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is this a second chance or cake and eat it too?


monkeyshaman

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So my ex and i (after 3.5 years) split because she needed to sort stuff out. Not a bad breakup or anything and about a month later she asked me if I wanted to go out and specified it was a date. That went well and then we went to a wedding a few days later and that went really well too. But then she had some drama in her family life and is somewhat being forced to come stay at my house. During one of our dates I asked if we were working things out and her answer was "I dunno, we probably are". I have no clue what that means.

 

I fell like now I am making all the moves to work this out. When shes with me its all "baby" and relationship stuff but when shes not with me Its almost like she doesnt want anyone else to see shes like that even though she does admit shes going out with me and talks to me regularly. I am pretty sure I am just being bit overdramatic, thats why I am posting here, also for your opinions on the situation. I think I am being a bit to available to her so I am going to try and cut that out but I don't want to be vanished if she needs me for the family thing. The truth is I thought things were going well but because of this family issue its almost like she is being forced to see me and I feel like that is ruining the chances of us rekindling the romance. That and part of me is impatient and thinking she might just be using me (cake and eat it too) type stuff.

 

so the question is. Do you think she really wants to work things out and is just being apprehensive a bit because her "stuff" isnt worked out yet (she tells me regularly how shes working on it). Or do you think she might be just using me when she needs me and then being free when she doesnt. I really dont know what to do. Should I try to hang out and talk more, or should I play it cool. Or bounce out all together?

 

Thanks for reading and your opinions everyone.

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Seems that she might need you right now for your home and the comfort you provide her. If she was sure on it she wouldn't say "I dunno, we probably are" that's kind of a wishy washy answer. I would maybe give it a little bit more time, if you feel she is taking advantage of you and you're not making any progress chances are that's what's happening. She might have the issues with the family, but if she wants to be with you she would make it clear. I would play it cool for now, don't pressure it, and if you feel like it's going no where fast cut your losses.

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Yeah thats kind of my thoughts too. Thanks Josh. The wishy washy answer was better then a no but it'll only hold me for a while I think. And this was all before the family stuff, the dates and talks and whatnot. So I think now that she sort of "has" to spend time with me I am a bit discouraged because it was going to well, so now its hard to be cool with her around. But Thanks again I think I will give it a bit more time until this family stuff works out and see if things start progressing again. I am just waiting for the "I want to be with you" speech and am getting a little anxious, and didn't want to push her at the moment.

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I'm in a very similar situation, and I decided to end things today when I found out she was kind of seeing some one else. We also dated for 3.5 years, didn't speak for a few months after the break up.... Then hung out more than often, and eventually we were literally a couple without the title.

 

Honestly dude, you need to be straight up with her. I was too scared to confront my ex about it because things were good the way it was. However, it blows when you find out they're seeing someone else or hooking up with other people.

 

It's either you're working on things/together or you're not. In my case, she still has an emotional attachment but obviously doesn't have the right intentions.

 

I don't think I've ever seen someone cry this hard.............And she's still phoning me.... after she admitted to seeing someone. She also kept kissing me, telling me she loves me with all her heart etc, after admitting the truth, and after I tried to cut all ties.

 

Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

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Thanks R32, sounds like a rough situation. I am really trying to avoid being put into the same spot you found yourself(again sorry to hear it). Its a toss between regretting saying something to soon or regretting not saying anything at all, ya know what I mean. I for sure will need an honest answer after a bit and seriously need to set some boundaries for myself. But can I ask you, do you regret trying things out? I know you got hurt and that really sucks but in the end do you felt that you at least got to see her intentions in action. I am sure your ex like mine, saying she isn't seeing anyone and whatnot. If it turns out that she is then that would give me my answer. But I can feel where you were, not knowing if shes just trying to keep me close and just dating me so she gets all the good and doesn't have to commit. Like you said either we are working on things together or we are not. Thanks very much for the input. It definitely gives me some clarity about clearing the situation before I get to involved so to speak.

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I think she's giving you a chance but you need to be more of a challenge! Be less available (as you said), tease her more often, don't answer all of her questions i.e. don't tell her everything about your day / life and if she asks again give her a stupid answer, but don't give in. Women love a challenge, because they're attracted to tension whether it be good or bad. What you don't want is indifference, so being too available, being to open about every aspect of your life and being too nice to her will kill the attraction!

 

Ever see James Bond doing these things? NO!!!

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Dovic I totally agree with what you are saying. Its funny because when I go to call her or chat with her on FB and what not shes not always the most attentive (not mean but u know). But on days where I don't contact at all she always finds some reason to call me. And I'm totally telling her way to specifically what I am doing. I don't always hang around and I try to be the one to leave the convo or say I have to go but its a challenge honestly. I'll put more effort into it, thanks for the advice. I'll just ask WWJD (what would James do).

