Jump to content

mixed signals...


dist0rted

Recommended Posts

hi, long story but anyways..

 

so me and my 'ex' were together for nearly 5 years now. we had been great friends for about 4 years before getting together. it was a pretty passionate relationship for the first 2 years or thereabouts, but after that things just kind of stabilized into routines (chatting every night on phone, meeting up only on saturday nights) and apart from occasional holiday trips together and dinners things were pretty smooth sailing. she has told me many times that i'm the one for her and we both agree that she has invested a lot into the relationship. unfortunately for me, i put my focus too much into other stuff (being so busy with work that i neglected her on valentines' day, playing computer games while she's at my house and wanting to do something else, flaring up at her sometimes, etc etc).

 

we were already planning to get married. so we were looking for a house a few weeks before the break up. now she was always the one more enthusiastic about marriage (i honestly did not think so far at that time) and she was the one who actually did a lot of sourcing for information regarding good places to stay and she brought me to see them. she was particularly excited about this particular location. unfortunately this location to me was too far from my current workplace. i was also rather unhappy that the salesman seemed to pay more attention to her (since obviously she was the one more interested) than me, and i felt that my views were not being considered. i argued with her a little but she was adamant about taking it, and on the way back i gave her the silent treatment to show my displeasure. she was extremely worried and kept asking me what's wrong but i would not budge. in the end we sought my parents' opinions and she gave in and decided to go along with my wish.

 

so one day it happened. on the phone with her one night while i was feeling overly stressed up over my job, she suddenly grew silent. i grew anxious and in my anxiety i started saying hurtful things to her. and she said that she didn't think we were going to work out (or something along those lines). immediately i dashed to her house and we had a talk about it. she said she was sorry things had to come to this but she did not feel loved, wanted or self-actualized in the relationship. instead she felt jaded, losing her zest for life, feeling more like a care-giver to me and pulling on one end of the string. she said she felt that if i had issues she couldn't keep making me change and eventually she decided that she needed a break from the relationship. turns out that she had been contemplating saying this for a long time but did not because she was afraid of losing me. also turns out she had cried about this for 4 days before she broke the news.

 

i was naturally devastated and of course said i was sorry for neglecting her, i will be nicer to her etc etc the usual plead and promise stuff. it seemed she was fine but after that the next day she said no she could not go on like that, she said she needed some time to herself first and she does not want me to contact her for a while. she changed her facebook profile picture from a picture of us together to a picture of herself only, and that really hurt me. so i went down again, explained to her that i was wrong to put her in second priority, and basically went on another begging routine. she was in tears too at the end of it, she said she was sorry things ended up like this but she said that her conscience was clear, she had given her all and things did not work out. of course i regretted it, for i felt that i did not give it my all. it took many tears that night, but eventually i proposed we could be friends first, and immediately she took me up on my suggestion. i asked her what happened if i tried to woo u again, would u be open to coming back to me, she said yes she would. we went off (seemingly happy with the conclusion).

 

but (and here's the catch) she gave me a lot of encouraging material (books and stuff which she values a lot) and also kept telling me to be careful when dating other girls when I hinted that i could do so now, even going so far as to want to hold my hand when crossing the road (i was the one who declined as i thought she wanted to remain friends only) even dropping a hint or two that i needed to be patient. she says what will be will be, that no matter what happens we will remain as friends forever, even dropped a hint saying that her standards are high and she won't date any normal guy out there.

 

so it's been a month since the fateful day and on my part i've been coping ok. i kicked the gaming habit, picked up cooking, and we've been in contact (she has agreed to meet me every wednesday and saturday night) and apart from fits of insecurity on my side (for example when she tries to spite me by mentioning some other guy, or replying me with terse texts) things have been pretty much stabilizing. well when i get insecure i try to force her into a decision to get back together with me immediately but i realise everytime i do that she withdraws even further, she says she doesn't want to be forced into a corner, she says she needs time and she has hinted to me that I don't trust her enough. so eventually i stopped doing so. her family approves of me and it has led to many quarrels in their home (which ironically there was one time when after a quarrel she decided to meet up with me just to get away from it). but on seeing that forcing her into a decision isn't going to help matters, her family and I have decided to lay off the pressure a bit, and she seems to be coping well.

