more persistent and more irrated. At the end of the night I went by her place and knocked on her door and bedroom window to no reponse(This was a big no-no). I drove home (Another big No-No) and called her one last time before I passed out, I cannot remember the message, but I don't think it was good. The next morning she called me on her way to work and told me I said some hurtful things and we needed to talk tommorow, which was tuesday. Later that day I wrote her letter appologizing for my acting like an ass and left it on her car window. The next day she broke it off, She came over to get her stuff and left within 2 minutes, I only had time to ask her if it was over and she said yes, I asked her if there was any chance and she said no, I asked her if she loved me and she said Not Right Now, I asked if the relationship was all that bad and she told me I was a great guy, hugged me and told me I could call her in about 4 days If I wanted friendship. An hour later i found a note she left pointing out my faults and putting me down in a hurtful way. This is not like her and I cannot she broke up with me like that when I often asked her to talk to me to find out these problems. Well, 4 days went by and I called her yesterday and told her on her voice mail again, that I was sorry, I missed her and would have done anything for her and her 3 year old daughter. I told her I would still like to be friends because the thought of her not in my life at all is even worse. I told her I still had some stuff of hers here and she had some of my stuff and that we could meet somewhere neutral to exchange them and promised not to talk about the relationship unless it was something she started. I waited for 30 hours and no response so I called her again today (Voicemail) and asked her if she had gotten the other message, that we did need to exchange each others stuff and that I needed to know when she was going to repay some money she borrowed for her rent and that I was contacted by a lawyer about the accident and we needed to talk about that since she was the one found at fault driving and I was the owner. In both messages I tried to sound pleasant and not like I was grovveling or sniffling. So what do I do now? I know all about the no contact rule, but in this case its just not possible because of the variables that still exist. I don't want to seem pushy because more than anything I want this woman back in my life and eventually make her my wife. We have no mutual friends that I can talk to so I can find out what she's really feeling or thinking and that is making it worse for. I want more than anything to be able to appologize for all I did wrong face to face or else I will never get closer if she decides that there is no future at all. A female friend of mine who happens to be an ex has volunteered to deliver the items to her and try and talk to her on my behalf so I can get some inkling of what she is thinking, they have never met but she will know who it is right away because she is in a wheelchair and she knew my ex was in a wheelchair. Is this a good idea, what else can I do? I am losing my mind and cannot stop thinking or crying over her daily. Any help will be appreciated. Thank You. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 5, 2004 Share Posted January 5, 2004 I just have a little bit of advice for you: don't send your ex as the "go-between". Don't send anyone for that matter. You will probably end up annoying her, and pushing her even further away. There's not much else I can offer. It seems like you have both been doing hateful things back and forth to each other. I would make it known that you're sorry (if you really are) and that you still want to be with her. If she ignores this effort, then move on and find someone new. Good luck with whatever comes. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2usa Posted January 5, 2004 Author Share Posted January 5, 2004 Well, I guess I can't win for trying. I did have to talk to her because of the issues about us being sued for damages to the vehicle she hit. I went to her work and waited till she was done and gave her a single yellow rose for friendship and asked her if we could talk, she was bitter and said she told me I could call in a couple of weeks and not a few days (This is a change I know) and was in a hurry and would call me later. She did call later and accused me of being obsesive, I told her I was not and was trying to give her space but that we had issues to talk about. I told her If I thought she did not say to call in a few days that I would not have. I tried to appologize and she told me to stop saying I'm sorry because she's heard it enough. I talked to her about the issues I needed to and she remained bitter throughout the whole conversation, I again told her we needed to exchange each others stuff and she said it could wait she did'nt need to do it right away, I again told her I loved her and her daughter and missed them both, she said she knows and doesn't want to hear it right now so I dropped it. I told her I hope that she could tell me her true feelings someday and that I would not contact her again for a couple weeks and said bye and hung up. I know she is mad, but I cannot figure out what she is so mad about. I screwed up and lost her, but really don't know why anymore because she said I did not say anything mean in my messages (Perhaps it was just to many). Well now I have to play the waiting game, I think I will be ok because I was finnally able to talk to her and tell her how I felt and let her know I am still here and do Love her. I'm not sure if I should make contact with her in a couple of weeks or wait for her to contact me at the end of the month when she said she would repay the money she owes me. I will use this forum to keep my spirit and my hopes alive, because just knowing there are other people who know how I am feeling and are not trying to feel sorry for me like my friends are helps alot. Thank you all for being there. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Originally posted by Steve2usa So what do I do now? I know all about the no contact rule, but in this case its just not possible because of the variables that still exist. I don't want to seem pushy I seem to be saying this in nearly every post to you guys. DO NOT CONTACT HER. If you know about the rule, follow it. No exceptions whatsoever. You ARE being pushy. I have to be honest, you would have driven me to dementure by now. Every phone call, letter, or whatever makes her lose another ounce of respect for you. Remember that. Let her call you. But it may take time, now. Remember those computer programs where if you add an incorrect password, each time you re-enter incorrectly, it doubles the amount of time it makes you wait for the next re-entry, so minutes can turn into hours and then days. Your actions are having the same effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I think InLoKo is right, that it will be better to just wait. She knows how you feel, and unfortunately right now it's not having an impact. It sounds like she doesn't hold ill feelings toward you, other than she's feeling smothered. I also don't have to tell you that the drunk-dialing is definitely not a good idea. If you are going to be drinking, leave your phone at home and tell your co-workers and/or friends not to let you use the phone (Back in school we used to twist the popular drinking and driving slogan into Friends Don't Let Friends DIAL Drunk!). I know it's very painful and frustrating, and I'm going through the same kinds of things right now. Don't call in a few weeks like you said, and in fact if she's expecting it she may be surprised and finally feel some relief and her mind can then start wandering into what she loved about you. If you have to contact her about the "business" stuff, make it exactly that...business. Don't mention anything about the relationship, missing her, etc. Just discuss what you need to (in a friendly manner) and end it with "Goodbye." If you are able to even have some or all of the discussions over email, that might be even better. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2usa Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 Thanks for the input: I know I pushed and regret that I had too, but now I am fully aware that the no contact must be followed. I know what she had told me before and today it was changed to a longer period of time, I know I will see her in court and it will be very hard because as she told me today (I'm 23 years old, I have no credit and no money and am trying to raise a 3 year old daughter by myself), My heart says, take the responsibility off her shoulders and relieve her of any fault (Maybe I would like a hero to her), my head says she needs to know that she must be accountable for her actions in life. Anyways, I will give her the no contact she is asking for and hope she has a change of heart and not a repitition of what brought us together to begin with. (she had dated 2 guys prior to me, each for 3 months and broke up with them because they treated her like crap and tried controlling her, prior to that she went through an admitted slut phase after her ex of of 1.5 years split up (Who is now her best friend, giving her all the advice I'm sure that will never help my cause)). Right now my emotions are swirling and I will be depending on friends and this site and enotalone's site for guidance and support. It hurts guys, and gals and I know I am not alone. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Steve Link to post Share on other sites
eyeofsilence Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 It sounds like your gf is going thru alot right now too. I know it can be hard to respect that when you have your own feelings to cope with, but try your best to give here space. Like loko mentioned before every call and message you leave her is only going to make her more upset. Give her room, she will talk to you eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2usa Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 I intend to give her all space she needs because I love her and want to respect her. I know I have to work on myself and how I feel in order to ever be able to even have another chance with her or any other. I ask though, am I foolish for the way I feel about her since we only had a 3 month relationship? I had been in love before and it was a longer relationship than this one and I never thought I could love anyone like that again. That was almost 10 years ago and even though I dated several girls I never gave them my heart, But this girl stold it right away. I now believe in Love at first site and and I know deep in my heart this is the girl I want to be with the rest of life, because there was something magical about the way we were. Can you put a time limit on when you really love someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2usa Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 I catch myself when I'm alone holding conversations with her and telling her all the things I want her to hear from my heart. I know she is not there and sometimes I imagine that we will be somewhere together and I will have the chance to actually say these things to her. For those who have followed my post, I am still looking for the reason that she broke it off, she said very little other than it was over and I could contact in a few weeks if I wanted to be friends. 2 days proir she told me she loved me. I feel like I'm losing it mentally. I try hard to focus on what I'm doing during the day when I'm working, but whenever I'm alone again, I start these conversations up again. Is this normal because I am still seekings answers that may give me the closure I'm needing? Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by Steve2usa whenever I'm alone again, I start these conversations up again. Is this normal If the conversations are in your head, that's normal. If you having the conversations out loud, not normal. You're not going to get closure. You're going through the hurt, pain and grief at the moment. If you find that things aren't getting better, seriously consider going to the Doctor for some Prozac or something (or St. John's Wort is an excellent alternative, but takes at least 3 weeks to take effect). I did and took Prozac for one month and it just gave me that tiny light at the end of the tunnel when I most needed it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatAngelGirl Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I don't believe I'm qualified to tell you if you're insane but if it makes you feel any better, I talk to myself too Actually, in my head I go over and over things I want to say or should have said. In itself I don't think it's a problem. A broken heart is very difficult to handle and everyone deals with it differently. As long as you're not answering yourself, pretending to be her, I'd say you'll be just fine. Hang in there and be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldfingerCymru Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Stevo, You are not insane - it is the way the brain tries to reason something which it cannot comprehend, especially if you are a logical or mathematiical person. As you have no reason for the break, the logical part of your brain is trying to reason why. Computers work on with ones and zeros, which is either yes or no; your brain works in the same way. You need the reason why, be it either positive or negative. If a computer doesn't get this then you can get a continuous loop which cannot be broken out of without pressing a break key. Thus your talking/thinking to yourself is sort of the same process. I'm not insane (honest) and I have and still do the same to myself in quiet moments. People need completion and so do you. Look on the bright side, millions of religious people talk to their respective God and he/she/they may not even exist, Does this make them insane (OK! so maybe a handful of them). Hopefully it will get better for you (and possibly me too), If not, I'll speak to you in person when they lock us both away. Regards Alan Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Right...who's got the keys? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steve2usa Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 It would be my honor to share such company. With everyone who posts in this forum for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
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