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Dovic I totally agree with what you are saying. Its funny because when I go to call her or chat with her on FB and what not shes not always the most attentive (not mean but u know). But on days where I don't contact at all she always finds some reason to call me. And I'm totally telling her way to specifically what I am doing. I don't always hang around and I try to be the one to leave the convo or say I have to go but its a challenge honestly. I'll put more effort into it, thanks for the advice. I'll just ask WWJD (what would James do).

 

Another wee bit of advice because I believe you're still in with a chance of making this work. (I'm sure people on this site are sick of me saying this, but I really believe in it) Read David DeAngelo's "Attraction isn't a choice." You can download the ebook from amazon but will need the kindle app. This will tell you exactly what you're doing wrong and what you need to change. Could be the most important book you ever read if you love this girl and want her in your life for a long time

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Thanks, I already managed to get it, wasnt to difficult. I'll start skimming it. I really do think we can make things work but being purposeful with my actions is important. But from my quick glance it does look like it has some things to keep stuff more energized between us should we work out. Thanks for the tip.

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Until she actually approaches you and says "I made a mistake, I want to work things out" there is no title. My friends advised me that this "friendship" I shared with her would end as soon as she found someone else. So I kind of prepared myself for it. I kept telling myself she would find someone else and this would end, or I am just seeing her for sex etc. However, it's hard to share this type of intimacy with someone and not have your feelings progress.

 

I don't regret giving it a shot, what I do regret is not mentioning something sooner before she found someone else. However everything happens for a reason, and the way she's dealing with the situation will bite her in the ass when the time comes. She's clearly emotionally unstable, and trying to enter a new relationship. As she's doing this, she's also phoning me in the middle of the night etc. I'm sure this "guy" she's seeing would not be impressed. This situation is the start of "My gf left me for her ex"

 

Because I kind of prepared myself for the outcome, I guess I can say I wasn't as disappointed when I did find out the truth. However, feelings progress, and it's hard to not feel anything especially when you've been writing the past 4 years of your life with this person.

 

Good luck to you my friend, it seems like you still have a fighting chance. Go and get her!

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Yeah I am "trying" to have a similar attitude right now. Like one moment shes just going to start being a B and ignoring me and whatnot because she found someone to fill the void and is still putting on a show. But you are correct in it being difficult, especially when sharing intimate moments and what not. I am glad you don't regret putting yourself out there and its good to hear that even if it goes south understanding does come. Plan for the best but be prepared for the worst type scenario I guess. Thanks so much for responding, you seem like a descent man and I wish the best for you in life.

 

Ha Go and get her in this instance seems to be chill and get her haha for a little while at least. But I'll keep in mind what you experienced with waiting to long, although as you say "it all happens for a reason" and so dont beat yourself up to much about waiting, it probably would not have changed to much. And I am sure you are going to be better off with your next relationship with someone who is able to be there for you, open and honestly. Best wishes. Thanks again.

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Start to distance yourself a little bit from her. If she asks you to hang out, it doesn't make you a bad person to say no. I was always really available for my ex, and as a result we got comfortable too fast. Things started to get bland.

 

Unsure if you read my thread regarding my story. But here it is if you're interested, maybe you can absorb a thing or two from it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300029/

 

Again, take care!

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ms,

 

so i want you to give this some thought. you indicted that you split so she could get some things sorted out. assumption is that she wanted the breakup not you. so if you get this thing back together will she have things "sorted" out? if not what are the chances you will be back in the same situation as before. and how good was that.

 

any idea what she needed to sort out? that may be code for many other things, all that are not good for you. and has she fixed the things that she needed to sort out. i just don't like all that for you.

 

additionally as others have said, could be she needs you now and will be back to needing to sort things out again.

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The wishy washy answer was better then a no but it'll only hold me for a while I think.

 

A wishy-washy answer is not better than a "no". Why? Because at least "no" is a clear, definitive answer. You know, the kind of answer that actually tells you what the hell she's thinking. With a wishy-washy answer, all that means is you've got to continue analyzing your brains out about her. Yay? :confused:

 

In my opinion, there's way too much game-playing going on here. And even if you don't call it "game playing", it's still unnecessarily complicated. Or you're making it so. "Play it cool, don't be too available, don't tell her every detail, do this, do that." It's like walking on a tightrope above already thin ice.

 

To be honest, why not just be straightforward and ask her point blank, once and for all, if you two are working on things? Tell her you would appreciate it if she gave you a clear answer because you don't like feeling like you're in the dark. I as a woman would appreciate that, not some guy trying to play it cool around me.

 

Yes, I understand, you don't want to screw things up. But what is there left to screw up? Not much, since you don't even really know if she wants the same things as you. Yes, you want to be there for her family issues, but what has she done to deserve that comfort? You're giving too much and not getting much back consistently.

 

But to be in a good relationship, you should always be able to be honest with the person you're with. If you're afraid of scaring her off by being totally honest... well, that should say more than anything else. Even if she does get scared and leaves, then at least you'll know clearly what she wants. It may hurt, sure, but it's better than feeling used and walking on eggshells all the time and staying in a pseudo-relationship, and always being unsure about how she feels for you. That's no way to act in a good friendship or relationship.

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