 

i've actually made my stand clear (2 weeks into the break up) that I will not agree to the break up and after a lot of arguments, she texted me on the way home, that she said it took a lot of courage for her to walk away from the relationship as she KNEW it was the right thing to do then (note she used 'knew').

 

so this past week has been a great week. i've done nice stuff for her (flowers and all) and she seemed touched by my gestures. there was one particular time when i cooked her favourite dish for her and on that day she was particularly happy, even saying stuff like hmm i need to test you out first and then quickly reverting the statement by saying well actually i don't test people out, and then even let slip by saying to me (while poking fun at some people we met) "your girlfriend likes to make fun of people". we've even nearly made out a couple of times (with her joking saying "we're friends first" not "**** first" but i went ahead anyway). she has insisted i bring her along at guy gatherings and introduce her as my girlfriend, and also she has asked me 'stupid' questions like 'what would you do if your female colleague liked you' and she even admitted to checking out my facebook profile, looking at my female friend list. i've done simple tests to find out if she's still concerned (like complaining of a big stomachache) and she would immediately text me back and i can sense the concern in her texts. she says stuff like if only i had known you earlier i would have been spared lots of heartache (she had 3 failed short-lived relationships before).

 

only bugbear is that her texts are still terse and she just refuses to hold my hand in public (of course in the privacy of the room we've even gone so far as heavy petting). she has said many times that she's facing a head and heart conflict (head tells her she should not trust me so easily but heart is still with me) and i'm beginning to think that she's simply having little or no faith that my change is permanent. everything else seems to be back to where we were when we were dating (except for the terse texts and the "we're friends first" speech and no holding hands in public) so i believe that she has feelings for me. Thing is, i'm worried that her final decision might be the LJBF speech. i'm getting rather confused at her mixed signals. do you think her decision will be to my advantage?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me that you are on the right track to getting her back. You just have to prove to her that you have changed and don't want to go back to how you where before. You had her in the palm of your hands tough bro and blew it so she is going to have to rebuild that trust in you that she won't have to go through the same thing again. Don't be needy and act insecure and you should have her back in know time. patience is the key my friend so hand in there

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

just a brief update. thanks for the advice, i'm generally patient and i guess it's paying off now. just a few days ago she said that she has made a decision to be with me, but she says that it will take some time for her to be back to where she was when she was with me. that's causing me some hurt and confusion because though i can sense that she's slowly warming up, she's still not giving her full, and both me and her know it. simple things like how she used to put in a lot of effort into her texts, how she used to be soft and accommodating towards me, stuff like that just isn't there.

 

i confronted her about it and she says that she doesn't want to feel forced into doing things that she doesn't want to do. i do not understand why she needs time, i told her to pretend as if nothing had happened and we're back to normal but she says she cannot do so because the disappointment was too great. so on the one hand i have to cope with my own expectations and on the other i have to be caring and understanding towards her. sometimes it really takes a toll on my emotions and i end up confronting her again to which she always tells me that she needs more time.

 

i have asked her whether she's forgiven me and she said she has, so i don't know what's stopping her from giving her full. i think it's more of a trust issue but it's not easy to be fully secure and patient while she's not giving her all into it. yet that's what she wants to see, the consistency in my love, which unfortunately is hard for me to freely give, without any encouragement or appreciation from her.

 

any advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas

I'm in a similar situation dist0rted and I'm generally impatient and expect a large amount of investment and emotion, well lets face it just about everything else to a high degree.

 

I'm on my second chance however and I can't seem to be given the same credit, response, affection among other things to the degree that I used to receive, and I know how she is when she feels it and is genuine. It bugs the **** out of me but I understand that she has a right to distrust me and she keeps telling me things take time. the difference between me and you is that this is a rekindling of after 4 or 5 years, but it's essentially feeling like a similar process.

 

Myself I don't get it, I'm ready to invest more, give more, I wronged my rights so to speak and changed a lot of the person I used to be with her, 180 degree in some regards and just overall a better man. But it just feels like i'll never get the same amount of trust back again, and shell never love me the same way again without apprehension, once its lost it feels lost.

 

i talked to a close female friend of mine who is very honest and wise to how women act and feel (she hasn't been wrong yet and i consider myself a pretty astute guy in dating and relationships) and she just kinda confirms what I'm feeling....that you can't go back, you can't unbreak her heart and unbreak that trust because it takes a ton for a woman to get there so when she finally does she can't turn back and I have to stop letting go of that memory.

 

At least for me, I am expecting what she used to give me and she is just saying it takes time. My female friend says she is in denial and to trust her, women may want to go back but they cannot, you get your chances and once she is through she is through. i am trying to doubt her advice and banking on a small glimmer of hope but even now I'm slowly just having to accept it. I love this woman and want to be with her and I learned that over a long period of time, I might either have to settle for being with her not fully invested and hoping she gets back there over time or just accept that the time has passed and no matter how much i do or how much I regret it i cannot buy that ticket back into time and make the same thing appear nowdays.

 

So good luck, it isn't going to be easy, I don't think there is an easy answer to this and from my lack of experience with this I may be a little naive to what can happen over time, either that or I'm just in denial and hopeful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First as a woman I want to tell this.

Valentine's day is very important to women. You know what it's feels like when all your friends and co-workers tell you how wonderfully their man treated them on Valentine's..choclates, flowers, dinner or some other romantic gestures and you have to listen them when you got nothing.

 

It hurts. You are jealous, resentful and every other feeling imaginable.

 

In your mind you start thinking he doesn't love me. How come other women get this and I get nothing. You start to feel insecure.

 

It's not so much that she doesn't trust you it's that she doesn't feel secure and that is what women really need more than anything.

 

So, cook her a nice dinner, present her with flowers make a Valentine's card for her and tell her that you are going to try to make every day a Valentine's day for her.

 

Let me know how she responds to that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
First as a woman I want to tell this.

Valentine's day is very important to women. You know what it's feels like when all your friends and co-workers tell you how wonderfully their man treated them on Valentine's..choclates, flowers, dinner or some other romantic gestures and you have to listen them when you got nothing.

 

It hurts. You are jealous, resentful and every other feeling imaginable.

 

In your mind you start thinking he doesn't love me. How come other women get this and I get nothing. You start to feel insecure.

 

It's not so much that she doesn't trust you it's that she doesn't feel secure and that is what women really need more than anything.

 

So, cook her a nice dinner, present her with flowers make a Valentine's card for her and tell her that you are going to try to make every day a Valentine's day for her.

 

Let me know how she responds to that.

 

 

Hey Twinkles,

 

kind of a thread hijack here, but is there something to this security in women that would make it okay to send an ex an eCard for the coming holidays? Just to indirectly say, "hey you're special, no matter what we are."

 

I've been in and out of contact with my ex for a little over 3 months. She broke up with me, but has relapsed into giving me mixed signals ... then went cold again (NC for a month). You kind of hit the nail on the board, because she loves to feel special, and never feels secure enough that people love her. Anyway, she moved to a different state months ago, but really misses home and told me she is moving back soon. So, I drove and went around her favorite city that she considers home, and took some pretty good pictures of her favorite spots (restaurants, coffee shops, landscapes). I made a collage of them all on my laptop and want to send her the finished product in an eCard.

 

Just wondering what you think, as a woman. Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites

you won't believe how much your situation parallels mine. i guess for me the first step to getting her back is to keep all the promises i made when we were together and also work at the problems that caused the break up in the first place.

 

just that in my situation, its a bit complicated because there is this other guy in the picture whom she's close to but have admittedly said to her friends that there is nothing between - at least for the moment i think.

 

congrats on getting her back. i really hope that my 6.5 year relationship will have the same happy ending as yours. cherish her and don't make the same mistakes WE did before the break up.

 

cheers

Link to post
Share on other sites

you won't believe how much your situation parallels mine. i guess for me the first step to getting her back is to keep all the promises i made when we were together and also work at the problems that caused the break up in the first place.

 

just that in my situation, its a bit complicated because there is this other guy in the picture whom she's close to but have admittedly said to her friends that there is nothing between - at least for the moment i think.

 

congrats on getting her back. i really hope that my 6.5 year relationship will have the same happy ending as yours. cherish her and don't make the same mistakes WE did before the break up.

 

cheers

Link to post
Share on other sites

inthe event

 

I really don't think that there would be any harm in sending the collage but don't put anything in reference to your relationship or your feelings into the email.

 

Maybe just write home misses you too and wait for response. She can read anything into those words.

 

Let me know what she thinks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...